Help! I need your input twin mamas!
Figuring out twins is hard work! I'm reading lots of books, but I think the best advice is direct experience. Please let me know how you survived these early days.
Sleep: When did your twins start to sleep longer stretches through the night? The boys are 6 weeks old (one week adjusted age) and
sleep 2 1/2-3 hours at a time. We have some help through the night now
so right now we are getting by, but I'd like an idea of when I can expect them to start
sleeping a little bit longer stretches. Did you, at some point, just stop waking them for feedings through the night? Did they wake at different times, or the same? How did you do this???
Feeding: For those who breastfed, did you tandem or feed separately? Everyone recommends tandem feeding and keeping them on the same schedule, but right now I find it so hard! Our little guy has some troubles feeding and it is a lot of work to get him to have a good feed. The bigger guy feeds so fast and then gets fussy waiting around for his brother. To have them feed separately, though, seems super tough when I'm all along. I'm pretty sure I'll have one screaming at me the whole time I'm feeding the other one. Any tips here?
Growth spurts: Did you notice them? I've read about the 6-week spurt and think we may be heading that way. How did you survive and manage to keep your milk supply up? Were your babies fussy? Did they sleep/eat/cry more or less?
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Bonding
I wanted to make sure I didn't give the wrong impression yesterday about how I have bonded with these little guys. I have so many moments throughout the day where I can't believe how incredible this really is. When the boys lie next together and interact with their hands and their little noises, when I hold them and they stare back at me with bright, wide eyes, when nothing will satisfy their cries except milk from mommy, when they come out of the bath all fresh and snuggly, when I kiss their baby soft skin, I am overwhelmed with the realization that these boys are MINE! Sometimes, though, it seems like the realization is more cerebral and less of a feeling. Does that make sense? I know the feelings will follow but I think I had to keep my feelings guarded and at bay for so long (to avoid an emotional collapse) that they will take a while coming back. This is just what the bonding process looks like for me.
Still, there is no doubt about it that these boys have stolen my heart. I will never be the same again.
Still, there is no doubt about it that these boys have stolen my heart. I will never be the same again.
Remembering
Today is the first anniversary of the due date of our first angel baby. He/she would have been one year old. Interesting how it falls so close to the due date of our twin boys. Yesterday I cried with a close friend who just found out that her baby stopped growing at 10 weeks gestation. It brought me back to the emotions of it all. And yet, having two sleeping babies by my side does make it easier. I still mourn for that baby. She/he was the original fulfillment of so many dreams. This time of year will always be a time of remembering.
Friday, November 22, 2013
Scars
Now that I am starting to feel settled at home again, the emotions of the past three months are starting to surface. You know how you can operate on adrenalin for a while and eventually your physical body crashes and catches up with you? I feel like that is what happened with my emotions.
Looking back, I can say now that I had a difficult pregnancy. The first trimester was great! I wasn't that sick, we were so excited about the twins, and I even managed to enjoy a trip to Australia. It was during the second trimester that things became tough. I had read about the challenges and complications common in twin pregnancies, but I didn't expect to be affected so deeply by it all. First was the bleeding, then came stopping work early (at 24 weeks), then came house bed rest, followed by more bleeding, and finally hospital bed rest (3 hours away from home) with more bleeding. This continued right until the birth. The birth, itself, was probably the "easiest" part of it all, but that was closely followed by quite a stay (21 days) in the NICU, in a different town than we live in. All in all, I spent 10 weeks away from home, 7 of those on hospital bed rest.
I am trying to figure out exactly how I feel about it all. It's not quite anger, but I do feel ripped off that after all our years of struggling, I wasn't able to enjoy a "blissful" pregnancy the way that other people do. But really, that is a minor feeling. I more so feel like this whole experience has changed me in an intangible way. I do not feel like the same person I was 9 months ago. I know that my experience with infertility will never leave me. However, I had already resolved the impact that infertility had on me and come to peace with my identity. Also, having babies allowed me to close a chapter in the book of infertility. There are still scars there but they are not at the forefront any longer. Now I feel I have a new wound from the trauma of the pregnancy experience. Like infertility, it also is a wound that other people cannot see or understand. Yet it has impacted me so deeply. I don't know how or when it will heal. I just feel like it has altered the core of who I am.
