Blogworld

Well, I just had myself added to the infamous blogroll over at Stirrup Queens list of blogs (otherwise known as: "the Stirrup Queen's Completely Anal List of Blogs That Proves That She Really Missed Her Calling as a Personal Organizer."  If you're looking for some reading on the topics I discuss here, you can find a whole slew of them on her blog.  It is pretty cool to see how much support and how many others are going through the same thing.  There are also a lot of success stories, which I find super helpful in those low moments.

You can find the list here: http://www.stirrup-queens.com/a-whole-lot-of-blogging-brought-to-you-sorted-and-filed/

I also submitted my blog to the Creme de la Creme list that she hosts each year.  You can find information on that here: http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2011/10/the-yearly-creme-de-la-creme-list-is-now-open/

In other news, still just waiting!  I'm planning to call in on Friday and see if I can start my LH bloodwork then.  I'm just scared that I will miss it if I wait too long.  I haven't had much luck with the urine LH tests but I am going to give them a try this week too.  Hopefully in a few days we'll be on our way to the city for some planned baby-making times!  Haha.

Dreaded day 5

I can't back this up with evidence, but I am pretty sure my hormones take a super plummet right near the end of my period, right around day 5.  Combine that with day 3 of clomid, and you do not want to mess with me!  This also happens to fall on a Saturday.  Now I love Saturdays.  But lately, with the way our life has been, I work, work, work like mad to have everything done so that I can actually enjoy my Saturday off.  But no matter how hard I try, it just isn't enough.  There is ALWAYS something more to be done.  I think this is the way that life just is.. but I suck at it.  I find it so hard to dump everything and go and "have fun" knowing that I have to come back to a pile of work to do.  I would much rather work hard, finish everything early and THEN go play and have fun.  Also the last few Saturdays because I have been working so hard, I find I kind of crash on Saturday.  And when I try to have fun, I don't. 

Such is the place I am in today.  I don't want to see anybody, do anything, or even crawl out of my bed.  And yet I want to enjoy my one day off and have fun but it's like I can't.  Is it this crazy mix of hormones, or is it me?  I can't really tell anymore... 

Friday night

Friday night!  It's a homemade pizza, sitting on the couch, eating popcorn and knitting Christmas presents kind of night.  I've been fighting a bit of a bug all week and am just wiped today.  I hoped to accomplish lots of errands and things, but everything took way too long and I was not feeling good.  Oh well.  Tomorrow is a no agenda day so hopefully I can catch up!

I did go in for acupuncture today, with my original ND and not the TCM doctor.  I figure it is more comfortable for me, and I like her a lot.  Day 4 of cycle, clomid started... now lets get those eggs growing!

Baby on the mind...

I really don't know how I am going to make it through this month!  Ever since our appointment, and even more since our decision to go ahead with IUI this month, I can't stop thinking about it!!!  I came across an endearing story from Infertile Girl over at http://joysofinfertility.com/ who went into a lengthy description of her IVF cycle when asked how her eggs were, when the person asking was only asking how the deviled eggs she was eating were!   I completely understood.  It is consuming me.  And I haven't even gone through the procedure or started the dreaded 2ww.  How am I going to survive???

Now I am stressing because AF came early!  This means that day 12, when I start daily bloodwork to look for LH surge, is on a Saturday.  That is fine, but if there is no surge on the Saturday, I am supposed to test on Sunday... but there is no lab open in our town on Sunday.  I can't drive 3 hours just to have bloodwork to see if I'm ovulating!  I will have to try using the home ovulation tests, but I have never been able to have success with them (maybe I'm just not doing them right).  And, if I do have the LH surge on Saturday, that means we have to go on Sunday for the procedure, but Sunday is DH's busiest day!  We couldn't leave until after church and then we'd have to get someone to cover our evening study too.  I haven't told DH this yet... I think it will stress him out.  If ovulation takes longer, then I am going to have to miss work for a day, which isn't a big deal but I'll have to call in sick even though I don't really get sick days.  Aaahh!!!  I called the clinic today to see their recommendation (the dr. had told me to call if day 12-14 fell over a weekend) and all they said was wait until we get to then and we'll see.  We'll see?!?!?!  I am a planner.  I need to know what is coming!  I'm not good at, "we'll see." 

