Thanks!

Just wanted to quickly say thank you to everyone for your kind and helpful comments so far.  I am not so much upset with the diagnosis, as I am trying to process finally actually having a diagnosis after so many years.  I think I'm still in a bit of shock with it all, but I'll update some more once I catch my breath.  I am scheduling an appointment with my naturopathic doctor as soon as I can too!  I'll write more soon, but thank you for the support.  I knew I could count on you.

No longer "unexplained"

I received a phone call today from my RE.  Remember how I had some blood work updated a while ago?  I saw the results online, but nothing really stood out except my white blood cells and platelets, which are always low.  I even briefly spoke to my MD about it at my annual visit, but nothing came up.  So when the RE wanted to speak to me about it, I assumed it was just normal protocol.

Except it wasn't.

Tonight I found out that I have premature ovarian aging.  My FSH is elevated beyond what it should be for someone my age.  This means that my eggs are "older" than they should be for a 31 year old.  It narrows our window of time for trying.  It also means that I likely only produce about 3-4 "normal" eggs per year, whereas a regular 31-year old only produces about 3-4 abnormal eggs per year.  So our chances are much, much more slim than the regular girls.  It also means that the quality of my eggs is not as good, and more pregnancies result in miscarriages.

That is all that I know about it so far.  I'm reading up like crazy right now.  The few articles I have looked at say that this is one of the most overlooked reasons for female infertility.  They also say that FSH is not enough to diagnose premature ovarian aging (POA, from here on), and that testing AMH along with FSH is a better detector.  From what I can tell, though, my FSH is quite too high.  It's at 11.8.  A year ago it was 8.8, which is still on the high end of the spectrum.  Other articles say that there are actually stricter age requirements for this test.  According to those requirements, even my "normal" test of 8.8 a year ago is out of range for a 30 year old (FSH should be under 7). 

My doctor said that it does not mean we won't get pregnant.  He says that since we are still young (how I hate hearing people say that... I don't feel young in this journey at all), and since I conceived once on IUI, our chances are still good.  He suggests trying IUI but possibly moving onto IVF sooner than later too.

I think I am in shock a bit.  I was near tears earlier, but now I find I can't seem to cry. 

If you know any other bloggers who have dealt with this, I would love to find them.  I'm not quite at the premature ovarian failure stage yet... though maybe that is around the corner. 

So it's been a bad day.  I had to go to the dentist and have my mouth frozen, go to the optometrist and have my eyes dilated, go for a meeting with a financial guy about setting up a will (borrrrinnng!), got this phone call AND AF officially came to town to top it all off.  I just guzzled down a Bailey's and hot chocolate, but I'm considering downing that bottle of rum in the cupboard...

Surviving the holidays!

Well, we've made it through the first stage of the holiday season - Thanksgiving (though ours in Canada has been long over).  Recently I was inspired by this post at Stirrup Queens, regarding how to get through the holidays when you don't feel like celebrating.  It's a good read, so check it out.

As for me, lately I find myself wavering between dread and excitement as we approach Christmas.  I'll begin by saying that I LOVE Christmas!  I always have and probably always will.  I think that it mostly has to do with loving anything nostalgic.  Christmas is the epitome of nostalgia for me.  I have such fond memories of being a child at Christmas time.  The traditions, the lights, the presents, the good cheer, the celebration of the birth of Jesus!  I can't avoid getting excited about these things even now, as an adult.  The trouble is, I appreciate all those things so much, and I SO WANT to share those memories with my children.  As each Christmas season has passed by, I have become more and more sad that we do not have a family to pass these traditions on to.  My hubby doesn't care too much for Christmas - for him it brings up memories of family fights - but I had hoped to change his viewpoint by bringing the magic alive to our kids.  Without kids, that won't happen.

Side note: I also always find a way to imagine magically becoming pregnant right around the holidays, and how we would excitedly break the news to our families while exchanging gifts.  I think that is my strongest infertility fantasy!  Even this month, I looked for "signs" of pregnancy and started wishing once again... only to have those hopes dashed when I started spotting today.

For me, Christmas is not just about surviving the work parties and the Christmas events for kids.  It's a mourning of a dream that I had to share the magic with my own family.  I know the dream is not gone forever, but Christmas reminds me of what we do not have more than anything.

So, what are my tips on how to survive if you're feeling the same way as me?

1. Be kind to yourself.  Really!  If you don't want to go out to a party or get-together, don't!  Your friends and family are adults and they will get over it if you don't come.

