HFS... it's going to happen!

Okay, okay, okay.... freaking out even more right now, but in a good way.  Pretty much as soon as I posted my last post the clinic called.  Thank you!!!!

We're going for our first IUI TOMORROW!  Apparently, I am surging now and we are to head to the clinic tomorrow.  I asked about my blood work and the LH levels going down.  The reception lady said that my blood work is slightly different than normal, but that the Dr. reviewed it and believes I am surging.  He also said we should do a little BD tonight too :) 

So here we go.  Now I have a client coming in 10 minutes and I really don't know how I'm going to focus, but I'll try.  Don't know what to do with myself tonight as I'm way too filled with excitement.  Any tips/suggestions??? 

Impatience!

Oh man it sucks to have to wait for blood results.  Especially (as I thought this morning) when a single result could determine a life-changing event.  If/when my LH surges, we will go for an IUI.  If successful, an IUI will bring us a baby.  That is a life changing event.  And it all rides on a single blood results.

Which is why, right now, I am freaking out.  I just called the clinic but they were still waiting for my results.  I checked online (have been every half hour all day pretty much) and the results were there.  However, my LH has dropped!  It is down at 9.5 now!  On Monday, I went for my u/s and it was at 14.4.  The next day was 13.4.  And now it is 9.5.  Does that mean we MISSED THE SURGE?  How is that possible, when the Dr. showed me the follicles on Monday?  Were those extra ones that had not released yet?  Why is my LH dropping?  I don't understand! 

I will be so upset if we miss this chance.  I feel like I've put my life on hold for this one week.  I know I shouldn't do that, but it's hard not to when you want to be monitored and the nearest clinic is 3 HOURS AWAY.  Every day this week, I've been left wondering all day... waiting until 5:00pm to see if I'm going to have to drop everything the next day and make the 3 hour trek.  I was okay with that.  But now, if it is not to happen... I will be majorly pissed off! 

So here I sit, waiting for their phone call.  I have a client to see in about 20 minutes.  Good luck!

And... the anxiety takes over...

Whew!  I am feeling so anxious today!  I haven't felt so jumpy like this for a long time.

I had a bad sleep (lots of hot flashes) and was SO tired this morning.  But I got up and went for my blood work first thing.  When I got home I had a little meltdown.  I'm just tired, and this all seems like so much work.  I'm nervous that my LH surge will happen today and that my eggs won't be fully developed, or my lining thick enough.  I'm googling like crazy to look for ways to delay the surge, or increase the lining in such a short time (it's a hopeless pursuit).  I'm stressed about having to miss work to go to the clinic tomorrow if I do surge today.  I just missed Monday already, though I was at a conference all day Saturday to make up the hours.  It would just be better if it was Thursday or even Friday.  I have to see clients today and I'm not in the head space.  I wish life could just take a break until we get pregnant, haha.

I'm also feeling a tad guilty about the title of my post yesterday and I wanted to clarify.  I'm hoping this is the week that GOD makes us a baby, not just science.  Yes, we're using science to help us achieve this, but I believe that it is God who brings life, and breathes life into every living being.  Without Him as a part of this process, we are lost.  So I wanted to give more credit to Him.  I am trusting in Him to accomplish this.  I am praying.  I even am going to fast this week (give up something in order to spend more time with Him, reading my Bible and praying).  I truly believe that He has the power to do this, and I will petition Him until it happens!

***Update***

Got my LH blood results.  My LH went down from 14.4 to 13.4.  Not sure what that means (thought it was supposed to keep rising), but the clinic called and told me to go in tomorrow for more blood work and we'll see from there.  Whew!  So glad I don't have to go tomorrow.  I also have a dentist appointment that I keep changing and they wouldn't be happy to have me cancel at the last minute.  I am super stressed and tired still... but I am heading to yoga and hoping for some happy down time.  

The week that science makes us a baby

Woo hoo!  The week is finally here.  The week that science will make us a baby (here's to positive thinking).  We had a great day today and I'll tell you all about it.

It started early, as DH and I got up and headed to the lab to get my blood work done.  Then we made the 3 hour trek to the city.  We got there early, so took the dog to the park for a walk (it was a cold, but gorgeous sunny day).  DH dropped me off at the clinic and went to go look at guitars (haha, what a guy... but I had given him permission since he didn't really need to be there).  I had a great CD10 check-up.  Here's the scoop:

I have a grand total of FOUR follies nicely developing (3 in the left ovary and 1 in the right, I think)!  Woo hoo!  They were all about 15-16mm, which is right on track.  So there's no problem there and (thankfully) no cysts to get in the way.  My uterine lining is a bit thin, but the Dr. said at this point that's common on clomid.  They could give me estrogen to thicken it up, but my estrogen is already high and that causes the risk of releasing the eggs prematurely.  So, basically I'm good to go!  It is such a relief.  I was so glad we made the trek and have the peace of mind to go along with this cycle.  The Dr. did mention that there is a risk of multiples and asked if I was okay to go ahead.  FOR SURE!  Even DH would love to have more than one at this point in time.  Now 3-4 is not quite what we're hoping for, but we'll take whatever God sends our way.

