Ringing in the New Year

Well, I never liked setting New Year's resolutions and normally I scoff at those who do.  To me, it just seems cheesy.  I set goals all the time but to make a big deal of it just seems silly to me.  However, this year DH and I really want to be intentional about losing weight.  As much as I have been "trying" to stay healthy, I have extra poundage that I don't want to be there.  And for him, it's more of a health thing.  He is not at optimal weight and is at risk for developing diabetes, so the safer, the better.  Also, my secret reason for losing weight is a bit of vanity.  All the cool ones these days are super skinny.  I don't want to be one of them... but all the cool fashion looks way better on those who are not slightly overweight.  Is it terrible that I want to dress more hip but need to lose some weight to do so???

So, I figure what I need is a bit of accountability to keep me going.  I am pretty self-motivated, but I am going to be trying some things that are not in my normal repertoire of self-health and I may need a bit of a kick in the pants.  I'd love to find a free online community where I can do check-ins, but one that is not too time consuming.  I looked into Weight Watchers, but I just don't want to pay the money to do something I'm sure I can do for free.  If I could find an App for my iPhone too, that would probably be helpful.

This is what my plan is:
- I'm going to start going to the gym again, trying for at least 3x/week.  I have been doing workouts at home that are great and I'll continue those on days I can't make it to the gym.  I will focus on doing more interval training to kick my body into gear first.  The weights really do help to firm me up but I also need to trim down, so that is how I will focus my cardio.  I will start with weights, with some high intensity short spurts of cardio and then finish with cardio too.
- I will also take a brisk walk each day.  This works well because I have the dog and end up walking her almost every day anyways. 
- I will cut down my portions for meals.  This is always hard for me because I love food, but I will really try to eat a smaller amount.
- I will limit my sugar intake.  I think this is key for me!  I am going to try a partial sugar cleanse in January and try not to eat any sweets, cookies, cakes, etc. for the whole month.  I will let myself have some sugar in tea/coffee and maybe a bit of dark chocolate now and then.  I am not going crazy with the sugar cleanse, in that I will completely avoid any packaged food that has sugar in it (granola bars, cereal) but I will try to be intentional about avoiding it where I can.
- I will limit my coffee/tea consumption.  I have been trying to do have only 2 caffeinated drinks per day, but with the holidays that has not been the case.  I am trying to switch more to green tea and only have one coffee a day (and maybe a cup of black tea too).  I think that if I am getting enough rest, I should be able to manage.  I mainly just drink when I am tired and lately I feel tired all the time.  That is something I hope to improve too. 
- I have wondered about cutting out gluten from my diet.  I know a lot of people who are doing this and finding great health benefits.  I have been tested for Celiac's but it came up negative.  Later I heard that if you haven't been eating much wheat before the test it may not pick it up.  I wonder about auto-immune things with the way my white blood cell count is so low but it hasn't been a big enough problem to be tested for anything.  I may try to experiment with cutting down gluten and maybe even try a short stint of gluten-free to see if it makes a difference.  That depends on how busy I am. 

So, there you have it.  My plan for health for 2012.  If you have any tips/suggestions, feel free to pass them on!

Happy Anniversary!

Today is our 6th year wedding anniversary!  It is a gorgeous, sunny day and we have no obligations.  DH is currently making me breakfast (and he rushed out this morning while I was walking the dog to buy me some pretty red and white tulips).  What a sweetie!  We are hoping to go out snowshoeing later this afternoon (night snowshoeing).  We don't have much money right now, so nothing fancy, but just spending the day together.  It should be nice.

Little holiday

Just got back from our mini-holiday away to one of my absolute favorite cities... Vancouver.  It rained a lot (as you can see from the photo below) but we had a good time.  It felt a bit weird because we were playing tour guides to our student and his sister and they mainly talked to each other in Cantonese.  So we were somewhat alone in our conversations but yet we were not actually alone... 

We saw some sights, ate some good food (too much) and drank great coffee. 

It was a quick overnight trip, but pretty enjoyable.  It was nice to be in a big city and not feel so out of place being the only 30-year old, married-without-kids couple.  Surprisingly, I'm even feeling social tonight and we're going out to visit with our friends P & J.  I'll catch up on my comments from ICLW tomorrow! 

Merry worst Christmas ever...

I planned to write a Merry Christmas post yesterday... but the day did not pan out how I hoped and I didn't want to write a super negative post on Christmas.   Now that I've had a day to think about it, things have settled a bit and hopefully I can find something meaningful from what happened. 

