It's a rare day that I actually have a chance to sit down and write a little bit. I long to do so more often... but there are always other things that have to come first. The boys are both napping, and I am sipping coffee rather than lying down for a catnap. It's over a year since they've been born, and I still feel the need to nap every single day. Even if it's just for 10 minutes... I have such a hard time getting through the day otherwise. My days start at 6am and end at 10pm, so it feels like two back-to-back 8-hour shifts. The midday closing of the eyes helps me make it through. But it is also my only time "alone" so I want to start taking it back for myself, though some days sleep is the best thing I need.
But that's all beside the point.
The point is, we are officially done nursing. And I feel so mixed about it.
On one hand, I am glad it went very smoothly. I didn't really decide to be done, but we decided to try to cut out bottles more in the daytime, and switch the boys to sippy cups. This encouraged them to drink more milk throughout the daytime. I really was only nursing first thing in the morning. But that nursing session got faster and faster, until they weren't really drinking at all and were only waiting for their cup of milk later on (and the cheerios that go with it). So I experimented giving them a bottle or cup first thing in the morning, and all of a sudden... that's what they want. There were a few days where RJ was waking up in the night when he was sick and I tried to nurse them, to help speed up his recovery. But now, if I show them my breast, they just sort of examine it with a look like, "Yeah, I remember that thing" but they don't care to latch on anymore.
And so I think we're done.
It happened rather abruptly for me. I stopped pumping on their first birthday, but I planned to keep nursing in the morning, and in the daytime or night if they were upset/hurt/in pain for a while longer...maybe until they were 2 years old. I feel like, though, they saw the breast for nourishment, not as much for comfort. And now that they are getting filled elsewhere, they just don't think they need it. They are also busy little boys. They don't want to stop playing to nurse. No thank you mom!
I would do things differently if there were a next time. I transitioned them pretty quickly to cow's milk, though now I realize I didn't really need to. We started giving a bottle as part of the bedtime routine a long time ago, and I wish I would have kept that to be a special nursing time. Also with sleep training, we stopped night nursing a long time ago. But now I miss all those things. All of my other friends with twins are done nursing too. I just don't know if I was quite ready...
There is a part of me that feels like motherhood is about being physically connected to my babies. For 8 months I carried them inside my body. Then I birthed them out of my body. Then for a whole year I sustained their life through my body. It is such an incredible, bonding experience. I guess I am now reframing my definition of motherhood as they (in a small way) detach from me. It's a little bit sad.
Those last few sessions nursing were very precious. RJ had been sick and he cuddled and nursed for almost 20 minutes one time. I won't ever forget those times of cuddles. Overall, I am glad I had such a positive experience with nursing, even though it wasn't always easy. I know I am lucky to have made it this far, and though it's sad, we are onto another chapter which will bring new joys.
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Saturday, November 1, 2014
A day in the life of one year old twins
It's been a while since I've done a "day in the life of" blog post. Now that the boys are one, I thought it would be neat to share what our (hectic) day looks like. This is an example of a day that I am home with the boys alone.
6:00-7:00am - The boys usually wake up within this window (though last night we put them to bed at 7 and they slept through until 7:40am!!!). I go into their room to greet them, and then take turns nursing them while the other one plays with toys in the room. Oh, and the dog joins me to greet the boys first thing every morning.
7:00 - Cheerios and free play. The first thing that RJ does when we leave the room is he goes to the kitchen and points at the cheerios cupboard and whines. Every. Single. Morning. Haha, he is relentless when he wants something. They each get a little cup of cheerios and we go into the living room (where they eat a few and shake most of the rest to the floor for the dog). I set out a few toys, put on some music and they play while I get organized for the morning. I put on the kettle (for tea, then for coffee), empty the dishwasher, make breakfast, try to make some snacks for the day, and currently boil water (we're on a boil water advisory so all our drinking water has to be boiled).
7:30/8:00 - We eat breakfast together. Breakfast normally is a bowl of oatmeal, a shared piece of toast, and some bananna. On days when we have more time we do pancakes, french toast or eggs.
8:00 - Playtime, get dressed, change diapers, and wake up dad (by jumping on him in bed, of course)
8:30/9:00 - By 9:00 the boys are down for their first nap, and usually sleep at least an hour, maybe an hour and a half. This nap usually isn't a problem and they like to cuddle back in bed (so would I). This is my time to get myself organized for the day, so I shower, clean up breakfast, start any laundry for the day and pack up our bag for the day.
10:30 - Once the boys are up, they get a bottle of milk (about 200mLs). We are working to transition them to sippy cups, but they still love their bottles. We change diapers and then usually try to head out to do something before lunch (baby group, StrongStart, groceries, or play at the park). If we don't go out here it makes the day a little long.
12:00 - We aim to come home for lunch by this time and the boys have lunch, play around a little, and then go down for 2nd nap. Lunch typically is sandwich, or crackers with hummus, cheese, veggies, and apple or orange.
1:00/1:30 - Naptime. I usually take a little break here and try to close my eyes for a few minutes at least, but this is also the best time if I need to do any work (emails, phone calls) or prepare dinner.
3:00 - Boys are up and have another bottle of milk (200mls). There are not usually too many activities for one-year olds in the afternoon, so this is where we try to be creative. It's quite a long stretch between now and naptime, so I try to break it up. If it's not pouring rain, we usually go out for a good walk during this time. If it is, we sometimes have someone over, or I have baby help to play with the boys while I do other household chores. Or we go for a drive and go shopping. Their dad usually comes home during this time and joins in the fun.
5:00 - Home for dinner. The boys still eat dinner really early so we don't eat all together, which is something I am looking forward to. They eat much better when we are eating too, but there is just no way I am organized or hungry for our dinner by 5pm. Dinner is usually leftovers from whatever we ate the night before if the boys can eat it. They're a bit more picky right now, but they still like baby mush (jar food), pasta, sometimes squash and sweet potato. Finding ways to serve them meat is the challenge. I hope they soon start to feed themselves too...
5:30/6:00 - After dinner they have their final playtime. These last few hours are the "crazy hours" where they are active, needy, whiny, and just need to burn off energy! A few times we have gone to the park, but since it's fall now, it's usually too dark/wet. All the toys get played with and thrown around until finally it's time to get ready for bed.
6:00/6:30 - Bedtime routine - We only bath them every second night (though they LOVE their bath). Bedtime routine is bath, diaper, PJs, bottle (180mLs formula), story, sleepsac, soother, and bed. They usually go down no problem! Depending on how their last nap went, they usually are asleep by 6:30/7:00. And we are exhausted!!!
But it's not over yet.... I like to do a quick tidy once we put them down so at least the toys are put away. Then we finally eat our dinner. Then it's time to do final dishes cleanup, sweep and mop the floors (they get so dirty every single day from these boys now), prepare food for the next day (usually just planning and pulling out meat), finish drying/folding laundry (it never gets put away on time) and get ready to start all over again in the morning. That usually takes me till 8:30/9:00 when I finally put on the kettle for a cup of tea to enjoy, check my email, and cuddle up to watch some TV. I try to be in bed by 10pm, just in case there are night wakings or an early start.
And that's about it.
As you can see, it is so busy just managing the day-to-day that I still find it tricky to fit in any "extra" chores/jobs/activities. That is something I really want to focus on especially as we come to the new year. I find that all day I am planning and preparing for what is next, but I'd like to be able to just breathe a little bit more and live in the moment. Now that I have started work, there is a whole new dynamic (that I'll write about on a different day). But I do enjoy it all. I love doing all the tasks that keep my family running. I'm still learning how to adjust to this as my "new normal" but I think we're doing a pretty good job at managing so far.
Thoughts? Any suggestions or stories to share about how your day looks?
6:00-7:00am - The boys usually wake up within this window (though last night we put them to bed at 7 and they slept through until 7:40am!!!). I go into their room to greet them, and then take turns nursing them while the other one plays with toys in the room. Oh, and the dog joins me to greet the boys first thing every morning.
7:00 - Cheerios and free play. The first thing that RJ does when we leave the room is he goes to the kitchen and points at the cheerios cupboard and whines. Every. Single. Morning. Haha, he is relentless when he wants something. They each get a little cup of cheerios and we go into the living room (where they eat a few and shake most of the rest to the floor for the dog). I set out a few toys, put on some music and they play while I get organized for the morning. I put on the kettle (for tea, then for coffee), empty the dishwasher, make breakfast, try to make some snacks for the day, and currently boil water (we're on a boil water advisory so all our drinking water has to be boiled).
7:30/8:00 - We eat breakfast together. Breakfast normally is a bowl of oatmeal, a shared piece of toast, and some bananna. On days when we have more time we do pancakes, french toast or eggs.
8:00 - Playtime, get dressed, change diapers, and wake up dad (by jumping on him in bed, of course)
8:30/9:00 - By 9:00 the boys are down for their first nap, and usually sleep at least an hour, maybe an hour and a half. This nap usually isn't a problem and they like to cuddle back in bed (so would I). This is my time to get myself organized for the day, so I shower, clean up breakfast, start any laundry for the day and pack up our bag for the day.
10:30 - Once the boys are up, they get a bottle of milk (about 200mLs). We are working to transition them to sippy cups, but they still love their bottles. We change diapers and then usually try to head out to do something before lunch (baby group, StrongStart, groceries, or play at the park). If we don't go out here it makes the day a little long.
12:00 - We aim to come home for lunch by this time and the boys have lunch, play around a little, and then go down for 2nd nap. Lunch typically is sandwich, or crackers with hummus, cheese, veggies, and apple or orange.
1:00/1:30 - Naptime. I usually take a little break here and try to close my eyes for a few minutes at least, but this is also the best time if I need to do any work (emails, phone calls) or prepare dinner.
3:00 - Boys are up and have another bottle of milk (200mls). There are not usually too many activities for one-year olds in the afternoon, so this is where we try to be creative. It's quite a long stretch between now and naptime, so I try to break it up. If it's not pouring rain, we usually go out for a good walk during this time. If it is, we sometimes have someone over, or I have baby help to play with the boys while I do other household chores. Or we go for a drive and go shopping. Their dad usually comes home during this time and joins in the fun.
5:00 - Home for dinner. The boys still eat dinner really early so we don't eat all together, which is something I am looking forward to. They eat much better when we are eating too, but there is just no way I am organized or hungry for our dinner by 5pm. Dinner is usually leftovers from whatever we ate the night before if the boys can eat it. They're a bit more picky right now, but they still like baby mush (jar food), pasta, sometimes squash and sweet potato. Finding ways to serve them meat is the challenge. I hope they soon start to feed themselves too...
