Complete

Today marks the last day of the month and the photo prompt for today is "complete."  Today completes a month that is one of the most significant months my life.  Despite what happens, this month was the month I was pregnant for the first time EVER.  On March 1st, we had our first IUI.  March 14th confirmed we are pregnant.  In two days we will see our little one for the first time in ultrasound.  Wow, what a month!

I had a great birthday yesterday.  The party in the evening was nice, although I was ready to shut things down and get to bed by 9pm, hehe.  Did I mention that DH bought me a sewing machine?  I'm all ready to sew to my heart's content and start making some things for our little one (though I'm not really a sewer so it will be a lot of learning if I want to make a quilt).  Here are some pictures of my project for today.

On the pregnancy side of things, not much to report, except for the tiredness.  I slept 10 1/2 hours last night (though I was up from 3-4 again) and STILL am so tired.  No nausea though and that slightly concerns me?  Oh well.  I was complaining to DH that I have not been emotional/moody/teary, which I expected.  Well this morning I had a near meltdown.  My brother-in-law decided that he wanted to come along with me to Fabricland.  Fabricland?  I so wanted some time to myself, and to putter around and do things on my own.  I was complaining to DH and realized that I was feeling super emotional and didn't really know why.  Hopefully that is pregnancy hormones too!

And in closing, I thought I'd share some pics of us telling my parents last night.  We also wrote them a card from the baby.  It was pretty special - we all were crying!  And even cooler is that my mom had a vision/dream about it too.  Now this is not something I usually believe, or anything like that, but while she was praying, she saw the doctor who was doing our procedure.  And as he was getting ready to do the IUI, she saw a set of hands come down.  They were God's hands.  And they surrounded the doctor's hands and directed him as he did his job.  Isn't that cool?  It just gave me shivers!  No matter what, I do think that God has been a part of this whole process and I give Him the glory for creating this life.

 

Birthday Treats!

Today's photo prompt is orange, and yesterday's was cut.  Well, I started off my lovely day today with orange juice, french toast made by my hubby, and fresh cut daffodils from my garden.  I LOVE daffodils.  They are so cheery!

This afternoon DH and I took the pup to the beach and it was such a gorgeous sunny day.  Tonight is dinner with my family.  What a nice day.  Oh, and I DID sleep in, and plan to take an afternoon nap pretty soon here. 

So, this morning we got a phone call from DH's parents!  They received our card this morning, and were overjoyed.  But do you know what is so cool?  About 3 weeks ago, my father-in-law had a dream that we were pregnant.  He woke up and told my mother-in-law that he thought that I was going to have a baby!  Apparently, it is common in Korea for people to have dreams before having a baby... it is significant.  Also, I think that that it was a God thing, and it is a way of confirmation for us.  How cool is that, though?

6 Weeks

6 Weeks today!

I am...oh...so...tired!!!  Still don't have other symptoms, but this afternoon the pure exhaustion kicked in.  I  could barely walk the dog (got lightheaded), make dinner, or cleanup.  I've kept myself up till 10:00 but think I could have slept at 7 (though I knew then that I'd be up at 3 or something crazy like that).

Naturopathic appointment today was great.  I previously worked for her and we have become friends.  When I told her I was pregnant, she actually screamed and jumped up to give me a HUGE hug.  That was nice!  I haven't got to announce it and receive any big reactions like that yet.  It was fun.

Tomorrow if my birthday, and the thing I want most is to sleep in, haha!  And then take an afternoon nap too.  Won't be a super exciting day, but I'm okay with that.  Actually, in the evening my parents are throwing a mini party and cooking dinner for us and a few friends.  That should be great!

Cozy

Here's the picture for the day.  My pup cuddled up all cozy on the bed with DH.  So cute!!!  And now, we're going to cuddle up with some Purdy's ice cream and watch our shows.  I love being cozy!

A bit of this and a bit of that

Today I don't feel pregnant.  Well, I didn't all day till right now as I'm feeling a bit of heartburn.  It worries me a little, but not extremely.  I wish I felt fatigued like I did last weekend.  In my mind I correlate that with my rising Hcg levels.  I'm a bit tired, but not nearly that tired.  At the same time, I didn't drive for an hour, take a ferry ride, take a bus and walk around during the afternoon... that probably contributed to the extra fatigue.  So, I'm hanging in there.  I wish we were doing another beta this week.  I just feel like if I saw those rising numbers, everything would be okay.  If it is ectopic, doesn't it reach a certain point and then just stop rising?  But I haven't had a single bit of spotting, or pain or cramping, so I hope that means it is okay. 

We sent off some mail today!  A package to my newly pregnant sister, with a note from our baby.  A letter to my brother and niece for their birthdays, with a note from our baby.  A card to DH's parents, with a note from our baby.  I know it may be too early, but we would rather them know and be there to support us IF something went wrong.  And if everything is fine on Monday, we want to be able to CELEBRATE!  I think we will tell my parents on Friday, my birthday, also with a card and note from our baby.  Fun!  I had lunch with my mom today and I was so glad she didn't ask me how I'm doing with the news from my sister, or about my treatments.  I had actually practiced avoiding the question or telling a lie in case she did ask haha.  It will be nice once it is out in the open.

In other news, our living arrangement with DH's brother has passed the honeymoon stage (which I expected to end rather quickly).  The scoop is that he is 33 years old, has 2 law degrees, has been in school for almost the past 10 years, and hasn't worked a real job in all that time.  He has lived off his parents and does not know how to be on his own.  DH and him do care about each other, but they push each other's buttons so much and can hardly be more than a few days together.  The roles are very much reversed as DH is the younger child, and we are feeding, housing, and supporting his older brother now.  Of course that is going to cause some feelings of resentment!  And yes, of course, we love him and want to help where we can.  I think we're all still in the adjustment phase.  And boy can he eat a lot!  Finances are tight, and tighter now as we anticipate the arrival of a little one, and try to pay down debt and student loans.  He will need to start pitching in ASAP!