Christmas day started off really nice.  I woke up early and made some tea and sat by the Christmas tree, then cuddled up and went back to sleep again.  DH made a delicious breakfast of eggs benedict and drank the coffee with the beans our friend had roasted for us.  We opened up presents.  The day was going great. 

Things turned right around 12:00.  All I wanted to do on Christmas day was to start a fire, and cuddle up with DH watching movies and knitting.  We have an exchange student living with us and his sister is also visiting for Christmas.  Now having them around is not bad... but we are never quite alone.  Our student does not leave the house lots and so when our house s empty, we revel in it.  The plan for Christmas is that a group of them were going to go up to the mountain skiing.  We were ecstatic.  We have been so busy with people and we really just needed some time to ourselves.  Well, it turned out that the skiing trip was CANCELED and nobody bothered to tell our student.  So, DH went to drop them off at the meet-up spot and nobody was there and they had to come back. 

This was too much for me.  I went up to our bedroom and had the biggest meltdown of my life.  I sobbed for almost an hour (or so it felt).  I had already been feeling sick with a stomach flu, and this ruined everything I was hoping for.  I admit, it was overdramatic... but I just really needed this day.  DH tried real hard to cheer me up and "fix" the situation (which I felt could not be fixed).  He suggested that we go up the mountain with them, but I was feeling really sick.  He suggested that he take them while I rested, but I did not want to be alone.  There was nothing that would make me happy.  Well, to sum it up the rest of the afternoon was spent in bed... I slept, we fought, he slept, we fought...  the afternoon wasted away.  The thing is, I am not a fighter.  We never used to fight like this.  It seems that IF has taken its toll on our marriage and is trying its hardest to draw us apart.  Neither of us want that. 

So, amidst all the drama and tension and yuck on Christmas day... we came to some conclusions.  I hope we can learn from this and move on.  I hope this is the start of a new time in our lives.  I'm still processing a lot as I write, so I apologize for the wordiness of this post.  I just never want to experience a day like yesterday EVER again...  I did not know it was possible to have fights that dirty and ugly.  The topic of divorce even crossed our lips... not that either of us want that, we just decided that if things were going to continue the way they had been, we couldn't take it. 

Anyways, here is what I came away with:

- As much as I try to make sure DH is first in my life, he sometimes feels like I care more about having a baby than about his feelings about things.  I can understand this.  In my zeal to get things done, I can trample over feelings, but I always get things accomplished.  I will try to be aware of his feelings at all times.
- DH has been under a lot of stress lately.  He carries other people's burdens and does not know how to handle all the stress sometimes.  The biggest thing I can do to help is to support him... not try to fix things, not try to take off the burden in other areas... just support him.  Care for him, cook for him, clean for him... this is how he knows I love him.
- We need to enjoy our lives more.  I know that sounds silly, but if you've been following me at all, you will see that I have not been happy in the last little while.  And this just kills DH.  His biggest goal in life (okay maybe that's an exaggeration, but close) is to make me happy.  And when I'm not happy... even when it's not his fault... he feels the burden and tries to do whatever he can to make me happy.  When I don't get happy, he gets angry and feels like a failure.  I know it's a bit messed up... but it is something that will take him a while to work on.  In the meantime, I can try to enjoy life a bit more and this will ease his stress and make him happy too. 
- Closely tied to that, I need to find some other areas of support and not count solely on DH to support me.  He is wonderful.  But I think he is struggling with things more than he even realizes and when I burst into tears every time I see a baby or pregnant lady, it just makes him feel more helpless.  There are so many other areas in our life that are good right now.  We have lots going on for us.  We have a house, good jobs, friends and family, the desire to travel, a cute little puppy... we CAN be happy without a baby around.  I know this in my head, but not always my heart.  I want to be happy.  I don't know if it is different for girls and if we have this nurturing instinct that needs to be filled... (DH says I should just nurture the heck out of him!) but I want to be content either way.  It's hard because we live in a small town where people get married when they are 20 and have at least 3 kids by the time they are 25.  There is literally nobody our age who is married without kids.  Nobody.  If we lived in a bigger city this might be easier.  So I don't know how to do this, but I will try.  We will try to find joy in the places we can and not compare our lives to others around us. 
- We still plan to go ahead with IUI if the timing works.  This will not be a "must" in our lives, but we will try to make it work.  This month it does not work with the timing around New Year's, but we'll try for February.  If it doesn't look like we will have a kid by next Christmas, I would like to pursue adoption.  This is the first time that has been a real consideration for me.  I'm not sure how DH feels but I'll give him time to process that.  Also, next Christmas I really want to save up for a trip away.  It is too hard to celebrate Christmas at home without a "family" around. 
- I need to work on being okay when things don't go my way.  This is such a hard one for me...  I have struggled with it as long as I remember.  My plan A is always the most efficient, effective, and I usually take everyone into consideration.  When that doesn't work, plan B is never good enough for me.  And I sulk.  I do this without even realizing it.  I need to get better at it, but I have no idea how.  DH is so flexible and willing to adapt... so much so that I end up taking control without even realizing it.  But I don't want it to be this way.  Oh Lord, help me!
- We need to have faith again.  Both of us are going through a faith crisis and wondering if what we believe is really true.  But we need this faith in order to have hope.  I don't know how to resolve this.  I even prayed yesterday that God would show us a sign... show up in a dream like he did with Mary and Joesph, send something to clearly show us that He is there. 

