I LOVE MY NEW OB!!!! (Plus, some great advice for pregnant infertiles)

Today I went for my post-ultrasound appointment with my OB.  Except, since my OB is leaving, I got to meet the doctor I will be transferring over to.  I hadn't realized how stressful this issue with not liking my OB was until the new doctor walked into a room to say hello and I burst into tears!  I guess I had been holding in a lot waiting for this last ultrasound and this appointment.  And she was just perfect!

I was the last appointment of the day and she was running late, but rather than rushing through me, she gave me her undivided attention!  Every question I had she answered in such depth.  When I asked her about shared care with the midwives, she said, "Well I'll tell you the political answer, and then I'll tell you that I don't really mind whatever you decide."  She proceeded to take a good 10 minutes just describing all that is going on, and all my options, and then she told me that she will actually call the midwives for me and sort it all out!  I was just blown away by her involvement and commitment to my care. 

The best moment, though, was when I made a comment about how long we have been waiting for this.  She pulled up a chair, sat down, looked me in the eye, and asked me if I had heard of "The Trap."  When I said no, she proceeded to give me the greatest pep talk that had me flowing with tears.  She said that women who have faced infertility often face a self-imposed pressure that everything has to be "great" once they become pregnant.  They feel like they can't complain about their pregnancy, they can't mourn the freedom they will be giving up, and they most definitely can't express any frustration about the difficulties in caring for a newborn.  They feel like they have to smile all the time, or else they will be being ungrateful.  This causes them to isolate themselves when they are struggling, and that makes things even harder!  With twins, she said this causes a double-whammy for being at risk for post-partum depression.  Often, women have expectations that are up so high, that she said now is the time to start to lowering them down to reality.  She said that if she could pass anything on to me, it would be to plant the seed that I am a normal pregnant woman.  Despite what the past has brought, I am just as entitled to express the bad with the good.  There will be wonderful days full of love for my children, and there will be days I feel like I can't go on.  And that makes me normal. 

I know all of that in my head, and through what I've read from other bloggers, but hearing MY doctor say it was so incredibly reassuring!  I felt like she truly understood me.  I am so excited to be working with her!  She said she would gladly take me as a patient, and as I left she gave me a huge hug!  I got in the car, and just let out all the rest of the tears I had been holding in.  Then I came home and indulged in pizza, movies, brownies with ice cream!  DH is away so I just splurged for myself!  I feel like a huge weight has been lifted, and I'm excited about the future.  So, there you go!  It really showed me how important it is to seek out and fight for care that is right for you.

Anyways, if you're still reading, here are the updates about the babies from my visit!

• According to the ultrasound, the twins look great!  Both are head down.  Baby A is on the lower right side, and Baby B is on the left side.
• Both are measuring 19 week, 1 day (right on track), and had great heartbeats of 135/136.
• The placenta of Twin A may have an extra lobe on the placenta.  This is just an extra piece of placenta that is important to know about when I give birth, but doesn't affect the baby.  It's not even confirmed... we will wait till they are bigger to see.
• The hardening of my stomach after walking/exercising, and the episode I had a few weeks ago are likely due to an irritable uterus.  There is nothing wrong...it just means I may be more sensitive to the pains of a growing uterus.  The doctor was great in explaining to me what to be aware of, and how to take care of myself.  
• My cervix is measuring 4cm, which is great!
• My belly is measuring 26 WEEKS!  Can you believe that?  The doctor said it looks fine though, and not to worry about it.  I'll post an updated pic too!
• Next OB appointment is in about 4 weeks.  Until then, I'll just carry on! 

Heart exploding with love!

First off, thanks for all the great comments yesterday!  It truly was a momentous day for us.  I guess I have been holding in some of my excitement, waiting for confirmation that things were okay.  I went into yesterday's ultrasound without anxiety.  I really didn't think anything was wrong, but I just had to see it to be sure.  After we saw both babies wriggling around, something inside me switched over.  I had a couple tears during the u/s, but mostly I was just grinning with excitement.  When we came home, I was a wreck - I couldn't get ANYTHING done!  I just sat on the couch staring at the pictures, holding my belly and trying to get the babies to keep moving so I could feel them.  Suddenly, I became super excited to meet these babies!  I mean, I've always been excited, but now it feels real.  This is really happening.  I know we have a long way to go still, but for the first time, I really feel like a mom to these babies.  They are mine.  Since we knew something was wrong with our last conception pretty much from the beginning, I did not feel like I got attached to that baby.  This is definitely different.  I feel so grateful.  So humbled.  So excited!  I really, just want them to be here already.  I know I need to slow down and enjoy this time, but I am just soooo ready (though I'm also freaked out!).