Thoughts for my readers

I wrote this post yesterday as these thoughts were mulling about in my head, but wanted to sleep on it before I posted.

First of all, I know that nothing in life is certain, and as much as I want to allow myself to celebrate and be excited for this baby, I am aware that a pregnancy now does not always mean taking home a baby in 9 months.  For that reason, I will continue to blog about my journey and infertility.  I will be talking about my pregnancy, but I will not be posting belly pics or ultrasound pics or anything like that.  I know that I have loved to see other  IFers who have become pregnant and read about their experiences.  It really gave me hope and a glimpse of what it would be like "on the other side."  I know that sometimes, though, it was hard to read of others' joy while I was suffering.  I will continue to faithfully follow all the friends I have made here and root you on.  If you need some space from me, though, I totally understand.  It feels a bit weird even writing that to people I've never met, but I think you all get it.

The other thing is this.  Yesterday, when I was filled with anxiety about the outcome of this pregnancy, I realized something.  I still am holding on to a lot of bitterness about infertility.  Just because I'm pregnant now does not mean that all the hurt and pain is gone away.  I know this because just this week I've heard of 3 new pregnancy announcements, and a few people who are trying.  On top of that is the recent surprise pregnancy of my sister.  As much as I rejoice with those I love, I still feel a pang of jealousy whenever someone flippantly announces that there's another "bun in the oven."  I hurt because they will never know what it was like for me.  I hurt because I am jealous and wish that was me.  I hurt because I struggled for so long all alone.  And a miraculous pregnancy does not instantly "cure" all those feelings.

 Don't get me wrong. I am so super excited.  Excited like I have never been before.  My husband keeps telling me I need to control myself, haha.  It's like I've finally given in to the desires and cravings and wants that I have had on hold for SO LONG!  I feel revitalized by it.  I feel like I am stepping out anew full of life and vigor (despite my fatigue).  It's hard to explain, but I'm so glad I feel this way.  A while ago I posted about being scared that I wouldn't feel like this when it was my turn.  But I do.  And I hope that gives you who are waiting hope too. 

Telling

Well the roller coaster ride continues.  I still am super positive and excited.  So much so that I couldn't sleep a wink last night.  Honestly, I was up from 1am to 4am.  I did read that high progesterone levels in early pregnancy can cause insomnia too.  But mostly I was too excited.  The thing that I can't get out of my mind is when/how we are going to TELL everyone.  I really just want to shout it from the rooftops and could hardly contain myself last night.  For the past 5 years, I have continually thought to myself, "Oh, if we get pregnant THIS month, then here is how/when we can tell our families."  I always had a plan.  However, now that we're here, I don't care about doing it in a cute way - I just want everyone to know!!!  Still, so that I can have a bit of a good story to tell, I came up with an idea.  I bought a cute little set of cards, and I've written a note in each of them to my family members from the baby.  The notes all go something like this:

Dear cousin/grandma/grandpa (etc.),

I just wanted to send a little note to say hi even thought I haven't met you yet.  I think we are going to get along so well and I can't wait to meet you.  I can't wait to be spoiled by you, and to love you and be loved in return.  In just a few months I'll be here to celebrate with you and we are going to have so much fun.  Hope you're doing well.  XOXO Sincerely, Baby ____  (Due Nov. 2012).

I can't wait to send them off!  DH and I are just trying to figure out the timing (my sister is in Australia, brother in Montana, his parents in a different Canadian city, my parents here, etc.).  Coupled with that is the fact that I spoke to the clinic today.  They are pleased with my numbers but said there is a small chance it is an ectopic pregnancy and so they want me to come in for the ultrasound sooner.  It is now scheduled for Monday.  So now I don't know if we should hold off on announcing till then?  It is my birthday this weekend and I thought that would be the perfect time to tell our parents.  And I wanted to mail the other packages off so that my sis/bro could receive them by Easter for a nice holiday surprise.  What do I do??? 

Anyways, focusing at work this week is just shot.  I don't know how I'll make it through 8 more months of anticipation!

The photo prompt today is "fresh."  This is a white cherry blossom tree just coming into bloom. Cherry blossom trees are my FAVORITE!  When I was little I used to hope I could get married underneath them when they were in full bloom with petals falling.  To me, they symbolize spring and the "freshness" that it brings. 

AAHHHHH!!!! WE'RE HAVING A BABY!!!!!!

The results are in... and for now... we're having a baby!!!!!

It is just that he/she is a bit of a late bloomer ;) 

Beta #3 = 2089

From 324 to 2089 in 4 days!!!!  That is a doubling time of 36.08 (though I really don't quite yet know what the doubling times are all about).  I'm just happy it's so high.  I prayed and prayed that it would be high.  I hoped for at least 1000.  This just knocked my socks off!  

I was literally at the gym, still waiting for results and decided to check one more time (it was almost 8pm) but didn't expect to see anything.  And there it was!  I dashed home so DH and I could celebrate (quietly, since we don't want his brother to know anything yet).   I guess the clinic will call in the morning.  Even according to their chart, we are in range and according to all the other online charts, we are just fine.  I am so excited, I hardly know what to do with myself.  Fortunately, I had some pregnancy books on hold at the library and they came in today and I picked them up in hopes that we would get some good news.  So, to reading I go.  Unless the doctor calls us in early, our first ultrasound is a week and a day away.   It's all happening!

No results...yet!

Ahhhh!   This has been the longest day EVER!  Okay, I know I have said that every day I go for testing, but seriously today was the worst.  I worked all day and had a slow day, which was worse because I had nothing to do but worry all day long.  My blood work went smooth this morning.  I called the clinic this afternoon and arranged to have them leave a message with my results because I would be in session with a client.  And no call.  I checked my results online almost every 15 minutes.  No results.  I came home.  No phone call.  I took the dog out.  No call or results.  I came home and took a nap.  Nothing, nada.  I ate dinner. 

Finally, I checked online and my results are partially complete.  Only problem is, the Hcg is still not processed.  And that is the only result I need!  I had to do the others because the lab did not have a standing order for my Hcg so I asked them to take my other standing order (LH, Progesterone, estriadol) and then the clinic called to add Hcg.  And I still don't have results! 