Well... whew!  That is a lot and such a heavy post for Christmas.  I would be surprised if anyone read this far along.  But thank you for letting me express where I am at.  This is really helpful. 

We are heading to Vancouver for the next few days so I won't be around too much to post.  I'm hoping for a good time just to refresh and get out of the small town and get some perspective. 

With all that said, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!  I hope your Christmas was much more uneventful than mine.  :)

A little lonely

I'm feeling a little lonely today now that our friends are gone.  It's nice to be on holidays.  This morning I slept in, went for a run, and did a few chores - all at such a leisurely pace.  It's noon and all I have to do is put a roast in the oven in a little while and put on some rice.  That feels very nice.  But in the quietness, I realize how alone I am feeling.  Not just people alone.  We have some people around us.  We were invited for Christmas dinner tomorrow night and declined.  I think I feel alone because Christmas, to me, is all about family.  At Christmas time, people gather.  There are lots of get-togethers and meals and activities in groups.  It does not involve a single person slaving away in the kitchen alone, but all the family gathered and each pitching in.  Decisions are all joint and there are bound to be disagreements, but that is what family is all about. 

This year I feel the lack of family so strongly.  All of my immediate family is out of the country.  DH's family can't get away for Christmas, and so we are alone.  The sting of infertility is doubled as I imagine what it would be like to have our own child this Christmas.  The sharing of traditions, the joy in watching a child's excitement, even the entertainment of having a baby around...  all of that is void.  And so I try to muster up the appreciation and even some joy for Christmas, but it all falls short. 

Oh Lord, let this be the last year we are alone for Christmas...

Holiday Fun

Today we went for a snowshoe with our pup.  Her little booties didn't last on her feet for long, but she absolutely LOVED the snow!  I had a great time too, even though we didn't go for long.  The past few days have been really nice.  I actually have felt like getting out and doing things again.  Yesterday we had Christmas dinner with our friends who were visiting.  It was wonderful!  I think the turkey was the best I had ever made (I brined it in apple cider overnight).  We ate, and ate, and drank, and ate some more.  We did a little gift exchange (see below) and then watched a movie and snacked some more.  It was a perfect "Christmas" day.  It was really nice to have a friend around who I didn't have to "be" a certain way.  She knows me.  She knows what we are going through, and she handles it perfectly!  She ask how we're doing and all, but doesn't press for information or try to offer silly suggestions.  It was so nice not to have to worry about filtering what I say.  I feel now like we have had a good Christmas just because of this visit.

In other news, I called the fertility clinic today to see when they are open around New Years, because now it just so happens that that will be likely when I am ovulating.  I had not picked up clomid for this month yet but was worried when I saw that I was going to ovulate on a weekend again.  Well, it turns out that they are closed from now until January 3rd!  No warning or nothing for me.  So, I guess we won't be doing IUI this month around.  Yes, I'm disappointed, but in a way this is a nice break from the pressure of everything.  I'm glad to take a break from clomid for this month.  I'm glad to enjoy our wedding anniversary (Dec. 30th) without the pressure of trying to schedule in a procedure right around the time.  I really hope to be able to relax and enjoy this Christmas holidays.  Looks like I'm off to a good start!

