The timing of IUI

I'm still freaking out a little bit here about the timing of our IUI.  With IUI, I think the timing is the most important thing.  I feel like this time things just didn't line up properly.  I don't know why my Lh surge took place so early.  The doctor didn't check my follicles to make sure they were growing according to schedule.  There was only one blood draw to check my Lh, so how do they know for sure it was a surge?  I did an OPK again yesterday afternoon and then today.  Yesterday there was a faint, faint line but today I didn't get any further positive results.   I've been charting my BBT this month, and my temperature has not gone up yet, which is always does when I ovulate.  And I haven't had any other symptoms of ovulation!  So the question in my mind is... did I actually ovulate?  Is it possible to have an Lh surge and then not ovulate... or ovulate a few days later?  Today I actually have a bit of a sore back and some cramping, so maybe that is ovulation happening?  I'm trying not to "stress" but this cycle just confused me and I have a ton of questions now.  I will try to relax...and hope for the best.  Maybe I ovulated just fine.  Maybe I am ovulating now and DH's guys will have stuck around long enough to wait for the egg.  Maybe I'll ovulate later and we'll cover the bases with our own BD tonight...  maybe, maybe, maybe...

IUI #4 - A shot in the dark

It's done!  IUI#4 just flew right on by.  This was the quickest procedure we have had and really feels like a shot in the dark.  We were up early to make the 3-hour drive.  We arrived in town and had some lunch, then DH went off to do his "duties" while I went shopping. :)  A few hours later we were back at the clinic and into the office.  DH had a great result again (50 million swimmers... he's such a trooper!).  The only thing was that since I had already started surging, the Doctor didn't check to see how many eggs there were, since some may have already released.  So we are a bit in the dark as to what is actually going on inside Miss uterus of mine.  I was panicking a little bit, because when I did an OPK this morning, the line was fainter and I don't know what that means!  I haven't had any other signs of ovulation and I didn't feel like I had ovulated, so I'm worried that our timing was off.  But, the doctor specifically told us to "have intercourse" tonight and tomorrow, to hopefully cover all the bases...haha!  DH and I were joking about how we are the only people we know who can "have intercourse" on doctor's demand like that.  It's slightly comical.  As soon as the procedure was done, we hopped back in the car and drove home.  Now we're home, and getting ready for bed so that we can get up and go to work tomorrow.  This really is a crazy thing! 

So... now we wait!  Testing day is March 12th!  My birthday is coming up on March 30th, and I'm really hoping I have something to celebrate (otherwise it will really be a bummer).  I haven't planned for this 2ww and I feel it is going to be one of the hardest ones!  Help me out ladies... what can I do this time to make this time fly by???

Nerves... (Update on IUI)

(For those who already read this post, there is an update below)

Okay, I spoke too soon about the clomid.  I am not having crazy hot flashes, but the emotions are coming in strong!  I'm not even emotional about anything in particular, but I feel like I am being flooded with some sort of emotion that does not have a place to land.  It's a very strange feeling.

In other news, I decided this morning to take a OPK to see if I might be starting to surge.  I hopped in the shower after I took it, thinking nothing would come of it, but when I got out there was a faint, but distinct, positive line.  That sent me into freak-out mode!  It's too early.  On my way to work I stopped at the lab, where I fortunately have a standing order for Lh testing.  I had that done and called my clinic as soon as they were open.  Once they receive the results, they are going to give me a call to let me know what to do next.  I was supposed to go for an u/s tomorrow to check on how my follies were growing.  If I am surging... I don't know what they will do!  Will they do the IUI without knowing how many follies I have?  Will they do an u/s first and then call me back for the IUI later?  Or will they postpone it till Wednesay... and if they do will I miss my ovulation window?  Also, that will mean two days in a row of the 6-hour drive there and back to the clinic.  Whew!  Clearly, I am a little panicky today.

As I'm going through all of this, my nice calm happy feelings are going away.  I'm starting to get butterflies in the stomach and nerves about it all.  I am excited, but I am also nervous.  Without realizing it, I guess I did place quite a bit of hope into this working.  My ND gave me some gaba pills to take if I started to feel anxiety... why did I leave them at home today???

***Update*** The doctor called me and it turns out I am surging already (it's only day 11 today).  I got my Lh result online and it's still below the cut-off, so I think I'm on my way to surging fully tomorrow, which would mean I ovulate sometime tomorrow or Wednesday.  So, our IUI is scheduled for 3:00 tomorrow afternoon!  I'm guessing they will do a trigger shot at that time too.  Crazy, crazy... it's happening!!!!  Will let you know how it goes!

Sunny day Saturday

Today I woke up to beautiful sunshine shining through the house!  Besides showing me that my house needs some spring cleaning (yuck, dust!), it has put me in a delightfully relaxed mood.  It probably helped that I had an acupuncture treatment yesterday and a massage today.  Ahh!  Sometimes the life of an infertile is not so bad... right?