The main place I see this represented right now is in regard to my bond to my babies. Some people talk about being instantly in love with their babies when they meet them. Other people experience a bonding process that evolves over time. I think I would classify myself in that latter category. I know there is no doubt that I am filled with a greater love than ever before for these babies. I have become a protective mama bear. I would (and have!) sacrifice anything for them. But I don't always feel the gushy, lovey-dovey feelings right now. I think that is in direct relation to the emotional healing that I am going through. Again, I feel ripped off by this. I guess it's just my way of grieving and reaching a place of healing. I get scared by the idea of post-partum depression, especially since I tick off a lot of the boxes for risk factors. But I don't think I am depressed. I just think my bond with these babies needs to evolve in its own way and time.
It's not that I feel judged by others about this either. I guess I just don't feel like anyone would really understand what I'm going through. That's the best way I can describe it right now. I write this post in case there is someone else out there who may be feeling similar, so that you can know you are not alone.
Looking back, I can say now that I had a difficult pregnancy. The first trimester was great! I wasn't that sick, we were so excited about the twins, and I even managed to enjoy a trip to Australia. It was during the second trimester that things became tough. I had read about the challenges and complications common in twin pregnancies, but I didn't expect to be affected so deeply by it all. First was the bleeding, then came stopping work early (at 24 weeks), then came house bed rest, followed by more bleeding, and finally hospital bed rest (3 hours away from home) with more bleeding. This continued right until the birth. The birth, itself, was probably the "easiest" part of it all, but that was closely followed by quite a stay (21 days) in the NICU, in a different town than we live in. All in all, I spent 10 weeks away from home, 7 of those on hospital bed rest.
I am trying to figure out exactly how I feel about it all. It's not quite anger, but I do feel ripped off that after all our years of struggling, I wasn't able to enjoy a "blissful" pregnancy the way that other people do. But really, that is a minor feeling. I more so feel like this whole experience has changed me in an intangible way. I do not feel like the same person I was 9 months ago. I know that my experience with infertility will never leave me. However, I had already resolved the impact that infertility had on me and come to peace with my identity. Also, having babies allowed me to close a chapter in the book of infertility. There are still scars there but they are not at the forefront any longer. Now I feel I have a new wound from the trauma of the pregnancy experience. Like infertility, it also is a wound that other people cannot see or understand. Yet it has impacted me so deeply. I don't know how or when it will heal. I just feel like it has altered the core of who I am.
The main place I see this represented right now is in regard to my bond to my babies. Some people talk about being instantly in love with their babies when they meet them. Other people experience a bonding process that evolves over time. I think I would classify myself in that latter category. I know there is no doubt that I am filled with a greater love than ever before for these babies. I have become a protective mama bear. I would (and have!) sacrifice anything for them. But I don't always feel the gushy, lovey-dovey feelings right now. I think that is in direct relation to the emotional healing that I am going through. Again, I feel ripped off by this. I guess it's just my way of grieving and reaching a place of healing. I get scared by the idea of post-partum depression, especially since I tick off a lot of the boxes for risk factors. But I don't think I am depressed. I just think my bond with these babies needs to evolve in its own way and time.
It's not that I feel judged by others about this either. I guess I just don't feel like anyone would really understand what I'm going through. That's the best way I can describe it right now. I write this post in case there is someone else out there who may be feeling similar, so that you can know you are not alone.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Due Date Update!
Nov. 22, 2013 - Tomorrow is the 40 week due date for my pregnancy. And the twins are 5 weeks old! My, oh my.