About me

For those of you blog-hopping around this week, I was inspired by M at http://alwayswishhopethinkpray.blogspot.com to list 5 random facts about me.
1. I just received my diploma in the mail for graduating with my MA in Counselling Psychology.  Hooray!  The paper makes it so official.
2. I'm kind of a huge homebody.  I love being at home.  I love doing things for my home.  I'm still new to "crafting" but I enjoy knitting, some sewing, baking, canning, and just living in a pretty space.  Maybe I'll show you around my home sometime...
3. I live on Vancouver Island in B.C., Canada.  Honestly, I have traveled the world (okay some of it), and the beauty found here is incomparable.  Seriously, if you have not made it to B.C., you NEED to come!
4. I love outdoor activities.  I'm not a huge extreme sports person, but I like snowshoeing, cross country skiing, canoeing, hiking, biking (only leisurely), etc.  I take a walk at least once a day and that is my time to refresh. 
5. Currently, I am the only member of my family in Canada, though we are all from here.  My parents are in California and getting ready to go to Israel, my little sister lives in Australia, and my little brother (and wife and niece) in Montana.  It's nice to be home for Christmas (our first Christmas in our first home), but sad to have everyone spread so far.  A little lonely here this year.

Well, that's me.  I'd love to get to know you, so feel free to leave some random facts about you.

Tears and Hope

Wow, I just came across an incredible video about infertility.  It sums up everything that I feel and so eloquently describes our journey and the parts that are shared by all who share this struggle.  Enjoy!

http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

Welcome ICLWers

Welcome to the ICLWers who are checking out my blog!  Today marks the first day of the December ICLW (International Comment Leaving Week).  I'm excited to check out some new blogs and hopefully make some new friends in the process :)

For those of you here for the first time, I am Slynn, and my husband and I have been facing unexplained infertility for the past 5 years.  I use this blog mainly to vent, but also to share a bit of who I am and what makes me tick.  Feel free to browse around (not all of the blog is as gloomy as some of the recent posts) and hope you can find something here that resonates with you.  Happy blogging!

The Cycle of Despair

Being a counsellor myself, I tend to analyze what I am going through, possibly more than other people.  I like to be able to put my experiences into little boxes with labels so that I can feel better knowing that I’m not alone in my struggles.  And so, as I was thinking about things last night, I realized that there is a cycle of despair attached to infertility.  It’s similar to the cycles of abuse, or addiction that you might see in the psychological world.  At least this is how it is with me.  I would guess that I am not alone in this cycle and maybe others can find comfort in being a bit more self-aware and realizing what they are going through.

See, every month the cycle starts afresh.  After AF shows up there is a period of mourning, an utter despair and hopelessness.  For myself, there are teary outflows at the strangest times (like on my way into work this morning as I started thinking about my DH’s relatives and what they are doing for Christmas) and grumpy statements (usually to those closest to me).  This may last from a day to a week.  During this time, something switches.  I realize that either I can stay in this despondent state, not enjoying anything really… or I can pick up the reigns and make the decision to try again.  So, I muster up some more hope (though each time it gets harder to do) and start thinking positively – “maybe this month will be THE ONE.”  Staying positive is essential to enjoy the baby dancing routine and any other aspects that go along with “trying” (being pricked with acupuncture needles each week, raging hormones from drugs, sore butts from constant shots, doctors appointment, RE appointments, ND appointments, massage appointment…etc. etc. etc.).  After the fertile window is closed, a new phase of the cycle begins: the stress period (otherwise known as the TWW)!  This is a period of high anxiety, analyzing every tiny twinge/smell/colour/pimple/emotion in the hopes that the tiniest symptom might be remembered and entered on a list of “first symptoms of BFPs” somewhere online.  As this period goes on, anxiety may become higher and higher as hope increases.  There may even be plans that are made or dreamed about (if I did become pregnant this week, I could keep it a surprise and give my DH an extra special gift on Christmas day!!!).  Or, the cycle may start to wind down and head back to despair.  Spotting, unexplained emotional breakdowns, sore back muscles, bloated tummy may only bring a huge wave of disappointment in knowing that AF is on her way.  And when she comes, we’re back to square one and the cycle begins all over again…  And that is the cycle of despair of infertility.

Personally, I think the hardest part is the waiting, once I finally realize that no, I am not pregnant, and these are truly just signs of AF coming to town.  Yes, there sometimes is a tiny ray of hope… what if I AM wrong?  But underneath that hope, I usually know and recognize that I am just trying to trick myself, trying desperately to stop the forces that are already at work within my body bringing on AF.  By the time she does arrive, I am in that place of despair.  I hardly even have any emotion to express… what is the point?  I know it’s just a matter of trying to decide how quickly I want to bounce back up to hope again.  Because I know I will.  It’s my only option.  And so it becomes a matter of timing.  How long do I want to remain down and despondent?  Because once I make the choice to pick up hope, the cycle begins all over again.  This, really, is my only choice in the cycle.  This is the only place where the power and control lies.  The rest is up to nature, up to God, up to the forces of the universe.  And so this crucial point becomes the most disappointing point too.  When the only choice you have is how long to remain miserable, life can become pretty depressing.  But it helps me to recognize this whole cycle and how it affects me personally – to cut myself some slack for how I am feeling at times and know that better times are coming.     

