Goodnight

Thought one more post would round off the day nicely.

I'm still wrestling through my thoughts.  I was in a pretty big funk for the afternoon but after a little nape, some food and fresh air, I can see my way out a bit.  I actually feel a bit numb.   I cried a little but that was all. 

It is not that I am super sad that we won't be pregnant this time around.  I really didn't expect it would work.  I just feel like I desperately needed a chance, some hope, that things were moving in the right direction.  I needed to feel like I was doing something in order to relax and be able to enjoy life again.  I'm not sure why this was so important to me, but it was. 

Now I just don't know what to do.  There is nothing for me to do. 

And due to my recent results, I am now questioning my early ovulation, high estriadol levels, wondering about low ovarian reserve... I don't know what to do.  Maybe I will call the clinic again.  I would love to speak to the doctor, to have someone look at my blood work and give me their thoughts, to figure out WHY our infertility is happening.  Sigh.

I think that's enough for one day.  I will go get some sleep.   Good night! 

My Fault

It was my fault.  Yes, I was surging on Saturday (day 10 and already at 18.6).  Yes, I was SUPPOSED to call the clinic to ask them to look out for my results (though why else would they randomly be receiving blood work for me, I don't know?).  They probably told me that back in November.  And I forgot.  And now we've missed it.  Even so, DH could not have made the trip on Sunday.  Sunday is our busy, full of work day with the church stuff.  And we had company in town.  So we missed it.  It's over. 

The lady on the phone kept saying, "But you had intercourse on the weekend, right?  And with clomid there's a good chance..."  Well lady, I've tried clomid 5 or 6 rounds so far... and guess what?  I'm not pregnant.  So with me, there's NOT a good chance.

I didn't actually expect this round to work.  I just wanted to get a move on.  I'm tired of waiting.  I'm going to be 31 before I'm pregnant for sure now.  I really just wanted to feel like I was moving forward.  And now I'm stuck waiting another STUPID month to try again.  Every day is hard.  How do I last 30 more?  I hate, absolutely hate, HATE, HATE, HATE going through this.

FRUSTRATION

AAAHHHH!!!!  I am SO FRUSTRATED right now.  I had not heard anything from the Fertility Clinic yet.  I expected that IF my surge happened or was happening on Saturday, they would call me and set something up for Monday.  Since I hadn't heard, I thought I must not have surged.  I tried to do some looking online to see what "normal" surge blood levels are, and my reading said over 20 is a surge.  Since I was at 18, I thought it should be okay.

However, this morning I got up super early and went for bloodwork (and now am so tired to boot).  Then, once the clinic opened (not till 9), I called because I was not feeling settled.  After explaining everything, the girl had to go find my chart because it was not pulled (which it SHOULD have been when my blood work came in on Saturday, I would think?) and told me that it sounded like I had already surged.  They say that anything past 15 is probably a surge.  Oh great! 

She also asked me if I had intercourse lots on the weekend.  Aren't you NOT supposed to have too much intercourse right before a fertility treatment?  Since I thought there was a chance that we might be coming in on Monday or Tuesday, we didn't do it because you're supposed to "save up" for 2 days usually.  So no, we did NOT have LOTS of intercourse on the weekend.  She said that she would try to find my blood work (she still didn't have it) and speak to the doctor and call me back.  I'm still waiting to hear back.  I called but she was on the other line and has not returned my call yet. 

I'm so mad.  If we really missed this chance due to their incompetence and stupidity, I will be so angry.  And I'm so frustrated because I don't have any other options but to go with them.  Even if we took the ferry over to Vancouver, it would be a 3 hour trip and much more expensive.  It's not like I have the time off that I can just book a week here or there to plan around my fertility treatments!  I don't actually get ANY time off... or any sick days... so I have to make up whatever I miss. 

And WHY do I keep surging right around the weekends?

And if this was actually my surge on Friday, or Saturday, then why so early?  It was only day 9.  That is way too early, isn't it?  Reading about early LH surge online is not helping either.

I'm just so mad.  I'm taking these stupid drugs that make me feel terrible, and now it was to no avail.  I'm having hot flashes like crazy today.  I'm tired.  And now it is likely that we missed our window... yet again!  WTF?

LH Surge?