My acupuncturist is so refreshing!  She was so encouraging to me.  When I told her that the clomid had hardly any bad effects, she did a little happy dance.  She is convinced that is because of the balancing we are doing in my system through acupuncture, herbs and supplements.  She thinks I am in such a good place health-wise.  She said I may not be quite as balanced as she'd like for this cycle, so that if it doesn't work I shouldn't lose hope.  Also, whether it works or not, my body is more balanced which leads to so many other good things too.

(This had an Intagram filter so it's kind of blurry on here)

So today I'm going to enjoy my day, do some yardwork (I hope).  I went grocery shopping earlier and just had to pick up a few little primula plants.  They were just so bright and cheery!  No matter that my garden is still frozen and covered with leaves... I will find a way to add them to my yard for some early spring cheer.  Tonight we're having friends over for a Top Gun movie night (DH has decided to do a series of 80s movie education to some of the young adults we work with who are clueless as to the gloriousness of movies).  Last night we went on a double date with some friends for dinner and the hockey game.  And tomorrow I get to get all dressed up to go to a red carpet Oscar's party at a local restaurant with a bunch of girls.  There has been lots of fun things going on these days!  I will definitely post pictures of me all fancied up, but here's a fun one of DH and I on our date last weekend.

Keeping the romance

Well I made it through my 5 days of clomid pills rather unscathed.  I had one minor hot flash at night, but no crazy emotional drop like I normally have.  Hooray!  I think it probably helps having my system clean and ready to go, and also not eating sugar.  I go for my ultrasound in 5 days!  I can't believe how this is flying by.

In all honesty, I feel emotionally unattached to this cycle.  I feel like all of this is just routine... taking pills, going to acupuncture, having an ultrasound, monitoring blood work...  It's not that I don't hope it will work.  It's just that I feel like I'm just going through the rhythms of all the steps to check off on the list.  And because I feel no magic, or excitement, or wonder about it, I feel like it won't work.

I'm quite a romantic at heart (aren't we all a little bit?).  As everyone who has struggled with infertility will know, infertility kills romance.  There is not much less romantic than gearing up to have a doctor to "inseminate" with your man's sperm in the hopes of having a baby.  I've accepted that the romance of conceiving a baby after a night of passionate love won't be how I find myself in the throes of motherhood.  However, I have held on to a niggling of hope that the process will have its own romantic story.  The day of our first IUI was incredibly intimate in a weird way.  After the "deed was done", I lay on the table for about 20 minutes with DH right beside me.  We listened to music on our ipods and it was so hopeful and exciting.  I don't feel that hopeful this time around because DH and I are going through some struggles.  He's having a rough time right now.  Our marriage is being affected.  I'm hoping that it is just a huge growth spurt in the making and that what we are experiencing are the growing pains.  But, because of all this, the romance isn't as alive.  And somehow I have that connection in my brain that says that even if everything goes according to calculation, even if my body is fully prepared for IUI, even if his swimmers are top notch... without the romance, there isn't a chance of conception.  Do you know what I mean?

Round 4 here we go...

Today is CD3 and I'm all set for our 4th IUI.  I picked up my clomid to start taking today, booked my CD12 ultrasound to check on my follies, and have been attending regular acupuncture to help get me ready.  The acupuncture has been soooo good!  I'm working with a real TCM doctor and she really knows what she is doing.(before it was my ND who has some training, but is not specialized).  One example of a success is that she diagnosed me with blood stasis right at the beginning.  Last month, my period had been 32 days, which is longer than normal.  This month, I was surprised by AF showing up at CD24, but the doctor said that it was wonderful because it means my blood is not stagnating as much, and has "caught up" to it's original rhythm with my body.  I think it makes sense.

Overall I feel I am in the great health to try again.  While I haven't lost all of my infertility weight, I am really in shape.  I fit into some clothes I couldn't a few months ago.  I have much more muscle mass (which is why the number on the scale isn't going down).  I am more relaxed and incorporating yoga and some meditation into my lifestyle.  We have been eating pretty healthy since our try at Paleo in December.  I cut back on caffeine and am trying to limit it to one coffee and one tea per day.  I cut out alcohol.  Oh, and I'm doing 40 days of no sugar for Lent, so that should help too.  I don't really know what more I could be doing to set myself up for success.  Ultimately, I know that all of that does not guarantee anything, but I feel good knowing that I am doing my part.  I guess I am pretty excited to get going again.  I feel like an IUI is a piece of cake now, after all we've been through.  It was this time last year that we did our first IUI and got pregnant.  I guess I have hope!

In other news, I am sooooo excited to celebrate with my friend over at Hapa Hopes on her very first BFP (after 3 failed IUIs and 3 failed transfers).  She is waiting for her first ultrasound to confirm the health of her precious baby and that can be a stressful time too.  I am just so happy for her and wanted to share the love and positivity!  It did make me realize, however, that all of the bloggers I first started to follow when I joined here have achieved pregnancy or adoption.  All of them!  A few have had miscarriages along the way, but for the most part they have healthy babies at home or on the way.  I mention that to share that there is always hope.  I feel like it's only a matter of time until it is my turn... or yours!  Eventually our time will come around. 

