Merry worst Christmas ever...

I planned to write a Merry Christmas post yesterday... but the day did not pan out how I hoped and I didn't want to write a super negative post on Christmas.   Now that I've had a day to think about it, things have settled a bit and hopefully I can find something meaningful from what happened. 

Christmas day started off really nice.  I woke up early and made some tea and sat by the Christmas tree, then cuddled up and went back to sleep again.  DH made a delicious breakfast of eggs benedict and drank the coffee with the beans our friend had roasted for us.  We opened up presents.  The day was going great. 

Things turned right around 12:00.  All I wanted to do on Christmas day was to start a fire, and cuddle up with DH watching movies and knitting.  We have an exchange student living with us and his sister is also visiting for Christmas.  Now having them around is not bad... but we are never quite alone.  Our student does not leave the house lots and so when our house s empty, we revel in it.  The plan for Christmas is that a group of them were going to go up to the mountain skiing.  We were ecstatic.  We have been so busy with people and we really just needed some time to ourselves.  Well, it turned out that the skiing trip was CANCELED and nobody bothered to tell our student.  So, DH went to drop them off at the meet-up spot and nobody was there and they had to come back. 

This was too much for me.  I went up to our bedroom and had the biggest meltdown of my life.  I sobbed for almost an hour (or so it felt).  I had already been feeling sick with a stomach flu, and this ruined everything I was hoping for.  I admit, it was overdramatic... but I just really needed this day.  DH tried real hard to cheer me up and "fix" the situation (which I felt could not be fixed).  He suggested that we go up the mountain with them, but I was feeling really sick.  He suggested that he take them while I rested, but I did not want to be alone.  There was nothing that would make me happy.  Well, to sum it up the rest of the afternoon was spent in bed... I slept, we fought, he slept, we fought...  the afternoon wasted away.  The thing is, I am not a fighter.  We never used to fight like this.  It seems that IF has taken its toll on our marriage and is trying its hardest to draw us apart.  Neither of us want that. 

So, amidst all the drama and tension and yuck on Christmas day... we came to some conclusions.  I hope we can learn from this and move on.  I hope this is the start of a new time in our lives.  I'm still processing a lot as I write, so I apologize for the wordiness of this post.  I just never want to experience a day like yesterday EVER again...  I did not know it was possible to have fights that dirty and ugly.  The topic of divorce even crossed our lips... not that either of us want that, we just decided that if things were going to continue the way they had been, we couldn't take it. 

Anyways, here is what I came away with:

- As much as I try to make sure DH is first in my life, he sometimes feels like I care more about having a baby than about his feelings about things.  I can understand this.  In my zeal to get things done, I can trample over feelings, but I always get things accomplished.  I will try to be aware of his feelings at all times.
- DH has been under a lot of stress lately.  He carries other people's burdens and does not know how to handle all the stress sometimes.  The biggest thing I can do to help is to support him... not try to fix things, not try to take off the burden in other areas... just support him.  Care for him, cook for him, clean for him... this is how he knows I love him.
- We need to enjoy our lives more.  I know that sounds silly, but if you've been following me at all, you will see that I have not been happy in the last little while.  And this just kills DH.  His biggest goal in life (okay maybe that's an exaggeration, but close) is to make me happy.  And when I'm not happy... even when it's not his fault... he feels the burden and tries to do whatever he can to make me happy.  When I don't get happy, he gets angry and feels like a failure.  I know it's a bit messed up... but it is something that will take him a while to work on.  In the meantime, I can try to enjoy life a bit more and this will ease his stress and make him happy too. 
- Closely tied to that, I need to find some other areas of support and not count solely on DH to support me.  He is wonderful.  But I think he is struggling with things more than he even realizes and when I burst into tears every time I see a baby or pregnant lady, it just makes him feel more helpless.  There are so many other areas in our life that are good right now.  We have lots going on for us.  We have a house, good jobs, friends and family, the desire to travel, a cute little puppy... we CAN be happy without a baby around.  I know this in my head, but not always my heart.  I want to be happy.  I don't know if it is different for girls and if we have this nurturing instinct that needs to be filled... (DH says I should just nurture the heck out of him!) but I want to be content either way.  It's hard because we live in a small town where people get married when they are 20 and have at least 3 kids by the time they are 25.  There is literally nobody our age who is married without kids.  Nobody.  If we lived in a bigger city this might be easier.  So I don't know how to do this, but I will try.  We will try to find joy in the places we can and not compare our lives to others around us. 
- We still plan to go ahead with IUI if the timing works.  This will not be a "must" in our lives, but we will try to make it work.  This month it does not work with the timing around New Year's, but we'll try for February.  If it doesn't look like we will have a kid by next Christmas, I would like to pursue adoption.  This is the first time that has been a real consideration for me.  I'm not sure how DH feels but I'll give him time to process that.  Also, next Christmas I really want to save up for a trip away.  It is too hard to celebrate Christmas at home without a "family" around. 
- I need to work on being okay when things don't go my way.  This is such a hard one for me...  I have struggled with it as long as I remember.  My plan A is always the most efficient, effective, and I usually take everyone into consideration.  When that doesn't work, plan B is never good enough for me.  And I sulk.  I do this without even realizing it.  I need to get better at it, but I have no idea how.  DH is so flexible and willing to adapt... so much so that I end up taking control without even realizing it.  But I don't want it to be this way.  Oh Lord, help me!
- We need to have faith again.  Both of us are going through a faith crisis and wondering if what we believe is really true.  But we need this faith in order to have hope.  I don't know how to resolve this.  I even prayed yesterday that God would show us a sign... show up in a dream like he did with Mary and Joesph, send something to clearly show us that He is there. 

Well... whew!  That is a lot and such a heavy post for Christmas.  I would be surprised if anyone read this far along.  But thank you for letting me express where I am at.  This is really helpful. 

We are heading to Vancouver for the next few days so I won't be around too much to post.  I'm hoping for a good time just to refresh and get out of the small town and get some perspective. 

With all that said, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!  I hope your Christmas was much more uneventful than mine.  :)