I decided to go in for bloodwork today, even thought it's only day 10 (or maybe 9, I started later in the day so not sure if I count that day or not?).  I took an OPK and nothing showed up.  However, my blood results showed that my LH is at 18.6.  I have the luck of being able to view my results online same day.  I'm slightly confused because in December my LH level was at 15.3 and the Dr. said that I was starting to surge.  This, however, is higher than that.  I didn't get a call from the doctor though, so I'm not sure if the results came in too late, or if this is not my surge, or what?  Does anyone have experience with LH blood work?  I didn't have much luck Googling to find how to tell if you're surging based on blood work. 

Also my estriadol levels are very high (like over 2000).  This happened before too and the Dr didn't mention anything.  I just think that is quite high...

Any thoughts?

Getting through

My good week has carried on pretty nice.  I have been meaning to write every day, but never found the time.  Today we even went for a strenuous snowshoe, straight uphill for an hour and a half.  It was beautiful!

There was just one hiccup in the week when DH and I had a big fight.  It wasn't fun, but it led to some openness and communication.  He is feeling pretty stressed about the upcoming IUI.  I really had no idea.  So far, he's been really positive about it and hasn't said much.  Just shows that guys are slightly different than girls.  This whole time, I've been keeping him posted on ALL my thoughts about the whole process.  I do ask him what he thinks about things, but I think he is more cautious to share because he worries about me.  Also it is harder for him to be vulnerable about these things.  He will be fine, but it is helpful for me to be aware that it will be a hard time for him.  Luckily, we have kept busy and been having some fun, so hopefully the week will fly by and soon it will be over with (and hopefully successful so we don't have to go through it again...).

We have been having some fun times.  It was a great idea to take today off since DH has to work a bit tomorrow.  We slept in, had a nice brunch, and went for the snowshoe.  We've been cuddling up in the evenings since the work week has been long.  We are slightly addicted to the show Downton Abbey and that has been a nice distraction.

Other than that, the clomid crazies have not kicked in yet.  I don't know why... I feel sure that the last times I did notice a change by now.  My only thought was that maybe the gluten-free diet is helping?  I haven't been sticking to it religiously, but trying to cut it out where I can.  I've also been alcohol-free and trying to limit my caffeine (some days harder than others).  I'm planning to go in for my bloodwork tomorrow to see if my LH surge is on the way.  It's only day 10, but they will be closed on day 11 and last time I was just starting to surge on day 11.  So, we'll just get things going and see where we are at.

Feeling good

I don't have much to say except that I am feeling pretty good today.  Actually yesterday and today were both pretty good days.  It has been gross, gross weather here, like huge windstorms and tons of rain.  I was so looking forward to my yoga class!  It was a great class.  I love the instructor because she knows so much about the body and she keeps the class focused on what is good for your body.  She doesn't bring in a lot of the spiritual side, which I appreciate.  It really is just a good workout.  Yesterday I just felt really focused and centered during the class.  At the end, I felt so good!  I had wanted to use the steamroom/sauna but then I thought that maybe I should not while we are pursuing treatment.  I know that guys need to keep from overheating their fellows, but is it the same for ladies?

I came home feeling a bit elated, which I have not felt for a while.  DH and I cuddled up and watched some Downton Abby (I'm totally addicted to that show right now, I just love it!).  And today the sun is shinging and I'm still feeling pretty good.  Just waiting for the clomid crazy to kick in... I'll enjoy this feeling while it lasts.

Sharing

Well, I think I am pretty proud of myself.  I say that "I think" because I'm not completely sure how to feel about it yet.  But this weekend I opened the doors a little bit wider and let 3 people in on our struggle.  I feel good about it, but I also feel vulnerable with the exposure.  I'm not sure what I'm afraid of, but it's new territory, I guess.

It started off with sharing with Kris (which again, was just wonderful).  Then, yesterday at church I shared with another lady who I am becoming friends with.  I don't know what was going on, but I could not keep the floodgates closed.  I was so teary.  I hadn't even taken my clomid pills yet, but everything was just getting to me for some reason.  She took note of it and asked me if I'd like to talk.  I said yes but was a bit hesitant, only because I didn't know if DH minded her knowing.  I figured it was fine and told her.  It was just nice because I was able to release all the emotion that I was feeling at that moment.  I really needed that.  And then today, I told my boss!  I figured that I would be calling in sick (hopefully next week!) and just that it would be good for her to know.  She is all about business (in a warm way) and wished me all the best.  While I'm on the roll, I may just tell my close colleague too.  Right now, I'm thinking the more support, the better (especially if it doensn't work...let's not go there yet though).

