D1PIUI

Day one past IUI:

Last night I was in a bit of pain all night.  I felt super tender and quite inflamed.  It didn't stop us from doing a little BD though, just in case.  ;)  I did wake up in the middle of the night with sharp pain in my right side.  I'm guessing that was my egg releasing.  Let's hope all the strong little swimmers found their way!  I see it as a hopeful sign since this is what our first IUI was like.  Last round, for some reason, I'm not convinced that I ovulated.  I didn't feel much of anything after the IUI.  This time, there is definitely some action going on there.

Today I have felt pretty good.  I'm not nearly as tired/emotional/out of it as I was last week.  That feels great!  I'm starting to get a little bit anxious because my job is starting to wind down and I don't know what I'm going to be doing come October (I was on a maternity leave contract).  Eeek!  That is always a scary place to be in.  I have a few options, but  honestly I don't know what I want right now.  When I think about what I want, it's to NOT be working and be at home with a baby.  Picking the next best thing is not as fun.  At least I have time, and I have options, so there is not a lot of pressure.

I don't have much planned for the next 2 weeks.  Our testing day is Sept. 11th.  This weekend is the long weekend, but it will be pretty low key.  Next weekend we are doing a camping trip with our young adults, which will be a great distraction as we get to the last few days of the 2ww.  Other than that, not much going on as DH and I try to save, save, save on money (payoff debt, and start an adoption fund for down the road).  It's really not as fun saving rather than spending.  We'll have to come up with some more cheap ways to have fun over the next few months.

IUI#3

Well, once again, the deed has been done.  I've been insperminated!

Today went pretty well, apart from how tired both DH and I are.  These 6-hour round trips can be exhausting to manage in the midst of working full-time and being involved with ministry.  We got to town early and I had an acupuncture appointment.  My home-town ND went to school with a girl from that city so she referred me there and sent her a list of all the points she normally does.  It was great!  Then DH went to do his part while I walked the dog (we brought her along this time).  We had a nice pho lunch downtown and then headed back for the IUI.  DH's results were great once again (50 million with 95% motility)!  I'm so glad that is not an issue for him, because I know how tough it would be for him.  The procedure was pretty much the same as the others.  We lay there for 15 minutes and that was it.

I didn't want to do much afterwards.  Last time we went for an evening walk after I had rested, but I felt like that would even be too much.  So we just got back in the car and drove home (I drank grape juice along the way).  Tonight our plan is to curl up with a movie (The 5-Year Engagement ... it's about the best pick right now for a chick-flick kind of movie that avoids the topic of babies), and try to do a little BD if we're not too tired...  I am in a bit more pain this time.  Kind of cramping in my uterus and when my bladder is full it HURTS!  I think that's a good sign though, since I kind of remember that from the first round.

So, there you have it!  Partially I felt pretty emotionally detached from things this time (maybe protectively?), but partially I do feel a bit of excitement now that it's over.   Here's to the 2ww being enjoyable and getting by quickly!

Here we go again! And... cysts???

IUI #3 is in the works.  This morning I gave myself my first trigger shot.... ALL BY MYSELF!  It actually wasn't so bad.  The hardest part was mixing the medicine with the liquid and then getting it all to go back in the syringe.  Injecting myself wasn't hard to do at all.  DH came out to give me support (it was bright and early at 7am) and thought for sure that he would have to inject me, but as he stood there I just did it all myself.  I was pretty proud about it.  :)  I was pretty nerve-wracked yesterda when I realized my mom was not in town and couldn't help me out (she is a nurse and did the trigger for me last round).  Before my alarm went off this morning, I actually dreamed about the whole process.  My dream was so real that I had this huge sense of relief once the shot was done, and then I woke up and realized that it was not done and I had to go through it all again.  Boo!

Yesterday I had an u/s to check on the status of things.  It was short and sweet with not much to report.  I think he said my endometrium looks good (Yay clomid for not screwing me here!  I'll still keep drinking my grape juice and eating pineapple just in case).  There are 3 follies, all ready to go (I think they were around 18, 22 and 24mm).  The doctor mentioned that he was slightly concerned because the two on my left look exactly the same as they did last time.  That could mean that they are cysts.  I'm still researching what this could mean for me.  I don't think it's a "huge" deal (at least in the IF world - apart from that I would be freaked out), but it could bench me for a while.  I'm also concerned because that might mean there is only 1 mature egg that will be released.  Hopefully the timing all lines up and that egg is the one!  If they are cysts and we have to take a break for a while, maybe that will be a good thing.  Now that I'm at this part of the process I again feel like I could go through this again if need be.  But let's hope there won't be a need to.  Anyone have any advice on the possible cysts?

