The voice of infertility

I've had this post in my mind for a while, and while there is other stuff going on, I thought I would share it now.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the process of "coming out" with infertility.

For a long time we kept our struggle to ourselves, partially out of fear, partially out of not knowing what to say, but never out of a lack of desire to talk about it.  Since the miscarriage, I have found much more freedom to talk about what we have gone through.  I think that miscarriages are much more commonly talked about than infertility, so it is a good place to start.  With the general public, though, talking about infertility is still awkward, uncomfortable and, oftentimes, more hurtful than helpful.  I often wish I had the ability to call it like it is and come right out with the fact that we are infertile.  In some senses, it would be easier if we knew we couldn't have children.  When people asked us when we are going to have kids, we could shut them up right away by saying that we can't have kids.  Instead, it's always a dilemma in the mind... do I tell the "truth" or simply pacify them with a non-answer so I can get out of the conversation?  Even the "truth" is difficult to find the words to express.  "Well, we have been trying for a while, and have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility; however we did get pregnant with fertility treatments, but then we lost the baby, and so we're trying again..."

At this point I don't know what to do about it.

Some people say that they felt ashamed of not being able to have kids.  For myself, I have never felt ashamed about being infertile.  I feel mad and frustrated that it took so long to get to the point we are at now.  I feel like if five years ago I had of known all that I know now, we could be on our 2nd child, or have already adopted one or two.  Instead, we spent years wandering around aimlessly, trying this, trying that, and not really achieving anything.  If only someone had told us what to do then!  But I think that is the thing about infertility... it's not a formula, like I said before.  It's different for each couple.  And when you think you have it figured out, it throws you a curve-ball.  It doesn't make sense why someone may go through 5 failing IUIs, and then suddenly the 6th one works.  It doesn't make sense why someone may get pregnant on the first IUI, lose the child, and possibly have to try multiple more cycles before conceiving again (my greatest fear right now).  There is no rhyme or reason to the pattern of success in infertility.  And I think that's what grates me the most.

I like life to be fair.  I like to work hard and enjoy the rewards of my work.  I see life in a "you get what you give" kind of way.  Infertility crushes all of those presuppositions!

Because of what we have gone through, I would love to be more open about my infertility!  I know there are others struggling around me who need to hear what I have to say.  The problem is, there are way more "fertiles" around me who hog the spotlight.  They make it seem like their whole purpose of existence is to bear and raise children.  The kick you out of the club if you don't have a child (Have we EVER been invited over to someone with young kids' house, though we have faithfully invited them to ours?  The answer is no).  They almost leave no room for anyone to share a differing point of view...

I want my voice to be heard, but I don't know how or where to start. I don't even know what I would say if I had the chance.  Right now, it just feels easier to run away.  Our dream is to buy an old VW, spiffy it up vintage chic style, and take off just DH, me and our pup.  We'd go live in a city like San Francisco, find jobs at cafes, and be around people who aren't all about JUST having kids.  I think we would find more like-minded people in a larger city like that.