Day 2 of clomid.  Yuck... I said goodbye to DH and told him that clomid me would soon be taking over, so he should get in some good kisses while I was still around..haha.

UPs and DOWNs

Last night I had a pretty great night.  I went over to meet a new friend (we'll call her Kris) who has struggled with infertility.  I actually heard through a mutual friend about her struggle (I had met her briefly previously) and I contacted her and asked if she'd be open to talk.  It was amazing! 

It was the first time that I had a chance to speak with someone who really gets what I am going through.  Her story was quite similar to mine in a lot of ways.  She was married 9 years ago, trying for the past 6 years.  There was nothing major wrong, but she was not ovulating every cycle and has another condition which proved challenging.  They went through all the testing (they moved around like us too, which puts a hindrance in things), did acupuncture, TCM, HSG.... on and on.  And then they moved to IUI.  Their first one didn't work (they theorize that the doctors are still figuring you out on the first round, and that the 2nd or 3rd rounds have more success).   Their second one resulted in a healthy pregnancy.  She is due in 2 weeks. 

I guess their story brought me back some hope.  I'm still skeptical of getting my hopes up too much but it was really good to meet a true success story.  They said they also know 3 other couples in our area who got pregnant through IUI.  And since we don't have any specific issues getting in the way (and the fact that I seem to ovulate regularly, have high enough progesterone, and regular cycles is good), I think we are a good candidate for IUI. 

I think the best part of talking to her, was that she truly understood the emotions that go along with infertility.  Honestly, I feel like I am crazy sometimes with the vast range of emotions that I feel and experience.  It was really good to normalize what I am going through. 

I hope that we will be able to become friends.  She is super friendly, and I think DH would get along with her husband (he was there for some of our conversation and put in his two cents, which was really cool).  I guess the other thing that was encouraging to hear was how helpful it was for them to tell their story.  They actually ended up sharing their testimony at a church event, and found that people were so supportive.  I would love the opportunity to share our story sometime.  I'm hoping to sit down and write it out, because I really don't know what I would say, or how to say it, or what to focus on.  I think this issue needs to have more awareness.  It seems like churches are especially bad.  Somehow, talking about sex, or the product of sex is still a bit taboo.  I think it's stupid.  Especially with 1 in 6 couples dealing with infertility.  There are probably many more people suffering in silence too.  Once I figure out what to say, I'll probably post it on here for your consideration.  I think that sharing would lead to such a greater sense of freedom for me.  As I've mentioned before, I want to be sensitive to my DH, who is a bit more private than me about these things.  I think for both of us, though, the support would be worth it.

That's all for now.  I've been checking out a documentary that Kris suggested I listen to.  You can find it on YouTube and it's called The Disappearing Male, by CBC.  It is freaky!  I want to get rid of everything in my house and start all over with chemical free everything!  It is good for awareness though.  I always thought people were crazy who completely got rid of plastic food dishes/toys/etc. but I think I will become one of them.  Only wood and PVC-free toys for our baby!  Check it out and let me know your thoughts.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bXdVJPaAauU

I thought I was okay...

Today started as a wonderful day.  I woke up to fresh snow, took the dog for a walk/play at the park, had a nice up of coffee and spent some time cleaning the house.  Then I decided to pay P&J a visit, since DH was working and I didn't have much else to do.  Despite the fact that they now have a baby, J is still my closest friend here, and I was a bit lonely and needed a friend today.  It was a nice visit.  I had some baby snuggles, did some knitting and we had a nice chat.  I got home, though, and my world felt crushed.  I guess just being there this time it felt like everything was perfect.  He is so cute and perfect.  He does not cry too much (yet).  They have the feeding/sleeping thing down pat.  They are co-sleeping (something we have always wanted to do).  Their lives already have a nice rhythm.  I know things will change, and that it will not always be easy, and that they will have times where they want to pull out their hair.  I know all that.  J is also struggling (I think) with her emotions and maybe a bit of post-partum depression due to the c-section.  I just realized that I would do anything to have what they have right now.  Their current life IS my dream life.  It is what I imagined it being like.  And honestly, I AM SO JEALOUS!  Not jealous in a bad way, like I wish them any harm.  I just want what they have so badly.  And today it really hurts.