So tomorrow I go for the IUI.  I am triggered up.  I booked an acupuncture appointment in the city before my IUI... hopefully all my chi will be flowing freely.  I can't think of anything much more to say.  That's about it for now.  I'll let you know how tomorrow goes.  I plan to take it easy.  Last time we went for quite a walk in the evening after the IUI and I don't want to do that this time.  We'll probably stick around town for a bit, grab dinner out and then make the 3-hour drive back.  I will exercise lightly with walking and yoga this week, but no going to the gym for at least a week (by then I'll be crazy antsy and need to do something to keep my mind occupied).  Keep those fingers and toes crossed for me!

Anxiety blues

There's a new kid in town... his name is anxiety.  He kind of came out of nowhere and sideswiped me this week.  I guess it makes sense.  Anxiety usually stems from a feeling of lacking control.  But still, I wasn't expecting it.

This past week I have felt horrible all week.  It started with the clomid and crazy emotions and feeling spaced out.  Then I got what I thought was a stomach flu, that has stuck around all week making me feel icky all the time.  On top of that, the anxiety started.  I didn't have full-on panic attacks, but for the past few days it feels like there is a weight on my chest that gets heavier and heavier.  There have been moments of panic and anxious responses (quick breathing, elevated heart rate, etc.).  But what it is interesting, is that these are not spurred on by worries about this treatment cycle.  In fact, I almost could care less about this cycle.  I do not have high expectations and, while I'm sure the 2ww will be terrible, I haven't really been thinking about it that much.  This anxiety is a different kind.  This is relationship anxiety.

I can't quite pinpoint where the trouble lies, but I feel trouble brewing in mine and DH's relationship.  And I feel like on top of all the loss that I have experienced this year, I CAN'T handle losing control in this.  The thing is, we both don't want it to be like this.  We both want to love each other, and care for each other, and see our relationship last decades and decades.  It's almost like there is some invisible force that is pushing us apart and we are grasping out, trying to get close to one another.  I don't get it.  What I do understand is how he is feeling.  I know he is tired of seeing me unhappy, and emotional, and depressed.  I know he feels like he can't "fix" anything about this situation and that makes him feel unworthy and meaningless.  I know he is tired frustrated by me "not being okay."  But all I want right now is for him to accept me as I am... and he can't.  And somehow, that has shattered me.

I'm not doing okay right now.  I hate the person that I am.  I am trying so hard to be okay for him and am not succeeding.  I am trying to get out there and be social, but it is so hard.  My work drains me and when I get home I don't really want to do anything but get through the evening and get to bed.  I hate not having energy.  I hate feeling depressed.  I hate not being okay.

And I think he feels like I am choosing to be like this.

And that makes me so mad!  I have told him that I am not trying to be difficult.  He wants to believe me, but I don't think he can.  So I feel like I am in, yet, another scenario where I must pretend to "be okay" in order to protect the relationship or those around me.  AND I CAN'T HANDLE IT!

This is definitely what has sparked this anxiety.  He is the last person for me to go to... and I feel like he's jumping ship.  I honestly don't know what to do right now.

I forced myself to contact "friends" today, to try to get out of the house and talk to someone.  But that's part of the problem.  I have zero friends right now.  Like zero people I can just call up and say, "let's hang out."  There are 2 girls who struggled with infertility and conceived and now have babies.  I contacted both of them but one was busy and I couldn't get a hold of the other one.  My BFF is away on holidays.  My friend J has moved away.  There is one girl from our young adults group but she works Saturdays (and I just don't know how much I can really trust her with my emotions yet).  My only friends are my mom, the 70 year-old lady from my church (who is also away), and a dear family friend who is in her 60s and also away right now.  I have nobody my age who I can go to!  I'm trying to make friends, but when you're depressed, anxious, struggling with infertility and your emotions are a mess... it's REALLY hard to put yourself out there.  That's what I need DH to understand.

Anyone have any ideas???

No passion

Well, I'm still here... just biding time.  The clomid crazies took over on the weekend.  I swear, something about the 3rd day of clomid (CD5) ALWAYS puts me over the edge.  My ND says it is estrodial.  Well mine must have been soaring high.  I didn't even feel in control of my own body.  I was so angry, and anxious, and yet zoned out at the same time too.  I couldn't even muster up a smile.  It was a horrible day.  Thankfully that is over.

