I'm still here. Still getting by. I think the bleeding has stopped for good. I went in for acupuncture today and she did a treatment to help draw out any remains in the uterus.
I've made it through the week and we're leaving first thing in the morning. Hooray. I only wish it were longer...
I think my hormones must be adjusting themselves, because I'm all over again. I want to cry, but I cant. Some things make me sad, and other things make me so happy, but I still don't feel like I can fully express my happiness. I am super cranky and on edge the last few days. I want the boys out of the house! I want friends, but I also don't want people around because I'm pooped from work. I feel exhausted pretty much all the time!
I just realized that next weekend is the weekend my brother-in-law moves out, and my sister and hubby (and baby in-utero) arrive for their visit. I'm not ready for that! I'm not nearly finished the quilt I'm making. And we're not emotionally ready to see them and hang out and have a fun time. DH is especially dreading it. Also there was a bunch of work/family/church stuff (all related) that came up this week. I am stressed. I can't handle any more stress. Neither can DH. But there really is no way to get out of it.
I think right about now, we need a miracle to get through this next month.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Monday, May 21, 2012
I thought it was over...
I thought it was over... but it's not.
Last night I passed the sac. I won't get into all the details here, except to say that it was surprising, slightly traumatizing, and a bit yucky. I had felt fine all day. I even went for 2 walks. I told DH that I felt like my womb was still inflamed, and hurt to touch, but overall I felt much better. My bleeding had mostly subsided. And then, while we were out with your young adults group (in Boston Pizza of all places), it came out. Shocking. All night long I had bad cramping again and was up almost every hour. I hope it's all out now. I still feel a bit crampy and inflamed, so I'm not sure if that means there's more? I'm not sure what anything means anymore. Clearly, I have no idea what my body is doing, and it's not doing things the "standard" way (if there is even one).
I'm exhausted, but at work today. The only thing getting me through is that DH and I are going away for a night for a concert in Vancouver. I'm so excited! We almost weren't going to go due to finances, but we decided that we need a FUN night away. Just have to make it to Friday...
Last night I passed the sac. I won't get into all the details here, except to say that it was surprising, slightly traumatizing, and a bit yucky. I had felt fine all day. I even went for 2 walks. I told DH that I felt like my womb was still inflamed, and hurt to touch, but overall I felt much better. My bleeding had mostly subsided. And then, while we were out with your young adults group (in Boston Pizza of all places), it came out. Shocking. All night long I had bad cramping again and was up almost every hour. I hope it's all out now. I still feel a bit crampy and inflamed, so I'm not sure if that means there's more? I'm not sure what anything means anymore. Clearly, I have no idea what my body is doing, and it's not doing things the "standard" way (if there is even one).
I'm exhausted, but at work today. The only thing getting me through is that DH and I are going away for a night for a concert in Vancouver. I'm so excited! We almost weren't going to go due to finances, but we decided that we need a FUN night away. Just have to make it to Friday...
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Spring photos
I almost forgot that I promised a picture of my latest project. It is not done yet, but I am working on my first quilt! After I got that wonderful sewing machine for my birthday I really wanted to make a quilt. Only problem, I have never made one before (besides some quilted placemats in grade 11 sewing). But, I just decided to go at it! The plan is to give it to my sister for her baby, but I might just keep it for myself. We'll see. It is still in progress. I have to finish the quilting and then I hope to put a border of satin all around the edges. It is so cozy. I'll get a better picture up once it's done.
Today I did make it out to the Farmer's Market. Here's a shot from there.
And I came home with a bunch of tomato plants and got them staked up to grow nice and big!
Oooh, and I don't remember posting a picture of my "girly" room I created. Since I live with so many boys (3 right now) I decided I need a space for myself. So I rearranged the guest room and put in a sewing center, a tea and reading area and just girlied it up. I love it!
And don't worry. I did take a nap today! I'm resting again now and then we're having P&J over for dinner. It will be nice to see some friends again.
Today I did make it out to the Farmer's Market. Here's a shot from there.
And I came home with a bunch of tomato plants and got them staked up to grow nice and big!
Oooh, and I don't remember posting a picture of my "girly" room I created. Since I live with so many boys (3 right now) I decided I need a space for myself. So I rearranged the guest room and put in a sewing center, a tea and reading area and just girlied it up. I love it!