The avoidance post...

I have been avoiding posting this week.  I'm not even quite sure why. 

Maybe it's because I didn't want to trump my happy Christmas post with a downer post of me whining about something or other.  Maybe it's because we have been truly busy getting things in order for the week ahead.  But really, I think it's because I was hoping... hoping... that I might have good, no make that great, news in my next post and I was pondering what I would say if it were true...

But it's not.  At least I don't think it is.  I tested the other day and got a BFN.  It was pretty early though, so I held onto hope.  False negatives are much more common than false positives, right?  Today I am "late" for my normal cycle, but then again clomid messes things up all the time.  I have had a high temperature for 16 days, though it dropped very slightly today (I also had a terrible sleep).  Does that mean my luteal phase is too long?  But then today I started spotting.  Blech!!!!  I mean there's always the hope that I could be one of those lucky ones who actually has implantation bleeding and maybe that is what it really is...  but I've hoped that too many times and it has not happened yet.  And so, I wait.  Expecting AF to show up, not tomorrow, but the next day.  This is the worst part.  Knowing it's coming and desperately wishing you could stop it.  Desperately wishing the hormones hadn't already been triggered inside your body and that, instead, a new life was taking form.  *Le sigh*  And so we start all over again. 

I'm not even sure why I am posting.  This IS a downer post.  I guess I really just want to share what I am feeling when I am feeling it.  Hope that's okay.

The Reason for the Season

Christmas has always been my favorite time of the year.  To me, there is so much wrapped up in the entire season.  There is a sense of anticipation, the nostalgia of childhood, much joy and a tender togetherness that you just don't see at other times in the year.  I thought I would share some of the things that make Christmas so special for me.




For me, the season usually starts with the baking - things that can be made head of time and put in the freezer for when the need arises.  As a child I enjoyed baking.  Normally we stuck to the standard sugar cookies and shortbread.  At my grandma's she dug out some of her traditional German recipes, like Pfeffernusse cookies, which we all called dog biscuits, but loved eating.  She also made a dessert called Pluma Mousse, which us kids didn't care for but my parents/aunts/uncles loved.  Nowadays, I do a little bit of this and a little bit of that.  Chocolate crinkle cookies, caramel chocolate shortbread, and of course... chocolate peanut butter squares.  There is something so special about sipping a cup of tea in the morning while it was still dark and the lights of the Christmas tree are the only light in the house (just like I am doing now, apart from the glare of the computer screen).

The next thing on the list is always the Christmas tree.  As long as I can remember, we ALWAYS put up a real Christmas tree.  I only found out recently that my mom hated all the fuss... us kids never let her get away without putting one up.  We would go to the farm to pick one out (or sometimes the grocery store) and bring it back home to let the branches settle.  My dad always put the lights on, which could definitely get the blood boiling when one light decided not to work after the strand was put up...  Then he and my mom would sit back while us kids dug out the decorations and loaded up the tree, complete with tinsel.  I'm sure our tree was quite a sight.  We handmade so many decorations when we were young, and of course had the special "Baby's first Christmas" balls.  I can't wait to put one of those on our tree.  We have kept up the tradition of a real tree.  I think next year we might just do something smaller and simple, but a tree we must have.   The tree is the quintessential Christmas decoration for me.  There is nothing like sitting in a dark room lit only by Christmas lights and the shine of tinsel while Christmas music plays softly in the background... ahhh!

I just love Christmas lights altogether.  I loved driving around to look at them as a kid and I still do today.  In fact, in college, during the crazy week of stressful exams, a group of us would take a break and go look at Christmas lights to let off some steam and refocus our minds.  It was great times.  I am a fan of the simple red and white lights, but I'm a sucker for houses that are way overdone and just make you smile too.  We actually went out last night looking for some nice lights (there's short selection in this town) and started discussing the origin of lighting up your house.  I'm not sure what it is, but (environmental agendas aside) I'm glad for it!