We are right in the middle of the "decision-making" time about all the major purchases we need to make.  It is driving me mad!  I wish, wish, wish we lived in the old days where there only was one option for crib, or carseat, or stroller.  I wish our world was not filled with toxic chemicals, which are much harder and way more expensive to avoid.  I wish finding the basic essentials for a baby was not so darn expensive (and difficult when living in a small town).  I know I need to not worry about all of this.  I am not worried, or really complaining... these decisions just seem so trivial in light of all we have been through to become parents.  It's frustrating that this is where all the emphasis goes in our culture once the baby has been conceived.  At the same time, DH and I highly value the aesthetics of our home, and creating an artistic, beautiful space.  We don't want to break the bank, but we want our home to be a refuge and a place we love being in, with our family. 

So, instead of stressing, I am trying to keep my focus on healthy eating, connecting with my spouse, spending time with friends and family, and enjoying the gorgeous summer I am anticipating.  I know the rest will get done. 

2nd Twin Ultrasound!

The big day finally arrived!  We had our second ultrasound today.  Surprisingly, I wasn't nervous or anxious at all.   I made it through a few hours of work, emptied my bladder, drank my water and then headed to the hospital.  I was brought into the room first to do all the measurements, while poor DH had to wait outside.  Since it was double measurements, it took soooo long!  DH said after that he was worried something was wrong since it took so long.  Poor guy!

The ultrasound tech was nice and we chatted while she did her job.  I couldn't see the screen during that time, so it was pretty uneventful.  Baby A was pretty active, and hiding its face with its hand at first (which I thought was super cute).  Baby B turned out to be even more active as she got to measuring it.  (By the way, I had written "her" and "him" in place of "it" before catching myself, since we don't know the genders... we are just guessing that A is the girl and B is the boy.  But for consistency sake, I'll keep calling them "it" for now).  Even with them being active, I couldn't feel distinct movements, but the tech said I will definitely start to feel them more soon due to how active they were being.  Hooray! 

Finally (45 minutes later) she finished the measurements and DH was allowed to come in, then we got to look at them!  Baby A was face down (towards my back) so we could only see the spine at first, but Baby B was face-up.  Both had their heads down, and the placentas looked fine (not too low, as far as I could tell).  We could see their beating hearts (SO cool!), their noses (cutest!) their bone structure, and even the umbilical cords!  Right at the end, the twins moved positions so that they were both facing the same way, and she got a picture of all 4 feet lined up together (see below).  She said that is pretty rare, so we got a great picture!  I asked her how big they were measuring and they both are 19weeks, 1day.  So, I guess I go by the date since my IUI, and not necessarily my LMP. 

I am pretty giddy with excitement!  My next OB appointment is on Thursday, so I guess I'll have more details by then.  Oh, and then I came home to a package from my sister with presents for the babies and the beautiful hand-made pregnancy journal she made for me.  It is soooo thoughtful!  I thought I'd share a few pictures.  Note that the last picture is an ultrasound picture, just of the feet.  I thought it was pretty cute but feel free to skip over if you're not interested. 

Package from my sis!

Handmade pregnancy journal

Cutie clothes!

The loves of my life!

18 Weeks - Nearly halfway!

This week (18 1/2 weeks) marks the half-way point to full term for a twin pregnancy.  Holy moly!

As you can see from my bumpdates, I keep growing and growing.  Here's a rundown on how I am feeling:

Mood: I think those raging pregnancy hormones have kicked into full gear.  I've had numerous almost-melt-downs.  Sometimes I'm angry at DH for no reason.  Once I almost burst into tears because the store did not have the grapes they advertised on sale... and I REALLY wanted grapes.  Another time I threw a fit about watching Superman in a sub-par theater.  All these things I normally would not care about have become the end of the world for me.  Luckily, DH just laughs at me, rather than getting mad. 

Food: Not much has changed here.  I'm eating pretty good, though I allow myself to indulge in ice cream almost every day.  I am staying away from most other sweets, though sometimes I'll have chocolate with my ice cream.  My new drink is blended strawberries with limeade.  Mmm!  Hits the spot.  I really can't eat big portions though, or I feel really sick.  I'm eating every 2-3 hours, but much smaller portions/snacks.

Sleep: Still sleeping like a baby!  I could take 2 hour naps every day, but I wake up groggy and not feeling well.  I'm trying to just nap once a day for about an hour when I can.  Sleeping mostly through the night.  If I don't wake up to pee, I usually wake up early but that's okay because I'm in bed by 10pm. About once a week I'll have an "insomnia" night and be up for an hour or two in the wee hours of the morning.  Oh, and those crazy pregnancy dreams have finally kicked into gear. I have a dream almost every night!