Friday, May 18, 2012
Afterthoughts
Today was a much better day! I felt alive again today. I still had some moments of cramping/pain but they were minimal, likely due to the fact that I kept taking painkillers all day today. I took it quite easy but couldn't sit and do absolutely nothing, so I mopped the floors and was the "overseer" as DH and his brother power-washed the house and used the weed-eater on the lawn. Later I tried to sweep the deck and realized that was a bad idea as I had some cramping afterwards. Overall I felt pretty good though. I tried to nap but wasn't nearly as exhausted (plus I had slept for almost 11 hours last night). I just felt so relieved to be through the worst of it!
Emotionally, I actually feel really good. All day I just had this settled, happy feeling, like when you have a secret and there is a smile tucked softly in your lips. I tried to explain it to DH and the closest feeling I could relate it to was nostalgia, where you are remembering something that gives you good memories. I don't know why I feel that way today. Maybe it's partly the hope I have that now we can move on... and the feeling I have that we WILL be successful. Or it just could be hormones readjusting back to normal and maybe I've just been a grump for so long that I forgot what it was like to be happy. Haha! I realized that I barely cried at all during this whole ordeal. The only time tears came was last night, when I was in so much pain. I had heard about a lady we used to know who just had a baby. She must be over 40, and had adopted 2 children already because her and her husband couldn't have kids. I don't know what happened... I didn't even know she was pregnant... but I looked her up on Facebook and there she was holding a brand new baby. Something about that just broke me and I cried and cried.
There's a few thoughts I've been mulling on in going through this miscarriage. Some may be advice for others going through this, and some are just simple observations. Here they are:
- Part of me wishes I had gone ahead with the D&C, or even the misoprostal much earlier than I did. If I had of known the whole ordeal would have been drawn out so long (we found out that we had a blighted ovum at 7 1/2 weeks and did not miscarry naturally until 12 1/2 weeks!), I would have sped it up for sure. We just kept thinking, "Well, it might be tomorrow..." I was scared to use the misoprostal (now I don't think it was much worse than what I experienced) and I didn't want to do a D&C unnecessarily. I'd like to think that the extra time we waited allowed us to emotionally come to terms with what had happened. When it did actually happen, it wasn't surprising and we were ready for it. Somehow, I think that made it easier. I still wonder, though, how we would feel it we had gone ahead with it sooner...
- The lack of precise information about miscarriages is really annoying! I read and read online, but everyone's experience is unique. The part I hated most was not knowing what to expect! It was so reassuring when I received some of your comments (like the one from Mo... thank you!) that helped me see that what I was going through was normal.
- In hindsight, I wish that more people knew about our pregnancy so they could have been there for us through the miscarriage. It was really awkward to be in a place where we were waiting to miscarry, but had not yet. Now that it is over we do plan to tell people that we had a miscarriage and hope we'll get some "after" support.
- Hot water bottle, cool cloth, comfy pants and ibuprofen were lifesavers! At first I had read not to take ibuprofen, but once the nurse told me I could take it and it would help the cramps, I found that it worked way better than tylenol. Thank you nurse!
- I know I had heard about miscarriages before, but really I had no idea the impact of what they were like. I guess that I had never really thought through the process before. Even knowing that my mom had a miscarriage didn't really clue me in. I kind of thought it happened, and it was over, and people move on. For one thing, I didn't realize that they could be so long and drawn out (though I think our case was a bit abnormal). And secondly, I didn't realize the impact that they can have - both physically and emotionally.
- On that note, I know that a lot of people do something to remember their lost baby. I feel torn about this one. Because right from the beginning we knew there was a problem, and because it was a blighted ovum, I never really felt attached to an actual "baby." Still, we had the potential to have a baby, and that failed. Also I don't know how/when to actually "date" the miscarriage as a day to remember. I think I will mark it as May 16th, since that's when the major bleeding started and all. I did pass a bit of something tissue like that could have been the sac... the nurse said it was too small, but it was only a 5-week sac that was shrinking in size. So I think it could have been the baby sac. That was on the morning of the 16th so that is the day I will choose to remember. My mom bought me a plant in memory of this life and I will plant that.
- I plan to take good care of my body the next little while and do what I can to nourish it back to health and vitality. If anyone has any tips on natural remedies to aid in recovery after a miscarriage, feel free to pass them on! Has anyone done a fertility cleanse? I might try that once my cycle gets sorted out.
- As much as I am excited to get back to baby-making, I don't feel anxious to get going. I'm sure that as soon as things start up again, I'll want to get right back at it, but right now I feel glad to be able to let my body get itself sorted out. I also have grand notions that we will become pregnant quite quickly again. I know that is not always the case and so I need to protect myself from disappointment. I just can't seem to shake off that notion...