The Dr. asked me to start going for blood work on Wednesday (CD12) but then they got my blood results after I left and called me to go tomorrow just in case.  I checked my results online and my LH is 14.7.  I think after 15 is when it starts to surge?  I am a bit worried that it will surge before the eggs are fully ready and my lining is thick enough.  Anyone have any tips on that?  Also my estriadol is super high again (over 4000).  I asked the Dr. about it, but he said not to worry...  So I won't worry.

All in all, I am super glad we went, and super excited about what this week brings.  We have lots of people praying for us (well, our close friends and family) and things are looking good.  Of course, there is still a huge chance it won't work, but I'm still hopeful to try something new.  We spent the rest of the day shopping, going out for lunch, and taking a nice walk on the beach with our pup.  Then made the 3-hour drive back, and here we are.  Whew!

Thanks for all your support.  It is SO nice to log in and know that there are others in the same boat and cheering us on.  I'll keep you all posted!

Day 10

I'm at the fertility clinic today and things are looking good! I will write more when I get home later. Yay! This month is a go.

Superstitious

I'm not superstitious at all.  Sometimes I almost wish I were more, but I'm not.  However, last night we were out for dinner with some church folk, all of whom were minimum 60 years older than us, and a superstition came up that I would like to believe.  We were having tea and coffee after the dinner and the host brought out the teapot.  She poured some for herself and then handed me the pot.  She then said, "Now I'm not superstitious so I'll let you pour your own tea."  I had no idea what she was talking about, and she explained that there was a superstition that if you pour tea in someone else's house, you are bringing a baby into your own house.  To be more exact (I googled), the superstition says that when two women are having tea together, the second one to pour from the pot will become pregnant and have a red-haired baby.  Beware!  Haha!  We all laughed, but secretly I hoped the tradition was true!  Except for the red-haired baby... with a Korean husband with the dominant gene being dark hair, I don't think that will happen (and no redheads in my family).

In other news, I was at a conference today and the speaker was Dr. Gabor Mate.  Have you heard of him?    He is a doctor who has written several famous books and addresses all sorts of topics on wellness, including addictions, ADHD, auto-immune disorders, etc.  Today he was speaking about kids with ADHD and was bang on.  I really love his approach!  Probably his most famous book is called Hold Onto Your Kids, and was written along with Gordon Neufeld (an expert in child development).  I bring him up because he has a book I have not read but really want to now.  It is called "When the Body Says No - The cost of hidden stress."  He has some interesting ideas on health and I'm curious to see if he mentions infertility at all.  They always say stress is such a factor, and I am always on a personal quest to live more stress-free.  Has anyone read this book?  Thoughts?

Sick day :(

I'm too tired to post much of anything... I may even postpone my comments for ICLW until tomorrow.  I'm home sick today. :( Pout pout.  It's my day off too!  It still was a nice day, but we have to go out to the church dinner tonight and I am so not looking forward to it.  I want to bury my body in a blanket on the couch by the fire.  Instead, I cooked up a vegetable dish for tonight and have to get dressed up now.  Oh well.  Tomorrow I'm off to a conference all day so I really hope I'm feeling better!

On clomid

But of course...

I had a revelation today.  Yesterday was day 3 of clomid.  I don't know what it is about the 3rd clomid pills, but they get me EVERY TIME.  I've been doing some minimal note-taking of symptoms and things to do with my cycle.  And almost every single time I take clomid, I have a huge emotional crash on the 3rd pill day (CD5).  Weird.

Has anyone else had one crazy plummeting day?  Or do you feel the effects of clomid through your whole cycle?  Also, has anyone experienced weight gain on clomid?  I know some of the other drugs and injectibles lead to weight gain.  I haven't heard of it with clomid, but this is my 6th round and I have definitely packed on more pounds than when I started.  Connection?

At least we have each other

I know I already posted today but I just needed to again.  I am sad tonight. 

Work was tough today...  little kids should not have to go through some of the horrible things they go through.  That put me in a funk to start. 