I am sure my clinic receives the results before me... so I don't know why they didn't call.  That stresses me out.  Is something wrong and I have to wait for the doctor to call himself (normally the nurse tells me, and she told me she would call me today - I spoke to her 3 times!).  I just want to know my levels so badly.  I am going to the gym, despite tiredness and the fact that I already took a walk because I just need to DO something with myself.

In good news, my estrogen and progesterone are super high (I think that's good?).  Estrogen is 3493 and Progesterone is 248.  I still feel pregnant.  I had heartburn almost all afternoon.  I am tired.  My boobs hurt.  I just wish we could have some settledness and put this stress behind us. 

So, the photo prompt for today is drink.  Apart from the liters of water I've been drinking every day to avoid dehydration... I am a tea drinker.  I live for tea.  I love it.  I love the process of making tea.  I love boiling the water, hearing the kettle whistle, steeping the tea, stirring in cream and sugar, holding a warm cup, and taking a nice sip!  When I left my last job, this is the gift I received - a local, handmade pottery tea pot and cup.  I'm in love!

Trip

I had a great time visiting my BFF.  It was short, but sweet.  And, as far as I know, I am still preggers! 

I haven't had much nausea yet, but oh man did the tiredness set in yesterday.  The trip over is only 1 1/2 hour drive, 1 1/2 hour ferry, and then a 30 minute bus to downtown.  When I got there, though, I was pooped!  We tried to look around and do some shopping but I couldn't even think straight.  So we went home and I took a nice hour nap (gee, what a great friend I am, haha).  Since we both weren't really up for it, we stayed in, got take-out and watched a movie.  I could have slept at 9:00, but fortunately good conversation and good friendship kept me up.  I've been waking up in the middle of the night to pee, but made it till 6am, when I grabbed a snack and then slept some more.  I think also my blood sugar is being affected because I feel the need to eat frequently, or else I just feel out of it.  Last night I got home at 8:30, and was tucked in bed at 9:00 with lights out at 10:00.  I slept 9 1/2 hour and woke up today STILL tired!  This is going to be interesting...

Tomorrow is our 3rd beta.  I'm hoping that all my tiredness, hungriness and sore boobs mean the little one is doubling like crazy!!! 

I heard a quote the other day that I thought was so applicable for us: "Patience is bitter but it's fruit is sweet."  I'm hoping for some sweet, sweet fruit at the end of this journey.

Oh, and here are some pics to play catch-up (and some for your enjoyment):

Here is another real picture of a Farmer's Market we went to yesterday.

I love Farmer's Markets.  And it was sunny with blue skies (check out the mountains in the back)

Move: Here is me "moving" on the ferry boat across the water to Vancouver

Hug!  DH with our pup (see how much she loves hugs?)

Sparkle!

Away We Go

I'm off for a quick trip to Vancouver to visit my BFF.  It couldn't have come at a better time!  With my brother-in-law moving in, and our beta levels good but not in the clear, I need some serious distraction. 


Talk to you all later!

Beta #2

Okay, the results are FINALLY in.  And... it doubled!  But that is about all it did...

Beta #1 = 132

Beta #2 = 324

That was in 72 hours, but it DID double.  My doubling time was 55.8.  I don't really know if that's good or not.  I will do more research tonight.  The only distressing part is that my labs description of "normal" ranges is this:

Non Pregnant: <5
0 - 1 Week: 5-50
1 - 2 Weeks: 40-300
2 - 3 Weeks: 100-1000
3 - 4 Weeks: 500-6000
1 - 2 Months: 5000-200000
2 - 3 Months: 10000-100000
2nd Trimester: 3000-50000
3rd Trimester: 1000-50000


According to that chart, I am fine if I'm in the 2-3 week range, but if I am 4-5 weeks along (which is what I suspect), I fall short.  When I have looked online at other charts of normal ranges, I do fall within range, just the lower end.  I also read lots of success stories about people who started with low betas.  It's not going down, which is good.  And it's not under 100, which usually is not good.  I do think I ovulated later than the IUI, so maybe that factors in, and maybe I took a while to implant?  So for now, I think we are okay.


I didn't get to speak to my doctor though because there was a mix-up and the lab did not do my HcG till later in the day.  I got my results online but the doctor had already left.  So I have to wait to hear from him tomorrow.


The good part is that my Progesterone and Estriadol are all okay!  They are actually both quite high (Pg is 252, which is super high).  I know that a lot of people have troubles with low progesterone, so that is good.

So, for now I am still pregnant.  I hope that if it is not going to last, it ends pretty quick.  I want to enjoy my pregnancy and I would so much rather know now if it is going to end.  Thanks for all the support during this time!   


Oh, and the photo prompt for today is market.  I couldn't take a picture of our amazing Farmer's Market, so I found on online.  Our market runs year-round (indoors during winter) and is fabulous!  I love living in a community that values local, organic food.

Buttons, and treats and more

I first want to thank everyone for the supportive comments over the last few days.  I am feeling much more positive today.  Tomorrow we find out if the betas are going up, or down.  I really, really want this to work - the timing and everything is just perfect.  But if it doesn't, I'll have to find some way to move on. 

Last night was nice.  After dinner, I decided not to go to yoga class.  It has been tough the past few weeks, and I just wanted to take it really easy on my body.  Also, I had crazy heartburn yesterday for the first time (hoooray!).  I did my own relaxing yoga workout, and then DH and I went to get ice cream.  On the way home we started arguing about something stupid and had a bit of a ridiculous fight, which led me to tears.  But I think I just needed to cry and release all the tension and negative energy in me.  It felt so good.  We had made up by then and so spent the rest of the night cuddling on the couch watching New Girl and Community.  This morning I "almost" puked after taking my prenatal drink.  I was trying to do some exercises, but it wasn't sitting well and I was this close to losing it.  Yay again!  I also took another strip test this morning and still positive!  If it is a chemical pregnancy, I just wonder how long it would last for? 