 And then there's the advent calendar.  It's not that I'm so excited about what's inside... but as you know, I'm a sucker for the anticipation of things.  The advent calendar symbolizes the waiting for something greater.  The excitement in checking off the days is the best part of the fun.  When we were kids my aunt gave us a homemade advent calendar and every year my parents would fill it up.  I always loved it!  Buying the ones in the store just never matches up.  This year I made my own to start the tradition again!

Lastly, the most special part of the season for me is the reason we are celebrating.  The birth of Jesus, and all that represents.  When we were growing up our church put on a live nativity play every year.  It was a pretty spectacular event for a small town.  Our church office was on a farm, complete with stables and we would bring in real animals.  We would serve hot chocolate and put on a production that would run about 4x each night over a weekend.  There were lights spotlighted on the angels, a grumpy Jewish in-keeper (usually played by my dad) and a real baby to play Jesus.  The show was attended by probably 800 people and featured in the local newspaper.  One year, when I was about 14, I got to play Mary, the mother of Jesus.  It was such a fun and special role for me.  Every year at Christmas I had this tradition of reading a novel called "Two From Galilee," which was a fictional representation of what the experience was like for Mary.  I loved the magic of it all.  I love the story.  I love the hope it brings.  I love celebrating with our church in a candlelit Christmas Eve service, singing about the hope that we have. 

The writer at "A Little Blog About Big Infertility" wrote a great post about the holidays and she created a rating system explaining where she emotionally spends the holiday (http://alittleblogaboutthebiginfertility.wordpress.com/2011/12/10/happy-holidays/).  I found it to be quite appropriate.  This year is different for me.  I'm going through all the motions and trying to enjoy Christmas like I have in the past.  I still find all these things memorable and special... but I am also a bit weary this year.  We are all alone for Christmas.  No family at all.  I pictured that by now we would be starting all these traditions with OUR own family.  But here we are.  Sometimes this year I am an 8 on the scale...sometimes a 3... but mostly I hang out in the 2-4 range.  I don't want these holidays to be here, but I don't wan them to be over.  2012.  I'm nervous to head into a new year, wondering if it will be as full of disappointment as this one was.  I think this past year was the hardest in our journey so far.  On one hand, it will be nice for it to be over.  But the unknown is scary too.

Either way, I can't stop it from coming and I can't stop life from moving forward.  I can't stop my close friend from having her first baby within the next month.  And I can't control the timing for my own pregnancy.  Christmas is a week away.  I hope to enjoy this time and create memories, even if they are not the memories I was hoping to create.  I wish those of you who are in this struggle with me a Merry Christmas too.  I encourage you to search for that hope... maybe it won't be found in the arms of your own baby right now... but look to another baby who was born over 2000 years ago bringing hope to a world that is lost and in despair.  He is the reason for the season.  It is true!

Merry Christmas everyone!

Symptoms?

Of course during the 2ww every little twinge and nudge is highly overanalyzed, but... at the same time, if I were to end up pregnant on this cycle I know I'll want to remember the first signs.  I'm currently on day 22, 8dpo (or so we guessed)  So, here is what I am experiencing that may, or may not be, out of the ordinary (sorry for the technicalities):
- Tiredness!  Maybe it's just this time of year that everyone is tired, or maybe it's my low WBC levels... but I am finding myself tired way earlier than normal.  By 9:00 at night I am yawning like crazy.  I even texted my husband at 10:00 last night from the bed because I didn't want to go downstairs to get him.
- Sore back/neck - just on my right side especially
- Quite a bit of pressure in my lower abdomen.  After the cramping stopped I was okay for a few days but now feel a bit of pressure now and then (especially at night).  Hopefully that is not cysts from hyperstimulated ovaries, but apparently that is rarer with clomid.
- All week I've woken up at 3:30 and have to pee sooo bad.  Also, when my bladder is full I feel more pressure down in the uterine area.  After I pee I go back to bed and have to pee again really bad when I wake up at 7:30.  That is not normal (maybe I'm drinking more before bed, but I don't think so...)
- CM discharge, sticky and white (not usual for this point in the cycle).  I hear this could be due to high progesterone levels (hooray! and sorry if TMI)
- Today for the first time I have a headache and I NEVER get headaches.  ?
- Every morning I wake up feeling like I was run over by a truck.  Again, that is not out of the ordinary - I find mornings to be tough lately.  Not quite sure what is up with that.

Anyways, that's where I'm at.  I am not really expecting anything to be different this month, and not really thinking I am pregnant, BUT if I'm not... I think it is going to be a hard month (especially because it'll be just before Christmas).  

Baby dust to all!