I was planning to go to the gym this evening, but really am not up for it.  I started thinking, and the thing I really feel like doing is calling up a friend and grabbing a cup of tea or something.  I then realized that I have absolutely NO ONE to call.  Not one friend to just call up out of the blue.  Sure, there are people I could call... most of them have kids and will be putting them to bed and unable to pick up and leave.  The rest are kids that I could have babysat growing up, or church members that are like 40 years older than us.  I don't have any peer friends who are safe to get together with right now.  That sucks.  Like that sucks so much! 

The other sad thing is the loss of Mo's precious baby Nadav.  There's a lot of blog love going around for them!  I guess I am super encouraged to see the amount of support and love being sent their way from the ALI community.  I am actually shocked by it.  It has made me appreciate, even more, the people who have come into my life through these blogs.  Though I have not met any of you face-to-face, you have been such an important part of my life and my journey.  I can't imagine how lonely I would feel right now without you.  I wish we all had the kind of support that we find here in our real lives, but if we don't, I'm so glad we have each other.

To share, or not to share...

As promised, I wanted to share a bit about my dear husband (DH) and our relationship, and how it relates to this blog.  It is actually quite a timely post (but more about that later).

When I first started this blog, I was struggling quite a lot and DH and I were not at the same place.  It was hard and I really felt all alone.  I had also not really discovered the ALI community and how supportive it can be.  I think there were times when I let this blog be a vent for my feelings towards my husband.  I was trying to look back to find an example, but I couldn't, so maybe I didn't vent as much as I felt like I did.  I think the harder times were before I started this blog, and DH was not as "urgent" about the process of having a baby as I was. 

Anyways, there have been many times I have wanted to share what I write with my husband.  But he doesn't want to hear it.  At first it was because during the times I was really struggling, he hated to see me sad and down.  I think he felt like reading my downer thoughts would bring him down too, or make him more upset that I was not doing okay.  I still tried to communicate my thoughts to him but, as a few of you have mentioned, sometimes that is easier in writing (as opposed to sitting on the bed bawling with snot running down your face, trying to get some words out).

Lately, I have extended the offer for DH to read my posts but he says he doesn't want to.  His reply is, "No, this is your space and I want to respect your privacy."  I'm not sure if he thinks this a complete bitch-fest against him and he's worried to read (haha, jk) or if he still finds it too hard to face.

Today I had a bit of an answer to that question.

It all started yesterday when I made reference to the fact that we have to make the 3 hour drive for a check-up U/S on Monday.  We had already discussed this and DH did not oppose at the time.  However, yesterday he all of a sudden acted like it was the first he had heard of it, and came out with the fact that he had not approved of me going for the baseline U/S in the first place, etc. etc.  It turned into an ugly battle.

This morning we talked about it again on the way to work.  I was trying to be as neutral and outside of the problem as possible, to figure out what was going on.  Was it a communication breakdown?  Was it major difference in opinions?  Was it sadness?  Was it feeling not supported?

It turns out, that in actuality, DH is having a really, really, really hard time with it right now.  I think more than ever in our journey so far, he is struggling.  Lately he has been noticing how much the world (and our community especially) is geared towards young families and kids.  Every child is suddenly in his scope of vision.  Every dumb parent's actions are magnified.  Really, he is grieving in a huge way (and, for the first time, openly).

The only problem is this.  DH described that in his brain is one large file folder that contains all his problems.  They are not compartmentalized.  All of them are lumped together.  Lately, he has been under a lot of stress at work with the church.  There is stress in our extended family (both sides).  There is stress in our marriage because of everything.  All this stress is being lumped together and it is hard for him to distinguish which feelings go with which problem.  And so... what happens is he lets out his feelings about his church problem, for example, but addresses it towards me and what is going on with our fertility.  Sure, some of the feelings cross over.  But there is so much emotion in him, he can't properly channel it.  Thus, I end up getting the brunt end of things because he feels more comfortable with sharing his feelings with me, than the other people who are causing his problems.

So you can see why this blog has remained more "private," for lack of a better word.  I would love for DH to read and see my perspective on things.  I think it would actually help provide him with some hope because things never seem as bad once they have been expressed in words.  But he can't.  Not right now.

I'm not really sure why I needed to share that, but I really wanted to.  I'm not looking for pity... now that I can see what is going on, I feel much more understanding of his words towards me (though in the moment it is sometimes hard to hold back the tears).  I guess I share, because I feel there must be others out there who need to hear this.  I hear lots of great things about husbands supporting their ladies through the IF journey.  And don't get me wrong... DH has been INCREDIBLY supportive during some of my most tough times.  But I think that guys grieve very differently than girls.  There are probably many more suffering guys out there than we even see.  I would love to hear more of their stories!  DH said today that he suffers in silence.  Yes, partially it is because he doesn't let others know about his burdens (which is true of most guys).  Yes, there are things that he could do to communicate more openly with me so that these fights could be avoided.  Yes, we could both use some support and a counsellor would probably be a very good idea for us...