So, in other news... we have another temporary life-changing event taking place.  DH's brother is coming to live with us for a while!  It's a long story.... but basically, he is 2 years older than us, unmarried, unemployed, and has been living with DH's parents trying to look for work.  He does have a double degree in U.S. law, but hasn't been able to find a job and is kind of down and out in life right now.  I guess things at his parents haven't been going well, and we had offered him a space here for a while.  DH is very strict about it and adamant that he has to earn his keep.  Haha, it's kind of funny.  He told me that he is going to implement all sorts of rules like making sure his brother is out of the house by 10am so that he doesn't sleep each day away, making him mow the lawn, etc.  DH's brother can be high-maintenance, so I really hope this does not bring us stress.  In fact, I just hope that I am preggers for good, because going through fertility treatments while he is here would not be fun! 

Fortunately, I have a little get-away planned to visit my BFF this weekend!  I am so excited and it is perfect time.  No matter how tomorrow goes, I know she'll be there to let me cry or celebrate and either way we'll go shopping!

(Pictures to follow once I'm home and can access them.  For now, enjoy the post!)

Buttons!  We use these for a variety of activities at work.

I don't have any great recent pics of my BFF, but this is me and her on my wedding day.  So excited to see her.  (She's my treat for the photo today).

Help...ANXIETY!

Help me out ladies.  Today I am just super anxious! 

DH and I spent the night reading about beta levels and possible outcomes.  We had to come to a forcible stop because it just wasn't helping.  DH told me he can't handle facing any more disappointment.  I think that struck me hard.  If he's not feeling strong, how am I supposed to feel strong?  My heart broke for him and I can't handle that anymore either.  Today I am a ball of nerves.  I know I should relax.  I'm trying breathing and stretching, but I just can't get rid of the anxiety!  I just need a real good cry, but I can't even do that.  I'm supposed to have yoga tonight so hopefully that helps.  Any other tips?  How can I stay positive when I am so scared of the negative?

Numbers (Beta)

Well, today did not go exactly as I had hoped.  When my results finally came online, they were much lower than I was expecting.  I was with clients all afternoon, so the clinic left me a message basically, saying that my numbers were lower than they were hoping, and they want me to go back and test again in 3 days.

So, here's the shot from my screen (sorry for the quality):

As you can see, my levels today (day 31 of my cycle, just over 4 weeks) are 132.  According to this chart, that is a bit low.  However, I have checked other beta charts online and it's not uncommon to have numbers this low at the beginning.  In fact, 132 still matches the criteria for 4 weeks on a number of charts.  So I really don't know what to think now!

DH did a bunch of reading up on it (how sweet) and says we have to wait till the next test to see if the numbers are going up or down, and how much they are going up if they are.  There's not much information you can get just from one beta.  I have found a lot of success stories, starting with low betas.  But it also can mean miscarriage, or ectopic pregnancy (which has been a fear of mine this whole cycle).  DH thinks that since a BFP appeared today on tests that it wasn't showing on a few days ago, that means the levels must be going up.  Hehe!  He also hung out with a friend today who told him that last night he had a dream about DH talking with our son!  Prophetic maybe?

Anyone have any tips or advice for me?  Waiting 3 more days is going to be killer! 

Dud test = positive

Sigh.  This day felt like it would never come, and now it feels like it will never end (at least to the point where I need it to end so I can call my clinic).  Today I find out our beta levels.  I've been anxious all weekend!  Deep down I feel it will be fine and I don't really know what I am scared of, but I'm still scared.  I don't know how I'm going to make it 3 weeks until the ultrasound!

Last night DH begged me to take another pee test this morning.  He is so hesitant to believe it's true.  Well, I only have one ClearBlue test left, and somehow I didn't want to waste using it on a day when I'm already having my blood tested.  So, I resorted to the package of "dud" tests I bought online.  And, lo and behold, there was a faint, faint line... but definitely a line!  So if the dud tests worked, I think we're going to be okay.  I'll update as soon as I can!

Stretch

The photo print today is stretch. This is me stretching on my morning walk with the dog. Oh, and I felt nauseous a bit this morning for the first time. Yay! Beta levels tomorrow.

The "Other" News

First off, let me say that I am still beyond excited.  I could barely sleep again last night (not good when you're trying to give up caffeine).  Remember how I blogged about being worried that if I were to get pregnant, I wouldn't be able to enjoy it or be excited because of all the pain from the past 5 1/2 years?  Well I was wrong.  DH said it doesn't surprise him at all - he knew I would freak out with excitement when it finally happened.  He is pretty stoked too, but he is trying to keep a calm, level-head and keep some caution alive (are you sure you're not spotting?  do you feel like you're going to get IT, it being AF?).  It's actually pretty cute.

I just wanted to say one thing as well.  I know how hard it is in blog-land to see somebody else get the BFP that you were hoping for.  I KNOW what that's like.  I was hesitant to even share my news on here, but I knew I couldn't avoid it forever.  Please send some love over to Lisa at Hapa Hopes.  Her and I were one day apart with our IUIs and I was so hoping and praying we would be able to celebrate together.  I  also know that seeing other IFers receive a BFP was the one thing that kept my hope alive.  I may not have persevered so far if I didn't have that hope.  As hard as it is to miss out on your turn, if someone else gets their chance it means there is still HOPE that it can happen for you.  I know I wouldn't have made it where I am today without that hope passed on from the others in this community.  So, thank you.
Alright, and now onto the BIG news.

Last night I had a Skype call with my little sis.  She is married and lives in Australia and I haven't seen here for 2 years.  I don't know if I've written about my siblings much.  I also have a little brother who lives in Montana.  So I'm the only kid close to home.  My brother (the youngest) had his first baby last year.  That was really hard with where we're at, but kind of cool because since he was the youngest, he never got to experience anything first.  Now my sister and I are very close.  She's one of my best, best friends.  Recently I told her about our IF journey, but I had kept it from her for a long time before that.  Probably because being the older sister, I didn't really want her "worrying" about me.  She's now been married almost two years.