I feel pretty emotionally detached from this cycle.  I really don't expect it to work.  In fact, I don't expect it to work so much that I am wondering why we were even going through with it.  I feel like we just have to do one more try.  Like, we couldn't NOT try, considering how far we've come.  I don't know why I feel that way, because even if this cycle does fail, there is still lots of hope that another try might work.  Somewhere in my mind, though, this is the last try.  I think I feel finished with all of this.  In a way, I am hoping this cycle will fail and I will have the permission to "give up."  We can tell the world that we just can't have children and go on with our lives.

Really, I'm just sick and tired of feeling the way I do and if we could find a way to carry on with treatments without feeling so horrible, I definitely would try.  I just don't see that as a possibility right now.  Added to this is a whole bunch of stress DH is going through with all of these assignments he has to hand in.  It's not just getting the work done - basically he is having a crisis of faith.  And that doesn't work well when you are  pastor of a church!  Also our finances are pretty stretched, and my job is (most likely) ending in October.  Eek!  So we are considering having students move in again with us (homestay program), though we REALLY don't want to do it!  It's just that the extra income would be grand.  Unless I find a kick-ass job in the meantime.  But with all that is going on, I don't have the motivation to look for jobs or sell myself.  I don't even feel passion for my job half of the time.  I don't feel passion for anything right now.  And I really, really, really just wish I did...

Oh, and I head to the city on Sunday for a CD13 ultrasound.  IUI should be early next week.

Lonely

I don't know what to say, but I just felt like writing so that my voice could get out somewhere.  I am so lonely today.  My BIL is visiting this weekend (again), so that leaves DH preoccupied (Also, BIL is not the type of guy that I can easily "hang out" with, or ever talk to about anything).  DH is also busy the next 6 weeks catching up on some work he has to do for his ordination that he left till the last minute.  He's not exactly emotionally available.  I tried to talk to him the other night and he just blew up!  I had not realized how stressed he was, but me talking to him put him over the edge and he had a nuclear meltdown.  I understand where he is coming from, but it doesn't help me in my need to cry on someone's shoulder.  I feel pretty hopeless right now.  I had a week where my teenage clients had pregnancy scares and mid-30 year-old guys talked about knocking up girls... and they all talked about getting abortions.  It just made my blood boil!  Then my most-fertile friend told me she's pregnant again... with KID NUMBER FIVE!  Five kids... all under the age of 5.  WTF?!?!?!  It was a hard week.  I hung out with my mom yesterday, went for a nice swim by the river.  But I just don't want to talk to my mom anymore.  It sucks, because she is the closest thing to a real friend who is here right now, but after our first IUI, pregnancy and miscarriage, I decided I needed a bit more space from the parents.  They don't have to know everything about my cycles and when we are inseminating, etc.  And since J has moved away, I literally have nobody I feel safe talking to.  My only friends are 20-year old college kids (who are a far way off from nearly 7 years of marriage and infertility), and married ones with 3 kids minimum.

So today I feel lonely.  I busied myself ALL day (gardening, prepping the deck for painting, repainting a piece of furniture, walking the dog, cooking dinner, knitting, and doing laundry).  That's one good thing...that my emotionalism spurs me  onto productiveness, but now I am exhausted - emotionally, and physically.  And I am super emotional.  My ND says that my estradiol must just be off the charts and that I need to keep it moving and let it out.  I'm taking some homeopathic remedies (that are safe through fertility treatments), doing acupuncture, and going to try to do some hard-core cardio this week.    But for now, I am angry.  I am sad.  I want to cry.  I want to yell.  I want to punch things.  I want to be held.  And all I want to do is hold a damn baby!

P.S. This is what I did yesterday to make myself feel better... spent a whack-load of money on pretty fabric and some flowers.  Nothing like retail therapy (and pretty things make everything better)!

The voice of infertility

I've had this post in my mind for a while, and while there is other stuff going on, I thought I would share it now.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the process of "coming out" with infertility.