I came home and tried to make some plans with DH to do something fun and distract myself from the pain.  He is busy working on the sermon for Sunday and may not be free tonight.  And the thing is, I really don't have any other friends to hang out with.  At least none without kids.  Or ones that are more "takers" than givers.  And none that I can just call up on a whim to hang out with.  I feel so lonely today.

DH gave me a big hug, and I shed a few tears.  When, oh when will it be our turn?

I feel like I should be entering this IUI cycle with a bit more hope and optimism than I currently have.  But I'm not.  I feel like we're just going to throw away our money.  If it hasn't worked all this time, the chances are slim that it will now.  Unless maybe there's something that hasn't been found yet, and maybe IUI will bypass that obstacle and provide some unexpected success.  I feel like if it doesn't work on the first try, it probably won't work at all.  We'll cross that bridge when we get there.

Ugh!

AF decided to make an appearance.

DH says, "I hate aunt flo.  She's the worst aunt ever.  She's such a bitch!"  Haha, to which I laughed really hard.  I made DH stop at Dairy Queen last night and we brought home ice cream and sat in front of the fire watching TV all night.  It was nice. 

It's 5am and I am up because I just wasn't comfortable in bed.  But it is snowing.  I love the snow.  I am sipping tea and watching the snow come down through the light from the lampposts outside.  I'm excited to have today off and be at home. 

Disappointment with God

Well AF, you can show up any day now.  I'd like to get this show on the road.

Okay, quick funny story.  So DH is pretty oblivious to the world of girls.  He grew up with only a brother, in a Korean home so many of the common North American experiences were lacking.  I don't even know how the subject came up, but he didn't know what AF stood for, and so I told him.  Ever since then, he thinks it is so funny to ask me if Aunt Flo has come for a visit yet.  Well, the other day we had some people over downstairs and he came up to get something.  When he saw me, he asked (in a pretty loud voice), "Did AF show up yet?"  I quickly hushed him and started laughing while he looked at me blankly.  It turns out, he thought AF was a secret phrase that only him and I knew!  It had me laughing like crazy.  Oh silly boys!  (Shh, don't tell him I told you this... but he used to think that a tupperware party was when a bunch of ladies got together and brought food for a potluck all in tupperware containers.... oh bless his soul!).

Anyways, I've been pretty teary lately.  I just feel emotional.  Tired of waiting ALL THE TIME.  It's not even babies and that stuff that has been making me cry.  Just the run of the mill touching commercial, kiss in a TV show, anyone facing disappointment.  I've been trying to live more for today but of course this is always in the back of my mind.  I think I am feeling just worn out from it all.  Once we can take some action again, I hope I'll pick up again. 

I had a pretty incredible moment the other day.  First of all, I was really happy for how I handled P&J having their baby.  It still is not really hard for me.  He is so darn cute, and I really do want to cuddle him like crazy.  They are still our friends, and that is what was most important for me.  I was thinking about all the women in the Bible who are barren.  It's a pretty big theme throughout the Bible.  I'm actually reading a book called "Disappointment With God" and it is really cool.  It just talks about 3 questions that people in the Church are often scared to ask: Is God unfair, is God silent, and is God hidden?  I'm pretty sure I'm not the first Christian woman to feel like God is being unfair, silent in not answering my petitions, and hidden from showing me understanding for why this is happening.  And as I realized that, I suddenly felt a sense of honour.  This may sound weird, but hear me out.  I do believe God exist.  I do believe He loves me.  I do believe He knows what is going on with me and that it breaks his heart.  I do believe there will be a time when I have a family.  The fact that I am going through this struggle right now only means that He thinks I can handle it.  I guess I do believe that He won't let me go through something I can't handle.  That doesn't mean it won't break me.  But in that breaking, I will be drawn closer to Him.  Closer for comfort.  Closer for peace.  Closer for refuge. 

