Being a mom

I don't know who reads this blog much anymore.  If there is anyone reading who is still in the TTC trenches.  If there is, this may be a post you want to skip... maybe. :)

Giving birth to children and becoming a mother are life changing events... there is no doubt about it. As I have written about before, for me, the transition was not seamless, despite the incredible love I have for my children.  I struggled (and still do) to make sense of my new identity, to reconcile the hurt and pain from years in the trenches, and to adapt to my new role.  And now, nearly a year in, I find that role changing once again.

My boys are no longer completely dependent little babies.  Yes, they still are little.  They still are babies.  And they still depend on me.  But now entirely like they did when they were one month old. They are branching out in their little world, discovering what it means to be apart from "mom" for a period of time, and learning things like how to move, to communicate, and to eat on their own.  This transformation is truly incredible.

As I wrote about in this post, I, too, am branching out, back to the life that was put on hold when these little beings entered my life.  And just as they face separation anxiety being away from me, so I face anxiety being away from them and trying to find my way in a land that is familiar and yet so different.

So much changes in one year with children.

I am not the same counsellor who left my job a year ago.

I am not the same friend I was before I had children.

I am not the same wife who lived childless with my husband for 8 years before these boys entered our lives.

I think it is only natural to feel anxious.

I haven't yet figured out how to really enjoy life "on my own" again.  My best (and hardest) moments are when I am with my children.

I. Love. Being. Their. Mom. SOOOOO. Much.

It's all I really want to do right now.

I anticipate the milestone next month with a bit of trepidation.  In some ways, I want things to stay exactly as they are right now forever.  I know that can't be.

But I just want to hold on a little longer.  I'm not quite ready to move ahead just yet.

Hope arises

I'm feeling very hopeful today.  I'm not sure why.  As I walked the dog before sunrise, and drove to work I was filled with a sense of peace and calm.  I felt happy again.  I even felt optimistic about having a baby... or enjoying life even if we don't have a baby right away.  I know we'll have a family some day.  For now, I want to be able to enjoy life as it is.  And today I did.

I don't expect that this will last, and I know I'll have "down" moments, but today I treasured this feeling.

Things at work are going really well.  As a counsellor in a small town, it can be hard to get "in" to the industry.  Somehow, through divine intervention (that's all I can figure out), I am having amazing opportunities.  Did I mention that I was hired to work one partial day a week at the place where I completed my practicum?  This will open up the door for me to do my own private counselling through an already existing agency.  It is incredible!  My colleague seems to think that the girl I'm covering maternity leave for won't come back either, so my current job might carry on.  And I am really loving it.  Sure, I feel overwhelmed and unprepared sometimes, but I think I'm doing an okay job for starting out.  It's really hard to measure.  But even yesterday I had a teenage client come in, who was suicidal when I first met her, and share her plans to go to college and get a degree and she was all filled with hope.  It was incredible.

I don't want to be too superstitious or anything like that... but when I was back in college I thought I never wanted to get married and I thought I didn't want to have kids.  I believed that there were so many hurting, lonely people in the world and I wanted to "parent" them.  I actually dreamed about working with girls who had been sexually exploited and showing them love and acceptance.  While my dream didn't pan out exactly how I thought it would.... I am now working with girls who have been sexually assaulted and abused and hurt.

When I decided I wanted kids, I always wanted to have little boys.  There's something about little boys that I just love, especially the pre-teen age.  I don't know what it is, but I love the little boy mind.  Recently I watched Peter Pan and my heart was warmed by the little lost boys in Neverneverland.  In the past month, my client load has shifted and I am seeing SO MANY young pre-teen boys.  Sure, they have issues... but they are mine to care for, to help, to build relationship with.  This "dream" has come true in its own way.

I don't know what this all means... and maybe it's just my own rambling, but somehow it brings me hope.  As much as I really want a baby, I'm not a "kid" person.  I'm never the one playing with the kids at get-togethers, I don't just take people's babies to hold, I don't know how to interact with kids in most settings.  Sometimes the thought of having a little person around freaks me out!  A baby seems easy because you just have to take care of its needs, but once it can talk and play, I have no idea what I'd do!  However, we want a family.  It may not look the way I wish it would... but I feel hopeful that it will happen.