But this is where he is at.  This is his journey.  It's not my job to come in and make a plan and get him out of this space...  For now, I need to just be there with him. 

Just wondering...

...So I'm just curious... how many of you bloggers let your dear husbands read your blog?

Is it your private space, or do you openly share all your deepest thoughts about IF  with him?  And if you do share, how does he respond?

Just wondering...

The "What IFs" of an IF's Journey

I couldn't figure out how to start this post, and so I will just start.

Lately it seems to me that the IF community has been pretty "active," for lack of a better word.  I do not mean an increase in bloggers (though that may be possible but I have no way of knowing).  What I mean is that there are not many people left who are just waiting while they TTC.  A lot of the bloggers I follow have recently become pregnant (hooray!!!!).  At the same time, there are a few bloggers who have recently lost babies along the way, and I can't imagine how sad that would be.  

All of this has got me to thinking... what if?  What IF our IUI were to magically (or miraculously) work and we were one of the lucky ones to cross over to the other side?  After all that we've been through, what if it just happened?

Of course, my first answer to that question is that I would be extremely happy/excited/relieved/freaked out/overjoyed, etc.  And that is what I hope any new mom-to-be should feel.  But for those of us who have struggled through IF, it is not that simple.  I really don't know what it would be like!

Now let me disclaim this by saying this is all speculation and so I could be horribly wrong.  I feel worried that IF I were to get pregnant, I would cross over to the other side and be so caught up in the joy that I would forget the journey that brought me there.  I'm scared that I would post my baby updates on Facebook, and excitedly enjoy a baby shower, and that my life would become overrun with "baby" stuff.  I'm scared that I would slowly, but surely be drawn into the regular "mom" stuff that I now complain about, and that makes me cry and tear my hair out.  I'm scared that I would be drawn into all the things that I declared I would never do.  

I know that being excited about being a new mom is not wrong.

I know that I want to let myself be happy and joyful and excited IF I become pregnant.

I know that I don't judge fellow IF'ers for their excitement about having a BFP (honestly, it gives me hope that it could happen for us too!).

But, at the same time, I don't want to lose all that I have become.  

It's not that I like what I have become.  I guess I feel that I can't go back.  I can't go back to the naivety that I possessed 5 years ago.  I can't put on a smile and pretend it never happened.  I can't say that I don't want to.   I would LOVE to erase time and go back and have things happen according to the plan I had in my head.  But I can't.  I am still grieving.  And I feel like I always will be...  

As I write this and try to make sense of my thoughts, I wonder if it has something to do with public acknowledgment.  I don't want to be treated like most newly pregnant-with-their-first-moms are treated (and yet deep down that desire to be treated that way is so strong too).  I don't look forward to answering everybody's questions about when I'm due, how sick I'm feeling, if I'm going to find out it's a boy or girl...etc.   I will tell the people I know and am friends with all that stuff.  I guess I just don't like the idea of everybody else joining in on our journey, when they were never with us through the hardest parts.  I just wish there was a way that everyone who looked at me - who looked at US, who struggle with IF - could see the battle scars.  I wish they could see how much we have been through to attain our dreams.  I wish there could be an appreciation and sensitivity to the struggle instead of being lumped into the same boat as all the others.  

I don't even know if that's how it will be.  

I just know that when/IF I cross over, I will STILL be a bag of mixed emotions.  The IF journey is not over just because a baby comes along.  

CD2 Baseline ultrasound

Well, I drove a total of 6 hours today, for a 20 minute appointment that didn't really "help" out that much, except to put my mind (somewhat) at ease.  It was a long day, and I'll keep this short for now because I'm exhausted and have a conference to head to tomorrow morning.  I arrived at the clinic on time and was taken to the "other" waiting room (the first one we went to is for first appointments and this was the area where the real work is done).  Had to put little booties over my shoes to avoid tracking anything in.  Got shuffled off to a room, undressed, and waited for the doctor to come in.  