Homemade Laundry Soap

Today was laundry soap making day!  I started making my own laundry soap about 2 years ago.  I really like it and use it regularly for my towels, dishcloths and some clothes.  DH finds it doesn't get all the smell out of his stinky boy clothes, but I find it works great for mine.  There are many recipes out there for laundry soap.  I still would like to try making a liquid version, but they take much more time to make.  This is a simple recipe that can be made up within a half hour and lasts months.

The ingredients are simple (per one load):
- 1x Ivory soap bars
- 1/2 cup Washing soda
- 1/2 cup Borax

Other supplies needed are:
- Large mixing bowl and spoon
- Grater (or a food processor that can be used for non-food items)
- Jars or containers to store the soap in

Before trying this recipe, I hadn't used washing soda or Borax before, but I found them easily in the laundry detergent or cleaning section of a large grocery store.  The boxes were probably about $5.00 each, and make multiple loads of laundry soap.

 The first step is to grate the soap finely.  I find that with older soap the texture is a bit tougher, whereas fresh soap grates softly and quickly.  I like the texture of the older soap better.  This time I used one scented soap of aloe vera.  Oh, I also do multiple batches at once since it is so easy.  This time I did 3 bars of soap, though I normally do 5-6.

 Once it's grated you'll have a nice pile of soap shavings.

 Then you add the Borax and Washing soda (1/2 cup per load)

 Then you mix, mix, mix!  You want to make sure everything is well integrated and that there aren't many lumps of borax (as it gets older it hardens up more).

 By the end, you should have quite a fine mixture like this.

 Then jar it up....

 And put it up for display! 

 Nice and pretty.  I use about 1-2 Tbsp per load and it works great. 

Happy laundry everyone!

Guarded, yet moving on

I've been wanting to blog all week, but the words just haven't come.   Today, though, I feel the urge to communicate anyways.  I'm in a bit of a reminiscent mood.  Not reminiscing of days past, but of the journey we have been on over these past years, in particular the last year.  Today is the day it begins again.  I went for an acupuncture appointment today.  I have a new acupuncturist, who has just joined the team with my ND, and comes highly specialized in TCM and fertility.  I thought that before we pursue IUI, I might as well set up my body for as much success as is possible.  I hadn't thought much of it, but as my appointment approached this week, I started to experience anxiety, and a bit of panic.  Today it flooded in on me.  All of the expectations, and memories of dashed hopes, and time spent waiting for answers, and joys turned to sorrow overwhelmed my mind.

I lay on the table during acupuncture with my heart pounding.  There were a few tears, but I almost couldn't even cry.  The doctor was wonderful, and warm, and supportive and encouraging.  She gave me a sense of hope just with the knowledge she displayed.  I felt like I could rest in her knowledge and trust a little bit again.  She had some insights about me too, based on my symptoms.  From a TCM perspective, she thinks I have blood deficiency.  She thinks at the root of some of our issues is that my body is not getting properly nourished by my blood.  The TCM perspective is so different - it's like a parallel universe to modern medicine.  This doesn't mean there is anything wrong with my actual blood... but at the energy level she thinks my blood is lacking.  She thinks I have a busy mind and use so much energy with my mind (which I do!), but that this leaves my body depleted at times.  I think this is similar to the "Type A" personality type description, and taps into the concept of stress.  I don't feel like I am physically stressed, but at a deeper level, I may be.  I can't describe it exactly how she did, but I found it helpful.  There's a bit more in depth information about blood deficiency here and here if anyone is interested. 

Anyways, the whole experience brought my awareness back to the bigness of what we are about to undergo again.  Even though IUI is fairly simple in comparison to IVF, the emotions, the time spent, and the energy exerted are parallel.  Tonight I was supposed to have a call from the Doctor to touch base and plan for the next cycle (since the office is 3 hours away he agreed to do a phone consult).  But he didn't call.  Sigh.  It is times like this that I wish we lived in a larger city with more access to treatment options.  I'm telling myself that he is probably with another patient who is in more need than me, and that I would like him to do the same if it were me in the position.  It's not a huge deal, but I was excited to put some things into place and have some questions answered.  Oh well.  We will reschedule for next week.  And make a plan to hopefully start clomid and do another round of IUI next month.  I will go to acupuncture weekly.  I will exercise daily and try to incorporate yoga once a week.  I will continue to eat healthy, limit my caffeine and alcohol.  And I will hope for the best.

Last year at this time we started the cycle that led to a pregnancy.  There is anticipation in the air.  Yet that anticipation is much more guarded this time around. 

(Update: I just got a call from the doctor and we are scheduled to go ahead as soon as I get my next period.)