5:30/6:00 - After dinner they have their final playtime. These last few hours are the "crazy hours" where they are active, needy, whiny, and just need to burn off energy! A few times we have gone to the park, but since it's fall now, it's usually too dark/wet. All the toys get played with and thrown around until finally it's time to get ready for bed.
6:00/6:30 - Bedtime routine - We only bath them every second night (though they LOVE their bath). Bedtime routine is bath, diaper, PJs, bottle (180mLs formula), story, sleepsac, soother, and bed. They usually go down no problem! Depending on how their last nap went, they usually are asleep by 6:30/7:00. And we are exhausted!!!
But it's not over yet.... I like to do a quick tidy once we put them down so at least the toys are put away. Then we finally eat our dinner. Then it's time to do final dishes cleanup, sweep and mop the floors (they get so dirty every single day from these boys now), prepare food for the next day (usually just planning and pulling out meat), finish drying/folding laundry (it never gets put away on time) and get ready to start all over again in the morning. That usually takes me till 8:30/9:00 when I finally put on the kettle for a cup of tea to enjoy, check my email, and cuddle up to watch some TV. I try to be in bed by 10pm, just in case there are night wakings or an early start.
And that's about it.
As you can see, it is so busy just managing the day-to-day that I still find it tricky to fit in any "extra" chores/jobs/activities. That is something I really want to focus on especially as we come to the new year. I find that all day I am planning and preparing for what is next, but I'd like to be able to just breathe a little bit more and live in the moment. Now that I have started work, there is a whole new dynamic (that I'll write about on a different day). But I do enjoy it all. I love doing all the tasks that keep my family running. I'm still learning how to adjust to this as my "new normal" but I think we're doing a pretty good job at managing so far.
Thoughts? Any suggestions or stories to share about how your day looks?
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
First Birthday!
My twins turned one this past weekend!!!
If you'd like to check out the pictures/story, you can see them on my blog here:
http://wildislandlove.blogspot.ca/2014/10/the-wild-rumpus.html
Enjoy! I can't believe my little boys are ONE!
If you'd like to check out the pictures/story, you can see them on my blog here:
http://wildislandlove.blogspot.ca/2014/10/the-wild-rumpus.html
Enjoy! I can't believe my little boys are ONE!
Sunday, October 19, 2014
One year old!
The best year of my life. I love you little foxes!
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Leaving baby time
The twins' first birthday is right around the corner (4 days, to be exact!). Before it passes, I thought I'd take a moment to sit and gather my thoughts about it all.
Tonight is a lovely night. It's 8pm, the boys are in bed, all the chores are done (besides folding laundry), and I'm sipping tea in a house to myself after a busy Thanksgiving weekend. This morning I hired a housecleaner for the first time to deep clean my kitchen. Then, this afternoon a family friend sent her daughter over to be a "mother's helper" and play with the kids while I cooked (turkey leftovers!). My hubby fed the boys dinner while I escaped for a run. Then we put them to bed and that was it. It actually felt way too easy. And then it got me thinking...
This entire year has been a marathon every single day. I know that life with kids is busy, but I think that life with infant twins is a type of busy you just can't explain. All day today I found myself thinking, "what should I be DOING right now." Because, really, there is not ever a single moment to yourself. Even when you have down time, your mind is full of a list of all the things that still need to be done. Always.
I think that this IS parenthood, but I also think that life adapts and adjusts so that it doesn't feel quite as frantic as the first year (or it just changes to a different kind of frantic). Luckily, I enjoy being busy. But just having one day that was "easy" made me realize how busy I really have been. It's probably a good thing for me to start to slow down a little if I can.
The boys are starting to change more rapidly every day. It's not their physical appearance as much, but their personalities and capabilities. It is incredible to watch.
Also, it terrifies me.
For years, we longed and longed to hold a baby in our arms. Though "family" was the long-term focus, the immediate attention was on getting pregnant and having a baby. Then that was achieved. All this year we have lived in that dream, taking care of two miracle babies. And now they are nearly "not" babies anymore. A year changes that. And I really haven't planned or prepared for what is ahead.
I know we will figure out our role and place as we need to, but I feel this urge to make time stop and just "be" in the time we are in right now. People say the first year goes so fast. For me, it didn't. It was hard work. Every day I achieved was a celebration. Every milestone a recognition that we were moving ahead. When I think about the twins turning one, of course I am happy. But there is also a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Is this baby time really almost over? (I know they're still technically "babies" for a while, but toddlerhood is more on the horizon and the one year marker makes me very aware of this).
Despite what we have to celebrate now, I am still struck by the pangs of infertility pain at unexpected times. Somehow, leaving baby time makes me feel like I should have that all resolved. But I don't.
It's not that the first year went too fast... it's just that I don't know if I'm ready for what's ahead.
But, ready or not, here we go.
I'll let you know how it goes ;)
Tonight is a lovely night. It's 8pm, the boys are in bed, all the chores are done (besides folding laundry), and I'm sipping tea in a house to myself after a busy Thanksgiving weekend. This morning I hired a housecleaner for the first time to deep clean my kitchen. Then, this afternoon a family friend sent her daughter over to be a "mother's helper" and play with the kids while I cooked (turkey leftovers!). My hubby fed the boys dinner while I escaped for a run. Then we put them to bed and that was it. It actually felt way too easy. And then it got me thinking...
This entire year has been a marathon every single day. I know that life with kids is busy, but I think that life with infant twins is a type of busy you just can't explain. All day today I found myself thinking, "what should I be DOING right now." Because, really, there is not ever a single moment to yourself. Even when you have down time, your mind is full of a list of all the things that still need to be done. Always.
I think that this IS parenthood, but I also think that life adapts and adjusts so that it doesn't feel quite as frantic as the first year (or it just changes to a different kind of frantic). Luckily, I enjoy being busy. But just having one day that was "easy" made me realize how busy I really have been. It's probably a good thing for me to start to slow down a little if I can.
The boys are starting to change more rapidly every day. It's not their physical appearance as much, but their personalities and capabilities. It is incredible to watch.
Also, it terrifies me.
For years, we longed and longed to hold a baby in our arms. Though "family" was the long-term focus, the immediate attention was on getting pregnant and having a baby. Then that was achieved. All this year we have lived in that dream, taking care of two miracle babies. And now they are nearly "not" babies anymore. A year changes that. And I really haven't planned or prepared for what is ahead.
I know we will figure out our role and place as we need to, but I feel this urge to make time stop and just "be" in the time we are in right now. People say the first year goes so fast. For me, it didn't. It was hard work. Every day I achieved was a celebration. Every milestone a recognition that we were moving ahead. When I think about the twins turning one, of course I am happy. But there is also a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Is this baby time really almost over? (I know they're still technically "babies" for a while, but toddlerhood is more on the horizon and the one year marker makes me very aware of this).
Despite what we have to celebrate now, I am still struck by the pangs of infertility pain at unexpected times. Somehow, leaving baby time makes me feel like I should have that all resolved. But I don't.
It's not that the first year went too fast... it's just that I don't know if I'm ready for what's ahead.
But, ready or not, here we go.
I'll let you know how it goes ;)
Friday, October 3, 2014
Sick babies
My babes are sick for the first real time, since being young (and having stuffy noses). This week has been full on coughing, sneezing, snotty noses, needy, clingy, not wanting to eat, not wanting to sleep...the list goes on. It's been a week of 5:30am wakings, 30 minute naps, and nap protests. This mama is tiiiired! There's been little downtime, and now hubby and I are sick too. I keep expecting life to get easier, but then things like this come along, and show me again how little control I have in a world of babies.
But, amongst it all, there was a glimmer of light. My little MJ learned to say "mama" finally. Sure, he follows me around ALL day like a little puppy pulling on my pant legs and saying "mama, mama." Sure he cried when I left and didn't let dad put him down for nap because he only wanted mama. Sure he wants to be picked up a million times a day and my arms and back are killing me. But I have a sweet little boy who truly loves his mama.
But, amongst it all, there was a glimmer of light. My little MJ learned to say "mama" finally. Sure, he follows me around ALL day like a little puppy pulling on my pant legs and saying "mama, mama." Sure he cried when I left and didn't let dad put him down for nap because he only wanted mama. Sure he wants to be picked up a million times a day and my arms and back are killing me. But I have a sweet little boy who truly loves his mama.
Friday, September 19, 2014
Being a mom
I don't know who reads this blog much anymore. If there is anyone reading who is still in the TTC trenches. If there is, this may be a post you want to skip... maybe. :)
Giving birth to children and becoming a mother are life changing events... there is no doubt about it. As I have written about before, for me, the transition was not seamless, despite the incredible love I have for my children. I struggled (and still do) to make sense of my new identity, to reconcile the hurt and pain from years in the trenches, and to adapt to my new role. And now, nearly a year in, I find that role changing once again.
My boys are no longer completely dependent little babies. Yes, they still are little. They still are babies. And they still depend on me. But now entirely like they did when they were one month old. They are branching out in their little world, discovering what it means to be apart from "mom" for a period of time, and learning things like how to move, to communicate, and to eat on their own. This transformation is truly incredible.
As I wrote about in this post, I, too, am branching out, back to the life that was put on hold when these little beings entered my life. And just as they face separation anxiety being away from me, so I face anxiety being away from them and trying to find my way in a land that is familiar and yet so different.
So much changes in one year with children.
I am not the same counsellor who left my job a year ago.
I am not the same friend I was before I had children.
I am not the same wife who lived childless with my husband for 8 years before these boys entered our lives.
I think it is only natural to feel anxious.
I haven't yet figured out how to really enjoy life "on my own" again. My best (and hardest) moments are when I am with my children.
I. Love. Being. Their. Mom. SOOOOO. Much.
It's all I really want to do right now.
I anticipate the milestone next month with a bit of trepidation. In some ways, I want things to stay exactly as they are right now forever. I know that can't be.
But I just want to hold on a little longer. I'm not quite ready to move ahead just yet.
Giving birth to children and becoming a mother are life changing events... there is no doubt about it. As I have written about before, for me, the transition was not seamless, despite the incredible love I have for my children. I struggled (and still do) to make sense of my new identity, to reconcile the hurt and pain from years in the trenches, and to adapt to my new role. And now, nearly a year in, I find that role changing once again.
My boys are no longer completely dependent little babies. Yes, they still are little. They still are babies. And they still depend on me. But now entirely like they did when they were one month old. They are branching out in their little world, discovering what it means to be apart from "mom" for a period of time, and learning things like how to move, to communicate, and to eat on their own. This transformation is truly incredible.