2. Try to keep the hope alive by embracing the traditions you love.  DH and I purchased our Christmas tree on Friday.  The farm wasn't even officially open yet, but they had trees so we knocked on the door and asked if we could buy one.  Our family always had a rule that Christmas decorations couldn't come out until Dec. 1st.  Screw the rules!  I wanted to feel better and decorating for Christmas makes me feel better.  At least our home can be cozy and special, even if we don't feel like celebrating largely with others.

3. Treats and drinks!  We are doing a bit of a healthy eating cleanse this month before Christmas, but I will have no hesitance at indulging once the break begins.  Also we have stocked up on our rum, gin and Bailey's.  We are not at all big drinkers/party people, but I find I can get through some difficult days if I have something to look forward to, like an Eggnog and Rum, or Bailey's and hot chocolate at the end of the day.

4. Have some fun!  There really is no time like Christmas to do some activities that really are pure fun!  Go ice skating or tobogganing.  Head out on an afternoon snowshoe in fresh falling snow.  Cuddle up with popcorn and a movie by the fire.  Volunteer at a soup kitchen.  Have friends over for drinks, just because!  Bake some festive cookies with a friend.  Build a snowman.  But a sexy new piece of lingerie and spice up the bedroom one evening.  There are so many wonderful things to do that only can be done in winter.  Make the most of it!

5. Remember that "Jesus IS the reason for the Season."  Okay, I know that sounds super cheesy, and that most of you are not Christian; however!  I do think we lose sight of what the holiday really is about and it helps to refocus on something outside of ourselves at times like this.  Go to a Nativity play, read the Christmas story, or just watch Charlie Brown.  A slight change in perspective can go a long way.

6. I also really like Stirrup Queens idea about writing a note to yourself to carry in your pocket or wallet for those really hard events to attend.  A quick trip to the bathroom and letting yourself have a few tears may be just the remedy!

7. Find ways to connect with your spouse or partner.  As hard as it is, and as sad as you may be, cling closely to the one you love.  This time is hard for them too.  Find a way to build new traditions together - just the two of you.  DH and I started a tradition with friends a few years ago of going for a night snowshoe on New Year's Eve and then back to one of our homes for champagne and fondue.  We have carried that on and it is so much fun!  Whatever brings you together - find a way to make it happen and make that your priority over the season.

How about you?  What are your tips on surviving through the ups and downs of the holiday season???

This is ME

Remembering

Today is roughly the day that would have been my due date, had I not miscarried 6 months ago.  Today is a day of remembering for us.  I'm not sure what we're going to do yet, but I want to do something memorable to commemorate this life that was with us so shortly.  We may also start a new tradition of breaking out the Christmas decorations early to look forward to what is ahead (I do love me some Christmas!).  I keep thinking of what our life would have looked like if things were different.  I keep secretly hoping that maybe this month we will magically appear pregnant, just in time for Christmas.  I guess I just want to keep the hope alive.

 
Lately I have read a few blogs referencing being thankful for infertility.  I can definitely say I'm not there yet!  At the same time, I know infertility has changed me and I can't go back and erase those changes that have crept in over the past few years.  Infertility and me are intertwined.  

At the same time I wonder: Will the pain and sorrow of infertility ever be mended enough that it does not hurt so badly?

At this point, having a baby, or making a family isn't the answer.  I don't think the pain of infertility will ever be fixed.  I guess I thought up until now that eventually the pain would be replaced by something good.  Whatever that good thing is (a baby, a child adopted, or a reconciling with a childless life), I thought it would take the place of infertility.  However, I am starting to realize that infertility will forever leave a scar on my heart.  And in a strange way, I'm kind of glad for that.

I don't want our struggle to be forgotten once it is "over."  Whether I like it or not, the last 5 years of my life have shaped me into the woman I am today.  Those years can't be taken back.  They are a part of me, and will be forever.  I may not yet see the benefit in them, or the ways I have been molded and changed by the sorrow, but they have made me ME.

Part of my journey lately has been reconciling myself to the ME that I am now.  It's not who I expected to be at this point in my life.  I don't "love" all the parts of ME that this journey has brought to light.  But there are parts of ME that wouldn't have been brought to existence without this journey.  Does that make sense?  Yes, I am grieving the loss of the ME that I thought I would be, but I am also adjusting to my new reality.  This is who I am.  Right now.  I want to learn to love and appreciate this person as much as I did the former me.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving to my American friends!  A holiday post will follow later (hopefully), but wanted to send out my good wishes to you now.  Since we've already had our Thanksgiving, we plan to get out the Christmas decorations this weekend and spruce up our home.  Maybe this will be a good tradition to uphold in the future, as a way of remembering what we have lost, but looking forward to more good times.