Oh well, it won't be so bad, and it's really not that far away.  Like, really not far at all.  And I feel strangely hopeful about this, but then I feel mixed too because I don't want to get my hopes up.  Basically, I see it this way.  We haven't been able to conceive on our own for a number of years.  There is nothing visibly wrong that the doctors can find.  I'm ovulating, DH's sperm is fine, we do it on the right days and so on.  But somewhere, his little guys aren't quite making it to my lady egg, you know what I mean?  Or they are, and she is not accepting them, or deciding not to implant or something.  So, I feel really positive like if IUI is going to work, it will work right away.  The thing is, if it's not going to work, I don't know what we're going to do next.  This is kind of it.  If it doesn't work, I'm just not sure.  And so for now, I will keep hoping and praying.  And try not to think about it until I have to.

Creme de la Creme

So I submitted my first blog to a "contest" (if you can call it that) of the Yearly Creme de la Creme blogs for infertility.  I thought I'd mention it so that if you are interested, you can too.  You can find information on it here: http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2011/10/the-yearly-creme-de-la-creme-list-is-now-open/

I also hope to add my blog to the blogroll because more exposure means more support and friends gained!  I see there have been a few more visitors lately and I'd love to get to know you too.  Feel free to send me a note, or leave a comment sharing a bit about your journey.  We can't get through this alone!

In other news, my old friend aunt flo decided to show up today - earlier than anticipated.  That got us into a bit of a flurry of activity and decision making.  But the verdict is in... we are going to try IUI this month!!!  It's a busy time and we have lots going on, but we figure... what do we have to lose? (apart from the money, which is a bit of a stress but that's another story)  It will never be the "perfect time" to try, and if there were a great time to get pregnant, this would be it (though again, any time would be fine with us).  It will be a bit tricky to navigate around work stuff and all, but we'll just do it.  We'll call in sick if we have to (I havne't told anyone at work about it yet).  The only problem would be if the day fell on a Sunday, but we'll just hope it doesn't... At this point, I should ovulate around the 5th of December. Hopefully I can get in for my day 12 bloodwork on the Saturday (I think our lab is open on Saturday) and if all is well we could head back to the city on Monday or Tuesday.  That is soooo soon!!!!  DH's 30th birthday is on Dec. 8th, so we are hoping this does not interfere with his festivities but how cool would it be to conceive THIS MONTH! 

Anyways, I am at work and should really not be blogging... so I will keep you posted!

First Fertility Clinic Visit!

Well, we just came back from our first official fertility clinic visit!  Actually it was yesterday, but we decided to make a "weekend" out of it and spent 2 nights in the city.  See, we actually live 3 hours away from the city with the clinic.  So, up until this point, I have only seen my MD and Gynecologist doctor (not sure what the abbreviation is for that).  Part of me regrets that I didn't go to a fertility clinic earlier.  I guess I really did not know what my options were.  And in the past 5 years we have moved to 3 different cities.  I started my IF journey in a city where the doctor told us we had to be "trying" for a year before we could be seen (even though we had been trying for a year at that point).  We moved shortly after and I started blood work and saw a ND but was never referred to anything more.  It wasn't until we moved to this city a year ago that I found out about my options and finally got the referrals going.  So... that brings us to now.

The visit was good, I guess.  I think it was pretty much what I expected.  DH and I were both quite nervous going in, and we had to wait over a half hour (doctor was late), which didn't help.  On top of that (which I found out afterwards), while we were in the waiting room a couple came out who DH knows.  I had seen him put his head down and I thought, "wow, he must just be really embarrassed by this" but I found out later that he knew the guy and didn't want to have awkward small talk.  The thing is, they are from the same city as us... crazy hey?  When we arrived there was a single girl in the waiting room and she saw the doctor first and came out with packages in her arms and was brought to the "other" side of the clinic (where they do procedures I think).  While we were there another older single lady came in, and then a couple with a little boy.  It was a really small waiting room and so we were just quiet and waited.  Finally it was our time to go in! 

The doctor was nice.  He was clearly a doctor and just cut to the chase, but he was nice.  He did a full medical history of me and then looked at all our labs.  Then he wanted to do an exam on me.  I decided to leave DH behind (with his approval) because I knew the Dr. would be looking "down there" and that DH would be VERY uncomfortable with it, haha.  So the Dr. examined me, and then did an internal ultrasound (which was a little weird and a bit painful when he pushed to the sides, but kind of cool because I got to see my uterus and ovaries and he could tell the ovary that I had just ovulated from).  He said that my uterine lining was perfect for where I was at in my cycle.  And then he did a tummy ultrasound too.  And that was it for the exam.