He didn't really ask much, but got right to work.  A CD2 transvaginal u/s is kind of gross... especially when you're a heavy bleeder like me... but it's his job.  Unfortunately I got a view of the wand when he pulled it out, and that image is now in my mind - yuck!  (Sorry for all the info, but I know it's helpful to know both the good and bad sometimes).  He spent quite a bit of time looking around.  Found my uterus just fine and it looked well.  Found one ovary and said he thought it looked good.  Then he could not find my other ovary (this is the 3rd time that's happened).  He poked and prodded inside of me while pushing on my abdomen with his other hand.  It wasn't necessarily comfortable, but not actually painful.  Just not a normal kind of feeling.  Eventually he gave up and tried a belly ultrasound.  I don't know if he ever got a full view of the ovary (I had no idea what he was looking at), but he said things looked fine and that I should go ahead with the protocol.  He also wants to see me next Monday again (CD10) because he said we'll be able to see the ovaries better since they will be stimulated, and we can make sure everything is fine.  That means another 6-hour trip, and then a repeat a few days later when I ovulate too for the IUI.  Oh well.  At this point in time, I don't care how much work I miss.  I'm so invested and just need to make this happen.  

Anyways, that was that.  In and out in 20 minutes.  No questions answered.  He commented that it was strange that I surged so early last cycle.  That's another reason he wants to see me next week.  

So, my mom (who came with me for the drive) and I poked around a bit, had lunch, had a nice walk in the park, and then drove home.  Made it back at 5:00 and had Bible study at our house at 7:00.  Now I'm tucked into bed.  I don't think the trip was helpful, but I just wanted this cycle to be as thorough as possible and I feel I've done my due diligence in making sure we're starting everything off good.  Still feeling pretty hopeful.

I've got a great post in my mind right now, but tonight is not the time for writing it.... so stay tuned for some thoughts on the "What Ifs of Crossing Over.....  to the Preggers side"  Post to come soon!

Game time!

Wahoo!  AF arrived this morning (never thought I'd be wahoo-ing for that).  It was quite timely, actually, so I called the clinic first thing and they have me scheduled tomorrow at 10am for my baseline u/s.  I wasn't sure I'd be able to do it, but it would be really great to start this cycle knowing everything is okay.  DH won't be able to come (sad) but my mom is going to make the 3-hour drive with me.  Then we can have lunch and do some shopping.  Yay!  I'll have to work extra hard to take care of myself this cycle.  No more coffee (I was trying to give it up but gave in and had a couple this week).  No alcohol.  Light exercise.  No extra commitments that cause stress (as soon as this baby shower is over).  Lots of sleep.  Any other suggestions?

I don't even mind the baby shower or the fact that AF showed up today (a little ironic) because I'm excited to give this a go finally.  I feel really hopeful about IUI.  Maybe the first time won't work... but I think we have good chances overall.  And there's been so many bloggers lately who have had their BFP.  Hope is in the air!

Tag... you're it!

Seems the tag game is in town (not sure what else to call it).  So here's my shot at it.


Here are the rules: 
1 - Post the rules
2 - Post 12 things about yourself
3 - Answer the 12 questions from the person who tagged you.
4 - Create 12 new questions for the people you tag. 
5 - Tag 12 people and link them to your post.
6 - Let them know that you tagged them.


I'll skip the 12 things about myself... you can read my bio if you're interested.  My questions are taken from http://crossingmyfingersbutnotmylegs.blogspot.com/  


1. How did you get into the field/profession that you work in?
I sort of ended up in the field of counselling without meaning to.  In my undergrad I went to a Bible school and the only degree that was not for doing actual church ministry (like being a pastor) was counselling.  I decided I'd take it.  After I graduated, I had no intentions becoming a "counsellor" (who sits in a room behind a desk and talks to individuals all day long) but was interested in social services types of work.  At one of my jobs, I saw some counsellors in action and thought that I would like to learn more.  So I decided to pursue my Master's.  Even while in school I questioned whether this is what I want to really do, but I enjoyed the studies.  Now I'm starting off in the field and we'll see where it goes.  I love the work I do with youth and kids but it can be draining and I'm not sure I could do it full-time forever.  

2. Favorite 80s/90s movie of all time.
I love all kids movies from the 80s.  They are just so full of magic and imagination like you don't see today.  Growing up, I loved Flight of the Navigator, ET, and the Goonies.  

3. If you were an actress and could have any role, what would it be and why?
I used to dream of being an actress.  I love romance stories.  I love musicals.  I would love to play the role of Satine in Moulin Rouge.

4. Do you know the way to San Jose? If you do, please give us directions. If you don't, give us directions to somewhere else.
Never been to San Jose.  But to get to my house from there, drive north.  Keep driving north.  When you get across the border, head to the ocean and take a boat to the beautiful Vancouver Island.  You'll find me here!