For a long time we kept our struggle to ourselves, partially out of fear, partially out of not knowing what to say, but never out of a lack of desire to talk about it.  Since the miscarriage, I have found much more freedom to talk about what we have gone through.  I think that miscarriages are much more commonly talked about than infertility, so it is a good place to start.  With the general public, though, talking about infertility is still awkward, uncomfortable and, oftentimes, more hurtful than helpful.  I often wish I had the ability to call it like it is and come right out with the fact that we are infertile.  In some senses, it would be easier if we knew we couldn't have children.  When people asked us when we are going to have kids, we could shut them up right away by saying that we can't have kids.  Instead, it's always a dilemma in the mind... do I tell the "truth" or simply pacify them with a non-answer so I can get out of the conversation?  Even the "truth" is difficult to find the words to express.  "Well, we have been trying for a while, and have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility; however we did get pregnant with fertility treatments, but then we lost the baby, and so we're trying again..."

At this point I don't know what to do about it.

Some people say that they felt ashamed of not being able to have kids.  For myself, I have never felt ashamed about being infertile.  I feel mad and frustrated that it took so long to get to the point we are at now.  I feel like if five years ago I had of known all that I know now, we could be on our 2nd child, or have already adopted one or two.  Instead, we spent years wandering around aimlessly, trying this, trying that, and not really achieving anything.  If only someone had told us what to do then!  But I think that is the thing about infertility... it's not a formula, like I said before.  It's different for each couple.  And when you think you have it figured out, it throws you a curve-ball.  It doesn't make sense why someone may go through 5 failing IUIs, and then suddenly the 6th one works.  It doesn't make sense why someone may get pregnant on the first IUI, lose the child, and possibly have to try multiple more cycles before conceiving again (my greatest fear right now).  There is no rhyme or reason to the pattern of success in infertility.  And I think that's what grates me the most.

I like life to be fair.  I like to work hard and enjoy the rewards of my work.  I see life in a "you get what you give" kind of way.  Infertility crushes all of those presuppositions!

Because of what we have gone through, I would love to be more open about my infertility!  I know there are others struggling around me who need to hear what I have to say.  The problem is, there are way more "fertiles" around me who hog the spotlight.  They make it seem like their whole purpose of existence is to bear and raise children.  The kick you out of the club if you don't have a child (Have we EVER been invited over to someone with young kids' house, though we have faithfully invited them to ours?  The answer is no).  They almost leave no room for anyone to share a differing point of view...

I want my voice to be heard, but I don't know how or where to start. I don't even know what I would say if I had the chance.  Right now, it just feels easier to run away.  Our dream is to buy an old VW, spiffy it up vintage chic style, and take off just DH, me and our pup.  We'd go live in a city like San Francisco, find jobs at cafes, and be around people who aren't all about JUST having kids.  I think we would find more like-minded people in a larger city like that.

Feeling alright

Hey everyone, thanks for the kind comments and the encouragement to keep on!  I am definitely feeling better today.  An acupuncture appointment followed by a massage helped that out yesterday.  I'm sad this cycle did not work, but I do feel hopeful that it still could happen.  After talking to my ND, we decided it would be best to just carry on with treatment right away, since my hormones are all elevated anyways.  She is a bit worried about my estriadol being so high, so I am taking some homeopathic remedies and will continue acupuncture to help regulate hormones.  I'm thinking of trying the endo diet too.  None of my doctors have ever really talked about endometriosis, but my mom had it and I think it is possible I have some in there too.  Maybe for this month I'll give it a shot and see how it goes.  I went in for my mandatory pregnancy bloodwork today, so I'm waiting the call from my clinic to confirm I'm not pregnant, and we'll plan from there.  Thanks again for your support!  Don't know where I'd be if I were in this all alone.

Processing

I'm processing as I write here.  This is the best way for me to sort out my thoughts.  Fortunately I have a slow day at work today...also I think I might leave early.  It's not worth it being here today.

I knew I wasn't prepared for a negative result this month.  Yet that's what we got.

After I took the test this morning, I crawled back in bed with DH and just lay there.  I felt so much anger inside!  I don't understand why this didn't work.  Everything looked perfect on paper.  I had symptoms.  The timing was all right.  Why did it fail?  I know that so many others have asked the same questions, and it just made me so angry thinking about how hard it is for all of us, while others have it so easy.  And I feel so alone, like no one here will really understand.  DH is the only one who really gets it.  I don't even want to talk to my mom.  I don't want to talk to any friends.  I don't want to talk to my God.