Back in his office, we started to discuss options.  He told us that we, "should have been pregnant by now" and that he had no idea why it wasn't working.  We talked about all the stages that go into conceiving and how something was going wrong somewhere along the line.  He said that my last FSH test was in the normal range, but slightly low so he wants me to test that again.  Then we talked about IUI.  With people like us, they like to do 3 tries at IUI before doing IVF.  Since we haven't conceived in 5 years our chances are lower, but it could be the solution.  He gave DH some blood tests to do too.  Then we got the instructions... start taking clomid on day 3, go for bloodwork on day 3, go back on day 12 and get bloodwork done and call them that afternoon to see what the results are... and then once ovulation hits, get our butts back to the city for the IUI.  Crazy!  We could start this month and since I'm on day 23, that could be VERY SOON!  DH is worried because we don't know exactly what day we'd have to go back to the city, and there are some days he has to be at work.  That is the suckiest part of things.  I'd like to try this month.  If we did conceive, it just might be on DH's 30th birthday and that would mean we would be PG for CHRISTMAS!  How incredible would that be?  But I can't get ahead of myself here... we haven't even decided for sure that this is what we would like to do...  And there is only a small chance it might work...  And maybe now is not the best time... 

Anyways, I'd love to write more but I have to go to a BD party tonight and just got back and have not unpacked and am really tired and need to change and get myself in order for the night...

Survived!

I survived.  I made it through the day without even a cry and I feel pretty good about the whole day.  The shower tonight was really laid-back.  The only "game" we played was that we had a whole bunch of old onesies and a ton of craft supplies and we each had to pick a onesie and "re-make" it with fabric, paints, bows, ribbons, buttons, etc.  We spent most of the night "crafting" and then did presents and that was it.  I had a fun time!  Hooray, there is a success for me!

Baby Shower Extravaganza

So today is the day.  2 baby showers in one day.  They are both unavoidable and I have been mentally preparing myself for them for weeks.  Well, last week I considered faking sick for the day…

The first one was here at work, during work time (over a potluck lunch) and so there was not really a way for me to say no.  It was not so bad because we just ate lunch and she opened the presents (It was for the girl who I have taken over maternity leave for, so I really don’t know her well.  Luckily, someone else wanted to go in on a gift certificate so that covered the gift for me).  The one this evening is a surprise one for the girl who is one of my best friends here.  I am really happy for her (honest) and I want to support her, but lately it has just been a bit harder, since she is really showing and all the conversation around her centers on talk about her baby.  Anyways, I feel pretty emotionally strong right now, and I also told another friend about our struggle so that she can support me tonight too, so I think it will be okay (and maybe even a bit of fun?).

On another note, I saw my counsellor again this week (she is just fantastic for me) and we had a good discussion about experiencing pain.  I was coming to realize that I don’t like to experience pain (who really does?) so much that I pretend it’s not really there.  Or I basically live two lives.  It became obvious to me as I was thinking about this blog and the things that I write about.  I am completely transparent here, but most of what I write is not known to anybody, except those who read this blog.  Furthermore, a lot of the emotions and things that I express on this blog are NOT feelings that I would ever truly express in real life.  Now that is a big disconnect between how I am truly feeling, and how I act.  I think it is probably more exhausting for me in trying to compartmentalize what I feel than letting my true feelings shine out once in a while.  So that is the journey that I am on.  I have no idea how to really start to reconcile the two “parts” of me, but I think it will be a big burden off of me when I do.  I don’t think I necessarily need to start blabbing about my problems to everyone I meet, but I do want to start to be more honest when asked about having kids, my current struggles, my life plan, etc.  So even telling this one other friend today was a big deal.  Baby steps, right?

I’d be curious, of anyone reading this blog, how did you make your journey public, and not just a private affair?  How do you let your feelings show without letting them rule (I don’t want to come across as an angry, bitter person…yet at the same time I AM angry about what is going on…)? 

I did it!

I did it!  I quit my job.  It was the hardest thing ever, but I did it.  I think that what I am feeling now is a sense of relief (though there may be a twinge of regret for the unknown part of things).  My supervisor was very understanding.  She also really didn't want me to leave, and tried to convince me to stay... but ultimately, she was very good.  She even spoke about having that "gut" feeling that something is not right for you, even when your brain may try to convince you of all the reasons that it is right.  And that pretty much sums me up. She wants me to keep in touch, in case the timing ever does work out for me to come there again.  But I know that now is not that time.  I wish it were.  I would like to make a ton of money and pay off my student loan... but all in time.