5. What is your favorite season and why?
Spring.  I was born in spring and it holds special meaning for me.  I love cherry blossoms, daffodils, tulips and hyacinths.  Also on the West Coast we get some of the earliest springs in the world.  My daffodils are almost blooming already!  

6. Ice cream or snocones? Why and what is your favorite flavor?
I used to love chocolate chip mint ice cream, but I'm not as much a fan of dairy these days.  I'd probably choose a slurpee (that's close to a snowcone, right?) over ice cream if I had the choice.  Oooh, but a slurpee combined WITH ice cream... mmm!

7. Favorite book of all times...both as a child and an adult.
The Emily of New Moon series.  

8. What makes you happiest?
A warm cup of tea.

9. Reality tv: good or bad? Why?
Blech.  Can't stand it!  It's not reality, it's people with big egos trying to get a moment of fame, and audiences exploiting others by peering in on stuff that's none of their business.

10. Favorite meal of all time.
Tacos.  A favorite as long as I can remember.

11. The chicken or the egg?
I don't know why, but this question makes me a bit mad, haha.  I think I don't like arguing for the sake of arguing and this question is often used for that purpsoe.  


There you have it.  That's me in a nutshell.  I see a lot of people have already been tagged, so feel free to tag yourself and join in the fun!  Thanks for bearing with me.   

Baby shower blues

I'm not sure what I have gotten myself into.  Tomorrow I am HOSTING a baby shower for my friend J.  I  don't really know how it happened.  I was approached by some ladies at church who wanted to do a shower for her.  Since I'm her friend, I became the hub of information.  Somewhere along the way, I offered to have it at my house (I must have been in a crazy mood to even suggest that idea!).  It was going to be on a Sunday before we have a big group over for Bible study, so I figured a few more people beforehand wouldn't be so bad.  Then Sunday didn't work and it ended up moving to Saturday.  Then more people were invited.  Then everyone started asking me about gifts, food, etc.  There are a few other ladies helping with the plans, but since it's at my house, I seem to be the "one" in charge.  

It shouldn't be so bad.  It's a drop-in at 3:00.  There will be food and gifts, and that's it.  No games.  I absolutely abhor baby shower games (sorry if you love them)!  I actually abhor most gatherings of only girls.  If we have a baby, I will totally do a co-ed party, and NOT a baby shower.

Anyways, I should survive.  I was trying to plan some excuse and give our house keys to someone else and then run away for a few hours.  But it should be alright.

Expecting AF to arrive any time now.  I wasn't having any symptoms, and then this afternoon it seemed that my hormones plummeted and I got super cranky.  Then I cried.  Now I'm eating chocolate.  She should definitely be around soon.

Brightness

Not much going on at this front.  Waiting for AF to arrive (seems to be the thing I'm always doing....).
Funny little story I thought you'd like...On the drive to work this morning, DH (out of nowhere) excitedly blurts out: "I can't wait until we get to go to Victoria and let science make our baby!"  Haha!  I laughed pretty hard.  Hope that adds some brightness to your day too :)

1000th page view!

What a day of milestones.  My blog just hit its1000th pageview.  Thanks to those who have followed and checked up on me from time to time.  I read a blog the other day (can't remember where) about how blogging is like writing in a journal, except there are others to read and to say, "me too!"  It brings people together and all helps us know we're not alone.

So thank you!

100th Extravaganza!

Today's post it a little bit special.  It is my 100th blog post!  I don't have much to celebrate or mark the occasion with, but I thought I'd share a few other blogs that I really enjoy reading.  These are not IF blogs, but other places I like to hang out when I'm looking for some inspiration.  Hope you enjoy!

Homegrown Happy is the blog that gave me the inspiration for my blog name.  She doesn't post too much lately, but there are some great older posts in there if you don't mind looking back.

A Beach Cottage is a lovely blog by a writer in Australia.  She perfects the art of coastal living and white rooms.  Sigh.  I just feel so peaceful when I read her blog.

This fantastic couple at Mr and Mrs Globe Trot decided to travel the world for a year after they were married (maybe not a full year, but they certainly made their way around).  They are photographers and documented there whole journey here.

I love looking for inspiration on healthy cooking at The Whole Life Nutrition.

And I pretty much check this blog daily.  A Cup of Jo is written by a New York new mom and full of great ideas and links around the web. 


French Press Knits offers lots of suggestions of great knitting projects.  My list of projects is too long, and just keeps growing...

Finally, the writer at this blog is just incredible!  I can't believe her sense of organization and home style.  She will really blow her mind.  Check out her "pantry" to see what I mean.

Hope you have a nice time reading! 