I'm not sure I want to do any more treatments.  When I look at the success rate, even on these blogs, it is there... but it seems you have to go through so much to find success.  I feel like rushing into another IUI would just be another chalk on our list of multiple treatments we have to go through in order to find success.  I don't have any hope that it would work.  That feels depressing.  I'd almost like to give up trying.  Move on to saving/applying for an adoption.  I don't know if this is all worth it.

I guess I feel lost right now.  My year maternity leave position at the place I am working is nearly up (Sept. 26th).  I took on the position being almost positive that I would achieve a pregnancy during this time and not have to worry about finding work once it is over.  Since the pregnancy and miscarriage, I had gained hopes that maybe the girl was not going to come back to the position and I would be able to continue on.  It's a great place to work and I really do love my job here!  DH says it has made me come alive.  Yesterday, though, I found out that she is most likely coming back.  So in a month's time I will be looking for work again.  I don't want to look for work.  I don't want to focus on building a career.  I want to build a family.  Our closest friends have moved.  I honestly don't feel like I have any friends here to talk to.  I feel so lonely.  I was planning a trip to Australia to visit my sister after her baby is born.  Now I don't even want to go.  Plus, we are in debt pay-down mode, and really can't afford the trip, even if I wanted to go.

Really, I have nothing to look forward to right now.  All I wanted was this baby.

DH has been amazing through all of this.  He has kept trying to keep the hope alive when I was fading.  Now, he is the strong one.  He was more prepared for this than me.  He told me this morning that we should just focus on being in love.  What a sweetie.  I told him that was a good idea.  Really right now, that's all I have got.

Negative, negative, negative

The test was negative.

I am negative.

I don't know what else to say.

I knew when I woke up this morning, but I had to try to see.   My BBT dropped below coverline, which was a dead giveaway, and I felt just like AF was coming but I still had to test.

Nothing.

And then there was spotting.

It is over.  I feel done.

CD28...the suspense builds!

The 2WW is almost over... but these last few days are so long.  We had a wonderful time camping.  It reminded me of the times we spent camping when we were first married.  It was just the two of us (and our pup) and we played scrabble, read by the fire, swam in the ocean and napped in the tent.  Apart from feeling terribly sore from sleeping on the ground (we are getting old!), it was perfect.

I'll admit...I took a pee-test this morning.  Here are the reasons why:

The day we left for camping I started feeling pretty sick, like flu-sick.  All day I was naseaus and had a headache and felt sore.  The next day camping felt the same way, but a bit less intense.  And pretty much for the whole camping trip (and still today), I've been feeling not great.  It's not a stay-in-bed-all-day kind of sickness, but a general ickyness.  Fortunately, when camping, all I had to do was relax and snack all day.  I found that when I was hungry it was the worst, so I just kept snacks around me all the time and I was fine, haha.  But, maybe my body was just fighting off a bug.

The next thing I noticed was that for the entire camping trip, I had to pee ALL THE TIME!  Seriously, every hour I was heading to the porter-potties.  DH couldn't believe how much I had to pee.  But, this could have been due to a new prenatal vitamin I started taking.  Maybe they make you pee more?

Other than that, I haven't really had any "symptoms."  But... before we left for camping on Friday, I had an acupuncture appointment.  It was regular.  I was feeling pretty dizzy and nauseaus that morning so I welcomed the chance to lie down in a dark room for a bit.  After my acupuncture, though, when my ND. was taking out the needles, a bunch of the points started to bleed a little bit.  That has never happened to me!    She commented that she has never seen that with me, and that I must have some "extra blood" flowing through me.  Seriously!  Extra blood... that is a great sign of pregnancy!  That got my hopes up a bit but I didn't want to put too much stock in it.  Maybe the Hcg trigger stimulates your body to produce more blood?  I don't know.

We weren't supposed to come home from camping until this morning, but we made an executive decision to have a good night's sleep before work this week.  So, last night before it was dark we packed up most of our campsite.  We had dinner and sat by the fire till the stars came out, and then drove home arriving home by midnight (so nice to live close by a great campsite).  We slept in our amazingly comfortable bed.  And this morning I took a test.

And it was negative.

Oh, also I forgot to mention that last night I dreamt that I went for my bloodwork and it was negative.  I bawled and bawled my eyes out in my dream.

So part of me has lost hope and is bracing for the negative.  But part of me still has the hope alive... When I told DH, he reminded me that these stupid cheap pee strip tests I bought online, didn't register my last pregnancy until far AFTER the blood test had shown a positive.  That time, we had used a Clearblue to get an accurate reading.  I had completely forgotten about that!  So maybe these tests are duds too and there still is a chance?

