Stress abounds

I don't know why, but I had such an emotional, overwhelming day today.  It was supposed to be a good day, with a financial meeting in the morning and then my naturopathic appointment followed by a massage.  Well the meeting went WAY longer than I anticipated.  It didn't help having to talk about RRSPs and where we plan to be 35 years from now.  Clearly, where we "want" to be isn't as easy as we had hoped, so worrying if we'll have enough money does not seem to help. 

Then I went to my ND and the appointment just wasn't that helpful.  She was worried when she saw how high my estrogen levels were last ovulation (over 4000).  That got me thinking about the risks of other diseases like cancer and wondering if these fertility treatments/drugs have been really studied for long-term effects.  Am I just opening myself up to higher risk in the long run?  Is a baby really worth that?  Should we just give up trying and wait for something to happen naturally.  We talked about my stomach issues and she's convinced it's food allergies.  Well in the midst of fertility treatments, who has an extra $350 to spend on finding out what the allergy is?  So, my only option is to suffer through until I can do more testing (or continue eliminating foods to try to isolate which it is... which I find really hard to do).  And we talked about weight loss, but she said it's doubtful that will happen while I'm on the fertility drugs.  So, yay!  Pretty much nothing can be done.  I just need to conceive a darn baby and then I can focus on all the other issues in my life.  Hooray!

After that I went for a massage.  That was good.  I was pretty much shaking from the stress of the day and having to rush all around since that first appointment was late.  I had a good massage, and she did a bit of an abdomen massage and we talked about my stomach stuff.  She told me her story of giving up coffee completely and all of her unexplained stomach problems went away.  That's one thing I can try (as much as I'll miss a nice cup of fresh brewed espresso now and then).  It's definitely worth a shot.  When I came home from the massage and getting some groceries, though, I just felt a bit sickish and went to lie down.  I slept for almost 2 hours!  And then when I woke up, I was feeling a bit woozy, and my neck was sore and my stomach felt in knots.  I know that I am slightly sensitive to treatments that release toxins (like massage, chiropractor).  I also hadn't drank enough water.  I think the abdomen massage was just too much (even though she just did a light one), because I still feel like crap. 

I guess I am just fed up with it all today.  They tell us not to be stressed and relax... but that is pretty near impossible with all the "things" you have to do to maintain health and prepare your body to be ready for a baby.  Throw in the crazy whack of hormones, and you're a lost cause!  Maybe we're not supposed to manipulate everything like we try to do.  Maybe we're not supposed to have a baby in our lives.  Maybe we should just give up and become an old miser couple together... 

I don't want to be so stressed.  Lately, no matter what I do, or how hard I try to care for myself, I just can't seem to get it.