What a girl wants

I thought I'd do a quick little update since I hadn't posted in a while.  This week was pretty busy and I am wiped from it all.  DH's 30th birthday was on Thursday and his brother and his girlfriend came to town for the weekend.  So, first of all, getting the house ready and entertaining guests (girlfriend we have only met once) was one thing.  Then, on Friday I threw a huge "Dirty 30's" party with a dirty moustache theme.  It was really fun, although I am having a hard time enjoying anything these days....  We rented a karaoke machine and spent the night singing our hearts out, eating cake and goodies, and playing some moustache themed games and poker.  However, it was simply exhausting!  Yesterday was just a recovery day.  I felt like I didn't really do much at all, besides party cleanup, taking the dog to the beach and knitting by the Christmas tree.  Today was our busy Sunday and that brings me to now.

As for me, I'm pretty sure clomid has more than hormone-altering chemicals in it!  I think it also contains "let's make you super depressed and take away all your energy while you gain weight (or have a heck of a time keeping it off)" drugs, which I am not enjoying!  The moodiness was one thing, but I could handle that.  But the depression is something different altogether.  I don't know if it is a result of the drugs, or just the toll of infertility really hitting me.  Whatever it is, it sucks and I don't know what to do about it.  I just keep hoping and praying that I'll magically be pregnant.  (On a note, I really can't tell if my current "symptoms" are out of the ordinary or not.  Sometimes a bit of a tug in my abdomen, but that has died down, breakout, extremely tired, and more CM than normal... one more week and we'll find out for sure).

People say the holidays are tough.  This is the first year I've really understood that.  We don't have much money for presents.  My parents have left town and we won't have any family around.  Our best friends are having their whole family come, and then due to have a baby shortly after so they will be extremely preoccupied.  And all I really, really want is to have our OWN family for the holidays.  I don't know how we'll get through.  Our exchange student will be here and his sister is visiting so we plan to show them a true Canadian Christmas.  But I really don't even want to.  I want to sit in my misery and not be bothered.  I don't know what I really want if I can't have the one thing I want...

Groovy!

Groovy!  I just won a prize from Mel over at Stirrup Queens (http://www.stirrup-queens.com/) for entering my blog in the Yearly Creme de la Creme list.  Thanks Mel (and to Jen over at http://herewegoajen.com/about/ for providing the prize I chose!)  If you want to checkout what Creme de la Creme is and sign up your blog, you can enter here: http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2011/10/the-yearly-creme-de-la-creme-list-is-now-open/

I'm also participating in International Comment Leaving Week this month.  That's what the new icon is on the right hand side of the page.  Click on it if you're interested in more information and would like to participate too.  This seems like a great way to get to know some more fellow bloggers. 

Hope among other things

Just wanted to update and say that things are feeling much more under control today.  I'm hoping and praying that the little swimmers will reach my egg and do their job!  Haha, it sounds so funny to me to even write something like that in a place that others will see... but it's the truth.  I actually even did visualizations this time and am sending lots of positive energy thoughts to myself, haha.  Hey, I figure it can't hurt and maybe will help.  I feel a bit hopeful about this month.  I am still processing the big fight DH and I had on the weekend, but I feel like it was a turning point.  We reached a point, even just for a moment, of feeling like we should just give up trying altogether.  DH was actually surprised that I went back for bloodwork the next day, because he thought we were just scrapping it for this month.  I went back though, because I felt a bit of a release emotionally and I just thought, "what if this IS the month?"  I wanted to make sure the proper steps had been taken if it were.  Then after that, we just had fun.  I don't think I'm at a point where I can completely give up trying, but last week was such a low of scrambling around trying to make everything work perfectly... and it was EXHAUSTING!  That is essentially what we fought about.  Of course DH is going to feel pressure when I am controlling every last detail of our lives in this regards.  I know it is the only way I know how to deal with this situation, but still... it maybe isn't actually helping all that much.  That's hard for me even to write actually.  And I don't know how to "fix" it.  I don't know how to change.  I don't know if I really want to.  But what I do want is to live this next month stress-free.  I want to enjoy the Christmas holidays with my husband, and our friends and family.  I don't want to be worried all about baby stuff.  I want to just relax.  It's hard, and I know there are still unresolved hurt feelings, but I am making an effort to be positive. 

In other news, all last night/this morning I felt little twinges in my abdomen, kind of like little bubbles.  I don't want to overanalyze anything, but maybe that is some sort of good sign?  Hoping and praying!!! 