Exercise: I think I've given up on walking for any length of time until I speak to my doctor.  Anything more than 20 minutes and I have intense pressure in my abdomen and can hardly even move.  Shopping last week was even tough, and I had to sit down whenever I could.  Fortunately, I have started swimming and this seems to work nicely.  I even did my first aquafit class last week (water aerobics).  It was tough work, but felt nice (I even felt it in my muscles afterwards too).  And I do yoga a few times a week when I have the energy.

Body: Changing, changing, changing!  My bump is huge.  My hips are definitely wider.  My breasts seem to have slowed down... but they are leaking colustrum (I think?) from time to time.  Whoa!  Crazy... this early?  I'm pretty much entirely in maternity clothes, apart from leggings with over-sized shirts/dresses.  Fortunately, my MIL took me shopping and bought me a nice wardrobe, and my mom picked up a few pieces to add to my collection. I haven't gained much weight this week though, so still about 15lbs in these 18 weeks.

Movement: I still am not entirely sure what I'm feeling is baby movement, but I think I feel them move from time to time.  It only happens when I lie down.  I can't quite describe the movement.  For me, it's not like bubbles or butterflies... more like muscle twitches inside.  Or it just feels like something is moving inside of me.  It's strange.  Maybe it's just my digestive system....I don't know.  I can't wait for our ultrasound so that hopefully I'll get to see them move and figure out how it feels.

Notable moments: Doing the ring-on-a-string gender prediction test!  See this post.  Coming up next week... 2nd ultrasound and OB visit! 

Gender Prediction - The Ring Test

Our BIG ultrasound is only 4 days away!  This will only be our second ultrasound in this pregnancy.  Since we elected not to do the NT screening, and haven't had any other complications, there was no need for any other scans up until now.  We are so excited!  I just can't wait to see these little babies actually looking like babies, and wriggling around for mom and dad.  Apparently our appointment is close to an hour long, as they do all the measurements.  And, they will be checking for gender. 

BUT... DH and I are 99% sure we don't want to find out the genders.  While we are super anxious to find out more about our little ones, I have always thought there was something so special about finding out the sex right at birth.  That moment has always been held as a magical moment in my mind.  Plus, even if we did find out, we do not want to tell anyone (family included) what we are having.  Sure, it would be easier for planning and preparing, but most of what we like is more neutral anyways.  And they will be born right before Christmas, so that can be an excuse to spoil them with gender specific items. Though, if we happen to "see" something in the ultrasound, I won't be too disappointed...

Here's the thing though... there definitely is a part of us that already wants to identify with these babies as boys or girls.  Right from the beginning, DH has said he is sure that they are one boy and one girl.  While I can't deny, that is our "first" choice (though that sounds even rude to say, as we are just so thankful to have any babies at all), I have remained more suspicious and keep trying to get DH to think of other names, rather than the two we have picked out.  So yesterday we were reading about gender predictions and old wives tales to see if anything related to us.  Of course, having twins makes it that much harder.  But then DH suggested we do the ring test, and I skeptically agreed (mostly just to appease him).

For those who don't know, the ring test involves taking a wedding ring (or a pin) and tying it to a piece of string.  Then the pregnant lady lies on her back with her belly up, and the ring is held just above the belly.  If the ring makes a circular motion, it means the baby is a girl.  If the ring sways back and forth in a line, it's a boy.  Now, since we haven't had an u/s yet, I don't know exactly the positions of the babies, but I have a sense that one is up higher on the right side, and one is down lower on the left side.  When we heard the heartbeats, I guessed that the one on the right is a girl and the left is a boy.  So, as DH held the ring above the right side, it took a moment to settle, and then it CLEARLY started to move in a circular motion.  We kind of chuckled, but then he held it over the left side, and the pattern completely changed and started to make a line back and forth.  I thought he must have been manipulating it, but we tried again, and it happened again.  Then, today we did it one more time, and the SAME THING happened!  By this time, I was a little freaked out.  It felt like some ouija board witchcraft voodoo or something, haha!  But still!  It was kind of super cool.  I found it just crazy that it made two different patterns for different sides of my belly.  Could it be that babies have their own sort of magnetic field in the womb?  Is it just a coincidence? 

Has anyone else tried this and found it accurate?  What do you think we are going to have? 

Ramblings of a pregnant lady

I have been wanting to post more than just my weekly updates, but for some reason it's hard for me to formulate an entire post (can I blame it on baby brain?).  However, my friend wanted me to update, so I thought I'd share a snippet of what is going on in my brain these days (with some pictures for fun).