Well, that's all for now. Oh, I have to show you the project I've been working on during my down-time here (to keep me from going crazy!). Stay tuned for a photo tomorrow. Goodnight everyone!
Emotionally, I actually feel really good. All day I just had this settled, happy feeling, like when you have a secret and there is a smile tucked softly in your lips. I tried to explain it to DH and the closest feeling I could relate it to was nostalgia, where you are remembering something that gives you good memories. I don't know why I feel that way today. Maybe it's partly the hope I have that now we can move on... and the feeling I have that we WILL be successful. Or it just could be hormones readjusting back to normal and maybe I've just been a grump for so long that I forgot what it was like to be happy. Haha! I realized that I barely cried at all during this whole ordeal. The only time tears came was last night, when I was in so much pain. I had heard about a lady we used to know who just had a baby. She must be over 40, and had adopted 2 children already because her and her husband couldn't have kids. I don't know what happened... I didn't even know she was pregnant... but I looked her up on Facebook and there she was holding a brand new baby. Something about that just broke me and I cried and cried.
There's a few thoughts I've been mulling on in going through this miscarriage. Some may be advice for others going through this, and some are just simple observations. Here they are:
- Part of me wishes I had gone ahead with the D&C, or even the misoprostal much earlier than I did. If I had of known the whole ordeal would have been drawn out so long (we found out that we had a blighted ovum at 7 1/2 weeks and did not miscarry naturally until 12 1/2 weeks!), I would have sped it up for sure. We just kept thinking, "Well, it might be tomorrow..." I was scared to use the misoprostal (now I don't think it was much worse than what I experienced) and I didn't want to do a D&C unnecessarily. I'd like to think that the extra time we waited allowed us to emotionally come to terms with what had happened. When it did actually happen, it wasn't surprising and we were ready for it. Somehow, I think that made it easier. I still wonder, though, how we would feel it we had gone ahead with it sooner...
- The lack of precise information about miscarriages is really annoying! I read and read online, but everyone's experience is unique. The part I hated most was not knowing what to expect! It was so reassuring when I received some of your comments (like the one from Mo... thank you!) that helped me see that what I was going through was normal.
- In hindsight, I wish that more people knew about our pregnancy so they could have been there for us through the miscarriage. It was really awkward to be in a place where we were waiting to miscarry, but had not yet. Now that it is over we do plan to tell people that we had a miscarriage and hope we'll get some "after" support.
- Hot water bottle, cool cloth, comfy pants and ibuprofen were lifesavers! At first I had read not to take ibuprofen, but once the nurse told me I could take it and it would help the cramps, I found that it worked way better than tylenol. Thank you nurse!
- I know I had heard about miscarriages before, but really I had no idea the impact of what they were like. I guess that I had never really thought through the process before. Even knowing that my mom had a miscarriage didn't really clue me in. I kind of thought it happened, and it was over, and people move on. For one thing, I didn't realize that they could be so long and drawn out (though I think our case was a bit abnormal). And secondly, I didn't realize the impact that they can have - both physically and emotionally.
- On that note, I know that a lot of people do something to remember their lost baby. I feel torn about this one. Because right from the beginning we knew there was a problem, and because it was a blighted ovum, I never really felt attached to an actual "baby." Still, we had the potential to have a baby, and that failed. Also I don't know how/when to actually "date" the miscarriage as a day to remember. I think I will mark it as May 16th, since that's when the major bleeding started and all. I did pass a bit of something tissue like that could have been the sac... the nurse said it was too small, but it was only a 5-week sac that was shrinking in size. So I think it could have been the baby sac. That was on the morning of the 16th so that is the day I will choose to remember. My mom bought me a plant in memory of this life and I will plant that.
- I plan to take good care of my body the next little while and do what I can to nourish it back to health and vitality. If anyone has any tips on natural remedies to aid in recovery after a miscarriage, feel free to pass them on! Has anyone done a fertility cleanse? I might try that once my cycle gets sorted out.
- As much as I am excited to get back to baby-making, I don't feel anxious to get going. I'm sure that as soon as things start up again, I'll want to get right back at it, but right now I feel glad to be able to let my body get itself sorted out. I also have grand notions that we will become pregnant quite quickly again. I know that is not always the case and so I need to protect myself from disappointment. I just can't seem to shake off that notion...
Well, that's all for now. Oh, I have to show you the project I've been working on during my down-time here (to keep me from going crazy!). Stay tuned for a photo tomorrow. Goodnight everyone!
