Guarded, yet moving on

I've been wanting to blog all week, but the words just haven't come.   Today, though, I feel the urge to communicate anyways.  I'm in a bit of a reminiscent mood.  Not reminiscing of days past, but of the journey we have been on over these past years, in particular the last year.  Today is the day it begins again.  I went for an acupuncture appointment today.  I have a new acupuncturist, who has just joined the team with my ND, and comes highly specialized in TCM and fertility.  I thought that before we pursue IUI, I might as well set up my body for as much success as is possible.  I hadn't thought much of it, but as my appointment approached this week, I started to experience anxiety, and a bit of panic.  Today it flooded in on me.  All of the expectations, and memories of dashed hopes, and time spent waiting for answers, and joys turned to sorrow overwhelmed my mind.

I lay on the table during acupuncture with my heart pounding.  There were a few tears, but I almost couldn't even cry.  The doctor was wonderful, and warm, and supportive and encouraging.  She gave me a sense of hope just with the knowledge she displayed.  I felt like I could rest in her knowledge and trust a little bit again.  She had some insights about me too, based on my symptoms.  From a TCM perspective, she thinks I have blood deficiency.  She thinks at the root of some of our issues is that my body is not getting properly nourished by my blood.  The TCM perspective is so different - it's like a parallel universe to modern medicine.  This doesn't mean there is anything wrong with my actual blood... but at the energy level she thinks my blood is lacking.  She thinks I have a busy mind and use so much energy with my mind (which I do!), but that this leaves my body depleted at times.  I think this is similar to the "Type A" personality type description, and taps into the concept of stress.  I don't feel like I am physically stressed, but at a deeper level, I may be.  I can't describe it exactly how she did, but I found it helpful.  There's a bit more in depth information about blood deficiency here and here if anyone is interested. 

Anyways, the whole experience brought my awareness back to the bigness of what we are about to undergo again.  Even though IUI is fairly simple in comparison to IVF, the emotions, the time spent, and the energy exerted are parallel.  Tonight I was supposed to have a call from the Doctor to touch base and plan for the next cycle (since the office is 3 hours away he agreed to do a phone consult).  But he didn't call.  Sigh.  It is times like this that I wish we lived in a larger city with more access to treatment options.  I'm telling myself that he is probably with another patient who is in more need than me, and that I would like him to do the same if it were me in the position.  It's not a huge deal, but I was excited to put some things into place and have some questions answered.  Oh well.  We will reschedule for next week.  And make a plan to hopefully start clomid and do another round of IUI next month.  I will go to acupuncture weekly.  I will exercise daily and try to incorporate yoga once a week.  I will continue to eat healthy, limit my caffeine and alcohol.  And I will hope for the best.

Last year at this time we started the cycle that led to a pregnancy.  There is anticipation in the air.  Yet that anticipation is much more guarded this time around. 

(Update: I just got a call from the doctor and we are scheduled to go ahead as soon as I get my next period.)