As I wrote about in this post, I, too, am branching out, back to the life that was put on hold when these little beings entered my life. And just as they face separation anxiety being away from me, so I face anxiety being away from them and trying to find my way in a land that is familiar and yet so different.
So much changes in one year with children.
I am not the same counsellor who left my job a year ago.
I am not the same friend I was before I had children.
I am not the same wife who lived childless with my husband for 8 years before these boys entered our lives.
I think it is only natural to feel anxious.
I haven't yet figured out how to really enjoy life "on my own" again. My best (and hardest) moments are when I am with my children.
I. Love. Being. Their. Mom. SOOOOO. Much.
It's all I really want to do right now.
I anticipate the milestone next month with a bit of trepidation. In some ways, I want things to stay exactly as they are right now forever. I know that can't be.
But I just want to hold on a little longer. I'm not quite ready to move ahead just yet.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Sunday, September 7, 2014
The 8-9-10 Month Sleep Regression
Nobody told me about sleep regressions before having kids. Sure, I assumed the first few weeks would be tough, but I naively assumed that once you "trained" your kids to sleep properly, they would be sweet dreamers and sleep through the night no problem. Boy I was wrong! Even with a sleep consultant at our side, and fairly well sleeping babies, I must say I can only count a handful of nights that BOTH babies have actually slept all the way through.
This week we picked up our sleep training hard core again. I'll write more about how it goes once I have more to say. But can I just say that this current regression is a beast! It's hard to explain exactly what this regression is all about, but most information I find online says that somewhere between 8-10 months, it is common for babies to become like newborns again. It's a combination of huge brain development (I think we are in one of the toughest "Wonder Weeks" yet), teething, and just a bunch of stuff altogether.
Yesterday RJ refused to nap all day, and only slept for 30 minutes in a sling while we went for a walk. Last night MJ took over an hour to settle back to sleep after waking up. And this morning I just spent an hour getting RJ to nap, and only succeeded when I held him, rocked him, and sang to him, like when he was a newborn.
As exasperating as it is at times, all I could think today was how lucky I am to have these boys in my life. I love them SO MUCH it literally hurts. Sure, it's tough at 3am when all you want it your warm bed, but they are so seriously incredible. It pains me when they have a tough time falling asleep, and yet it is what they want and need most. But the little cuddles, the sweet softness of breath, the silky skin up against yours... it takes my breath away. I love you little bundles!
This week we picked up our sleep training hard core again. I'll write more about how it goes once I have more to say. But can I just say that this current regression is a beast! It's hard to explain exactly what this regression is all about, but most information I find online says that somewhere between 8-10 months, it is common for babies to become like newborns again. It's a combination of huge brain development (I think we are in one of the toughest "Wonder Weeks" yet), teething, and just a bunch of stuff altogether.
Yesterday RJ refused to nap all day, and only slept for 30 minutes in a sling while we went for a walk. Last night MJ took over an hour to settle back to sleep after waking up. And this morning I just spent an hour getting RJ to nap, and only succeeded when I held him, rocked him, and sang to him, like when he was a newborn.
As exasperating as it is at times, all I could think today was how lucky I am to have these boys in my life. I love them SO MUCH it literally hurts. Sure, it's tough at 3am when all you want it your warm bed, but they are so seriously incredible. It pains me when they have a tough time falling asleep, and yet it is what they want and need most. But the little cuddles, the sweet softness of breath, the silky skin up against yours... it takes my breath away. I love you little bundles!
Monday, September 1, 2014
10 Months
Ooops...I'm late on this post AND I think I completely forgot to post anything last month. Hopefully I'll catch up soon. But in the meantime, here are the little gaffers at 10 months!
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Losing "control"
Those people who said that life gets easier with twins after the first six months are wrong. As fun and cuddly and cute as these boys are, they are busy and a handful! And sleep loss when you have a newborn is one thing...but sleep loss when you have two nearly-toddlers to keep up with is not fun!
This is a bit of a vent post, so I'll warn you in advance. Actually, though, I haven't written for a while, but today I really feel the need to process my thoughts, so you people get to be the recipients (lucky you!).
I had a bad day with the boys today. The whole day wasn't terrible, but we had an awful night last night (one of the worst in the books). Then MJ decided to skip his morning nap and threw the whole day off. We had to miss baby group, and the boys' nap schedules were off sync. That means that the 2-3 hours I usually get to myself was gone. MJ was just being sooooo difficult! I don't know if it was teething, or just a restless mind as he tries to conquer standing on his own, but it was so frustrating for me. All the tricks we normally use to settle him did not work.
I found out that I really don't roll well with the punches, especially not when I have "plans" that get ruined. I guess it's an aspect of control. So, when the night and then the day were thrown off kilter, I just melted down. Eventually I regrouped. The boys finally went down together for an afternoon nap and I closed my eyes for 45 minutes. Once they were up again my mom came to the rescue and took the boys to the park so I could make dinner and have a few moment's silence. The day ended on a really good note.
I just really, really, really, really hate it when I get to that point where I feel like I can't handle things! I wrote about my anxiety a while back, and it really has improved. But days like today just frustrate me to no end. I am mostly upset about how upset it made me. Really, in the grand scheme of things, it wasn't a big deal. The boys caught up on sleep, I eventually got to shower, and the day ended well. Just in the moment, I can't snap out of it. The frustration just ruins me. And I hate being that way to the boys and to my hubby.
I guess it's a work in progress. Sometimes I set expectations too high for myself.
Well I'm beat for today. I hope to follow this up with some more profound thoughts later on, but right now, I think I just need to go to bed.
Oh, before I forget to mention it.... guess who showed up yesterday? Good ol' AF. Nearly 18 months since I've seen that sight. Can I blame some of my mood on my hormones, haha?!?
This is a bit of a vent post, so I'll warn you in advance. Actually, though, I haven't written for a while, but today I really feel the need to process my thoughts, so you people get to be the recipients (lucky you!).
I had a bad day with the boys today. The whole day wasn't terrible, but we had an awful night last night (one of the worst in the books). Then MJ decided to skip his morning nap and threw the whole day off. We had to miss baby group, and the boys' nap schedules were off sync. That means that the 2-3 hours I usually get to myself was gone. MJ was just being sooooo difficult! I don't know if it was teething, or just a restless mind as he tries to conquer standing on his own, but it was so frustrating for me. All the tricks we normally use to settle him did not work.
I found out that I really don't roll well with the punches, especially not when I have "plans" that get ruined. I guess it's an aspect of control. So, when the night and then the day were thrown off kilter, I just melted down. Eventually I regrouped. The boys finally went down together for an afternoon nap and I closed my eyes for 45 minutes. Once they were up again my mom came to the rescue and took the boys to the park so I could make dinner and have a few moment's silence. The day ended on a really good note.
I just really, really, really, really hate it when I get to that point where I feel like I can't handle things! I wrote about my anxiety a while back, and it really has improved. But days like today just frustrate me to no end. I am mostly upset about how upset it made me. Really, in the grand scheme of things, it wasn't a big deal. The boys caught up on sleep, I eventually got to shower, and the day ended well. Just in the moment, I can't snap out of it. The frustration just ruins me. And I hate being that way to the boys and to my hubby.
I guess it's a work in progress. Sometimes I set expectations too high for myself.
Well I'm beat for today. I hope to follow this up with some more profound thoughts later on, but right now, I think I just need to go to bed.
Oh, before I forget to mention it.... guess who showed up yesterday? Good ol' AF. Nearly 18 months since I've seen that sight. Can I blame some of my mood on my hormones, haha?!?
Sunday, July 20, 2014
The spaces between
This is an honest post about loneliness, depression, anxiety, and change. I thought that maybe writing about how I am feeling would help me put words to some of the things I am having a hard time describing.
Lately, I feel like I'm in a bit of a funk. I know that I just shared in my last post about how happy I am in life...and it is true! I wasn't lying. But I was describing my life with my boys. This post is about the rest of my life. Anyways, I'll explain more as I go. Here goes:
I'll start off by first of all saying that this is not related at all to parenting. I LOVE being a mom. I love my boys and I am 100% fulfilled in taking care of them. Hooray! So that is good. In some ways I feel like I have a delayed form of PPD, but it's not necessarily depression. There is some anxiety. And some just blues.
I'm not really sure where the discontent is coming from. Actually, in some ways it feels like all the areas of my life apart from being a mom are in a funk. Socially: I don't really have friends (at least who live by me), apart from the moms that I have become dependent upon to keep me going. Ministry (church): I'm not interested in any of the church activities or work that we are a part of right now. I usually avoid events or just spend my time with the boys. Work: I am dreading going back to work. I know it will be "good" for me, and that we need to financially...but I just don't want to (insert temper tantrum face here!). Community: I am looking for ways to get more involved with moms and babies, as this is the area I feel most comfortable in, but most things are shut down for the summer. Romantic: DH and I are co-existing right now. We try to be lovey-dovey, but we just don't have the energy and all our time is spent with the boys. I feel a bit disconnected, though I know we are both trying to keep our relationship a priority. Physically: I have not been getting as much sleep lately, and I know this is affecting my moods. Also I don't have as much energy as I'd like to exercise and so I've hit a bit of a slump, which is also depressing.
Overall, I just feel like I have changed so much since going through infertility and then becoming a mom, but the change has not caught up to all the areas of my life. I know that it was just such a drastic switch from being so independent, to being so depended upon...and it makes me wonder if I lost part of myself in the process. No, I don't think I lost myself. I chose to let parts go. People warned me of becoming isolated after having twins, and it's not that. I'm not choosing to isolate myself because I feel overwhelmed. I just don't really want the life I had before. I feel like I have stepped away on purpose, but I'm not sure where to land my feet now.
I guess am finding my way into this new identity as a mom, but I question whether the way I am going is healthy, or right. All I care about right now is the mom side of myself. Is that okay? Is it normal? I'm not unhappy. In fact, most of the time, when I am with my boys, I am so full of joy. But when those moments pop up where I am not needed or have time to think for myself...I find myself feeling a little bit lost.
Has anyone else been here?
Thanks for letting me share. I feel like I can put words to what I am feeling now, and hopefully reach out to those who are around me a bit easier. Please share if you have been in a similar place and have any words of encouragement.
Lately, I feel like I'm in a bit of a funk. I know that I just shared in my last post about how happy I am in life...and it is true! I wasn't lying. But I was describing my life with my boys. This post is about the rest of my life. Anyways, I'll explain more as I go. Here goes:
I'll start off by first of all saying that this is not related at all to parenting. I LOVE being a mom. I love my boys and I am 100% fulfilled in taking care of them. Hooray! So that is good. In some ways I feel like I have a delayed form of PPD, but it's not necessarily depression. There is some anxiety. And some just blues.
