Today is the day that we had to say goodbye to our dear friends P&J. They stayed the night at our house, having packed up all of their things yesterday and are leaving this afternoon.
Since we found out they were moving, I have drawn back from the relationship quite significantly. Part of it was from sadness that they are leaving, but the other part was in anger, almost a feeling of betrayal. Since they had their first baby (in January), the relationship has changed (surprise, surprise). This was expected, but it still stung. It stung that they stopped inviting us to do anything (and instead, started hanging out with all the other couples with new babies). It stung that all they talked about was their baby. It stung that they barely checked on us when we had the miscarriage...
But even all that hurt aside, they are(were) our closest friends. And now they are leaving...
I had hope that the relationship would improve, that it would get back to what it was before. I had hope that eventually we would have babies together, and be able to hang out and do things with our kids. Heck, we even considered co-living with them as a way to build community and save money. But since I found out they were moving, that all changed. I pretty much stopped putting anything into the relationship. And they were too busy with the baby, and buying a house, and packing to reciprocate anything. It's only in the last few days that I have actually talked to them at all.
So saying goodbye today was not fun. Mostly, I just wanted to get it over with and retreat to my own cave and lick my wounds. But when I hugged J, she started crying and I nearly lost it then. Quickly I said goodbye, gave their baby one last snuggle, and left...
The thing is, I think that underneath all her baby-craze, I think J gets it. I think she knows I'm hurting. I think she knows this has been so hard on me. I wish she would just scream it out that she understands, and gets it, and still loves me as a dear friend... but her way is to stay silent and to be there if I need. I'd like to think we parted on good terms, and that if our paths cross again, our friendship will pick up right again.
But for now, my heart is very sad indeed. Fare thee well, my kindred spirit friend.
This is one of the greatest crimes of infertility: it can divide us from those we love. The problem isn't one that is easy to solve either, hence it takes effort from both parties to maintain a relationship.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that today was hard and that you also feel abandoned by your friend. This isn't an easy situation. But, give yourself and J some time. If the relationship is important to both of you, you'll find a way.
We have friends that are leaving soon too, and although it's not due to children, we're also in a very strange place in our relationship with them. It feels sad for things to end this way.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you and your friends have drifted apart. It's not easy. Take care.
My bestie used to be around the corner and recently moved an hour away. I too withdrew from the relationship too with all the same feelings of sadness, anger and betrayal. Even when they were close, getting together from her end was difficult even before she had a baby. Just not good with friend relationships. I am back to trying to make our friendship better. Hopefully both of us can repair our relationships. Hugz!
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