I am picking up a real Clearblue test today.  We will likely test tomorrow morning.  I wasn't going to blog about all of this, but right now I just needed to let it out.  And it's kind of fun to keep the suspense alive, right???

Friends

Just wanted to post a quick update to yesterday's post.  Our friends P&J ended up staying another night because they didn't get the cleaning done in time and all.  We had a wonderful night with them.  They made us dinner, we enjoyed a glass of wine (I hadn't planned to drink till I tested, but I figured, why not?), watched a movie, and went to bed.  Today we had a much more amiable goodbye and it ended on a very good note.  We are going to miss them dearly!

In other news, I'm really not feeling great today.  Feeling kind of fluish and hoping that's a good sign (and not just an actual flu right before we go away).  Tomorrow we're heading off camping, so I won't be around for the weekend.  This is great timing and will be nice to get away and try to keep my mind off of everything going on right now.  I am going to POAS on Tuesday and my blood test is on Wed. so I will keep you posted!  Right now I don't feel too hopeful, but that is the way it is.

A sad goodbye

Today is the day that we had to say goodbye to our dear friends P&J.  They stayed the night at our house, having packed up all of their things yesterday and are leaving this afternoon.

Since we found out they were moving, I have drawn back from the relationship quite significantly.  Part of it was from sadness that they are leaving, but the other part was in anger, almost a feeling of betrayal.  Since they had their first baby (in January), the relationship has changed (surprise, surprise).  This was expected, but it still stung.  It stung that they stopped inviting us to do anything (and instead, started hanging out with all the other couples with new babies).  It stung that all they talked about was their baby.  It stung that they barely checked on us when we had the miscarriage...

But even all that hurt aside, they are(were) our closest friends.  And now they are leaving...

I had hope that the relationship would improve, that it would get back to what it was before.  I had hope that eventually we would have babies together, and be able to hang out and do things with our kids.  Heck, we even considered co-living with them as a way to build community and save money.  But since I found out they were moving, that all changed.  I pretty much stopped putting anything into the relationship.  And they were too busy with the baby, and buying a house, and packing to reciprocate anything.  It's only in the last few days that I have actually talked to them at all.

So saying goodbye today was not fun.  Mostly, I just wanted to get it over with and retreat to my own cave and lick my wounds.  But when I hugged J, she started crying and I nearly lost it then.  Quickly I said goodbye, gave their baby one last snuggle, and left...

The thing is, I think that underneath all her baby-craze, I think J gets it.  I think she knows I'm hurting.  I think she knows this has been so hard on me.  I wish she would just scream it out that she understands, and gets it, and still loves me as a dear friend... but her way is to stay silent and to be there if I need.  I'd like to think we parted on good terms, and that if our paths cross again, our friendship will pick up right again.

But for now, my heart is very sad indeed. Fare thee well, my kindred spirit friend.

7dpiui

One week has gone by... one more to go.  Time is neither going fast, nor slow.  As much as everything lined up perfectly for this cycle, I do not feel certain that it will succeed.  There have been a few symptoms, but I'm sure I can explain these away by the presence of the hcg from the trigger, as well as the other fertility drugs that are still in my system.  I do not feel emotionally prepared for a BFN, though.  I'm trying to prepare myself, but it's like my mind just can't go to that place right now.  So instead, we will hold on to hope and worry about the grief later on, if need be.

Moon cycles

On the evening of our IUI there was an incredible full moon.  It actually was fullest the day after, but close enough.  I do not know much about moon cycles, but lately I have been watching the ocean tides and paying more attention to the cycles of tides and the moon.  I also recalled hearing about women's menstrual cycles lining up with the moon cycles.  I don't know if it's hogwash or not, but I did a bit of reading and there is a lot about the subject.

This article says that when a women is ovulating with the Full Moon it gives her the best chance of fertility.  Also, another scholarly article cited a study that said that a Full Moon resulted in a higher chance of babies born as males.

It will be interesting to see if it turns out to be true or not.

Evening breakwater walk with the full moon

The 2ww list

Last time I felt it so helpful to keep myself busy during the 2ww so I had a list of activities/things to do.

