The Silence of Suffering

I like my dog but... she is not that great with toddlers yet.  It's not that she doesn't like them - she just doesn't quite understand what they are yet, and tries to lunge at them and nip...  So, when we were at the park playing with the other dogs and a little toddler starting coming towards us, I leashed her up.  The man next to me asked me about it, and when I explained he asked if I have any kids.  When I said "no," his immediate reply was, "Well, you should really get started on that!"

It's comments like that that make this struggle so hard.  I was talking to my DH about the "olden days" back in Bible times when they didn't have things like birth control.  If a married woman did not have any children after a little while, it would be pretty obvious to everyone that something was up.  Nowadays, however, it's not that obvious.  Those of us who are infertile are not seen outwardly as different than those who are choosing not to have kids.  And so innocent seeming comments can hurt so much more.  We are silent sufferers.  Infertility is not an open, discuss in broad daylight kind of topic.  And I think silent suffering is the hardest part.  I wish I could just tell everyone about it.  I just have no idea how to let my suffering be known...  It's also not just mine to share, but my husband's as well.  I think for guys there can be more a sense of shame, for some reason or other.  I just wouldn't want to cause my DH to feel any worse about it than he already does (though nothing has been confirmed to be a problem on his end either).  Blah!

In other news, I did see a counsellor today.  It was actually a really good experience and I plan to go back.  It was cathartic, which I needed... but it also I think affected me deeper and spurred on some needed change.  I want to be more aware of my emotions, and not feel the need to suppress the ones I'm scared of and don't like.  As a counsellor I know to do this, but it's not necessarily something I am good at.  The TCM doctor told me that my struggle may be more emotional and the "bottling up" of emotions within me.  I never thought I was a "bottler" but then I never even knew what anger truly was, or remember feeling sad, or other emotions I thought were "bad" when I was little.  I'm not sure if that was just learned behavior from my parents (I think part of it was for sure) or something more, but it's something that has stuck with me.  I'm not just trying this as yet another thing to "try" in hopes of making this work, but I think there may be validity in it.  I don't know if I'll go back to the acupuncturist.  I just really don't like acupuncture.  My last treatment was super painful.  I think she is one of the doctors who thinks that if there is some sort of blockage, she has to dig the needle in deeper to "break though" the blockage.  That just bloody hurt!  The whole experience was way more stressful than I think it should have been.  It left a bruise in my belly even.  Who bruises their belly?  I did burst into tears at one point, and she told me it was good for me to release my inner emotions.  Yet, I do that on almost a daily basis lately, it seems.  Anyways, she did order some herbs for me to help with "spleen" blockage, so I will pick those up and give them a try. 

My best friend since I was 6 years old is coming to visit tomorrow.  I warned her that I was a stress case right now, but I am really excited to see her!  I'll try to keep my clomid induced tears and meltdowns to a minimum. 

For Fun

Just came across an awesome blog and post that made me laugh like crazy!  Happy reading.

http://joysofinfertility.com/2011/but-thats-the-fun-part-right.php#comment-133

TCM and Acupuncture

Well, I visited another TCM practitioner today.  I specifically wanted to check about traditional chinese medical herbs.  Let me back up a bit to fill in some things that have happened in the last month or so. 

First of all, I met my new baby niece for the first time.  The visit actually went pretty well.  I didn't have any major meltdowns like I expected.  She was sweet but still a bit too little to have much personality, so I didn't feel like I bonded terribly to her (which was just fine).  The hardest part about the visit was being around my parents.  I don't know why, but it just made me incredibly mad seeing them act as grandparents.  I felt like my dad wasn't being authentic and was just saying things that he thought he should say - cheesy jokes about being a grandfather and how his granddaughter was the best thing ever.  It just annoyed me.  Anyways, got through that and started the new job and have been spending time adjusting to it all.