I've also been finding my dog a great cuddler through the tough times.  She just seems to know what I need.  Here she is resting on my lap.

And here is a picture of P&J's little baby, PJ.  Isn't he a cutie?

What a day brings

I don't even know what to write about, except that I feel like the only thing to do right now is to write.

The visit with P&J and new baby PJ (those are actually his initials!) was fine.  It was fun.  I didn't feel sad.  But let me back up and describe the whole day.  This morning started off really nice.  It was my day off and I was excited to enjoy it.  It was sunny, I drank tea and lazed about and then got to cleaning house (I love to start the weekend with a clean slate).  J was planning to come over for tea and knitting this afternoon but had an appointment scheduled for this morning.  While I was waiting to hear from her, I received the call from P that they were in the hospital and she was being brought in for an "imminent" c-section because they were worried that the baby had an infection and they needed to get it out right away to see what was wrong.  Due to the suddenness of the event, they had no supplies.  J's mom was visiting but she was stuck carless at their house.  So they asked if we could go to their house and pick up the hospital bags for them.  DH came home from work (he has flexible hours and had the car) and we headed over.  We hoped we could see them and DH was planning to stay with P if need be.  While there we ran into a nurse we know from our church who was working in maternity.  She went to check on things and said that we couldn't go in because J was about to go in for surgery.  She took the bags and we had no choice but to go home and wait (there wasn't even a waiting area as far as we could see).  So we came home.

The rest of the afternoon passed uneventful.  I think I was pretty restless and a bit worried so I kept myself busy doing laundry, knitting, etc.  I had a massage scheduled at 3 and decided to walk over.  I kept my phone on just in case we got the call.  No call.  I got home and started dinner then decided to take the dog for a walk.  I was getting really worried by this time.  I don't know how long c-sections take.  DH had spoken to J's mom who said that if the baby did have an infection it would need to be taken to the next city (because we don't have full facilities for babies here) but since J was having surgery she would have to stay behind while P went on his own.  I prayed a lot today.  On my walk I passed by a close friend's house (a lady from our church) and stopped in to ask her to pray.  We prayed together right then and there and as soon as we finished my phone rang.  It was DH and he was calling to tell me that P&J had a 9lb, 5oz HEALTHY baby boy!  There was no sign of infection.  The doctors don't know what they thought they had seen, but nothing was wrong.  It was probably nice that she had a c-section for such a big baby.  He really was a miracle.

Anyways, they invited us to come by after dinner and so we did.  It was really casual (which I so appreciate about them).  We picked up coffee and food and flowers for them because P had been way too nervous to eat earlier.  I held the baby.  I guess the thing with babies is that I never feel a real connection with them.  Even my niece, I just didn't really feel anything special when I met/held her.  I don't really have a thing for babies.  More than that, I just want us to have a family... our family.  It was actually really nice visiting P&J because they still were normal.  I guess it affirmed that they will still be our friends after having a baby.  Sure they will be busy, but they will still be the same P&J that we like so much.

Now we're back at home and I just feel drained and tired.  I don't really know what I am "feeling."  I'm not giddy or happy.  I'm not sad.  I'm not even wistful.  I didn't cry today.  I didn't really feel any feelings of jealousy when I saw them (especially when they changed the gross diaper).  I came home and immediately felt like I needed to "do" something... to keep my hands busy.  I couldn't sit and just lose myself in TV.  I had to be active.  I put dishes away and did more knitting before I decided to try to get my thoughts out here.

I guess I keep thinking about the day that P&J sat in our living room and told us they were expecting.  That day is so vivid in my mind.  We were really happy for them.  And sad for us.  But this whole time has passed.  They have moved on.  We are in the same place.  I'm tired of being here.  I want to move on.

I did chat briefly with a new friend I made here who is due with a successful IVF baby in February.  I barely know here, but we are going to get together soon.  She said that her story is very similar to ours and she knows how hard it will be.  It will be SO nice to actually talk to someone who understands.  I guess I haven't really had that yet.

So, that is where today leaves me.

Quick prayer

Hey friends,

I was just wondering if you could send up a quick prayer for my friends P&J.  They just had an ultrasound to check on their baby (that was due on Tuesday) and the baby has an infection.  They're not sure what sort of infection, or how serious it is so they are performing a c-section right away.  I'm sure everything is fine, I just know that would be a stressful turn of events.  So any prayers sent their way are appreciated.