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Evening update
Thanks everyone for all the wonderful comments and support! Since not many people around me actually know what is going on, it is so great to have your support.
I feel WAY better than I did when I wrote the last post. I'm not quite sure why, but I suddenly feel "normal" again. I was soooo out of it, probably due to lack of food and lots of tylenol. I took the second dose of misoprostal almost 4 hours ago. Since then, everything has majorly calmed down. It's weird because I was expecting it to get way worse. Maybe I didn't insert it far enough in? Or maybe this is the calm before the storm? I don't know, but I'm not complaining at having a bit of reprieve. I was able to get out of bed, eat a tiny bit of dinner, do some sewing (I have to get this quilt done before my sis arrives in a few weeks). The contractions have mostly stopped and it's more like cramping now. The bleeding has actually subsided a bit. I'm not sure that means it's "over" but for now I feel alright. I sent DH out for some gelato and am going to cuddle up with a movie and the hot water bottle (Yes Crystal, it has worked wonders! So has a cool cloth on my belly with the hot water bottle on my lower back). I'll probably check-in with my RE tomorrow to make sure everything seems okay and go from there.
I feel WAY better than I did when I wrote the last post. I'm not quite sure why, but I suddenly feel "normal" again. I was soooo out of it, probably due to lack of food and lots of tylenol. I took the second dose of misoprostal almost 4 hours ago. Since then, everything has majorly calmed down. It's weird because I was expecting it to get way worse. Maybe I didn't insert it far enough in? Or maybe this is the calm before the storm? I don't know, but I'm not complaining at having a bit of reprieve. I was able to get out of bed, eat a tiny bit of dinner, do some sewing (I have to get this quilt done before my sis arrives in a few weeks). The contractions have mostly stopped and it's more like cramping now. The bleeding has actually subsided a bit. I'm not sure that means it's "over" but for now I feel alright. I sent DH out for some gelato and am going to cuddle up with a movie and the hot water bottle (Yes Crystal, it has worked wonders! So has a cool cloth on my belly with the hot water bottle on my lower back). I'll probably check-in with my RE tomorrow to make sure everything seems okay and go from there.
Day 2: Miscarriage
This is definitely the least fun thing I have ever had to go through!
The contractions I faced yesterday lasted pretty much all night. I slept for about 2 hours and then was up til 3am. Finally I called the24-hour nurses line and the nurse was wonderful. I was basically worried because though I was having all the contractions, they weren't producing anything (tissue, clots, etc.). I was bleeding, but that was it. Also the pain was getting more and more intense (probably a 6/7 out of 10). She basically told me that if the pain got any worse, or if I became feverish or lightheaded, I should go to the hospital. She also told me I could take ibuprofen (I had only taken extra strength tylenol). That did the trick. I finally fell asleep and slept through till morning.
Pretty much all of today has been spent in bed. I had to call my RE this morning and he told me that he would like me to take the misoprostal to get things moving along. So I took the first dose this morning and will do another one this afternoon. That was super gross, but anyways... moving along. I don't think it has really helped yet. I am bleeding more but still not passing the tissue that I need to. Hopefully this second dose will really get things going. I am so tired of the constant pain all the way from my uterus to my lower back. My body is tired of going through this. I can barely eat anything because food makes me feel super sick. DH looked at me and said I look so haggard, haha.
I just want it to be over soon. I feel like I'm ready, but obviously my body does not. Maybe there are some deep seeded emotions not wanting to let go of this little life and my body is holding on for that. I don't know. All I know is that I can't wait till this is over and life can resume to normal once again. I really don't wish this experience on anybody!
The contractions I faced yesterday lasted pretty much all night. I slept for about 2 hours and then was up til 3am. Finally I called the24-hour nurses line and the nurse was wonderful. I was basically worried because though I was having all the contractions, they weren't producing anything (tissue, clots, etc.). I was bleeding, but that was it. Also the pain was getting more and more intense (probably a 6/7 out of 10). She basically told me that if the pain got any worse, or if I became feverish or lightheaded, I should go to the hospital. She also told me I could take ibuprofen (I had only taken extra strength tylenol). That did the trick. I finally fell asleep and slept through till morning.
Pretty much all of today has been spent in bed. I had to call my RE this morning and he told me that he would like me to take the misoprostal to get things moving along. So I took the first dose this morning and will do another one this afternoon. That was super gross, but anyways... moving along. I don't think it has really helped yet. I am bleeding more but still not passing the tissue that I need to. Hopefully this second dose will really get things going. I am so tired of the constant pain all the way from my uterus to my lower back. My body is tired of going through this. I can barely eat anything because food makes me feel super sick. DH looked at me and said I look so haggard, haha.