I'll show you a little bit of what my day looked like today:

Morning walk to the beach with the dog

Leisurely brunch

Afternoon baking

Hope your day was enjoyable too!

Stress abounds

I don't know why, but I had such an emotional, overwhelming day today.  It was supposed to be a good day, with a financial meeting in the morning and then my naturopathic appointment followed by a massage.  Well the meeting went WAY longer than I anticipated.  It didn't help having to talk about RRSPs and where we plan to be 35 years from now.  Clearly, where we "want" to be isn't as easy as we had hoped, so worrying if we'll have enough money does not seem to help. 

Then I went to my ND and the appointment just wasn't that helpful.  She was worried when she saw how high my estrogen levels were last ovulation (over 4000).  That got me thinking about the risks of other diseases like cancer and wondering if these fertility treatments/drugs have been really studied for long-term effects.  Am I just opening myself up to higher risk in the long run?  Is a baby really worth that?  Should we just give up trying and wait for something to happen naturally.  We talked about my stomach issues and she's convinced it's food allergies.  Well in the midst of fertility treatments, who has an extra $350 to spend on finding out what the allergy is?  So, my only option is to suffer through until I can do more testing (or continue eliminating foods to try to isolate which it is... which I find really hard to do).  And we talked about weight loss, but she said it's doubtful that will happen while I'm on the fertility drugs.  So, yay!  Pretty much nothing can be done.  I just need to conceive a darn baby and then I can focus on all the other issues in my life.  Hooray!

After that I went for a massage.  That was good.  I was pretty much shaking from the stress of the day and having to rush all around since that first appointment was late.  I had a good massage, and she did a bit of an abdomen massage and we talked about my stomach stuff.  She told me her story of giving up coffee completely and all of her unexplained stomach problems went away.  That's one thing I can try (as much as I'll miss a nice cup of fresh brewed espresso now and then).  It's definitely worth a shot.  When I came home from the massage and getting some groceries, though, I just felt a bit sickish and went to lie down.  I slept for almost 2 hours!  And then when I woke up, I was feeling a bit woozy, and my neck was sore and my stomach felt in knots.  I know that I am slightly sensitive to treatments that release toxins (like massage, chiropractor).  I also hadn't drank enough water.  I think the abdomen massage was just too much (even though she just did a light one), because I still feel like crap. 

I guess I am just fed up with it all today.  They tell us not to be stressed and relax... but that is pretty near impossible with all the "things" you have to do to maintain health and prepare your body to be ready for a baby.  Throw in the crazy whack of hormones, and you're a lost cause!  Maybe we're not supposed to manipulate everything like we try to do.  Maybe we're not supposed to have a baby in our lives.  Maybe we should just give up and become an old miser couple together... 

I don't want to be so stressed.  Lately, no matter what I do, or how hard I try to care for myself, I just can't seem to get it. 

Good news

I spoke with the clinic after they took my message to the doctor.  And hooray!  The doctor IS willing to monitor me, if I am willing to make the 3 hour drive for check-up appointments.  I think I will just try to make it work.  At first she said that he would like me to come in on CD13 to check how I am progressing.  After we talked a bit about my early ovulation, she said I could also come in on CD1, 2 or 3 for a baseline ultrasound as well.  If I stay on course this cycle, that just might work!  I would prefer to do that, since I apparently ovulated super early anyways.  The Dr. said that the pains I have been having were likely to do with ovulation, but that doesn't make sense if I ovulated on CD9.  By CD14, it should have been done.  I think I will take them up on the offer.  I would rather go through this with as much information about what's going on in there as possible. 

Grrr!

I'm feeling a little bit "grr" today.  I called the Fertility Clinic this morning to ask them some questions.  After explaining who I was, the girl clued in about my situation this month and reminded me AGAIN to make sure to call the clinic on the days I do bloodwork.  That was not necessary. 

Anyways, I wanted to ask them about the pains I have been having on clomid.  Usually, right around day 14 (whether I surge early or not), I have a lot of pain in my abdomen.  And it's been growing.  It feels like my whole abdomen is inflammed.  It's not just bloated, but a different kind of pain.  DH came to give me a hug the other day and that was even painful.  I am worried that it could be overstimulated ovaries or something like that.  So I wanted to let the doctor know.  Also, I wanted to ask about my early ovulation and if that could be a problem in TTC.  What if my lining is not fully developed at ovulation?  What if my eggs are leaving prematuraly?  These are important aspects, I would think, of a journey of infertility.  I asked if the clinic does U/S monitoring of uterine lining levels and follicles, etc.  The girl said that they do, but because I'm from out of town, I am doing self-monitoring.  I don't see why I couldn't just go for an U/S here, but she said that they use a special U/S machine (probably the vaginal speculum).  So, anyways, she agreed to write down my questions and pass them on to my doctor.  It wasn't really helpful and I'm feeling frustrated about the process.  I feel like I need an advocate - someone on my side as I navigate through this process.  It is tough.  I wish I lived closer to the clinic, and could go in for regular monitoring.  I wish I didn't have to work, and could take weeks off to go stay near the clinic, if it really would help.  I wish the doctors and offices here were more supportive.  But it's not the way it is for me.  I just feel like we could be wasting precious time here.  Sigh.