This time my circumstances will keep me busy, but I thought it would be good to have a fallback list in case I start to go a little crazy.  So here are 14 things to keep me busy over the next 14 days (no way I'll get to all of them)

1. Attend the Filberg Festival on the August long weekend (a wonderful festival of artisans and music)
2. Attend Nautical Days festival
3. Watch the fireworks
4. Visit with my aunt, uncle and cousins who are coming to town
5. Go camping! (So excited for this)
6. Start to knit the gloves I promised my friend
7. Pick strawberries
8. Paint our deck railing
9. Stain the fence
10. Do the final cleaning of the garage
11. Get firewood
12. Do yoga every day (going to try this one as I won't be exercising as hard these 2 weeks)
13. Find a new summer book to read (recommendations?)
14. Get some sun!

Let's hope it goes by quick!

The IUI Visit

I thought I'd just jot down a quick recap of IUI#2 day, more for my memory's sake than anything.

Our appointment was not until 1:00, but we got up fairly early to give ourselves time for a leisurely drive.  We arrived early and headed to the beach for a picnic lunch.  It was nice, but DH was getting a bit antsy and so we left for the clinic.  While it was his turn, I went for a little walk.  There is a nice bird sanctuary right near the clinic, which is nice.  I'm sure many tears and prayers have taken place there.

One thing that I have noticed lately about the clinic, is the kind of clientele that frequent it.  When I went for my u/s on Monday, the waiting room was full of couples.  The thing is, all these couples were definitely in their late 30s.  I was by far the youngest one there.  And judging from some of the conversations I overheard, it seemed like a lot of them were opting for fertility treatments more for convenience than anything.  I can't be sure on that, but it was the feeling I got.   In fact, while we were waiting we overheard a nurse talking to a lady who was definitely clueless about the fertility process (from what we could hear).  The nurse was trying to explain that it didn't matter if one of her tubes didn't work because she was doing IVF and so they would bypass the tubes anyways.  When the nurse hung up the phone we distinctly heard her say, "This is going to be fun.  She wants a baby for her birthday, and her birthday is in 6 weeks."  SIX WEEKS!  This lady signed up for IVF because she wants a baby on her birthday and she is giving it 6 weeks to happen!?!?!  WTF????

I guess I just feel like I'm in a bit of a different category.  We are not choosing to be at a fertility clinic.  We don't have a specific timeline we need to have a baby in.  We are not older and using a clinic out of convenience, rather than trying on our own.  We have been trying, on our own, to have kids for more than 5 years!  That phone call actually made me pretty angry.  I'm a bit of a purist at heart, and I like to do things naturally, and with special planning and attention.  The fact that we are even at a fertility clinic and doing IUI is a stretch for me.  I really can't fathom the elective element of fertility treatments...

Anyways, the actual IUI was way better than I remembered last time.  It was super quick and pain free.  In fact, I didn't even think the doctor was done when he pulled everything out.  All it felt like was a warm instrument propping me open for a bit, and then it was over.  He told us to rest for 15 minutes and gave me a requisition for blood work in 2 weeks.  That was it.

After it was over we went to our hotel and I laid down some more and had a little nap.  Then we met DH's brother (who lives in the town) for dinner and a walk by the ocean.  We walked for quite a bit and I worried that I had overdone it.  By the end of our walk I was pretty crampy, but I hadn't had any ovulation cramps yet, and that was about the time the trigger should have fully kicked in.  Back at the hotel I rested some more and we watched the Olympics.

I am slightly worrying this time that I'm not doing things exactly the same as last time.  I can't remember if I walked, or exercised, or what last time after the IUI.  I remember doing yoga because once I was pregnant, it definitely became harder.  I remember being on the elliptical at the gym because my heart rate got elevated more than it normally does and I was surprised. 

I know that all pregnancies are different so I shouldn't look for the same symptoms as last time, but oh boy how nice would it be if those symptoms showed up.  For now, we'll take it a day at a time and hope for the best!  (DH REALLY is hoping for twins... also, I hadn't thought that you could ovulate from both sides, but when you are stimulated and triggered, it is possible, so now DH is freaking out over the possibility of triplets too, haha.  I don't think we have to worry about that, but having twins would really be awesome!  Just saying...)

IUI #2

I've been insperminated!   The deed is done.  DH's sample was 50million with 93% motility. Wahoo!

Now I'm enjoying the sunset and view of the inner harbour in Victoria from our room.  Just thought I'd give a quick update. Thanks for all the thoughts and well wishes.

IUI Day!

We're on route for my second IUI. Keep your fingers crossed!