I'm not really sure where the discontent is coming from. Actually, in some ways it feels like all the areas of my life apart from being a mom are in a funk. Socially: I don't really have friends (at least who live by me), apart from the moms that I have become dependent upon to keep me going. Ministry (church): I'm not interested in any of the church activities or work that we are a part of right now. I usually avoid events or just spend my time with the boys. Work: I am dreading going back to work. I know it will be "good" for me, and that we need to financially...but I just don't want to (insert temper tantrum face here!). Community: I am looking for ways to get more involved with moms and babies, as this is the area I feel most comfortable in, but most things are shut down for the summer. Romantic: DH and I are co-existing right now. We try to be lovey-dovey, but we just don't have the energy and all our time is spent with the boys. I feel a bit disconnected, though I know we are both trying to keep our relationship a priority. Physically: I have not been getting as much sleep lately, and I know this is affecting my moods. Also I don't have as much energy as I'd like to exercise and so I've hit a bit of a slump, which is also depressing.
Overall, I just feel like I have changed so much since going through infertility and then becoming a mom, but the change has not caught up to all the areas of my life. I know that it was just such a drastic switch from being so independent, to being so depended upon...and it makes me wonder if I lost part of myself in the process. No, I don't think I lost myself. I chose to let parts go. People warned me of becoming isolated after having twins, and it's not that. I'm not choosing to isolate myself because I feel overwhelmed. I just don't really want the life I had before. I feel like I have stepped away on purpose, but I'm not sure where to land my feet now.
I guess am finding my way into this new identity as a mom, but I question whether the way I am going is healthy, or right. All I care about right now is the mom side of myself. Is that okay? Is it normal? I'm not unhappy. In fact, most of the time, when I am with my boys, I am so full of joy. But when those moments pop up where I am not needed or have time to think for myself...I find myself feeling a little bit lost.
Has anyone else been here?
Thanks for letting me share. I feel like I can put words to what I am feeling now, and hopefully reach out to those who are around me a bit easier. Please share if you have been in a similar place and have any words of encouragement.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Summer luvin
Guys, can I tell you how much I just LOVE my life right now?
This summer is soooooo much fun! Seriously. It is super hard work, and having twin 8-(almost 9) month-olds has kept me busy. There are moments of monotony and frustration, and frantic effort, but I really am really, really loving my life. It is soooo different in so many ways, but it is starting to feel like "my" life again. What "my" life means has changed so much in definition, but I can finally say that I am starting to feel like a normal human being again.
I still don't get a lot of time to myself, and when I do, I barely know what to do with myself. By the time I get organized and start to do something, my time is up! So, I usually just putter around the house, looking for ways to get more organized, or nap. This means, though, that the summer has been super low key. Just the way it should be! I finally have moments where I don't feel like I "need" to be doing something. I can just sit and BE and enjoy the moment. Of course, this is still mixed with many frantic moments trying to finish so many things in the short time I have, but I love the challenge and it makes those relaxed moments so much more worth it.
I usually plan one "outing" for the day, whether it be a play date, or a shopping trip, or just a stroll by the ocean. We have a pretty strict routine, which I love and the babies thrive on. Lately everyone has commented on how good my boys are! I think I really am just lucky... and it could all change next week... but for now, I will savour it.
I love providing a clean, healthy, well-functioning home for my family. All the things I used to like to do for fun (garden, organize, bake, sew), now serve a very specific purpose, and I love it! Life is not as leisurely as it used to be (hah!), but it is filled with many of the same things, just in different ways. We are getting braver in taking the boys out. We went to a restaurant with friends for lunch. We've gone picnicking. We took them to the beach, for a hike, to the river, and of course, the pool in the backyard. We put them down early and have the evening to ourselves to go to the gym, or for a walk, or plunk in front of the TV and zone out (I have a slight addiction to the Walking Dead right now).
Life. Is. Good.
And here are a few pictures to show how great our summer is (babies tell it best...babies without clothes, even better)
This summer is soooooo much fun! Seriously. It is super hard work, and having twin 8-(almost 9) month-olds has kept me busy. There are moments of monotony and frustration, and frantic effort, but I really am really, really loving my life. It is soooo different in so many ways, but it is starting to feel like "my" life again. What "my" life means has changed so much in definition, but I can finally say that I am starting to feel like a normal human being again.
I still don't get a lot of time to myself, and when I do, I barely know what to do with myself. By the time I get organized and start to do something, my time is up! So, I usually just putter around the house, looking for ways to get more organized, or nap. This means, though, that the summer has been super low key. Just the way it should be! I finally have moments where I don't feel like I "need" to be doing something. I can just sit and BE and enjoy the moment. Of course, this is still mixed with many frantic moments trying to finish so many things in the short time I have, but I love the challenge and it makes those relaxed moments so much more worth it.
I usually plan one "outing" for the day, whether it be a play date, or a shopping trip, or just a stroll by the ocean. We have a pretty strict routine, which I love and the babies thrive on. Lately everyone has commented on how good my boys are! I think I really am just lucky... and it could all change next week... but for now, I will savour it.
I love providing a clean, healthy, well-functioning home for my family. All the things I used to like to do for fun (garden, organize, bake, sew), now serve a very specific purpose, and I love it! Life is not as leisurely as it used to be (hah!), but it is filled with many of the same things, just in different ways. We are getting braver in taking the boys out. We went to a restaurant with friends for lunch. We've gone picnicking. We took them to the beach, for a hike, to the river, and of course, the pool in the backyard. We put them down early and have the evening to ourselves to go to the gym, or for a walk, or plunk in front of the TV and zone out (I have a slight addiction to the Walking Dead right now).
Life. Is. Good.
And here are a few pictures to show how great our summer is (babies tell it best...babies without clothes, even better)
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Twins 8-9 Month Update
Well, I guess you can tell when twin life gets busy again based on twin mamas start to fall off the blogosphere again. That and the fact that it's summer means not much time for blogging. However, I finally did my last month's update decided to lump it together with this month's. So here is the scoop on the boys' 7 and 8 months of living:
Eat
These months have seen a huge shift in the boys’ eating patterns. First off, RJ is nursing much better! Whenever he is put to breast he will eat (unless he is full), but I am still pumping for two bottles and nursing him just for two feeds. I guess I am still holding onto doubt that he will eat as much as he needs. Though when it comes to solid food, I don’t have to worry. This boy loves to eat! We started Baby-Led Weaning (BLW) and he has eaten everything we give him. He LOVES food. Basically he will sit in a highchair as long as we allow him and eat continually until we stop giving him food. He loves to feed himself. MJ started a bit slower, but now he eats just as heartily. The boys have eaten all sorts of foods: bananna, avocado, sweet potato, toast, peach, pear, squash, chicken, beef, pork, lamb...and that’s all just what they have fed themselves. We also do some pureed food but it is time consuming and BLW works well for us. We have tried to cut down a milk feed, so now they have 4 main feeds, with a little snack or two of milk and they eat 2-3 solid food meals a day (lunch is usually just a snack). We haven’t had them weighed since their last set of shots (which in adjusted age was just at the start of 7 months), but RJ weighed about 16 1/2 lbs... and MJ weighed 18 1/2 (bruiser!). We are not worried about them any longer (little porkers). I really think RJ just likes to do things himself and is much happier eating a variety of foods. RJ is wearing some 6-9 month clothing, and more 9-12 month, and MJ wears 9-12 or 12-18. He is huge! Both are in size 4 diapers.
Sleep
Sleep has improved so much that we can finally say the boys are sleeping through the night. Wahoo! Party time!!! They still wake occasionally, but they have slept through for many nights. Sometimes when they do wake they are able to self-settle too. Teething threw that for a bit of a loop, but all in all they are doing very well. Naps have settled into a nice routine too. They go down at 9 for an hour to an hour and a half, and then again at 1:00 for and hour and a half to two hours. If they haven’t napped well sometimes they will sneak in a third nap, but usually just an early bedtime. They go to bed between 6:30-7:00pm (which gives us a nice evening to ourselves). I am soooo glad we used a sleep consultant and developed some great sleep habits right away. They still use soothers, which we’d like to get rid of, but it’s tough.
Play
Again, it has been a fun time for play. These boys are such characters! I love seeing their personalities develop more and more as time goes on. At about 8 months they started sitting up on their own, and from there things quickly happened. MJ has been moving to the crawling position and then back to a sitting position all on his own. He rocks back and forth in the crawling position but only moved backwards until today (July 13th). Today MJ officially crawled! And it was a real crawl. We were so proud. RJ is also on the move! He doesn’t do a traditional crawl, but uses one side of his body to pull himself forward. He is now just starting to try the crawl position a bit too. We spend a lot of the day just playing on the floor and the rest of the time it feels like they are eating haha. We try to get out once a day, either for a walk, or to the park, or to a group. The boys haven’t really started interacting with other children, but are slowly starting to “play” with one another. RJ loves to be outdoors looking at trees and MJ seems to like noises like trucks and airplanes. RJ is still very vocal and knows what he wants and doesn’t want. He is quite silly and giggles a lot. He also has become quite the flirt, particularly amongst ladies. He still is extremely responsive to music and wants to jump and dance and sing. MJ is less vocal, apart from using the back of his throat for a very guttural sound but sometimes laughs and likes to sing during church. He is a charmer when he smiles and just has such a sweet disposition.
Events
A HUGE milestone for the boys was finally the development of teeth! While we were away on holidays, the boys both popped out two each! And they got their first tooth on the very same day. Our summer vacation was the biggest event during this period. We took a trip to Harrison Hot Springs for a friend’s wedding and then carried on to Kelowna for nearly 2 weeks with D’s parents. The boys did fantastic with all the travel and new scenery. They slept great in their travel cots, did awesome during the driving, and adapted well to being in a new home. We tried to keep their schedule pretty consistent and it really worked. They had a great time with D’s parents (especially his dad). We also celebrated their first Father’s Day with taking them out to brunch (which was more work than it was worth it with just the two of us handling two babies). We also took the boys for their first “swim” outdoors, but they just cried at the waves and the cold water in the lake. We tried a river too, but they just weren’t into it. I guess we should start with a warm kiddie pool and see how that goes. We continue to meet with the moms from our preemie group and take the boys to church. It will be great once they are moving around in the fall and we can take them to more “active” groups of kids. For now, we’ll sit back and enjoy this summer as much as we can!
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
35 weeks out!