So I'll wait for a reply (maybe) from the doctor.  I am scheduled to see my ND this week, which will be good.  She knows a lot about feminine hormones and stuff.  I also want to get on top of feeling "better" in general.  I'm sick of feeling sick all the time.  It's only day 18, so a while to go before we start the cycle again...  Trying my best to enjoy day-by-day... 

Vaycay

Back at home.  We had a nice time away.  It was nice to just stop everything, and just be.  Actually, we both were feeling pretty sick.  I don't really remember doing much yesterday except sleeping lots.  Took the dog for a walk in the morning and then went back to bed.  Had some lunch, and then napped some more.  Took the dog for a walk and then went out for dinner.  Cuddled up with a movie and then back to bed.  I guess we really needed the rest.

I asked DH if he had a nice time.  He said something that was interesting.  He said that he realizes that for me to really come down and truly relax, I need to leave the house.  At the house, I'll always find something to do.  When I am away I can let myself just be.  It's so true.

We didn't really talk about much, except for the drive home.  It was kind of like we gave ourselves permission not to stress over anything while we were away.  As soon as we were in the car driving home, we started to talk about DH's job and church stuff.  And then I suddenly started thinking about our infertility and started crying (I hadn't cried all weekend, it was quite out of the blue).  I asked DH if he thought our infertility had brought us together or pulled us apart.  He said neither.  He said that we are both dealing with it in different ways right now, and so we're not quite on the same page... but it doesn't mean we're being pulled apart.  I think he's right.  Sometimes I wish he really understood where I was at, but he doesn't always.  Sure, I can tell him but he won't ever fully get it... get me.  And I think that is okay.  As I'm writing this, I think of a blog post over at Hapa Hopes about going for an IUI and her feelings of disappointment.  I have to say, I have felt like her at times.  Like she says, I too have felt like a B*&$h for being mad at DH and having no clue why he couldn't do something that I saw as so simple.  I used to feel so guilty about it, but lately know that I'm not always prepared to deal with what my DH is going through, especially if I don't know what he is going through!  I don't know what the answer is, or if there is one.  Sure, we could work on communication, but even that wouldn't solve everything.  There are some things that we just won't see eye to eye on, or be able to fully 100% support each other in. 

We also talked about how this time in our lives sucks simply because we're all alone.  I feel like we are stuck, like everyone else has moved forward and we're still in the same place as we were when we got married 6 years ago.  Almost all of the couples our age (and younger!) have kids.  We are in the same stage of life as people nearly 10 years younger than us who are newly married, or so it seems.  There isn't really a place for people in our situation, at least not where we live right now. 

Anyways, lots of food for thought.  I wanted to share a few photos of our time and the beauty that surrounded us (even though it was cloudy and foggy the whole time... at least it didn't rain).  If anyone ever wants to see some of the most amazing beauty you'll ever see, come to Vancouver Island.  You're welcome to call me up!

Get-a-way...

We are off to a little cabin suite by a lake for the weekend (leaving tomorrow).  I am so excited.  I don't think we've been away or had a vacation since September, and that was just 2 nights also.  We both are tired and weary.  I want to sleep, to read, to knit and not do much else.  I'll  try not to think about exercising or what I eat.  I think I'll even drink some wine.  This couldn't have come at a better time. 

I'm still doing alright.  I'm a bit bummed, but resigned to the fact that this is not our month.  Even DH said that he has no hopes and just can't wait for this month to be over so that we can try again next time.  It sucks, but there isn't really much else to worry about.  It's a bit strange because the clomid did not have the same effect on me this month as it has in the past.  First, I ovulated early.  Secondly, I was barely grumpy or emotional like I normally am.  And thirdly, I did not have terrible ovulation cramps like the previous times.  Does this mean it's no longer working as well?  I hope not! 

Work has been tough the last little while and all of a sudden my life feels really busy.  I hope this refresher helps put things back in perspective and gives us a bit of life as we head into whatever lies ahead.