A little lonely

I'm feeling a little lonely today now that our friends are gone.  It's nice to be on holidays.  This morning I slept in, went for a run, and did a few chores - all at such a leisurely pace.  It's noon and all I have to do is put a roast in the oven in a little while and put on some rice.  That feels very nice.  But in the quietness, I realize how alone I am feeling.  Not just people alone.  We have some people around us.  We were invited for Christmas dinner tomorrow night and declined.  I think I feel alone because Christmas, to me, is all about family.  At Christmas time, people gather.  There are lots of get-togethers and meals and activities in groups.  It does not involve a single person slaving away in the kitchen alone, but all the family gathered and each pitching in.  Decisions are all joint and there are bound to be disagreements, but that is what family is all about. 

This year I feel the lack of family so strongly.  All of my immediate family is out of the country.  DH's family can't get away for Christmas, and so we are alone.  The sting of infertility is doubled as I imagine what it would be like to have our own child this Christmas.  The sharing of traditions, the joy in watching a child's excitement, even the entertainment of having a baby around...  all of that is void.  And so I try to muster up the appreciation and even some joy for Christmas, but it all falls short. 

Oh Lord, let this be the last year we are alone for Christmas...