And (you can probably see where this is going), YESTERDAY she told me that her and her hubby are EXPECTING!!!  They are 10 weeks along in their pregnancy!!!!  Now there are so many cool things about this.  First of all, if I had of heard the news even a few days earlier, it would have been so hard to swallow (though I would have been happy).  She had what she thought was a miscarriage a little while ago (I'm still not sure if that was linked to this pregnancy or not).  She told me that she was not TTC, though I didn't fully believe her.  So I really wasn't surprised by this.  However, IF our pregnancy "sticks" around, that means that our babies will be a mere 6 weeks apart!  That means that we will progress through our pregnancies together!  And they are coming to visit in June, which means that we will have (hopefully) little baby bumps TOGETHER, at the SAME TIME!  Do you know how excited that makes me?  Of course, you always dream of being pregnant at the same time as a close friend or something... but a SISTER!  That is the best case scenario I could ever dream of!

I was itching to tell her our news... but DH really wants us to wait longer (I told my BFF but that is all so far).  Instead, I plan to send her a little package with a gift for her baby, and a special little note from her baby's "cousin-to-be."  I hope to time it so that she receives it just after we go for our U/S so then we can share our news.  I had planned to wait till June and just show up with a bump, but there is no way I can do that now.  For me, this is a hopeful confirmation of God's timing.  I don't think I could handle losing this baby now that this has happened.  And I think He knows that.

As for telling people, DH really wants to wait till the U/S to find out more details and make sure everything is okay.  I don't even think I can wait that long!  I just had to tell my BFF (who texted me at least 3 times on our testing day).  We didn't tell my parents and they are now away for the next week.  I think I'd like to tell them on or around my birthday.  I'm going shopping today for some cute little grandma/grandpa present to give to them.  My dad called this morning to see if I was okay after talking to my sis.  I said yes, and he kept persisting, "are you sure?"  It was so hard to keep from spilling over with excitement.  Anyways, we are heading to visit DH's parents just after Easter, so I think we'll tell them then... or we might send an early package with a little gift for them beforehand.  Other than that, we'll keep it quiet until 12 weeks (which is only 2 months away, eeek!).  This part of the whole thing is one of the parts I am most excited about.

Alright, that is enough babbling from me for now.  Sorry for the long-winded post.  Great if you made it thus far in even reading!

Oh, and for the photo today.. since I don't really celebrate St. Patty's day (nor can I drink green beer right now), I went for a walk this morning and took a pic of some nice fresh green.  I love living in a place that is green all year round.  Also, check out the incredible mountains this morning!

The 2ww Symptoms Post

Well, you wanted it.   You got it!  These are the "symptoms" I experienced during my 2ww (plus a little more).  Most were not major, but there were a few that stood out apart from normal (they are in bold).  Feel free to ask any questions.  

March 1, 2012 - First IUI
d1piui - A little cramping, nothing major
d2piui - Had a terrible sleep, woke up in middle of night with horrible cramps (ovulation?), tender abdomen all day, a bit tired (this is what I have experienced on clomid each month around ovulation.  of course, I was terribly worried that we had missed the ovulation window and that the washed sperm would miss their chance.  And so we BD as much as possible during this time!)
d3piui - Sore lower back, pinching in abdomen twice in the afternoon, general tiredness
d4piui - Woke up tired and feeling blah
d4piui - Dry white CM
d5piui - EWCM, very sore lower back, had a very difficult time doing yoga (which is not normal for me).  This was probably the first real "sign" that something was going on.
d6piui - Smelly morning urine (sorry if TMI), emotional (want to cry for no reason, angry, jealous), sore lower back
d7piui - Still emotional, sore lower back, then, at one point in the day I had a distinct pinching on the left side ovary, and later one shooting pain on right side (can you say implantation????).  I have never had this symptom before.
d8piui - Little bit of pain on right side
d9piui - Nothing
d10piui - Nothing
d11piui - Took a urine test (which I found out later were duds) and... BFN.  Felt fluish and extremely tired all day.
d12piui - Took another urine test and...BFN.  Still felt fluish all day, very tired, sore throat at night.  Again, yoga class was very hard to complete.  I just didn't have much energy.
d13piui - Extremely tired, could not get out of bed, felt kind of like lump in stomach (thought it was flu)
d14piui - Went for HcG blood test and... ***BFP*** Had huge excema flare up, when exercising heart rate was very high, sore boobs? (not sure if from push-ups the previous day)
d15piui - ClearBlue test in morning = BFP.  It's confirmed!  Felt pretty normal all day.  Sort of felt like AF was coming with slight cramping.  Tired (because I hadn't slept much the night before, presumably).
d16piui - Woke up to cramping, almost gas-like in abdomen and slight pinching on right side.  Feels like things are shuffling around a little.

And that brings us to today!  I thought I'd also share my BBT calendar.  I only charged on Fertility Friend this month and have kept paper copies previously.  You can check it out here.  I don't know for sure, but I'd say it kind of looks like a triphasic pattern to me?  My temp has NEVER gone as high as 98.3 before.

Hope that's helpful for anyone currently in their 2ww.  Thanks for listening!

The day after the BFP

Friday, March 16, 2012

I couldn't sleep at all last night.  I tossed and turned like crazy.

This morning we woke up and DH told me to go do a pee test.  So, I did.  I decided to use 2 tests - one ClearBlue and one of the kind I had been using (a bulk pack of test from saveontests.com).  Well, looks like the tests I have been using are a dud.  Within 40 seconds, there was a definite BFP on the ClearBlue test and a negative on the other one.  Again, I couldn't believe it.  I was shocked.

I really, really wanted the pee test today to be positive.  I felt like I could believe the blood test if it was also confirmed with a pee test.  And it was.  I am so happy!  We lay back in bed, trying to absorb this life-changing information.  DH started to freak out (in a good way), and said, "Oh man, shit just got real.  Now I have to go out and become a man."  Haha, it was so funny!