Happy holidays!

Happy ICLW

Hello and welcome to November ICLW!  I am Slynn and this is my blog: Home Grown Love.

My blog is mainly about infertility, though I am somewhat of a homebody and enjoy posting about home decor, cooking and baking, gardening, and other everyday tasks that I try to make meaningful.  DH and I have been married for almost 7 years (Whoa!) and have been off birth control for more than 5.  We've been "officially" TTC for the past 4 years and undergoing fertility treatments for the past year.  The past year has included 8 rounds of clomid, 3 IUIs, 1 successful pregnancy followed by 1 miscarriage, numerous ultrasounds, close to $2000 spent and countless tears.

Currently we are taking a break as we try to get my body back on track, save up some more money, start to look at adoption, and attempt to rid our lives of stress. :)

Emotionally, it's been quite a year so I'm slowly trying to pull myself back to my feet again and enjoy life with our without kids.  I hope that the focus of this blog in the future will be more about finding enjoyment in everyday (and extraordinary) events, and less about the depths of despair.

So, welcome, and feel free to take a look around!  I've been saving up posts for this week, so be sure to come on by again as there will be lots to read.

Here's us, being silly during a family photo shoot in the summer

Annual check-up

Today I went to my MD for my annual PAP and physical check-up.  I like my doctor a lot!  She was in a bit of a rush today, so went through things quite quickly, but I know she cares and is very capable in what she does.  I'm happy to report that pretty much everything is "perfect."  Great heart rate, good sounding lungs, great blood pressure, no lumps or bumps anywhere they shouldn't be...all is well!  There were only 2 things she mentioned.  One is that I might have a yeast infection (yikes!).  I've never had one before and don't have any symptoms, so... I think the test will come back negative, but we'll see.  The other is - of course - my weight.  She encouraged me to get back on track and focus on myself and losing the weight.

While she was checking me, she asked me how I was doing and said, "You must be frustrated by now," to which I teared up.  Of course I am frustrated!  This led to a great conversation though, and I could tell she really cares.  She didn't have anything new to tell me, but encouraged us to work on accepting where we are at right now, and possibly looking to expand our family in other ways (like adoption).  She talked about her childless friends, and how much they are able to enjoy life and live it to the full even without kids.  I think she really thinks that if we just "stop trying" we will miraculously find ourselves pregnant.

I understand this sentiment.  I agree that it works, in some cases.  I would LOVE to be able to stop trying and trick my mind into "relaxing" in order to become pregnant.  It's just not that easy.  I can't quite quantify it, but the stress that comes with infertility is not like other stress.  You can't just bubble bath it away.  I really would love to do more study into this area to see what the psychology world has to say about it too.

Anyways, I appreciated her taking the time to check in on me.  And, at the end of the session, she even prayed for me!  She is a Christian and her kids attend our church so it wasn't weird at all.  I actually really appreciated it.

So, I left my appointment and went to the gym to burn off some calories, and then into the infra-red sauna for some relaxation.  DH and I are both serious about losing weight (especially because his brother is getting married in the new year!).  I know it will be hard over this next month with Christmas approaching, but we are going to try to do a month of clean eating (including no sugar) so then we can indulge a bit at Christmas.  My doctor also suggested I look into the paleo diet, since I have a lot of bloating that might be linked to grains.  She said that no diet itself works, but I might be able to find some tips that make me feel better.  We have friends who are huge paleo eaters, so I am going to do my best to try it out this month too.  Anyone done it before and have any tips?

Starting tomorrow it's ICLW so I'll be posting more regularly (I've been saving up).  Stop by to say hi and maybe meet some new bloggers!

Are we ready to heal?

Lately I've been questioning whether or not DH and I are even able to emotionally heal at this point in time.  We are SO ready to get on with our lives, to embrace what is next, BUT we just can't seem to get there.  The pain continues to creep in ever so silently at moments when we don't expect it.  I don't think we are fighting it, but we are just ready for it to be over already.

Maybe it's like having an injury to your knee.  After taking the prescribed time to let it rest and ice it down, you try walking again.  It's tough at first, and you can only go slowly, but you generally gain the strength.  So you try to go for a short run, but when you come home the pain returns and you feel like you are at square one.  However, you ice it, you treat it well and the next day it is better.  You really want to run, but you know you need to take it slow, so you do a short walk again.  One day your knee may feel fine, and the next day it might hurt again.  It's all part of the process of healing

That's how I feel right now.  I want to run so badly!  I want to be over all this pain, and questioning and confusion.  I want to be at the place where we've come to terms with our situation (whether that be adoption, or not having children, or miraculously conceiving) and we are in the next phase of life.