I just want it to be over soon. I feel like I'm ready, but obviously my body does not. Maybe there are some deep seeded emotions not wanting to let go of this little life and my body is holding on for that. I don't know. All I know is that I can't wait till this is over and life can resume to normal once again. I really don't wish this experience on anybody!
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
The one about the miscarriage
It's here. It's official. I am miscarrying.
***Warning: This is a TMI post about my current state of miscarriage.***
I went back to the doctor on Monday to see what he said and, surprisingly, I started very lightly spotting that morning. We had a talk anyways and decided that if the spotting hadn't progressed by the end of the week, I would take misoprostal. Tuesday was just more spotting, and I had some slight cramps at the end of the day.
This morning I was woken up near 5:00am with waves of cramping. Though similar to period cramps, it was different and more intense. I tried to count to see if it was contraction-like in the timing but gave up. I wavered between sleep, cramps, and using the washroom until I got up at 8:00 for work. I wasn't bleeding very much yet and thought I'd see how bad I was doing. So, I took the dog for a walk! I came back and showered and got myself ready. I was still cramping, but it would just come every few minutes and then subside. I decided I'd go in for a meeting I had this morning and then likely do a short day. I actually survived pretty well at work but was feeling slightly foggy and out of it so I decided to come home. When I got home, I napped. Since I woke up though, the cramping has definitely increased. It is kind of like a constant pain radiating from my uterus to my back. It still comes in waves and gets intense, then tapers off. I am bleeding a bit more, and just now starting to pass some tissue. I had called the doctor earlier to see if I should still pick up the prescription for misoprostal and he said to take it if things hadn't "advanced" by tomorrow morning. So I picked it up. I'm freaked out of using it though, and now I'm thinking I might not have to.
Currently, I can't figure out what to do with myself. It's uncomfortable lying down. It's uncomfortable sitting. I can barely walk around except slowly and carefully. I tried reading and couldn't concentrate. I tried eating but feel kind of ill. My sink is full of dishes that I want to do, but can't even muster up the energy to get to. A hot water bottle has been helpful and I'll probably go distract myself with some TV.
I did call sick into work tomorrow too so we'll see how this goes and go from there. I don't know if I can expect it to get worse, or if it will be like this for a long time... the hardest part is not knowing! Any other tips or suggestions on how to get through this??? Thanks for the support!
***Warning: This is a TMI post about my current state of miscarriage.***
I went back to the doctor on Monday to see what he said and, surprisingly, I started very lightly spotting that morning. We had a talk anyways and decided that if the spotting hadn't progressed by the end of the week, I would take misoprostal. Tuesday was just more spotting, and I had some slight cramps at the end of the day.
This morning I was woken up near 5:00am with waves of cramping. Though similar to period cramps, it was different and more intense. I tried to count to see if it was contraction-like in the timing but gave up. I wavered between sleep, cramps, and using the washroom until I got up at 8:00 for work. I wasn't bleeding very much yet and thought I'd see how bad I was doing. So, I took the dog for a walk! I came back and showered and got myself ready. I was still cramping, but it would just come every few minutes and then subside. I decided I'd go in for a meeting I had this morning and then likely do a short day. I actually survived pretty well at work but was feeling slightly foggy and out of it so I decided to come home. When I got home, I napped. Since I woke up though, the cramping has definitely increased. It is kind of like a constant pain radiating from my uterus to my back. It still comes in waves and gets intense, then tapers off. I am bleeding a bit more, and just now starting to pass some tissue. I had called the doctor earlier to see if I should still pick up the prescription for misoprostal and he said to take it if things hadn't "advanced" by tomorrow morning. So I picked it up. I'm freaked out of using it though, and now I'm thinking I might not have to.
Currently, I can't figure out what to do with myself. It's uncomfortable lying down. It's uncomfortable sitting. I can barely walk around except slowly and carefully. I tried reading and couldn't concentrate. I tried eating but feel kind of ill. My sink is full of dishes that I want to do, but can't even muster up the energy to get to. A hot water bottle has been helpful and I'll probably go distract myself with some TV.
I did call sick into work tomorrow too so we'll see how this goes and go from there. I don't know if I can expect it to get worse, or if it will be like this for a long time... the hardest part is not knowing! Any other tips or suggestions on how to get through this??? Thanks for the support!
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