So for now, back to the good life of a 3 day work week.  And we'll see what is next.

Hosting... and the most stressful week ever!

(Warning: This post was NOT edited and is actually one big vent session)

Grrr!  It has been a terribly long, draining, stressful, exhausting, emotional kind of week.  And tonight just capped it off.

Hosting is one of my favorite things to do.  But I think I'm just going to have to give it up.  As of now, I just realized that we have ZERO non-baby/kid friends in the valley.  Apart from the college kids that kick around here sometimes, ALL of the couples we know are now either pregnant or already have kids... except for one couple that is moving away.  Even the couple who didn't have kids and we knew were struggling with infertility (though they had not told us, someone else had) is now pregnant (though they still did not tell us either).  And so a nice, relaxing potluck that was supposed to be a chance to come down after a long week turned into a night filled with screaming kids (there were only 2, but they were so loud!) and talk of all the woes of pregnancy.  I had to actually walk away from the table at one point and pretend to busy myself in the kitchen.  Actually, for most of the night I tried to "busy" myself as much as I could.  It just was not any fun at all.

As a pastoral couple, we are expected to spend time with people, and I grew up "watching" my mom and dad invite people into our house.  It's what I just love to do.  I am way more comfortable having someone over and setting up the house, preparing the meal and doing the dishes than going somewhere where I don't know what to expect.  But now I do not even enjoy having people into my home.

It probably didn't help that the week was so terrible and DH and I got into the HUGEST fight right before everyone came over.  I started a new job this week.  So, on top of an already-busy work week at my regular job (which had a few crises and highly intense moments), and on top of picking up the slack because DH hurt his back and couldn't walk the dog all week, and on top of saying goodbye to my crazy parents who are starting their shangra-la, mid-life-crisis, abandon all responsibility, travelling circus of a sabbatical...  I started a new job.  And it is intense.  And it is hard.  And I feel under-qualified.  And I don't like the setting, or the people, or the bureaucracy (it's a government job).  And it's the job I have always wanted to do, or so I thought.  And did I mention it's intense?  And it's really amazing pay.  And it's great experience both for learning and my resume.  And... and... and...

So, to sum it up, I worked my first day and came home really uncertain of if this job was a good fit for me right now.  The job is sort of what I expected, but I like it way less than I expected.  It feels like a lot of work and like it would take a lot of emotional resources.  And so we discussed the pros and cons of me taking it, and as much as I would love to do this job, we just both felt like maybe it's too much to take on right now.  But I felt like it wasn't fair for me to make such a quick judgement call, so I decided to go in today to give it one more shot.  Well, I decided that when I got to work, because I was really, really, really scared of telling them I couldn't do it.  I had already signed my life away, and met pretty much everyone in the office, and been given a key, and so on.  And I really just HATE quitting something.  Actually, I'm the total opposite and would rather take on EVERYTHING.  So I knew it would be really hard to walk in there and quit.  So, I texted my friend and she told me to get through today and evaluate over the weekend, which I thought was great advice.  So I got through today.  And I still didn't like the job by the end of the day and actually felt so stressed out.  (I also forgot to mention that I was so stressed out all last night that I clenched my jaw like crazy and had a huge headache and woke up exhausted today).

Anyways (wow, this is a much longer vent than I planned on writing) when I got home DH got mad at me for being so stressed out and "not listening to his opinion" and it just escalated and was no good.  The thing is, up until today he didn't have an opinion and was all like, "I'll support you in whatever you decide, etc."  And I didn't "not" listen to his opinion.  I definitely took his opinion to heart and had wanted him to tell me what he thought I should do.  I agreed with him even.  But I was having such a hard time implementing the decision and so decided to give it a bit more time for me to evaluate and be sure of it.  And so, right as we were at the pinnacle of the fight, it was time for everyone to come.

I don't even remember where I was going with this post.  Just that the night was "kid-filled" and no fun, and I was asked by the new couple we invited if we were going to have kids (they are a mixed couple, she is Korean and he is white) too.  And now DH is still mad at me.  And I'm burnt out.  And I have to quit my job on Monday.  And it's the worst week EVER!