As seems to be the way these days, I am late on this... but better late than never.
From this belly full, to these arms full...
35 weeks in...
My precious family!
From this belly full, to these arms full...
35 weeks in...
And 35 weeks out...
My precious family!
Thursday, June 26, 2014
8 Months
Oops, I drafted this post a while back and forgot to post it till now. Here ya go.
The boys are 8 months old now! I'll have to do a proper update soon, but here are some cute pics for now.
Let me say, we are busy, busy, busy! As I mentioned previously, starting solids has filled up our schedule and it is go-go-go from 6:30am until they go down to bed (usually around 6:30pm). The nice thing is.... they have started to sleep through the night!!!! Well, mostly. My husband usually stays up till 12 or 1 and he often has to settle them with a soother, and sometimes they wake up around 3 and need a little settling, but otherwise, I am sleeping the night through. People, this is MONUMENTAL! I haven't slept that well since pre-pregnancy, I'm sure. I feel like a new woman!
As they are becoming more independent (in some ways), and dependent in different ways, I am finding it is hard to adjust to having more time. Well, it's not necessarily that I have more time. Time has shifted and I find that I have space in my mind to think about things other than the boys, and space to do things other than take care of the boys. In a way, this makes me sad. In another way, I am freaked out because I just don't knlw what to do with myself I am not tbe same person I was 8 months ago in a way, I am redefining wno I am, what I can do, whatI like to do...and that is a vilnerable place to be. Its another new phase once again
Anyways, more on this later. Im heading out on holidays and will catch up once I am back. Ttyl!
The boys are 8 months old now! I'll have to do a proper update soon, but here are some cute pics for now.
Let me say, we are busy, busy, busy! As I mentioned previously, starting solids has filled up our schedule and it is go-go-go from 6:30am until they go down to bed (usually around 6:30pm). The nice thing is.... they have started to sleep through the night!!!! Well, mostly. My husband usually stays up till 12 or 1 and he often has to settle them with a soother, and sometimes they wake up around 3 and need a little settling, but otherwise, I am sleeping the night through. People, this is MONUMENTAL! I haven't slept that well since pre-pregnancy, I'm sure. I feel like a new woman!
As they are becoming more independent (in some ways), and dependent in different ways, I am finding it is hard to adjust to having more time. Well, it's not necessarily that I have more time. Time has shifted and I find that I have space in my mind to think about things other than the boys, and space to do things other than take care of the boys. In a way, this makes me sad. In another way, I am freaked out because I just don't knlw what to do with myself I am not tbe same person I was 8 months ago in a way, I am redefining wno I am, what I can do, whatI like to do...and that is a vilnerable place to be. Its another new phase once again
Anyways, more on this later. Im heading out on holidays and will catch up once I am back. Ttyl!
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Feeding Machine
Okay mamas, here's a callout for some help.
Just when I thought we had reached a nice stride and things were relatively "easy," things change. That seems to be the way with twins. You can never get comfortable for too long.
We are in the process of dropping the third catnap, moving to two naps a day AND starting solids three times a day. The boys are still nursing/bottle feeding at LEAST 5x per day (more like 7 most days). Nursing/pumping/bottle feeding can take 30-45 minutes. Feeding solids can take 30-60 minutes, depending on how long I let them sitting there feeding themselves. I haven't done the actual math, but that is a LOT of time spent feeding babies!
From the friends I have spoken to, they tend to only nurse 4-5x a day since switching over to solids. Has that been your experience? I'm excited for this new transition, but nervous too. There are always hiccups with transitions. Does anyone have any advice? What kind of schedule did you have for your babies around 8 months?
As for sleeping, it is going great!!! I do think we are ready to drop the third nap, since the boys have lately been sleeping so well for the first two naps (on most days - I don't want to say so and jinx it). The first nap is usually an hour and a half around 9:00. The second nap is 1 1/2-2 hours, though we have often had to wake them up from this nap to keep them on "schedule" for a third nap. It may take them a while to adjust and lengthen out these naps even more as we drop the third nap. On days they don't nap well we can throw that third nap in there, or if we need to be out later into the evening. The downside is that for a while this will mean early bedtimes (probably 6/6:30). I remember seeing other moms go through this stage and it sucks (especially in the summer), but eventually it will lengthen out to later. And once the schedule is established, we should be able to tweak it here and there for special events.
All in all, we have great sleepers and eaters, and the work we have done has paid off! Now, I just need to figure out how to adjust myself to this new routine (more on that later).
Just when I thought we had reached a nice stride and things were relatively "easy," things change. That seems to be the way with twins. You can never get comfortable for too long.
We are in the process of dropping the third catnap, moving to two naps a day AND starting solids three times a day. The boys are still nursing/bottle feeding at LEAST 5x per day (more like 7 most days). Nursing/pumping/bottle feeding can take 30-45 minutes. Feeding solids can take 30-60 minutes, depending on how long I let them sitting there feeding themselves. I haven't done the actual math, but that is a LOT of time spent feeding babies!
From the friends I have spoken to, they tend to only nurse 4-5x a day since switching over to solids. Has that been your experience? I'm excited for this new transition, but nervous too. There are always hiccups with transitions. Does anyone have any advice? What kind of schedule did you have for your babies around 8 months?
As for sleeping, it is going great!!! I do think we are ready to drop the third nap, since the boys have lately been sleeping so well for the first two naps (on most days - I don't want to say so and jinx it). The first nap is usually an hour and a half around 9:00. The second nap is 1 1/2-2 hours, though we have often had to wake them up from this nap to keep them on "schedule" for a third nap. It may take them a while to adjust and lengthen out these naps even more as we drop the third nap. On days they don't nap well we can throw that third nap in there, or if we need to be out later into the evening. The downside is that for a while this will mean early bedtimes (probably 6/6:30). I remember seeing other moms go through this stage and it sucks (especially in the summer), but eventually it will lengthen out to later. And once the schedule is established, we should be able to tweak it here and there for special events.
All in all, we have great sleepers and eaters, and the work we have done has paid off! Now, I just need to figure out how to adjust myself to this new routine (more on that later).
Friday, June 6, 2014
Next Steps
I had a meeting this week with my work colleagues to discuss my back-to-work plan. We are 7 1/2 months into the 12 month maternity leave I get. That leaves me 4 1/2 months to go.
When I went into my meeting, I really had no idea what I was going to say. I was feeling so mixed about going back to work. If we didn't have to worry about finances, I would love to stay at home with the boys, especially at this time in their lives. But finances are a concern. Also, I spent nearly 7 years of my life working towards a degree, and still have a student loan to payoff, so it seems silly not to actually go back to work. I had begun to establish myself in the community as a counsellor before I went on bedrest, and I would have to start back at square one if I waited too long. Plus, I really do have an awesome job lined up. My colleagues are wonderful. They want me to be on their team and are helping me become established as a new counsellor. They are willing to offer me a gradual re-entry to work, and letting me choose my own days/hours and work as much or little as I want at the beginning. Plus they gave me a substantial pay raise to make it worthwhile for me to work. It really doesn't get better than that.
So, I will be returning to work in the fall. I think it will be good for me. But in many ways I just don't want to.
I love this time at home with my boys! I love our daily routine. I love being there for every milestone, and every feeding (well mostly), and watching them grow day by day. I know I won't miss out by being out of the home a few days a week, but still. This is such a special time and I want to treasure every moment.
It's going to be a good summer. I'm so excited to make the most of it.
When I went into my meeting, I really had no idea what I was going to say. I was feeling so mixed about going back to work. If we didn't have to worry about finances, I would love to stay at home with the boys, especially at this time in their lives. But finances are a concern. Also, I spent nearly 7 years of my life working towards a degree, and still have a student loan to payoff, so it seems silly not to actually go back to work. I had begun to establish myself in the community as a counsellor before I went on bedrest, and I would have to start back at square one if I waited too long. Plus, I really do have an awesome job lined up. My colleagues are wonderful. They want me to be on their team and are helping me become established as a new counsellor. They are willing to offer me a gradual re-entry to work, and letting me choose my own days/hours and work as much or little as I want at the beginning. Plus they gave me a substantial pay raise to make it worthwhile for me to work. It really doesn't get better than that.
So, I will be returning to work in the fall. I think it will be good for me. But in many ways I just don't want to.
I love this time at home with my boys! I love our daily routine. I love being there for every milestone, and every feeding (well mostly), and watching them grow day by day. I know I won't miss out by being out of the home a few days a week, but still. This is such a special time and I want to treasure every moment.
It's going to be a good summer. I'm so excited to make the most of it.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Baby Groups Rock
I posted the other day about being lonely, but I must say there is one day a week that I live for: baby group day! I became part of a preemie mom's group back in January. The group is now finished for the season, but four of us have continued meeting up weekly at the park, or someone's house. This group of women is my saving grace!!!
I never understood baby groups before having babies. It just seemed kind of lame for mom's to get together with all their babies.. I mean, come on! Get a life. Go do stuff. What's so great about sitting around talking about your babies? Don't you have anything else to talk about?
BUT... now I get it! New moms NEED to talk to one another to normalize this crazy ride we are on! Baby group isn't about letting the babies play together (though that is a welcome side effect - they always sleep better after all that stimulation). We NEED to talk about what we are going through with our babies. We NEED advice on how many naps the other babies are taking, how much they are eating, how our bodies have changed, and on and on. We also NEED to get out of the house, but not in a way that brings pressure (because going anywhere with a new baby is tough work!). We NEED to talk about just how much our lives have changed since having a baby. This is one time when hubbies won't cut it. Only with other moms can you talk about your sex lives (or lack thereof), how much you fart and pee yourself since having a baby, how much you are eating while nursing, and why you cried when trying on a swimsuit you wore last summer.
And yes, all those topics were covered in a 2-hour playdate this morning.
I never thought I'd say this, but I love my group of moms.
I never understood baby groups before having babies. It just seemed kind of lame for mom's to get together with all their babies.. I mean, come on! Get a life. Go do stuff. What's so great about sitting around talking about your babies? Don't you have anything else to talk about?
BUT... now I get it! New moms NEED to talk to one another to normalize this crazy ride we are on! Baby group isn't about letting the babies play together (though that is a welcome side effect - they always sleep better after all that stimulation). We NEED to talk about what we are going through with our babies. We NEED advice on how many naps the other babies are taking, how much they are eating, how our bodies have changed, and on and on. We also NEED to get out of the house, but not in a way that brings pressure (because going anywhere with a new baby is tough work!). We NEED to talk about just how much our lives have changed since having a baby. This is one time when hubbies won't cut it. Only with other moms can you talk about your sex lives (or lack thereof), how much you fart and pee yourself since having a baby, how much you are eating while nursing, and why you cried when trying on a swimsuit you wore last summer.