I thought I'd do an update on how things are going at home here with the boys. Today is the first day I actually have time (and energy) to sit and write some thoughts down. I know that I have found it so helpful to look at other twin blogs to find perspective, and I hope this can be of help to others who are in similar situations.
We had a doctor's visit today and the boys were weighed. They sure have grown! From last week MJ was up a whole pound (!) and now weighs 7lb,4oz (birth weight 5,9). RJ was also up and is now 6lb,2oz (birth weight 4,12). They both have grown in length and are starting to outgrow some of their preemie outfits (so sad!). I'm pretty sure we have outfits they haven't even worn yet too. It's happening so fast! There is not too much more to say about the boys right now. Since they are still preemie, they basically only sleep and eat. They don't have very much awake time. Whenever they do, we try to put them together, or give them tummy time, but this only happens once or twice a day for a short period of time. RJ has been the fussier one - wanting to be held a lot, and having troubles spitting up and having an upset tummy. He's smaller and just underdeveloped a bit. MJ is very chill and just likes to sleep!
The biggest challenge so far has been figuring out the feedings. We have done a combination of tandem feeding, bottle feeding (expressed milk), and individual breastfeeding. My goal is to do mostly tandem feeding, with the odd bottle in the night or if we go out and leave them with the grandparents. MJ is a breastfeeding champ, but RJ is little and sometimes does better with the bottle (depends on his energy). Since we're still getting the hang of breastfeeding, we have also been topping up every feed with a bottle. This makes for a lot of work! Breastfeed, prepare bottles, bottle feed, settle, put down, pump. It is also a lot of work to learn to tandem feed, so some feeds I will breastfeed one and let someone else bottle feed the other. Through the night (the 2am and 5am) we usually just bottle feed since it is easier and quicker.
Now that we know that they are gaining weight just fine, I hope to eliminate some steps and make the process a bit quicker. Right now it takes just over an hour to complete everything. Then they sleep for an hour or two, and we start it all over again. Today, for the first time, I managed to tandem feed them both all by myself! It is quite tricky to figure out how to burp them, but the rest of it I can manage (I'll post more on that another time). I'd like to mostly tandem feed them since it keeps them on the same schedule and is much faster without the bottles and the pumping. Still, it's nice that they can take a bottle as this will make life much easier for some situations.
So far my milk supply has been enough. This weekend we had a scare and thought we weren't going to make it so we picked up some formula, but we haven't had to use it yet. Since I started focusing on tandem feeding more frequently, my supply seems to have increased. I'm also taking fenugreek and eating lots of foods that promote breastmilk (avocado, cashes, oatmeal, non-alcoholic beer). I find my supply is also definitely affected when I am tired, hungry or thirsty. I am eating so much food! More than when I was pregnant I think (which may explain why I haven't lost much... but I am so hungry all the time!). I try to rest lots, but I am finally feeling like I can think about other things in life than just survival, which is nice too. I do feel like we have a bit of a routine now, and that is so important to me! It helps me cope with all of this so much better. I'll blog about it another day.
The upcoming goals include:
- Mastering feeding on my own (my mother-in-law leaves in one week and I'll be on my own for reals then!)
- Taking the boys on an outing (other than just to the doctor)
- Figuring out how to do feeds in public (twin moms... what do you do???)
- Starting an exercise routine! I hope to start walking myself this week (too cold to bring the boys) and doing some yoga at home. My 6-week postpartum visit is next week and I hope to get the go-ahead for more exercise then.
- Getting the boys to sleep for a longer stretch through the night (any advice from preemie moms on when and how this starts to happen?)
And now, a few pictures to leave you with (since that's the best part, right?)
I thought I'd do an update on how things are going at home here with the boys. Today is the first day I actually have time (and energy) to sit and write some thoughts down. I know that I have found it so helpful to look at other twin blogs to find perspective, and I hope this can be of help to others who are in similar situations.