Once we made our way out of bed, we sat in the living room, contemplating all sorts of things that we have not allowed ourselves to think about so far.  My job, finances, house arrangement, car....  naturally our minds went to all the big areas.  Of course, I've been thinking of these things already for months, but this was the first time we were able to talk about them.  We can't get to much ahead of ourselves, I know.  But it was so exciting to let these things out for the first time.

I really have no idea what to do with myself now.  All I want to think about is having a baby, and what that means.  At the same time, I have this niggling of what if it doesn't work.  I don't want to go there, but after all we've seen and the knowledge we now have, it still scares me.

I'm glad today is our day off.  We are going to go and find some way to celebrate.  And I'm going to go buy myself a copy of "What to Expect When You're Expecting."  I've wanted to buy that book for years!  Every time I see it, I longingly look at it, wondering when it will be my turn.  I told myself I couldn't buy it until I received a BFP.  And now that day is here.  Isn't it silly that this is the thing I am most excited about today?  What about you?  What is the one thing you will rush out to do?

Sorry for the all-over-the-place thoughts.  This is a true reflection of where I'm at today.

Stay tuned tomorrow for my post about symptoms and some other exciting news (not about me).  Thanks for all the support everyone!

Bless the Lord, Oh my Soul (keep reading, it's a big one)

(Post written March 15, 2012)

Bless the Lord, Oh my soul and all that is within me bless His holy name!

I want to start off this post with scripture, and soon you'll see why (keep reading, it's an important one!).  This morning I decided to read the book of Psalms in my daily Bible reading.  The Psalms are full of writers pouring out their heart and emotions to God.  Well this morning I certainly felt like pouring out my soul.  It was testing day, and I was a nervous wreck!  I found a Psalm (102) that was completely applicable:

"Hear my prayer, Oh Lord; let my cry come to you!  Do not hide your face from me in the day of my distress!  Incline your ear to me; answer me speedily in the day when I call."

It goes on like this for a while, the writer in utter despair of his situation and calling out to God.  Well, the very next Psalm begins with the line at the start of this post.  Bless the Lord, Oh my soul and all that is within me bless His holy name!  These Scriptures were my prayer for today.

And... without further ado, let me announce.... that my blood test today...

PRODUCED A ***BFP***

The First BFP that I have EVER seen.  So, until we hear otherwise... I am officially PREGNANT!

Let me tell you how it went.

This morning I had to go to work early (9:00) so set my alarm early to decide if I wanted to go for my bloodwork today or wait till tomorrow.  I POAS and it was negative.  I wasn't banking on it being positive.  But, I decided I'd go for bloodwork so that at least we'd know whether to grieve, or celebrate this upcoming weekend.  So I went and got it done with and made my way to work.  Luckily, I had 2 new clients and so it was busy and I was occupied.  But when I was done at 1:00, I was shaking.  I checked my online results, but they weren't in yet.  I went for a grocery shop.  I rushed home and checked online again.  Nothing.  It was nearly 3:00 then, so I hung out with DH and killed some time before I called my fertility clinic (for my other bloodwork they always instructed me to call at 3:00, so I thought I'd try).  The receptionist told me that my Dr. had left early for the day, but that she'd have a nurse call me back before the end of the day (4:30).  This was the longest 2 hours of my life!  I decided to go to the gym because I needed to do something with all my anxious energy.  DH decided to go play guitar (his go-to stress release).  I didn't work out too hard, but I noticed my heart rate got super high, super quick.  Not sure if it was the anxiety, or something else...  Kept trying to check my results online, but couldn't get on the network at the gym.  Went home.  Checked online.  Still nothing.  By now it was after 4:00 and I still hadn't heard anything from the clinic.  I decided to take the dog for a walk, and told DH I'd come right home if they called.  So I started walking.  About half way through my walk (right when I was at the mid-point where it was the same length to go back, or keep going to get to my house, I decided to check online again (smartphones are just great, hey?).  Well, to my utter surprise, this is what I saw:

Unfortunately, it was just a qualitative Hcg so I don't know what my actual beta numbers are.  BUT IT SAID POSITIVE!  I tried to walk home as quick as I could, without overdoing it... and found DH still on his guitars.  I still had not received a call from the clinic, but I told him to stop what he was doing because he may want to remember this moment forever.  Then I showed him my phone!  We both couldn't believe it!  He gave me the hugest kiss and just had this crazy look on his face.  Wish I had caught it on camera. 

Both of us were still hesitant to believe... thinking there could have been a mistake or something.  Luckily, about 15 minutes later the clinic called.  I told the nurse that I had seen my results online, and that I was freaking out wondering if it were true.  Sure enough, she said it was!  I asked about my beta levels and she said I could go back for a blood test next week to check them if I'd like.  Of course I said yes.  Other than that, there was not much for her to say.  She told me that I am 4 weeks today!  We booked our first ultrasound at 7 weeks (that's only 3 weeks away, holy moley!).  And she said to call if I had questions, or was cramping or bleeding.  Of course I had already planned to do that.  And that was it.

DH and I had no idea what to do next, but luckily my parents were coming over for dinner so we had to get ready and stuff.  We decided not to tell them yet.  We'd like some more definitive information and maybe  a plan of a special way to let them know.  We still don't really feel like it's true.  I'm googling false positives like crazy!  Since I haven't had a positive HPT, I'm worried that there's some mistake.  But then I do have some symptoms too (those I'll share on a different day).

My parents are now gone and I wanted to get this story down before I forgot any details.  I think I will actually sleep alright tonight.  Part of me doesn't fully believe it.  I want to POAS tomorrow to see if that confirms anything.  If not, I'm not sure what I'll do.  Right now, I just need to think one moment at a time.  We've NEVER had any sort of positive on a pregnancy test before, and these are usually the most valid.  That is something I can relax in and believe until proven otherwise (I'd just sure like to know my betas).

If it is, indeed true, we will be due Nov. 22, 2012.  And I'll have become pregnant while I am still 30 (with a mere two weeks to go).  God is good!