My mother-in-law (MIL) visited last week.  It was a nice visit, but I was happy to be working a few of the days too.  She had just come back from a conference and was in full-on processing mode and talked, and talked, and talked!  It was a bit exhausting!  She also became reminiscent of her pregnancies and it was fun hearing about DH's early years.  What was not so fun was her advice-giving... particularly in regards to my weight.  I don't know if it's a Korean-thing or not, but she definitely does not hold back her opinions, and has unrealistic expectations of weight at the best of times.  So now that I'm pregnant with twins, it was just too much for her!  She kept telling DH and I that she was worried about how big I already am.  It reached a point where DH had to ask her if she had done any research/reading on twin pregnancies, if she had spoken to a doctor about twin pregnancies, and if she realized that I am measuring right on track for a twin pregnancy.  That made her quiet for about 20 minutes... oh my, my!  It was worth it all when she took me maternity shopping and spent over $200 on a new wardrobe for me.  Haha!  Some things you just grin and bear!  What will be interesting is figuring out how to manage her when the twins are born and she wants to "move in" to take care of me for a while.  On one hand, it would be nice... but on the other hand, I don't know how much we can handle.  We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

I think it probably has to do with my crazy hormones right now, but I am having a difficult time handling people's comments.  It's not even necessarily "bad" comments... just comments in general.  I am already tired of being asked if twins run in the family.  With most people, I don't feel a need to explain and just say  no, but with others, I feel the need to explain that we used fertility treatments.  It's a weird thing, because it is such an intimate/personal detail, but I also want to do my part in advocating for infertility by explaining our story.  At this point, though, I am just too tired to decide how much to disclose to each person.  I know the questions will only continue from here, and I am prepared for that...it's just that right now it still overwhelms me. 

DH and I are still having fun with this pregnancy.  Every day we marvel over my changing body and the things I experience.  We talk about the twins all the time.  We guess about their personalities, and we plan out how we want to live as a family.  This part is great.  Our lives are changing drastically over the next 6 months.  Not only will we go from a family of 2 to 4, but DH's job is in huge transition.  I have mentioned before that he is a pastor who works with my father at a church.  Well, my dad just resigned from his position as pastor, which means that as of July 1st, DH will be filling in as the temporary lead pastor until the church decides what to do next.  He likely will apply for the position of lead pastor once the search begins.  The church is undergoing some difficult times, with finances, and needing to find a new building, so DH is inheriting a bit of a "load" as he steps into this role.  It is really great, but also stressful and overwhelming.  I know DH will do a fantastic job, but he is struggling right now with all the changes the are upcoming in our lives. 

Fortunately, the summer is almost here, and life on this island slows down for summer as we all try to enjoy the little bit of sunshine we get.  We plan to stick around, have friends visit, prepare the house, and just enjoy our last bit of "freedom" before our lives change forever!  I am excited. 

So, on that note, here are some pictures to share of what's been going on in my world lately.

Picnic on the beach - Summer is nearly here!

Flowers from my mom's garden

Fresh produce and flowers from a local farm... yum! 

First fawn spotting

Enjoying some live entertainment - Jason Lowe...incredible!

My first baby project - a lap quilt for one of the twins!

Me and the twins, enjoying some sun on my day off!

16 Weeks

Did I mention that my sister is making me a pregnancy/baby journal?  When I visited her, we kept coming across these cute little journals in all the gift shops, but they were so overpriced, and most of them did not have enough detailed information for us.  So, as a gift, she decided to make me one!  It's still in progress, so I'm keeping notes in the blog to transfer to the book later.

I'm 16 weeks now.  That is 4 months in!  When I say it like that, it seems like things are flying by (though in actuality, time is ticking slowly).  Apart from my scare earlier, things are going really well.  I'm finally feeling better and proudly showing off my bump.  Here's a quick recap for those who are interested:

How I'm feeling: The nausea has mostly gone, though I still have moments from time to time (like this morning when I barfed after taking my prenatal on an empty stomach).  I still get tired pretty easily, and find that standing for too long is already tough.  I've been staying up a bit later, but could easily sleep 10 hours at night if my schedule allowed.  Usually I only wake up once during the night to pee, and insomnia happens only from time to time.  I take a nap whenever I can.

Baby bump: The bump is out in full force!  I'll post a picture soon.  It is so obvious now that people don't even ask me about being pregnant - they just know.  In total, I think I've gained about 15lbs (plus about 5 lbs I put on when I went back on clomid).  This is right in line with Dr. Barbara Luke's guidelines for multiple pregnancies, which I am trying to follow.  Trying to gain as much as I can right away and grow some healthy birth weight babies!