We had a doctor's visit today and the boys were weighed. They sure have grown! From last week MJ was up a whole pound (!) and now weighs 7lb,4oz (birth weight 5,9). RJ was also up and is now 6lb,2oz (birth weight 4,12). They both have grown in length and are starting to outgrow some of their preemie outfits (so sad!). I'm pretty sure we have outfits they haven't even worn yet too. It's happening so fast! There is not too much more to say about the boys right now. Since they are still preemie, they basically only sleep and eat. They don't have very much awake time. Whenever they do, we try to put them together, or give them tummy time, but this only happens once or twice a day for a short period of time. RJ has been the fussier one - wanting to be held a lot, and having troubles spitting up and having an upset tummy. He's smaller and just underdeveloped a bit. MJ is very chill and just likes to sleep!
The biggest challenge so far has been figuring out the feedings. We have done a combination of tandem feeding, bottle feeding (expressed milk), and individual breastfeeding. My goal is to do mostly tandem feeding, with the odd bottle in the night or if we go out and leave them with the grandparents. MJ is a breastfeeding champ, but RJ is little and sometimes does better with the bottle (depends on his energy). Since we're still getting the hang of breastfeeding, we have also been topping up every feed with a bottle. This makes for a lot of work! Breastfeed, prepare bottles, bottle feed, settle, put down, pump. It is also a lot of work to learn to tandem feed, so some feeds I will breastfeed one and let someone else bottle feed the other. Through the night (the 2am and 5am) we usually just bottle feed since it is easier and quicker.
Now that we know that they are gaining weight just fine, I hope to eliminate some steps and make the process a bit quicker. Right now it takes just over an hour to complete everything. Then they sleep for an hour or two, and we start it all over again. Today, for the first time, I managed to tandem feed them both all by myself! It is quite tricky to figure out how to burp them, but the rest of it I can manage (I'll post more on that another time). I'd like to mostly tandem feed them since it keeps them on the same schedule and is much faster without the bottles and the pumping. Still, it's nice that they can take a bottle as this will make life much easier for some situations.
So far my milk supply has been enough. This weekend we had a scare and thought we weren't going to make it so we picked up some formula, but we haven't had to use it yet. Since I started focusing on tandem feeding more frequently, my supply seems to have increased. I'm also taking fenugreek and eating lots of foods that promote breastmilk (avocado, cashes, oatmeal, non-alcoholic beer). I find my supply is also definitely affected when I am tired, hungry or thirsty. I am eating so much food! More than when I was pregnant I think (which may explain why I haven't lost much... but I am so hungry all the time!). I try to rest lots, but I am finally feeling like I can think about other things in life than just survival, which is nice too. I do feel like we have a bit of a routine now, and that is so important to me! It helps me cope with all of this so much better. I'll blog about it another day.
The upcoming goals include:
- Mastering feeding on my own (my mother-in-law leaves in one week and I'll be on my own for reals then!)
- Taking the boys on an outing (other than just to the doctor)
- Figuring out how to do feeds in public (twin moms... what do you do???)
- Starting an exercise routine! I hope to start walking myself this week (too cold to bring the boys) and doing some yoga at home. My 6-week postpartum visit is next week and I hope to get the go-ahead for more exercise then.
- Getting the boys to sleep for a longer stretch through the night (any advice from preemie moms on when and how this starts to happen?)
And now, a few pictures to leave you with (since that's the best part, right?)
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| Coming HOME! |
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| Boys and their toys |
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| First fight? |
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| Pup getting to know them |
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| Bright eyes |
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| Loving this!!! |
Monday, November 18, 2013
Saturday, November 16, 2013
One Week at Home
We did it! We survived our first week at home. Even though the boys are 4 weeks old (can you believe that?!?), it feels like they were just born as we made the transition from the NICU to our home last week. It hasn't been an easy week, but we are all alive, and starting to settle into a routine (if you can call it that, with twins).