Oh, and one last comment... I think the thing I am dreading most about being pregnant is the STUPID conversations people have with you.  My one friend J is pregnant and everywhere we go people ignore me and only talk to her about her baby.  It's like I'm not even there!  They never ask her about any other areas of life, only about how she's feeling, how her clothes are fitting, how tired she is, how big the baby is, whether it's a boy or a girl, etc. etc. etc.  It drives me crazy!  No wonder so many moms lose their identity in their baby.  If that is all that we can expect to talk to pregnant ladies about, how can we expect them to remain contributing members of society after the baby is born???  If/when I am pregnant, I plan to always turn the conversation around on anyone who asks me those idiotic questions and engage in a REAL conversation about REAL life!  There, that's my rant for the day.

Taking a day off

Today I am skipping church and taking a day off for me.  There is quite a sense of guilt for skipping out on my hubby.  Sunday is his big day and I don't want him to think I don't support him.  But after this week, I really really needed today.  I need some time alone in our house.  I need to gather my thoughts and prepare for the week ahead.  I need to relax and enjoy the stillness of our house setup for Christmas.  Starting next weekend we may have company until after Christmas.  Not all of it is high-stress company, and one group of friends isn't staying with us but will be in town, so it won't be stressful.  I am really looking forward with spending some time with visitors.  I find it helps to enjoy our city and the things there are to do here.  But, as mentioned before, I have been feeling like our house is just out of order, and that has been bugging me.  So, this morning I am puttering around a little and doing those things that I can't get done while DH is around.  I even, after walking the dog this morning, cleaned out the garage and got it all organized for winter (putting down the deck carpet so that the ground wouldn't be so cold to walk on, making a bin to keep veggies in during the cold, organizing wood).  I feel good to be under control a bit more. 

But right now I am sitting, sipping a latte and eating white chocolate biscotti (yum!) in the light of the Christmas tree.  This is pure bliss. 

Some resolution

I am doing better, just in case anyone was worried.  Made up with DH and attributed some of it to my crazy level of hormones.  Went for bloodwork again today and my estriadol level was HIGH!  2784 and normal for this stage in the cycle is between 230 and 1310.  Good ol' clomid!

None of the issues have really been "resolved" yet... I don't know if we can make it through this whole journey of IF.  Maybe we should just give it up.  Sometimes I wish I could just forget about it and move on with life.  Stop the stressing, and hoping, and dreaming and thinking...

Just wanted to check in and let you know everything is alright.  I actually had a nice day today.  We got a Christmas tree and I put up all the decorations.  I'll try load a picture later on.  Goodnight for now!

Not for Christmas

Worst day EVER yesterday.  I'm still processing and trying to figure out how I'm feeling, so I'll make this short and give you the facts.  Went for my day 11 bloodwork to see if my LH surge was on its way (went early because it's falling over a weekend).  Waited all day, but was pretty sure that I was on my way to the surge.  Did a pee test (which never work), and had a very faint line.  Received a call from the Dr. last night saying that I had not surged yet, but my levels were elevated and he expected I would surge tomorrow.  BUT... the clinic is closed on Sundays (or at least they don't do IUI on Sundays), so he told me to "have intercourse on Sunday and we'll check back in the New Year." 

Not only have I been planning my whole month around this treatment...  not only have I been taking crazy fertility drugs that mess up my whole life.... not only have I been drinking disgusting TCM medicine... not only have I been paying for weekly acupuncture... not only have I been graciously hanging out with my friend who is 8 1/2 months pregnant and really hoping I would get pregnant before her baby is born... but NOW I can't even go through with the plan for this month.  And I'm all about the plan. 

So, needless to say, I was pissed.  Then we had to go to a STUPID Christmas banquet where people that should not have kids (seriously, they can't even afford to feed and heat these kids and continually ask for handouts for the kids, and then go get knocked up again!) let these monsters run around disrupting everything. 

And then we came home and after watching a movie "tried" to have sex.  We should do it today and Friday, to make sure things are running smoothly and just in case my surge started to come last night.  Well, somehow (maybe I'll get into it later) that turned into a HUGE fight, in which I even left the house at 1:30am in pajama pants and a tank top and bare feet and rubber boots and drove around the block.

That hasn't been resolved yet.  I was up first thing today to do another blood test (not sure it's even necessary, but I did it).  And now I get to go make-up with DH.  I think this is the bottom of the low.  I hate infertility. 

So there's my heart bared for you all to see (and I know I'm to blame and have my own things to work through, but still... this is where I am at). 

Anyone have any suggestions???