Maternity Clothes: That's all I can wear!  I put on a t-shirt I wore 2 weeks ago, and it barely covered my belly (told you I popped!).  I am not comfortable in any of my previous jeans or capris, so I've switched over to skirts, maternity jeans, and tights most of the time.  My MIL is coming to visit next week and wants to take me shopping, so I'll top up my collection of wearable clothes then.  Still haven't found a comfy bra to wear during this transition time (that, and I'm too lazy to try on bra after bra).  

Food cravings/aversions: Still craving those COLD drinks!  I drink a slurpee or cold, iced tea every day!  I haven't had a cup of hot tea almost since I became pregnant.  I even prefer cold meals right now.  I think this will only get worse as summer hits.  And, still loving those fruits!  From watermelon, to mangoes, to nectarines... anything juicy hits the spot - any time of day!  I'm also drinking more milk with meals, which I never used to do.

Mood: I've had some moments of feeling like I want to cry for no reason, but I haven't actually cried a ton.  I'm a bit more grumpy at times.  Poor DH keeps thinking I'm mad at him, but I think my hormones are just a bit crazy.  Overall, feeling alright.  I'm enjoying being back at work (mostly) and not feeling as overwhelmed by the prospect of twins (at least at the moment). 

Movement: Still nothing I can be sure is movement yet.  There are times when I think it might be baby movement, but it could just be food digesting for all I know.

Other noteable moments:
- I got my "Twins" (Dr. Barbara Luke) book in the mail this week.  I am so glad to have a book that actually talks about what I am going through!  None of the other pregnancy books I have found compare.
- We've settled on the theme (we think) we want for the nursery.  I won't reveal too much now, but show you that this is the wallpaper we are leaning towards.
- I went garage sale-ing last weekend and picked up a double Peg Perego stroller for $40!  Wahoo!  We still are looking at other strollers, but I thought that was a deal too good to pass up.  Also picked up 30 cloth diapers in great condition to start the collection.  It was a successful shopping day.  We decided to wait until after our 18 week scan to make more of the "big" purchases, but I feel like time is ticking and I need to get on out there.
- I had two people laugh in my face (in a nice way) when they found out I was having twins.  One lady replied, "Well, it doesn't look like I have any problems in life any more."  Gee, thanks!  Haha.

That's all till next time! 

Overdoing it

Today I had my first scare after possibly overdoing it, in terms of energy exertion.  I think things are fine, but I'd love your input if anyone has experienced this.

I've generally been feeling much better this past week, and wanted to start to tone up my muscles, so I became a bit more active this week.  I was going to go to the pool today, but missed the early swim and didn't want to wait, so I went to the gym instead.  This was my first time at the gym since I found out I was carrying twins.  I kept it light and did the elliptical, a tiny bit of biking, and some weights (maybe a few too many?).  I was there for almost an hour but didn't think I had overdone it.  Afterwards I was tired, but carried on with the day, and met a friend this afternoon for a small walk.  As we were finishing the walk, I started to cramp a bit.  I thought I had to use the washroom, but that was not it.  On my way home, I seriously started to get what I think were contractions.  They came in waves, and had a period of intensity the peaked for about 10 seconds before they subsided.  What was scary is that they were coming every 2-3 minutes and I actually had to breathe through them.  They mainly were on the left side of my uterus.  I made it home and collapsed in my room where they continued but gradually got less.  I think I had them for about a half hour but I kept resting for over an hour, as my uterus felt very tight still.  We did call my doctor's office, but they weren't too helpful.  My doctor wasn't in, and the doctor who was, told me to contact my midwife and gave me the number for labour and delivery, in case I needed it over the weekend.  I didn't end up calling my midwife (long story about the midwives for another day), because things started to settle down.  After it all, I was so exhausted.  DH was freaked out too.  He said he felt so powerless and was stressed out. 

So here is what I am wondering.  I have read about braxton hicks, and they could have been an intense version of that, maybe amplified due to overdoing it, being out in the heat, not drinking enough water, etc.  I have noticed that every time I exercise my stomach gets super rock hard.  A friend just told me that could be braxton hicks.  I've also read that they do show up earlier in twin pregnancies too.  I had no other signs of preterm labour, like bleeding or discharge (though my lower back was sore when the contractions were happening).  It was quite scary.  I plan to take it easy for the rest of the weekend, and probably cut out the gym for now.  I'll talk to my doctor about it more at my next visit too. 

Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Any other thoughts?