Our triumphs of the week include: keeping the babies fed, clean and loved, learning to tandem feed, and making it out of the house once to the doctor's office. Both boys are gaining weight too, so that is a win!
The sleep deprivation has been tough as the boys eat at least every 3 hours and the whole process still takes us at least an hour to complete. That only leaves 1-2 hours in-between for eating, resting, or doing anything around the house. Luckily our parents have been lifesavers! DH's mom is staying with us and cooks all the meals (literally handing us plates of food), cleans up, does all the laundry (which there is lots of), and takes a night shift so we can sleep. My parents take care of our dog, run errands and help with feeds whenever they can.
While it has been a blur, I am proud of how we have managed so far. I'm a bit emotional these days, partially due to the lack of sleep, but also as I process and grieve the journey that got us here. I have a lot of emotions about how tough it was and I am only starting to realize some of them now. But that's a story for another day!
Our triumphs of the week include: keeping the babies fed, clean and loved, learning to tandem feed, and making it out of the house once to the doctor's office. Both boys are gaining weight too, so that is a win!
The sleep deprivation has been tough as the boys eat at least every 3 hours and the whole process still takes us at least an hour to complete. That only leaves 1-2 hours in-between for eating, resting, or doing anything around the house. Luckily our parents have been lifesavers! DH's mom is staying with us and cooks all the meals (literally handing us plates of food), cleans up, does all the laundry (which there is lots of), and takes a night shift so we can sleep. My parents take care of our dog, run errands and help with feeds whenever they can.
While it has been a blur, I am proud of how we have managed so far. I'm a bit emotional these days, partially due to the lack of sleep, but also as I process and grieve the journey that got us here. I have a lot of emotions about how tough it was and I am only starting to realize some of them now. But that's a story for another day!
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Home
Seven years of waiting, wishing, hoping and praying,
Ten rounds of clomid and monitored cycles,
Four IUI's,
One miscarriage and angel baby,
Three and a half months of bed rest,
Seven weeks in the hospital on bed rest,
Ten weeks away from home,
Innumerable ultrasounds,
Two different hospitals,
Three trips to emergency
Countless nurses, IVs, and blood tests,
Thirteen hours of labour,
Twenty one days spent in the NICU...
And we are home with our two precious miracles. It wasn't easy, but it was worth it all.
Ten rounds of clomid and monitored cycles,
Four IUI's,
One miscarriage and angel baby,
Three and a half months of bed rest,
Seven weeks in the hospital on bed rest,
Ten weeks away from home,
Innumerable ultrasounds,
Two different hospitals,
Three trips to emergency
Countless nurses, IVs, and blood tests,
Thirteen hours of labour,
Twenty one days spent in the NICU...
And we are home with our two precious miracles. It wasn't easy, but it was worth it all.
Almost there...
We are so close! Tonight we have been invited back to "room-in" with the boys in the NICU. This means that they are in a private room and we will stay overnight and do all their feeds and caretaking ourselves through the night, just as if we were at home. If they do well, we get to go HOME tomorrow!!!!!
Tomorrow is their twin due date (38 weeks) and 3 weeks since they were born. It would be so incredible to take them home on such a special day.
DH and I took a night off the other night and went home. It was the first time I had been home in 10 weeks. TEN WEEKS! It was overwhelming and emotional, but great to help prepare me for this transition. We tried to get a lot of rest, but I just wanted to nest and organize so badly. Most of that will have to be done once we're home though. At least I got to see the nursery (for the first time) and start to lay out things in my head for how life will be.
Hopefully the next time I update it will be from somewhere other than the NICU...
Tomorrow is their twin due date (38 weeks) and 3 weeks since they were born. It would be so incredible to take them home on such a special day.