I think this is why I'm having such a hard time being around people with kids right now.  It's terrible!  Everywhere I go I see moms with their young kids.  It's probably because I'm usually out and about during school hours, so I only run into the moms with kids under the age of 5.  And every time, the only thought going through my head is, "That should be me."  It brings me to tears.  It's just not fair.  I feel like I should be at the point where I have kids entering into kindergarten right now.  I see myself as that mom.  The one dropping kids off at school, going home to be with the toddler, making finger paint and preparing kid-friendly meals, doing family activities on the weekends, tucking them in at night time.  And every time I see someone else doing these activities, my heart just breaks all over again.

It's not just about having a baby anymore.  It's not just about being pregnant.  I don't even know if I want to go through that, to go through the newborn stage and not get any sleep (have I mentioned how poorly I function without sleep?).  I just want a family.

I guess I feel like everything DH and I have worked for is pointless if we're not doing it for the sake of family.  Why do we have a 4 bedroom, fully furnished home?  Why have I mastered the skills of baking and cooking meals for more than 2 people?  Why do we have a car that can be loaded full for trips and camping and holidays?  Why do we have steady jobs?  Why do we live in a town that is clearly for people who are "settling" into life, full of family festivals, farmer's markets, and a community feel?  Why do all of our friends have children?  Why are we here right now???

Yet I don't want to leave this life.  Leaving would mean letting hope die.  I want to hold onto all we've built, for the hope that one day those empty rooms will be filled.  Is that foolish of me?

Appointment blues!

I'm feeling fed up today.  Fed up with appointments, and blood draws, and drugs, and side-effects, and doctors and everything...  And right now we're not even cycling!

This month, since my job ended, I've had more time on my hands.  So, I thought it was a good time to "deal with" all the other stuff in my life that has been put on hold due to fertility.  So, I booked dentist appointments, PAP and physicals, eye appointments, and even a meeting to make up a will.  I thought I'd get my yearly dose in a month and it would be over with.  It hasn't proven to be so.

First of all, I got my blood work results back.  Nothing is majorly wrong, but my white blood cells are low, my red blood cells are high, my platelets are low, and my iron is very low.  I'm back next week for a full physical with my MD and starting heavy iron supplements.  Plus my fertility doctor wants a phone consult to go over my results.  I just can't get a break!

Then I went to the dentist and was told I needed a crown on a tooth, and that they would prefer to have it done before the year was over.  So I booked that and went in (I hate dentists!), got high on the nitrous and had the work done.  That was a week ago, and since then I have had progressively worse pain  building in my mouth, spreading to my ear and head.  It gets worse at night and has kept me on Tylenol and Advil all week.  I went in today to see if the temporary crown needed an adjustment and the dentist told me that he thinks the nerve is dying.  So, rather than complete the crown next week, he is referring me for a root canal... more mouth surgery!

I still have to have my eye appointment, and complete our will.  I want a hair cut, but even that seems like a pain.  Appointments, appointments, appointments!  I feel like that is all my life is right now.  And this has nothing to do with all the emotional turmoil I am feeling right now (more on that later!).

There is more to life than this, right?
 

Blah stress!

I'm having a "blah" day today.  Actually it started last night and has carried on, despite the fact that it is a gorgeous sunny, fall, day.  It started when my MIL called.  We didn't get up to the phone but heard the answering machine.  She found us a TCM doctor in a different city and called the clinic to see what days they were available for us to come in and be checked.  Let me rewind and say we NEVER asked her to do this!  Yesterday she called to tell me about this doctor that DH's cousin had seen about seasonal allergies.  She told me that we should go see him.  I said I'd think about it.  Next thing I know, she is calling to make us an appointment!

I have NO intention of seeing another doctor.  We have tried the most up to date medical interventions, done multiple tests, had acupuncture and visited TCM on our own... so I have no faith that another doctor in the mix would help.  The thing is, DH's parents don't know all about our journey and what we have done to get this far, nor do I really want them to know.  There is just a lot about it that they wouldn't understand and it would become too uncomfortable to be around them having them know certain things.

So that set me off.  I hadn't realized how fragile I was feeling, but that made me almost burst into tears.

And, there's more to vent about...

