Well I made it through my 5 days of clomid pills rather unscathed. I had one minor hot flash at night, but no crazy emotional drop like I normally have. Hooray! I think it probably helps having my system clean and ready to go, and also not eating sugar. I go for my ultrasound in 5 days! I can't believe how this is flying by.
In all honesty, I feel emotionally unattached to this cycle. I feel like all of this is just routine... taking pills, going to acupuncture, having an ultrasound, monitoring blood work... It's not that I don't hope it will work. It's just that I feel like I'm just going through the rhythms of all the steps to check off on the list. And because I feel no magic, or excitement, or wonder about it, I feel like it won't work.
I'm quite a romantic at heart (aren't we all a little bit?). As everyone who has struggled with infertility will know, infertility kills romance. There is not much less romantic than gearing up to have a doctor to "inseminate" with your man's sperm in the hopes of having a baby. I've accepted that the romance of conceiving a baby after a night of passionate love won't be how I find myself in the throes of motherhood. However, I have held on to a niggling of hope that the process will have its own romantic story. The day of our first IUI was incredibly intimate in a weird way. After the "deed was done", I lay on the table for about 20 minutes with DH right beside me. We listened to music on our ipods and it was so hopeful and exciting. I don't feel that hopeful this time around because DH and I are going through some struggles. He's having a rough time right now. Our marriage is being affected. I'm hoping that it is just a huge growth spurt in the making and that what we are experiencing are the growing pains. But, because of all this, the romance isn't as alive. And somehow I have that connection in my brain that says that even if everything goes according to calculation, even if my body is fully prepared for IUI, even if his swimmers are top notch... without the romance, there isn't a chance of conception. Do you know what I mean?
I'm sorry you're not feeling it this time around. I can't imagine how draining it all is, but I'm hoping so hard for you that this IUI works and that you're right about the growth spurt.
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