Thanks.  I really am excited to meet this little bundle of joy!

***UPDATE***
Well, they did the c-section and the baby came out perfectly healthy!  No sign of infection.  The doctors aren't sure what they saw.  So, P&J have a 9-lb, 5oz baby boy.  We are stopping by the hospital quick tonight to say hello. 

End of week.

Blah!  It's the end of my work week at my one job and I am done like dinner.  This week was just really exhausting.  It probably has to do with the fact that DH has been really sick (like fever over 100) since Monday and I have been doing EVERYTHING (morning walk with dog, working, evening walk with dog, making dinner, doing dishes, etc.).  It's not actually been so bad and today we took the dog to puppy care so I wouldn't have to take her, but still I am tired.

I had a week of questioning myself about my job too.  Not that I can't do it, but I wondered if what I was doing was actually helping my clients.  All in all, I am tired today.  Luckily my "week" is pretty much over.  Tomorrow afternoon I am attending a group that I am going to help lead but otherwise, I am free.  I'm pretty lucky to work a short week.  I think my job is pretty emotionally draining and I don't think I could do it more than 4 days right now.

Otherwise, I am just waiting, waiting, waiting for AF to show up so that we can carry on with things.  I still am a week away but I hoped she would come early and get on with it.  J is still waiting for her baby.  Another girl I know is in the hospital right now and they think she is going into labour, but she is only 30 weeks.  All around me people are getting pregnant and being parents, even those who shouldn't...  I just don't get it sometimes.  Why not us?  What do we have to do to prove ourselves?  Why God?  Why?

I know I'm just tired and will feel better tomorrow.

Hi!

Hi!  I haven't posted for a few days because I really have nothing to say. :)

I found over this past week I have found that I have not had to rely so much on blogging and reading blogs in order to feel better.  Things are just feeling lighter.  I guess I was finding that sometimes entering into the blog world actually made me feel worse because I focused more on the problem.  But right now I am feeling good and able to catch up on some reading and still feel good about it. 

I'm just waiting for this cycle to finish so that we can start our first IUI cycle.  I'm 4 days into the gluten-free challenge and doing alright.  Last night I was super hungry and made popcorn as a snack.  Otherwise, I don't notice much different except that it's a lot of work not to grab convenient pre-made snacks.  I'm making everything from scratch and that takes a lot of time.  Dinners are pretty easy, and I am doing okay for breakfasts with brown rice porridge or eggs with kale.  It is lunches that are super hard.  I made a nice sweet potato/black bean stew, but it only kept for a few days.  Now it's almost mid-week and I'm back to square one.  Oh well.  I don't feel any different yet, but I know it will take a while for my body to adjust.  I don't even know if I will feel anything or not.  I've started going to the gym regularly (trying for 3x/week, so far twice this week), as well as a daily walk with the dog.  Ooh, and today I signed up for a power yoga class.  I did it last year and the instructor was just fabulous.  Plus, it's at the aquatic center and at the end of the class you can use the pool/sauna/hottub for free.  You leave just feeling cleansed, drained, and wonderful!  I'm pretty excited (it starts tonight), though I wish I had a friend to do it with me.  Last year J did it with me, but right now she is waiting for the imminent arrival of her baby (today is the due date).  I am feeling like I don't have any/many friends to just get up and go do something with.  I rely only on DH and he is busy, stressed and currently sick.  With P&J about to have their baby, I'm at a serious lack of people to hang out with!

Feeling fresh

So when I went outside today I noticed something funny in the garden...

Daffodil bulbs were poking up out from the ground!  Didn't it just turn January?!?  It is true that here on the west coast we have had a warm winter.  But still! 

I have had a really nice day at home.  I cleaned the kitchen (including organizing the cupboards and drawers) and all the floors.  I moved our computer area around in the living room.  I feel fresh.  I want to add some new decorations, some colour to our living area.  I like feeling inspiration again.  I had lunch and I'm sipping on an americano listening to vinyl.  It is a nice day.  I'm going for a walk with a friend later and then tonight we're double-dating for dinner with our friends P&J.  It may be the last chance they can get out with us, as her baby is due on Tuesday! 