In other news, did I mention about DH's cousin?  I recently found out that she has been struggling with infertility as well.  And then she heard about this TCM doctor in Oregon who specializes with infertility and who actually offers a money back guarantee if you don't get pregnant within the year.  She went to see him and was diagnosed with a cold uterus.  She started on some chinese herbs and actually became pregnant right away.  However, she had a miscarriage and lost the baby before she was very far.  DH's mom had offered to take me to see this doctor, but after we found out about the miscarriage we weren't sure what to think.  I decided that I still would like to pursue the route of TCM because I've heard of a lot of success with it.  So today I went to talk to a doctor here in town to see if she could help.  She asked me a lot of questions and then did an acupuncture treatment and massage.  She said that my case was hard to diagnose (mainly because nothing really seems wrong), but during acupuncture she talked about spleen qi blockage and too much heat in my abdomen.  My stomach is pretty sensitive and ticklish (isn't everyone's?) and she said that means that the energy was blocked and not getting through there.  I really don't know.  I'm still not sure I fully buy everything she said, but the acupuncture was kind of nice.  She did way more needles than the ND usually does.  I started to get a bit anxious part-way through and told her, and then as I was talking about it I started crying.  She said it was good because I was releasing emotion.  After the treatment she did a massage on my abdomen.  I felt really good after, like I had a huge emotional release.   And I was really tired too.  She said I should come back next week and that she did have a formulation that would help to release the energy in my abdomen.  I just don't know.  I never like acupuncture while it is happening, and I don't know if I feel way different after, but I feel like I am doing SOMETHING!  I'm sure that energy release is never a bad thing (if in fact it is working).  I don't know.  Has anyone had experience with acupuncture and found it helpful? 

Blogging

I am still what would be considered "new" to blogging and, as you can tell, still do not blog on a regular basis. But what I am stuck up on is how to "get followers" for my blog? And let me say right away that it is not that I want the fame or fortune that comes with having followers (which is something I don't get to tell you the truth). What I am looking for is meaningful exchange of ideas and support through this medium. I'm just not quite sure how to find it. I think I will try to expand my blog a bit and work on attracting other audiences too. I probably should check back on things a bit more often too... But if anyone has any tips, I would be very glad to hear them! Maybe I will start to advertise my blog with some friends and that too... I just should read through and make sure that there is nothing I don't want others to come across (esp. about DH for his own privacy too).

Anyways, things on this front have been in transition yet going well. I have started my new job (almost a month there now), and found the adjustment was actually quite tough. I was working both jobs for a while, and then trying to get used to the extra time off (which I promptly filled with all sorts of projects and things to the point that Thanksgiving weekend was actually exhausting!). I am finally now getting into a better schedule of things. And now I'm trying to decide if I should take on a bit more work that has been offered to me (an awesome opportunity) or if that will get in the way of other things that are more important too. I hope the next month will be really settling into the routine of things. I'll try to post a few pics at the end of this post, just to update you on what I've been up to.

This is a shot of our recent time at Long Beach, Tofino. If you've never been, you just have to go!

And here is a picture of our dog and my baby niece I just met recently:

And a project I took up this weekend - picking and dealing with the apples from our tree. Made a dozen litres of applesauce and apple cider. Yum!

Guilty as charged...

Guilt. I recently realized that this is something that I am carrying with me on this journey of infertility. Not a guilt that I have done something wrong. And not a guilt that I am somehow inferior. But a guilt and shame that cannot be easily described. This is why we have not told many people about our struggles. I feel like naming it implies somehow that we are not _____(fill in the blank) enough. Not good enough. Not trying enough. Not well enough. Not stress-free enough. Not enough.

I hate this disease. I hate that we have to grieve in secrecy. I hate all the stupid comments insensitive people make. I hate not knowing how to deal with the emotional consequences, and not even know where to go or who to go to...

I just found a site and read an article on unexplained infertility that I really appreciated. It described me. Maybe this will be of some hope to someone else too.

http://www.resolve.org/diagnosis-management/infertility-diagnosis/unexplained-infertility.html