It has been a stressful couple of weeks for DH.  I mentioned before that he had to do this huge exam/oral interview for work.  That has consumed him over the past little while.  Fortunately, I have not been working as much, so I have picked up the slack with the dog, the house, and the people in our lives.  His exam was on Wednesday, and despite all his worries, he passed with flying colors (like I knew he would)!  By the time Wednesday was over, I was just done.  After a few weeks of walking the dog twice a day, making meals, doing all the dishes, cleaning the house, answering phone calls and emails, plus working my own job... I needed a break too!  I knew he would be spent and exhausted afterwards, but since the stress was passed, I hoped he would have a little bit of something to give back.   Or at least some acknowledgement for all the effort I had put into supporting DH.  I know he appreciates it, but I needed him to show me, or something!  

This is where DH and I have a problem.  I am not okay with his stress style.  When he is stressed out, he can only focus on the one issue at hand.  It's like he completely blocks out everything else in his life!  So dishes pile up, laundry is strewn all over the floors, to-do lists are completely forgotten, heck, he won't even eat unless I make him.  Neither will he have any energy to give back to me emotionally, or physically.  When he's had enough of his work for the day, he will sleep, or play guitar to unwind.  Not go for a walk with me, or sit and chat, or anything like that.  And once the stressor is past, he is too exhausted from not taking care of himself, that it takes him a good week to get back to normal.

So let's just say I'm super mad at him!  I don't want to be.  I want to love him.  I want us to get back to normal.  I don't want to be bitter or hold resentment, but right now I do!  Because I really don't think that his whole stress process is fair!  I know not everything in life is fair, but what do you do when one person's style of dealing with stress, just leaves the other person completely isolated and upset?  Will this be a battle we have for the rest of our lives?  Am I really the one who has to change... because I sure as heck do not want to, and I really think HE is the one who needs to!  I feel like for me to give in gives him the authorization that how he acted was okay and reinforces his "bad" behavior.  Can anyone else share their perspective???

2012 Creme de la Creme

Once again this year I will be participating in the 2012 Creme de la Creme put on by Stirrup Queens.  If you haven't heard about it, you can find the info here.

I need your help!  There was a lot that I posted about this past year.  A lot of heartache, a lot of questioning, a lot of hopelessness...but I need to pick ONE post that stands out above the others.  So, if you have a memory of something I wrote about that resonated with you, please let me know what it was.  You don't have to go back and find the post, but if there were any topics, or moments that you remember as standing out, please let me know what they are.

That would be much appreciated!  Thank you.

No Cysts!!!

AF finally rolled into town so I called up my RE to do the check to see if I had cysts on my ovary.  At our last IUI he was worried that my follicles were measuring the same as the previous month and that they may have been cysts.  So he wanted to see me at my next cycle to check.  But, we didn't feel like going back right away, and then we were away, so I finally had a chance to make the 3-hour trek with a friend yesterday.

And... NO cysts!  Hooray!

I guess it was good to connect with our RE again, since it's been a couple of months (last IUI was in August).  I asked him why he thought we got pregnant on one IUI and not the other two.  Of course, he had no answers.  We talked about next steps.  We still want to take a little break, and with Christmas coming don't want the stress of cycling again too.  But I think we might want to try one more IUI.  He said that would be great to do in the new year.  After that, though, he thinks we should move onto IVF.    He said we are "prime candidates" for IVF; however there still is only a 50% success rate.  At this point, I just don't think we'll pursue IVF.  I would rather start putting money and energy into the adoption process.  But, we'll give IUI one more shot and see what happens.

I didn't end up having an emotional breakdown yesterday like I expected, but I felt pretty emotional inside.  I couldn't help but think that November is the 1-year mark since we first met with the RE and started this whole process of official assisted reproductive therapy.  Multiple trips down to Victoria.  Multiple rounds of clomid.  Multiple hormone swings.  Multiple pounds put on.  Three IUIs.  One pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage.  Multiple hours, and days, and weeks of waiting and hoping... for nothing in the end...

November is also the month that our child would have been born.

I told my friend on the drive home yesterday that if I had any advice for someone starting on the journey of IF, it would be to throw out all timelines of expectation.  Naively, when we started with the RE a year ago (after TTC and doing multiple other tests/interventions for the previous 4 years), I expected things would happen soon.  I thought we would try at least 3 IUIs and be pregnant within the 3-month mark.  I did not anticipate missing the window of ovulation a couple of times, missing a month due to the office being closed over Christmas, missing many more months waiting for our blighted ovum to miscarry, missing months while waiting months for the miscarriage to be over with and my body to get back to normal... so much waiting!  A year later, here we are!   All of that missed time felt like "wasted" time in my life.  It made me mad, it made me bitter, it ruined parts of my life.  If I had of known the waiting was normal, I hope I could have been more gracious to the process.

I'll be glad to have 2012 over.  It definitely was NOT the greatest year of my life.  Let's hope the year ahead will be better to us.