Oh, and I received a special parcel in the mail today!  I was a winner for one of the spots on the Creme de la Creme list and as a prize Jen over at Here We Go Again sent me 2 pairs of baby legs she made.  They are so cute.  One is a newborn size and is just grey.  The other one is an all-size and is blue with greeny/yellow flower stems going up the legs.  So great!  Thanks so much Jen!  I was going to give these to my friend J but decided I'll hold onto them as a symbol of hope that one day I'll be able to use them myself.  I just love the look of babies with baggy britches and chubby little baby legs!

Hope arises

I'm feeling very hopeful today.  I'm not sure why.  As I walked the dog before sunrise, and drove to work I was filled with a sense of peace and calm.  I felt happy again.  I even felt optimistic about having a baby... or enjoying life even if we don't have a baby right away.  I know we'll have a family some day.  For now, I want to be able to enjoy life as it is.  And today I did.

I don't expect that this will last, and I know I'll have "down" moments, but today I treasured this feeling.

Things at work are going really well.  As a counsellor in a small town, it can be hard to get "in" to the industry.  Somehow, through divine intervention (that's all I can figure out), I am having amazing opportunities.  Did I mention that I was hired to work one partial day a week at the place where I completed my practicum?  This will open up the door for me to do my own private counselling through an already existing agency.  It is incredible!  My colleague seems to think that the girl I'm covering maternity leave for won't come back either, so my current job might carry on.  And I am really loving it.  Sure, I feel overwhelmed and unprepared sometimes, but I think I'm doing an okay job for starting out.  It's really hard to measure.  But even yesterday I had a teenage client come in, who was suicidal when I first met her, and share her plans to go to college and get a degree and she was all filled with hope.  It was incredible.

I don't want to be too superstitious or anything like that... but when I was back in college I thought I never wanted to get married and I thought I didn't want to have kids.  I believed that there were so many hurting, lonely people in the world and I wanted to "parent" them.  I actually dreamed about working with girls who had been sexually exploited and showing them love and acceptance.  While my dream didn't pan out exactly how I thought it would.... I am now working with girls who have been sexually assaulted and abused and hurt.

When I decided I wanted kids, I always wanted to have little boys.  There's something about little boys that I just love, especially the pre-teen age.  I don't know what it is, but I love the little boy mind.  Recently I watched Peter Pan and my heart was warmed by the little lost boys in Neverneverland.  In the past month, my client load has shifted and I am seeing SO MANY young pre-teen boys.  Sure, they have issues... but they are mine to care for, to help, to build relationship with.  This "dream" has come true in its own way.

I don't know what this all means... and maybe it's just my own rambling, but somehow it brings me hope.  As much as I really want a baby, I'm not a "kid" person.  I'm never the one playing with the kids at get-togethers, I don't just take people's babies to hold, I don't know how to interact with kids in most settings.  Sometimes the thought of having a little person around freaks me out!  A baby seems easy because you just have to take care of its needs, but once it can talk and play, I have no idea what I'd do!  However, we want a family.  It may not look the way I wish it would... but I feel hopeful that it will happen.

Ain't that cute?

Okay, I just had to share a cute story.  This evening my husband and I were having a "discussion" about our finances.  Actually, since we came home from work there was a bit of tension in the air (long story, he wanted to buy another pair of boots - he has like 5 - that were on sale for $160... we are in debt payment mode and I said he didn't need them).  The tension was not loud, but we were just being very civil to one another and not wasting words.  So, after dinner we go to the living room to "talk."  It wasn't even a loud/shouting kind of fight.  As we started at it, I saw our dog go to our bedroom.  Normally at night she now creeps in there and jumps on the bed when we're not looking, so I assumed she had done so.  Anyways, back to our conversation, we really didn't fight but it was obvious that neither of us was happy with the other.  Finally we resolve things (for now) and leave the living room.  DH goes to the bedroom to get something, comes out and then asks where Kaya is.  I said I thought she was on the bed.  We go to the bedroom and see this little head peeking out from under the bed, with an expression that clearly says, "Is it safe to come out now????"  She is SOOOOO sensitive!  She came out with her head down and tail tucked between her legs and we had to literally pour affection out to her before she was back to her normal self.  It was the cutest thing I have ever seen!!!  She didn't want us to fight.  How do dogs know?  We had a previous dog who, as a puppy, came and stood between DH and me one time when had raised his voice at me.  He basically was telling DH that he was going to defend me at all costs.  Sometimes I just love animals!