And yes, all those topics were covered in a 2-hour playdate this morning.
I never thought I'd say this, but I love my group of moms.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Twins 7 Month Update
This must be where twin life suddenly gets busy again! I'm nearly 2 weeks late, but here is the 7-month update for the boys.
Eat
This
was a fun month for food! We started introducing solids to the boys.
So far we have tried banana, apple, sweet potato, and carrot. Next we
will try some meats. RJ LOVES eating. We have tried baby-led weaning
and he is totally into feeding himself. He has great fine motor skills
and is able to bring the food to his mouth himself. He especially loves
bananna. MJ can’t quite manage to get the food to his mouth so we help
him out, but he is good at “chewing” and so proud of himself for
eating. MJ is still nursing like a champ, though he feeds pretty
quickly now (about 10 minutes). He is also starting to go to the breast
for comfort when we are in a new place. It is cute. RJ mainly bottle
feeds, but he will take the breast sometimes just before or after a nap,
but not for long (5 mins max.). So I still pump him bottles (though my
supply seems to be decreasing a bit so I hope I can keep it up). We
currently do 5 milk feeds a day, and 2 solid feeds. Sometimes there is a
night feed, but for the most part that has been dropped. We haven’t
weighed them for a few weeks so I don’t have an update to give there.
Sleep
We
JUST made the switch to dropping the night feed! It hasn’t quite
materialized to us getting more sleep quite yet because they still wake
up a few times and we are teaching them to self-soothe (which takes
longer for them to get back to sleep). I pump once a night too, in
order to keep up supply. I know it is a great step for the future, but
is a little bittersweet. I do love those precious night-time cuddles.
With the amount of time we spent up with them at night, it is sad to
say goodbye to that era. That said, I am so excited about the prospect
of more sleep (soon!). The boys sleep for nearly 12 hours. Naps are
still hit and miss but they are starting to improve. I can definitely
count on one nap that is 1 1/2 to 2 hours long, and another for 45 mins
to an hour.
Play
It
has been so neat to watch the boys grow in their physical development
this month. They have learned to roll from back to front AND front to
back. MJ does it all the time, but RJ is still just experimenting.
They are so close to sitting up on their own too. They will roll
themselves and squirm around to try to reach toys. They put everything
in their mouths. They have a special fascination with tags on clothing
and toys. RJ loves to watch the trees and the sky when we are outside.
They both enjoy music. RJ “dances” and sings to music videos that Dan
shows him. MJ sings along at church. They love being at the nursery at
church and “playing” with the other kids. RJ is a bit more cautious of
new environments and takes a while to warm up, but MJ smiles and
interacts with new people right away. RJ is quite talkative and even
talks himself to sleep. MJ is quieter but talks most in the morning and
sometimes as he is putting himself to sleep. RJ loves to stand and
jump. He likes to play in the exersaucer. He likes to be tickled. MJ
has started to play with my hair and grab at my face. He loves being
thrown in the air and “flying.” They are super smiley and giggly and
such fun to interact with.
Events
Our
biggest event this month was a visit from halmaoni and halabaji (the
Korean names for grandma and grandpa - my husband’s parents). They
brought presents for the boys and the boys had a great time being fed by
them, reading stories, and playing on the floor together. Halmaoni
took videos the whole time. They were obviously smitten! This month
was also Mother’s Day. During the visit, we went out for lunch with
halmaoni and my mom with the boys. They were awake and well-behaved for
the entire meal! Our own Mother’s Day was low key. We had church in
the morning (it was a potluck Table Sunday) and had the evening off to
spend as a family. I had requested that we do a hike, so on Monday we
walked with the boys at Seal Bay (the ocean). Other than that, it was
pretty normal. The month really just flew by! I can’t believe we are
past the half-way-to-a-year mark. Stop growing up so fast boys!
Thursday, May 22, 2014
It's lonely being a stay-at-home mom
It's lonely being a stay-at-home mom.
It took me six months to realize it. The first few months are a blur, especially with twins. You are too busy surviving each day to think about anything more. After that, you adjust a bit and start to get out and about. Baby groups, church, and even trips to the park. Still, it's all baby-focused. You meet a few people but your only common interest is your babies. It's wonderful, but "you" don't really get to be known. By 6 months, you (*fingers crossed*) are sleeping a bit more and feel somewhat more human. Life has hit a bit of a routine (that still changes day-to-day) and all of a sudden, you have some time to yourself. What, you say? Myself? Who am I now that this time has passed and all of my energy and thoughts have been devoted to my baby(babies) for these past six months? So you try to re-engage with the friends who disappeared when your life so dramatically changed. Except it's not quite the same. You've changed. Your lifestyle has changed. You don't have the same things in common anymore. So you try to pick up the activities you used to do. Except even they're not the same. You discover your body isn't quite the way it used to be and things do not come as easily. You find that it takes too much time to setup any craft/two-handed activity, and by the time you get everything out, the babies are stirring and you have barely even started. And that spare hour you manage to get to sneak out of the house, is barely enough time to return the item to Walmart, let alone do anything for YOU!
How DO you reengage and get back to caring for your self after becoming a mom? It's not as easy as I thought pre-pregnancy. And it is oh so lonely. Spending time getting to know these little beings in your life is so wonderful! It's indescribable, really. Yet it's hard to find the time or space for myself to be known. And so I've come to realize that I am lonely right now.
It took me six months to realize it. The first few months are a blur, especially with twins. You are too busy surviving each day to think about anything more. After that, you adjust a bit and start to get out and about. Baby groups, church, and even trips to the park. Still, it's all baby-focused. You meet a few people but your only common interest is your babies. It's wonderful, but "you" don't really get to be known. By 6 months, you (*fingers crossed*) are sleeping a bit more and feel somewhat more human. Life has hit a bit of a routine (that still changes day-to-day) and all of a sudden, you have some time to yourself. What, you say? Myself? Who am I now that this time has passed and all of my energy and thoughts have been devoted to my baby(babies) for these past six months? So you try to re-engage with the friends who disappeared when your life so dramatically changed. Except it's not quite the same. You've changed. Your lifestyle has changed. You don't have the same things in common anymore. So you try to pick up the activities you used to do. Except even they're not the same. You discover your body isn't quite the way it used to be and things do not come as easily. You find that it takes too much time to setup any craft/two-handed activity, and by the time you get everything out, the babies are stirring and you have barely even started. And that spare hour you manage to get to sneak out of the house, is barely enough time to return the item to Walmart, let alone do anything for YOU!
How DO you reengage and get back to caring for your self after becoming a mom? It's not as easy as I thought pre-pregnancy. And it is oh so lonely. Spending time getting to know these little beings in your life is so wonderful! It's indescribable, really. Yet it's hard to find the time or space for myself to be known. And so I've come to realize that I am lonely right now.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Keeping Up With Twins
Staying organized with twins in the home is a challenge! Check out my tips and tricks in my new blog post here.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
We remember you
I wrote this post last year, but never managed to share it. Mother's Day still holds many conflicting emotions for me. I celebrate the joy of being a mother every day, and do not need a day full of flowers and hallmark cards to bring awareness to it. This day reminds me of they many years spent in sadness, waiting. It was especially difficult to go to church, where they handed out flowers to all the ladies and talked about motherhood in a way that made me feel like crap.
However, last year my husband shared something at church on Mother's Day. I couldn't believe his boldness, but I am super proud of him. I wanted to share the poem he read with you. I love it, and treasure these words. I think everyone needs to hear them.
****
However, last year my husband shared something at church on Mother's Day. I couldn't believe his boldness, but I am super proud of him. I wanted to share the poem he read with you. I love it, and treasure these words. I think everyone needs to hear them.
****
To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you
To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you
To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you
To those who experienced loss this year through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you
To
those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods,
tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say
foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is.
To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you
To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you
To those who have disappointment, heartache, and distance with your children – we sit with you
To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you
To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience
To
those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall
testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst
To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you
And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you
This
Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart
and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Being Changed
The other day I spent the day at home taking care of my household. The boys came down with their first cold (insert sad face), my hubby woke up with a super sore throat, and even my dog cut her foot at the beach and was hobbling around on 3 legs. I wasn't feeling 100% but I was the "least" sick one, and so I was in charge of keeping everyone afloat.
It was supposed to be our day off - family day - and I had grand plans of doing some errands on my own and enjoying the sunshine with the boys. That did not happen. Instead I made tea, cooked meals, cleaned up after everyone, gave extra cuddles to the boys, cleaned the dogs paw, and rested when I could.
Throughout the day I experienced a range of emotions - from feeling slightly bitter about giving up my plans for the day, to feeling full satisfaction that I was needed and appreciated by my family. Today I felt completely like a MOM. And that got me thinking.
Being a mom is the hardest thing I have ever done, and yet, as many people express, it is the most rewarding too. There are days when I struggle with all that I have given up. I don't yet feel comfortable in my new skin as a mother. I miss having the time to dress up, do my makeup, shower and shave, and look like myself! I miss doing the little things that refresh and rejuvenate me, like enjoying a cup of tea, or going to the gym. I miss having the time to connect with my friends who bring me life. I miss the way the relationship my husband and I had as just a family of two. Everything is different now. Sometimes it is just hard to accept.
And yet, I am redefining what it means to be me, what it means to be married to my husband, what it means to be a family of four (plus our furry friend)! I may not be as put together as I was before kids. I may be a few pounds heavier. I may have less time to indulge in the hobbies I enjoy. My house may not be as tidy (though I still make quite an effort!). But I am becoming a more patient, selfless, compassionate person as these two babies look to me to fulfill all their needs. I am deepening the depth of the relationship with my husband as we seek to remain intimate through the busy schedule of caring for twins. I am gaining new skills as I seek to stretch our money further, use our things more efficiently, and provide for my family with the resources I have. I am learning (slowly) to give up my expectations and live in the moment, letting life ebb and flow as it will. This is the hardest one for me. I still face anxiety here from day to day, and I set standards for myself that are too high and get upset when I can't reach them. I wish it were easier for me to adapt... but it's not. Hapa Hopes wrote a great post that echoes some of how I feel.
I love what I am doing. I am so excited about the future and so happy that I get to be a mom. I don't know what/who I am going to become. I know that this is changing me from the very core.
It was supposed to be our day off - family day - and I had grand plans of doing some errands on my own and enjoying the sunshine with the boys. That did not happen. Instead I made tea, cooked meals, cleaned up after everyone, gave extra cuddles to the boys, cleaned the dogs paw, and rested when I could.
