Lately it seems to me that the IF community has been pretty "active," for lack of a better word. I do not mean an increase in bloggers (though that may be possible but I have no way of knowing). What I mean is that there are not many people left who are just waiting while they TTC. A lot of the bloggers I follow have recently become pregnant (hooray!!!!). At the same time, there are a few bloggers who have recently lost babies along the way, and I can't imagine how sad that would be.
All of this has got me to thinking... what if? What IF our IUI were to magically (or miraculously) work and we were one of the lucky ones to cross over to the other side? After all that we've been through, what if it just happened?
Of course, my first answer to that question is that I would be extremely happy/excited/relieved/freaked out/overjoyed, etc. And that is what I hope any new mom-to-be should feel. But for those of us who have struggled through IF, it is not that simple. I really don't know what it would be like!
Now let me disclaim this by saying this is all speculation and so I could be horribly wrong. I feel worried that IF I were to get pregnant, I would cross over to the other side and be so caught up in the joy that I would forget the journey that brought me there. I'm scared that I would post my baby updates on Facebook, and excitedly enjoy a baby shower, and that my life would become overrun with "baby" stuff. I'm scared that I would slowly, but surely be drawn into the regular "mom" stuff that I now complain about, and that makes me cry and tear my hair out. I'm scared that I would be drawn into all the things that I declared I would never do.
I know that being excited about being a new mom is not wrong.
I know that I want to let myself be happy and joyful and excited IF I become pregnant.
I know that I don't judge fellow IF'ers for their excitement about having a BFP (honestly, it gives me hope that it could happen for us too!).
But, at the same time, I don't want to lose all that I have become.
It's not that I like what I have become. I guess I feel that I can't go back. I can't go back to the naivety that I possessed 5 years ago. I can't put on a smile and pretend it never happened. I can't say that I don't want to. I would LOVE to erase time and go back and have things happen according to the plan I had in my head. But I can't. I am still grieving. And I feel like I always will be...
As I write this and try to make sense of my thoughts, I wonder if it has something to do with public acknowledgment. I don't want to be treated like most newly pregnant-with-their-first-moms are treated (and yet deep down that desire to be treated that way is so strong too). I don't look forward to answering everybody's questions about when I'm due, how sick I'm feeling, if I'm going to find out it's a boy or girl...etc. I will tell the people I know and am friends with all that stuff. I guess I just don't like the idea of everybody else joining in on our journey, when they were never with us through the hardest parts. I just wish there was a way that everyone who looked at me - who looked at US, who struggle with IF - could see the battle scars. I wish they could see how much we have been through to attain our dreams. I wish there could be an appreciation and sensitivity to the struggle instead of being lumped into the same boat as all the others.
I don't even know if that's how it will be.
I just know that when/IF I cross over, I will STILL be a bag of mixed emotions. The IF journey is not over just because a baby comes along.
I don't think you would get drawn into the regular obnoxious "mom" stuff. You are changed by this experience, it doesn't just get erased. You can be drawn in as much as you want to be.
ReplyDeleteI'm planning on telling people that our pregnancy took longer and more work than theirs. HA! Like, oh, it took you six months off birth control to get pregnant, wah wah. Maybe I won't say it like that, or maybe I will!! Who knows??
I've tentatively crossed to the *other side*. But I'm still a bag of conflicted emotions. Being in the ALI community makes me hyper aware of how risky and uncertain pregnancy is. At first it was all searching-overstock-for-baby-furniture-and-maybe-I-could-call-my-mom bliss, then it was ... oh shit this is still just as scary and uncertain as the rest of this process... etc.
Speaking as someone who has "crossed over," I have not nor will I forget where I came from or the wonderful people who struggled along with me and supported me as I supported them during their struggles, some of whom I still do support.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I was a "normal" mommy to be, seeing as there were still people I work with at the hospital who didn't know I was pregnant when I was 37 weeks and in the L&D unit. I don't think I'm just all mommy all the time, but babies do take up a lot of your time.
It took me almost 4 years to get pregnant and A LOT of help from modern medicine. It was worth it all, but I definitely worked for this baby. IF definitely poses a lot of "what if's"
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.