DH and I took a night off the other night and went home. It was the first time I had been home in 10 weeks. TEN WEEKS! It was overwhelming and emotional, but great to help prepare me for this transition. We tried to get a lot of rest, but I just wanted to nest and organize so badly. Most of that will have to be done once we're home though. At least I got to see the nursery (for the first time) and start to lay out things in my head for how life will be.
Hopefully the next time I update it will be from somewhere other than the NICU...
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Two Weeks Baby Boys!
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| Baby B on left, Baby A on right |
Happy Two Weeks baby boys! This is their first "cuddle" session together. You can't really tell, but they had their hands on top of one another in the middle (so freaking cute!!!). The boys are champs. I'm still figuring out how to refer to them on my blog (since I don't want to use their names much online), but Baby A is a bottle champ! He is finishing bottles in 15 minutes and almost feeding exclusively on bottles (since I haven't been able to breastfeed). Baby B prefers the breast and is a bit slower at feeding by bottle, but he will get there. The nurses are even talking about us possibly going home soon! So. In. Love.
Hemorrhage, D&C, Transfusion...oh my!
Well it's been an eventful few days here. First off, the boys are great! I'll update more on them later.
Me, on the other hand... not doing so hot. It started a week ago, one week postpartum. I had been bleeding since giving birth, and thought it was normal. Towards the end of the first week I started passing bigger clots. Then, I was in the NICU when I had a big bleed. It just started gushing out of me after I had breastfed the boys. Since I don't have a family doctor in this town, the NICU nurses suggested I go to emergency and be seen by a doctor. Long story short, they did an ultrasound and found that I had retained some tissue in my uterus. I was given misoprostol and that was supposed to be the end of it. (Though now I think my body does not really respond to misoprostol since I've had it three times and it hasn't done very much). I bled a bit the next few days (but not much) and then it sort of slowed down. That is, until Friday (two weeks post-partum).
We were out for dinner with two friends who had come for a visit (both guys, at that, how embarrassing!). As we were about to leave, I felt a gush of blood. I tried to get up to run to the washroom, but the blood just kept coming. I had to tell everyone what was happening. As we sat there trying to decide what to do, the bleeding got worse. I eventually told them to call an ambulance. By that time, I had a pool of blood around my feet and had soaked completely through my pants (TMI, I know!). The ambulance arrived and took me away on a stretcher. In emergency the doctor saw me and then called the OB. The OB attempted to release the rest of the blood by sticking one hand inside my uterus AND pushing on the outside of my abdomen (worst experience EVER... way more painful than childbirth!). She then ordered an emergency D&C (it was 10:00pm) so I was taken away for surgery. The D&C went well but I had lost a ton of blood. I couldn't even sit up in bed without almost passing out, so they kept me overnight. The OB told me that the amount of products they had seen in the ultrasound did not accurately reflect how much retained placenta I actually had. There was a lot of placenta still left inside, I guess. As it was detaching, my body kept producing more blood to send to the placenta, and then the uterus would release it. It built up to a critical mass and that is what caused the hemorrhage.
In the morning they checked my blood levels and my hemoglobin was down to 50 (normal is 120-160) so I was ordered a blood transfusion (2 bags). Apparently I was white as a ghost too. And I was on IV fluids all day/night so I puffed up like a balloon. But the blood helped. Last night my levels were up to 80, which is what they were at during pregnancy. Still low, but much more stable. I was discharged and allowed to come back to the motel to rest up.
Today my muscles are all sore (I think from the anesthesia) and my throat is swollen (they put a tube for oxygen down my throat), but the bleeding has almost all stopped! I am pretty weak, but I really, really hope this is the end and I'll be on an upswing from here. I saw the boys before we left the hospital yesterday but today I have stayed home and DH has brought my pumped milk in to feed them. I miss them like crazy and feel bad for not being there, but I know I need to rest up and gain strength so I can better care for them. I am worried that all the bottle feeding will affect their breast feeding, but everyone is telling me not to worry. Once again, this is a setback but we will recover.
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