Throughout the day I experienced a range of emotions - from feeling slightly bitter about giving up my plans for the day, to feeling full satisfaction that I was needed and appreciated by my family. Today I felt completely like a MOM. And that got me thinking.
Being a mom is the hardest thing I have ever done, and yet, as many people express, it is the most rewarding too. There are days when I struggle with all that I have given up. I don't yet feel comfortable in my new skin as a mother. I miss having the time to dress up, do my makeup, shower and shave, and look like myself! I miss doing the little things that refresh and rejuvenate me, like enjoying a cup of tea, or going to the gym. I miss having the time to connect with my friends who bring me life. I miss the way the relationship my husband and I had as just a family of two. Everything is different now. Sometimes it is just hard to accept.
And yet, I am redefining what it means to be me, what it means to be married to my husband, what it means to be a family of four (plus our furry friend)! I may not be as put together as I was before kids. I may be a few pounds heavier. I may have less time to indulge in the hobbies I enjoy. My house may not be as tidy (though I still make quite an effort!). But I am becoming a more patient, selfless, compassionate person as these two babies look to me to fulfill all their needs. I am deepening the depth of the relationship with my husband as we seek to remain intimate through the busy schedule of caring for twins. I am gaining new skills as I seek to stretch our money further, use our things more efficiently, and provide for my family with the resources I have. I am learning (slowly) to give up my expectations and live in the moment, letting life ebb and flow as it will. This is the hardest one for me. I still face anxiety here from day to day, and I set standards for myself that are too high and get upset when I can't reach them. I wish it were easier for me to adapt... but it's not. Hapa Hopes wrote a great post that echoes some of how I feel.
I love what I am doing. I am so excited about the future and so happy that I get to be a mom. I don't know what/who I am going to become. I know that this is changing me from the very core.
Monday, April 28, 2014
Twins 6-Month Update
Well, it's late, but here is my 6-month update, for those who are interested in following the lives of our twin boys. I think everyone says this at this point, but I can't believe we are halfway through the year already! Each month keeps getting better and better. I sure do love these boys.
Eat
Eating
actually improved this month. After coming to terms with RJ’s eating
difficulties, I started pumping and feeding him more bottles and just
nursing MJ. RJ became a champ at eating and grew a ton! By his six
month weigh-in, he was up to 15lb,3oz. MJ continued to grow
consistently as well and is a whopping 17lb, 14oz. This definitely puts
him in the 50th percentile now. RJ also decided to come back to the
breast for comfort nursing and nursing in the night. He even did a few
small feeds when we were out and about. Hopefully this is another step
forward. A big event this month was also cutting out one of the
nighttime feeds! It is not completely consistent, but it is well on the
way. We also introduced a little bit of rice cereal before bed. This
may be the reason the nights are better. And the boys love it! All
month they would watch me eat and move their mouths imitating me. So
when we tried cereal they were ready to go. RJ actually took to it
faster than MJ, who was a bit skeptical of this food that wasn’t quite
mama’s milk, but he soon caught on too. We feed about 2 Tbsp around
dinner time before their bedtime bottle. MJ is a fast eater and finishes the breast in about 10-15 minutes. RJ drinks anywhere between 120-160mL from the bottle depending on how hungry he is.
Sleep
As
I mentioned, we worked down to one feed per night after we sorted out
our daytime schedule. We have a pretty consistent schedule going of two
big naps (9am and 12pm) that last an hour to an hour and a half, and
then a catnap before dinner. Creating this consistency has also helped
the nights go smoother. We generally try to put the boys down by
6:45/7:00 and hold them off till 2am for a feed, and then have them
sleep through till 7am (though it is often 6:30 where they really get
going). I am still pumping during the night once and sleep is a bit
broken up because they don’t sleep steadily, but it is a step in the
right direction.
Play
This
month was eventful for play. The boys are so much more interactive and
it was great to hang out with them and do new things. The big thing
they learned this month was rolling over! Well, sort of learned it.
They can easily roll to their bellies, but have not mastered rolling
back again. This was fine for daytime play, but still causes some
issues at night if they roll to their belly and want to get back but
can’t. MJ started sleeping on his belly but RJ panics and cries when he
ends up on his belly. They also mastered bringing objects to their
mouths (and they eat everything now!), starting at their hands, and are
starting to grab at their feet. Their language has not really
progressed. MJ became a bit quieter as RJ became more talkative this
month. They both like to “sing” to music (and RJ tends to tap his feet
to the beat). They also are starting to raise their hands to be lifted
“up” when they are tired of being on the ground. They notice when we
leave or enter the room and especially love to hear daddy’s voice (they
stop whatever they are doing - eating, playing, etc. as soon as he
speaks). They are a lot of fun!
Events
We
did not do any major events this month, but got into a routine of
taking the boys for a daily family walk at the end of the day. They are
starting to stay awake more during walks and enjoy the fresh air and
looking at the trees and sky. We enjoy the special time as a family
walking down by the beach, and into town for a coffee. We purchased a
Bob double stroller and I am excited to start taking the boys for runs
soon too. Oh, we also started to attend a “Mother Goose” program at the
rec center. It is an hour of singing and nursery rhymes for babies.
It is a lot of stimulation but the boys enjoy the music a lot.
Thursday, April 24, 2014
If you wouldn't say it about a boob job...
A little humour for your morning today!
(Sorry I can't embed the video so you have to go to Vimeo to watch it)
http://vimeo.com/92651492
(Sorry I can't embed the video so you have to go to Vimeo to watch it)
http://vimeo.com/92651492
Monday, April 21, 2014
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Twins Routine
So this post is not so much about our actual routine with twins, but about all the "extras" they don't tell you about when you have babies. We finally have a pretty good schedule in place, so much so that I am starting to have a bit of free time (what?!?!?). Still, at any given moment in the day, it feels like there are always tasks waiting to be done. I have to choose to take time for myself instead of doing the tasks; or else I would never have a moment's peace. Babies are so much work! And when I do take time for myself, the tasks are still waiting to be done at the end of the day. Fortunately, they have become such a part of our routine that we whiz through them and can usually find time to wind down and cuddle up on the couch with a book or TV show before bed.
For interest's sake (if anyone cares), I thought I'd share what all these extras are that fill the time we are not interacting with the twins. Oh, and on a side note, I realized that the reason twins are so exhausting is not just all the extra work (I'm used to that), but it is the constant interaction. I am a true introvert at heart and all day long I am talking/singing/playing with TWO little beings. That wears me down! At the end of the day I look forward to the quiet time to clean up, gather my thoughts, and enjoy a cup of tea in silence. But I do love them to bits!
So, once the kids are in bed, here is what we are doing:
- Clean up bath/towels/clothes
- Put away dinner dishes (or finish cooking/eating dinner if we haven't made it to that yet)
- Clean up toys in the play area (it's nice to have a "grown up" looking home before bed)
- Washing and sanitizing bottles from the day, then putting them back together and putting them away
- Pumping milk for the night feed that my hubby does
- Usually throwing in a load of cloth diapers (I do this every 2 days or so)
- Folding any laundry from the day and *trying* to put it away
- Stuffing cloth diapers to prepare for the next day, as well as refilling diaper baskets for the night/morning
- Finishing any other chores that were started during the day and not finished (cleaning bathroom, mopping floors, etc.)
- Pulling out/prepping any food for meals for the next day
- Finally sitting down with a snack (chocolate) and a cup of tea, celebrating that we made it through another day with twins!
During the day, while the boys are napping, or if they are actually content playing on their own, I am usually making/eating food, cleaning up dishes, prepping bottles, pumping, getting myself showered/ready, putting in laundry, sorting clothes (they grow through things so quickly!) and trying to get to any chores I can. So you can see why I am kept busy!
For interest's sake (if anyone cares), I thought I'd share what all these extras are that fill the time we are not interacting with the twins. Oh, and on a side note, I realized that the reason twins are so exhausting is not just all the extra work (I'm used to that), but it is the constant interaction. I am a true introvert at heart and all day long I am talking/singing/playing with TWO little beings. That wears me down! At the end of the day I look forward to the quiet time to clean up, gather my thoughts, and enjoy a cup of tea in silence. But I do love them to bits!
So, once the kids are in bed, here is what we are doing:
- Clean up bath/towels/clothes
- Put away dinner dishes (or finish cooking/eating dinner if we haven't made it to that yet)
- Clean up toys in the play area (it's nice to have a "grown up" looking home before bed)
- Washing and sanitizing bottles from the day, then putting them back together and putting them away
- Pumping milk for the night feed that my hubby does
- Usually throwing in a load of cloth diapers (I do this every 2 days or so)
- Folding any laundry from the day and *trying* to put it away
- Stuffing cloth diapers to prepare for the next day, as well as refilling diaper baskets for the night/morning
- Finishing any other chores that were started during the day and not finished (cleaning bathroom, mopping floors, etc.)
- Pulling out/prepping any food for meals for the next day
- Finally sitting down with a snack (chocolate) and a cup of tea, celebrating that we made it through another day with twins!
During the day, while the boys are napping, or if they are actually content playing on their own, I am usually making/eating food, cleaning up dishes, prepping bottles, pumping, getting myself showered/ready, putting in laundry, sorting clothes (they grow through things so quickly!) and trying to get to any chores I can. So you can see why I am kept busy!
Friday, April 18, 2014
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
A Redeeming Day
Today holds many memories.
April 10, 2013 - Exactly one year later, we were in the same office, having another ultrasound and we received the incredible news that we were going to be parents of twins. That day is unforgettable.
April 10, 2014 - I wake up to the smiles as coos of two adorable baby boys whom I will forever be known as "mom" to.
Today has been redeemed. It is a great day to celebrate. I love my precious boys with all my heart.
Monday, April 7, 2014
What I Ate - Nursing Edition
I've been meaning to do this post for a while. One thing that surprised me incredibly when I started nursing was how hungry and thirsty I was! I am not lying when I say that I ate more than I did while I was pregnant with twins. Fortunately, this has settled down, but for those first three months I felt like when I wasn't nursing or sleeping, I was eating.
For anyone else in similar shoes, I thought I'd share what a typical day of eating looked like for me:
5am - First breakfast: Bowl of oatmeal to tie me over till morning and help my milk supply
8am - Second breakfast: Eggs (usually 2), toast, and fruit (or a variation of an egg muffin, french toast, etc.