A *Perfect* Morning

The photo prompt today is morning.  This is how my mornings normally start - a cup of tea and checking my email.  Today was no exception.  Except today was pretty much a perfect day.  After a little sleep-in, we woke up and had tea/checked email.  DH roasted some coffee (his new past-time) and I read.  We got ready and then went out for a late brunch.  After that we poked around downtown at bookstores, record stores and thrift stores and then came home (had planned to take the dog for a hike but it started raining).  Then I went back to bed for a nap, and just woke up now.  Mmm!  Time for more tea. 

Oh, and there was one more thing that happened this morning....

But I'll leave that for the next post.  Keep reading!  :)

Building

Again, this was a difficult topic to think of a picture for, but my mind gravitated to about a year ago and a gift that was built for me.  As I was turning 30 (on March 30th, almost exactly a year ago), my wonderful dad built me some garden boxes for our new house.  We really want to build a garden someday but haven't had the time/money so far to do it.  So, I made do with these and a whole bunch of pots and turned out backyard into a haven of greenery.  Here's a little pic:

And, to check one more thing off my list, I planted 72 seedlings to pot into my boxes (I may have to find more space to plant them) once the weather has nicely warmed up.  Right now they're basking in the warmth of my laundry room until the weather decides to actually turn to spring.

Design

Today's photo prompt is design.  I had no idea what to put up for this one, so I just took pictures of the only designed things I could think of in my house... my wallpapered walls.  I love vintage style wallpaper.  We had a great time picking out wallpaper to put up when we moved in here.  Actually, that was after having to tear down rooms full of wallpaper.  The couple who lived here before was an old English couple and they literally wallpapered EVERY ROOM in this house... even the bathrooms.  Oh, okay there was one room without wallpaper that they sponge-painted instead.  Needless to say, we became pros at tearing down wallpaper (downy mixed with warm water does wonders).  Anyways, without further ado, here is the wallpaper we chose.

Living room

Bedroom

Glow

Last night I took a bath, complete with candles and lavendar epsom salts.  Mmm!  I normally don't like baths, but this one was perfect. 

On being happy

Lately I am having a hard time feeling happy.  I know there are lots of good things in my life.  I have wonderful days like today where I get to spend the day at home, knit, drink tea, cuddle by the fire, and have time to myself.  These are things that I normally love.  I have a good job that I am grateful for and really enjoy.  I have loving family around me and friends who support me.  However lately even my favorite things seem lackluster.  I get bored spending time alone.  I dread going to work (even though I enjoy it when I'm there).  I don't want to see friends and family.  I keep on taking time for "me" - time to take care of me, to do things that I like - but it doesn't seem to make me feel any better.  I appreciate the things that I get to do and the time I get to myself but I don't know if it is helping.  When I am alone I crave friendship and people around me.  When I am with people I can't wait to be alone.  It's not a fun way to live.  I have bursts of desire to join some action group and pour myself into something meaningful (for example, the Kony2012 campaign that's all over right now).  I wonder if I'm living out the life that God wants me to, and if my self-focus is getting in the way.  I'm familiar with depression and its effects, and my situation could be explained away by that, but I know myself and I don't feel "depressed" like I have at other times in my life.

Above all, I wonder what will happen if/when I do get pregnant.  Will I suddenly be happy, or will this bland feeling prevail?  Is this just about not having a baby, or is it about more?  I really don't know the answer to that question.  And so, I plod on, hoping a baby will come and then we'll see from there.

Eating

Haha!  I thought it was quite funny to post this picture for today's photo prompt of "eating."  Last night a HUGE wind/rain storm raged through Vancouver Island.  I don't think I've ever seen such large gusts of wind.  Due to the crazy storm, we (and 78,000 others) lost power.  This morning I woke up to get ready for work and the house was FREEZING.  I woke up DH and had him start a fire downstairs.  I lit candles and really wanted a cup of tea.  So, I dug out the camping stove (which is incredibly dirty as you can see), set it up in the garage, and boiled water for tea.  Then I got a call from work telling me not to come in (hooray!) and so I went back to bed and slept till noon.  Ahh!  What a great way to start the week.

Living

Today's photo prompt is living.  I was a bit stuck on what to do for this one, as all I had in my mind was "living room" and that seemed a bit too boring.  Also I don't have a lot of time to take pictures and post today.  However, when I came home from church and made some tea, the sun was streaming beautifully into my home.  I'm a real homebody and I love being in my home.  I love making it pretty and love reveling in its beauty.  So, here you get some pictures of my "living" space. 

My dining room

Living room ("duh")

Fireplace at the end of the living room and computer corner

Living/dining room

Down the hall

Kitchen

Couldn't resist.  This is my dog's idea of living, after a busy afternoon of playing with a puppy friend

Hello check-in

Hey!

I thought I'd pop in and give a quick update on me today.  I'm at 9dpiui and the time is slowly ticking by.  I fortuitously planned to keep myself busy this weekend.  It's been a nice weekend and I've accomplished lots so far.  But the days are going slowly....  I don't really "feel" pregnant, and as much as I keep telling myself not to get my hopes up, and that it probably didn't work, I really want to think that it did.  Well, 5 more days till we find out.  I really can't think past that day - I don't really have any plans ahead of it so once I make it till then, I'll start to think about what is next. 

As for my "to-do" list, here is what I have accomplished so far.

1. Contacted my friend re. the broken pan
2. Repotted house plants (my mom actually helped me today)
3. Bought new socks
4. Didn't finish DH's scarf, but ran out of yarn and picked up more to keep it going.
5. Trimmed bans and waxed eyebrows
6. Decided against throwing a tea party right now... maybe I'll do it later in spring, but I'm not up to hosting a big thing at the moment.  Hoping to get over to the mainland to visit my BFF instead!

Hmm... that may be about it.  I've been busy doing other things that aren't on the list too - I guess I won't get around to everything in the next 5 days.  Today my mom came over and we organized/cleaned out closets, and started to work a bit on the garage.  She also re-potted my plants for me.  Yay!  What a great mom I have.