By the way, is it just me or have so many bloggers achieved newly pregnant status lately?  Almost every blog I turn to is BFP all of a sudden.  And, surprisingly, they all leave me so hopeful!  If they can do it, so can we!  I was a magazine cover while buying groceries today and the caption read, "This is Your Year."  I know it's so cliche, and I don't believe in signs like that, but I don't care.  Right now, I'll take it!

Blech!

I've been home sick with the flu for the past two days.  It sucks because I was really looking forward to getting into the swing of things...work, exercise, healthy eating.  Now I've been on the couch for two days eating crackers and gingerale.  Is a body capable of making a baby while it's fighting off an infection?  Hypothetically speaking that is...

I'm really thinking I want to try a 30-day gluten free diet.  I just feel like I don't feel well quite often, and it is usually my stomach that is out of sorts.  I think it's worth a shot.  Also, there seems to be a little bit of a link between gluten intolerance and infertility.  It's hard to find a ton of information about it and I'm not even sure it would apply to me but at this point, I'll try anything!  I'm going to do some research and hopefully by the time I'm feeling better I can get started.

Anyways, I'm curious as to how many bloggers are from Canada.  I don't usually think about where other bloggers are from, but I'm curious if there are others in my part of the world around.  Mainly because I'm curious about the treatments that others are going through and how my experience compares to theirs.  That's about it. 

I hope I can be back at work tomorrow.  I think I'll just get depressed otherwise :)

The Year for US!

Happy New Year!  I have been meaning to post for the last day and a half, but I really don't feel like I have much to say (now watch as I ramble on and on...).  Our New Year's celebration was pretty low key.  We had a few friends over and one couple that stayed till midnight (as we were falling asleep on the couches by the fire with a movie on).  I was not so excited about the changing of the year.  On one hand, I am glad 2011 is over with.  I can't pinpoint exactly why, but 2011 may have been the hardest year for me in my life so far.  The year itself had a lot of fun moments as we really got settled in our new home and community.  But the struggle with IF really took its toll.  I think I really expected this to be the year we would have a child.  We came into the year with all the preliminary work and tests being done.  We met with our first RE and went to our first fertility clinic.  We even had our first IUI scheduled.  I turned 30.  I really, really, really hoped that by the end of this year I would at least be pregnant.  This is the first year that the passing of the year was significant in that way for me.  Other years have passed and my thought has been, "Oh well, it will happen next year..."  With all the effort and work we put in this year, it was hard to watch the year slip by while we were, ultimately, in the same place we started.  We went through some very low times and I think IF took its biggest toll on our marriage this year.  Still, we came out together and ended on a high note together. 

I hope 2012 is the year for us.  I know that everyone struggling with IF says that.  I am encouraged through reading blogs because most of the people that I follow have eventually found a way to have a child, specifically those with unexplained infertility like us.  If we had a known condition and it was very rare that we would ever conceive, I would have pursued adoption already by this point.  But the hope is still there.  People with IF get pregnant ALL THE TIME.  Sure, it may have to be assisted, but that's okay with me (well it's not really okay, but I'll make it be okay).

We are on our way to a healthier, happier year and for that I am glad.  DH actually preached about waiting on God's timing yesterday.  I cringe slightly when people say that because the people who usually say that are those who haven't had to significantly "wait" for something.  They say it in this spiritual voice, but they really have no idea what it means to actually wait for something.  I don't get God's timing.  I don't know why some people have babies so easily and others don't.  This is the part of God that I really don't get.  I do want to trust.  Sometimes it just seems so silly.

Anyways, to those of you who follow as IF friends, I wish you the very best 2012 and the fulfillment of all your heart's dreams.  I am excited for one of my first friends SLESE over at Mommyhood After Fertility Frustration with the birth of her miracle baby.  And to those of us who wait... let us wait with dignity and grace and may this be the year for us!

P.S. I was featured on the Creme de la Creme list of blogs over at Stirrup Queens blog.  Check it out here.