Love

This is a picture of my beautiful mother.  Isn't she just gorgeous?  I love her so much!  I am so lucky to live near her, after 10 years of being apart.  She's actually coming over today to help me organize around the house.  I love that we can do that!  She's helped me dig up my garden, put up wallpaper in the house, made meals for me... what would I do without her? 

Soft

As we started the process of IUI this month, I was shopping with my mom and came across a pair of sweatpants. Now, let me say that I do not own sweatpants and DO NOT wear sweatpants and have not since I was in high school when it was cool to do.  My main reason is that I live on Vancouver Island where fashion is not really a priority.  As a result, people wear sweatpants and other things you would not wear in public, in public ALL THE TIME!  I always vowed I would not be that person.

However, I have lately discovered the glory that is coming home and taking off my "work" clothes, and putting on "comfy" clothes.  And with the mess of hormones that I am, and constant clomid cramping, bloating, and other such joys, a pair of comfy pants is just the right prescription. 

So, when I put on these sweatpants and felt how SOFT they felt, I couldn't resist!  I bought my first pair of grey sweatpants.  And I wear them every day!

DH has nicknamed them the "I gave up on life" pants, and I don't even mind.  

Healing

The picture challenge today was healing.  Again, a timely one.

This afternoon I had a visit with a wonderful older lady from my church whom I recently met.  She is probably around 70, and is the wife of a pastor, just like me.  She had quite a difficult childhood with an abusive father, and living such a different lifestyle.  Part of her growing up years were spent in Brazil in a house with mud walls (which she helped build) and a thatched roof.  She is just the sweetest thing - and full of great stories.  After my husband and I had dinner with her and her husband a few weeks ago, I just knew I had to see her again.  So I arranged to go over to her place for tea. 

Though we have only just met, I wanted to share our struggle and journey of infertility with her.  I can tell she genuinely cares about me and something in me was just drawn to her.  So I told her about our story.  And you know what?  She really, truly understood.  Now she has 4 children, who are all grown up (and one of them was adopted) but she also has lost 4 babies to heaven through miscarriages.  With her first pregnancy, she was 5 month (FIVE MONTHS!) pregnant with twin boys, naturally.  This was her dream she said.  She told me that she remembers wearing a specific beautiful dress with a smocked top and her little belly popping out.  And then she lost them both.  What is worse was that NOBODY helped her through.  Nobody asked her how she was doing.  In fact, of the community she was a part of, she said it was like there was a big ring around her and nobody wanted to come near.  And so she suffered the pain in silence, all alone.  She knows what it is like to stand in church and hear a baby cry and see the mother rush it out and wish that it was your child.  She knows what it is like to be in public places and have a smile on your face, even though your heart is breaking inside.  She knows what it is like to long for something so much, and know you are not going to have it - at least in the way you always imagined. 

Hearing her story was healing for me.  She didn't always have an easy life.  But here she is, near the end of her life - and happy, fulfilled, joyful.  She prayed for me.  And I believe her prayer means something.  I believe all prayers are heard... but those of faithful, old believers are extra special to God above.  In her prayer she said, "Every young couple longs to hold a tiny baby in their arms, one that is theirs..." and I just felt such hope, like it just has to happen to us. 

On the way home, a song came on that has such strong lyrics that I just burst into sobs.   It's a Christian song - a hymn, but it tells the story of how we are not alone.  Here are the some of the words that spoke to me:

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand

Oh, and the photo for the day.  I asked my friend today what she does at home all day.  She showed me these.  She makes cards.  They are actually made of real flowers that she arranges and then copies on a fancy machine.  Aren't they so beautiful?  I just want to reach out and grab the flowers - they look so real to me!

March Photo Challenge Day7: Purple

How timely!

As you may, or may not know, I am a counsellor.  I work for children and youth who have been sexually abused or are confused and acting out sexually.  This week just happens to be STOP the Sexual Exploitation of Youth Week.  It's not really a huge event, but more of a chance to raise awareness for sexual exploitation.  As a result, we are in all the schools and promoting the event... and handing out these purple ribbons!  Actually, they are fuschia, which is a combination of red (awareness of the Red Light District) and purple (anti-violence).  Still, fuschia is close enough to purple.

Lately I've had a HUGE desire to advocate for those who cannot speak up.  Have you heard of the Kony2012 demonstration?  If not, check out the video at this link.

www.kony2012.com (scroll down for the video)

As well as raising awareness of sexual exploitation, I want to raise awareness of the child exploitation that is going on all over the world, particularly in the jungles of the Congo (and previously Uganda) by Joseph Kony and the Lord's Resistance Army (LRA).  He kidnaps children and forces them to join his army and kill their families and other children.  It is just horrific.  I know there are other children around the world who are suffering too (child prostitution, domestic violence) but I want to do what I can to help however I can.

March photo challenge day 6: Challenge

The topic today is challenge.  This is a video I took of our pup the other day.  She is a border collie.  Her border collie traits have been coming out more lately (she's 1 1/2 years old).  She can be pretty chill around the house (which is great!) but sometimes she gets bored and finds ways to amuse herself.  This is one of her "challenges."

In other news, I'm feeling a little blue.  Basically I'm going through a jealous phase of anyone who is pregnant or has a family.   Also, today I feel really hopeless about this cycle and I realized that I will be really sad if AF shows up.  I don't really expect this cycle to work, but I just don't want to face more disappointment... especially right before my birthday.  I was planning to have a party (vintage tea party) but I don't even know if I want to plan something like that now.

Where I live

My dog at the beach

I wanted to post some more pictures of where I live, if only to brag about how much I love this place.  The last two were taken on my iphone on my way to work while I was driving this morning (not a great idea....).  The others have been collected over some time.  Hope you enjoy!  Oh, and let me know if you want to come visit.  I love company!!!

The beach down a trail about 10 minutes from my house

More mountains!

I wish I could describe the splendour of the mountains better.  They were so vibrant today!

The Comox Glacier