10am - Snack: Fruit or nuts
1pm - Lunch: Soup, sandwich and salad
4pm - Snack: Nacho chips with cheese and an apple; crackers and cheese
6pm - Dinner: Varied - Meat, carbs and veggies
9pm - Before bed snack: Cereal and milk
1am - Midnight snack: Yogurt or nuts
You can see that I certainly ate my fill! I tried to keep a high amount of protein in my diet to keep me going. I also incorporated lots of foods that I have heard are good for milk supply: oatmeal, avocado, cashews, seaweed, and the occasional beer. :)
Unfortunately, after giving birth I developed a HUGE sweet tooth that still has not gone away. I blame it on the fact that I had gestational diabetes and couldn't fulfill my cravings during pregnancy. I didn't add it in, but every day included an indulgence of chocolate, cookies, or cake, depending on what was available. I'm trying to curb this habit now, but it sure is hard!
So there you have it.
For anyone else in similar shoes, I thought I'd share what a typical day of eating looked like for me:
5am - First breakfast: Bowl of oatmeal to tie me over till morning and help my milk supply
8am - Second breakfast: Eggs (usually 2), toast, and fruit (or a variation of an egg muffin, french toast, etc.
10am - Snack: Fruit or nuts
1pm - Lunch: Soup, sandwich and salad
4pm - Snack: Nacho chips with cheese and an apple; crackers and cheese
6pm - Dinner: Varied - Meat, carbs and veggies
9pm - Before bed snack: Cereal and milk
1am - Midnight snack: Yogurt or nuts
You can see that I certainly ate my fill! I tried to keep a high amount of protein in my diet to keep me going. I also incorporated lots of foods that I have heard are good for milk supply: oatmeal, avocado, cashews, seaweed, and the occasional beer. :)
Unfortunately, after giving birth I developed a HUGE sweet tooth that still has not gone away. I blame it on the fact that I had gestational diabetes and couldn't fulfill my cravings during pregnancy. I didn't add it in, but every day included an indulgence of chocolate, cookies, or cake, depending on what was available. I'm trying to curb this habit now, but it sure is hard!
So there you have it.
My Anxieties
I have appreciated when others have shared their struggles through the transition to new parenthood. Lately I have found myself struggling in unexpected ways and need an outlet for some of my thoughts.
I was surprised that I was not struck by the "baby blues" after the twins were born. Looking back now, I see that I was in almost a shock-like state of survival, that I don't think I had time to be depressed. It is only in the last little while that I finally have begun to process the events surrounding the twins' birth (bed rest, pregnancy complications, NICU). While the end result was incredible, I have come to realize that a lot of my experience was traumatic. From time to time, I find myself reliving moments of those months and playing them over and over in my mind as I reflect and try to make sense of my emotions.
While I have not been affected by a huge depression, I have lately been experiencing bouts of anxiety to an extent that I never have felt before. I expected to be a protective mama bear, but that isn't even the type of anxiety I feel. I don't worry too much about the boys being hurt, or getting sick, or those types of concerns that are typical of new parents. What I worry about is the boys' development, whether they are meeting milestones, how their brains are forming, and how I can them from any sense of trauma or unhappiness in their lives. I know this is an unrealistic expectation. I can't shelter them from anything bad happening... but I so wish I could! I think that since I work in the mental health field, and see a lot of kids who experienced abuse/neglect/emotional trauma and/or who have varying degrees of disorders, I have a heightened awareness of how situations can affect children. On a daily basis I worry that one baby's crying is going to traumatize the other baby! In reality, though, all babies cry!
I also experience anxiety about how our lives have changed. I know I can't go back (nor would I want to), but I have a tough time adapting to change, and this has been the HUGEST change I could ever have imagined. There are times when I just cannot cope with how different life is, and all I want to do is ignore the babies and wash my floors and put my house back together the way I used to when I had two free arms and lots of free time. I get flustered when I have tasks that I can't complete. I always used to complete all my tasks... and more. I used to keep my body in shape by exercising. I made sleep a priority because it is so important for my emotional well-being. All of these things are now out of my control. And when I am not in control - I become anxious.
I get anxious about the lack of sleep. Sleep has always been incredibly important to me, and I am the type of person who goes to bed at the same time each night, and rises early ready to go. I underestimated how much of an effect the sleep deprivation would have on me. Some nights I go to bed in fear and trepidation, wondering when the babies will wake and worrying about how little sleep I will get. That keeps me awake and makes me more anxious... it's a vicious circle.
Most days I can manage, but on particularly tired days, or when stressful situations arise, or when the boys cry too much - the anxiety takes over.
I spoke to my doctor about it the other day. I don't think I need to be on a medication completely right now. She suggested I explore some naturopathic remedies, but also gave me a prescription for an extremely low dose of adivan to take on an as-needed basis if I feel like I really need it. It gave me a sigh of relief. Since my normal coping mechanisms have been taken away (sleep, exercise, coffee with friends, retail therapy), it helps to have a back-up plan in place.
All in all, I feel like I am doing fairly well, but I like to be preventative and not let things get too far gone before dealing with them. So, that is where I am at now.
I was surprised that I was not struck by the "baby blues" after the twins were born. Looking back now, I see that I was in almost a shock-like state of survival, that I don't think I had time to be depressed. It is only in the last little while that I finally have begun to process the events surrounding the twins' birth (bed rest, pregnancy complications, NICU). While the end result was incredible, I have come to realize that a lot of my experience was traumatic. From time to time, I find myself reliving moments of those months and playing them over and over in my mind as I reflect and try to make sense of my emotions.
While I have not been affected by a huge depression, I have lately been experiencing bouts of anxiety to an extent that I never have felt before. I expected to be a protective mama bear, but that isn't even the type of anxiety I feel. I don't worry too much about the boys being hurt, or getting sick, or those types of concerns that are typical of new parents. What I worry about is the boys' development, whether they are meeting milestones, how their brains are forming, and how I can them from any sense of trauma or unhappiness in their lives. I know this is an unrealistic expectation. I can't shelter them from anything bad happening... but I so wish I could! I think that since I work in the mental health field, and see a lot of kids who experienced abuse/neglect/emotional trauma and/or who have varying degrees of disorders, I have a heightened awareness of how situations can affect children. On a daily basis I worry that one baby's crying is going to traumatize the other baby! In reality, though, all babies cry!
I also experience anxiety about how our lives have changed. I know I can't go back (nor would I want to), but I have a tough time adapting to change, and this has been the HUGEST change I could ever have imagined. There are times when I just cannot cope with how different life is, and all I want to do is ignore the babies and wash my floors and put my house back together the way I used to when I had two free arms and lots of free time. I get flustered when I have tasks that I can't complete. I always used to complete all my tasks... and more. I used to keep my body in shape by exercising. I made sleep a priority because it is so important for my emotional well-being. All of these things are now out of my control. And when I am not in control - I become anxious.
I get anxious about the lack of sleep. Sleep has always been incredibly important to me, and I am the type of person who goes to bed at the same time each night, and rises early ready to go. I underestimated how much of an effect the sleep deprivation would have on me. Some nights I go to bed in fear and trepidation, wondering when the babies will wake and worrying about how little sleep I will get. That keeps me awake and makes me more anxious... it's a vicious circle.
Most days I can manage, but on particularly tired days, or when stressful situations arise, or when the boys cry too much - the anxiety takes over.
I spoke to my doctor about it the other day. I don't think I need to be on a medication completely right now. She suggested I explore some naturopathic remedies, but also gave me a prescription for an extremely low dose of adivan to take on an as-needed basis if I feel like I really need it. It gave me a sigh of relief. Since my normal coping mechanisms have been taken away (sleep, exercise, coffee with friends, retail therapy), it helps to have a back-up plan in place.
All in all, I feel like I am doing fairly well, but I like to be preventative and not let things get too far gone before dealing with them. So, that is where I am at now.
Friday, April 4, 2014
Twin Fox's Den Post
New post up at my other blog, featuring the Twin Foxes Den. If you want to check it out, here is the link:
http://wildislandlove.blogspot.ca/2014/04/twin-foxs-den.html
http://wildislandlove.blogspot.ca/2014/04/twin-foxs-den.html
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Checking In
I don't have a lot to say, but I have been meaning to check-in and say hello. Spring is in the air, and life has seemed especially busy lately. We are trying to get out and about more, and when we are home, I have a list of spring cleaning tasks I am attempting to get through (key word: attempting). Still, I wanted to drop by and share a few things.
First, photos. I managed to restore the photos I had accidentally deleted (Google Plus stores an album of all your blog photos and I didn't realize that deleting the album would delete ALL the photos from my blog...oops! On my phone it didn't even give me a warning). So I have all the photos in an album, but I think I have to manually go back and add them all to my blog. With close to 200 pictures, that is not going to happen anytime soon. My blog will likely remain photo-less apart from what I upload from now on.
Second, I went to the gym last night! It was my first time in probably 8 months, since I was put on modified bed rest! I am really determined to get my body back in shape and want to spend the next few months working off the rest of my pregnancy weight. I also signed up for a yoga class once a week. My parents will babysit so I can have the "night off." I hope to get to the gym two additional times a week, walk the boys almost daily, and maybe run once on the weekend (that is super ambitious, but I'd rather set my sights high).
Third, I think we have a bit of teething going on here! MJ just hasn't been himself, has been chomping on his hands, and I can see some teeth making their way. I don't think they will break through for a while yet, but already the battle has begun. Yikes!
Fourth, we are still having some issues with RJ, but I have settled more into the routine of pumping and bottle feeding him. It's not so bad and it does provide some stability knowing how much he is eating. I am managing to nurse him at least one to two times a day too, so that feels good. I'll write more about this another day.
Fifth, now that we have hit the 5 month mark, it really feels like things are changing. We have hit a bit of a stride, and even with two night feeds still (we're working on dropping one soon), we can function somewhat like normal human beings again. We are doing our own cooking most nights (we ate so many freezer meals and takeout the first 3 months). I am getting some chores done through the day (though still really appreciate the help from my parents and friends who pop in to get a task done a day). I am finding time to exercise. I have the confidence to take the boys out a lot more (though with our sleep training I am still limited). Sleep and naps are getting MUCH better, so I have the time in the day to regroup and do normal things like shower and eat. I love it! And I hear it only gets better once they start eating solid foods, which won't be too much longer. Things are feeling good.
First, photos. I managed to restore the photos I had accidentally deleted (Google Plus stores an album of all your blog photos and I didn't realize that deleting the album would delete ALL the photos from my blog...oops! On my phone it didn't even give me a warning). So I have all the photos in an album, but I think I have to manually go back and add them all to my blog. With close to 200 pictures, that is not going to happen anytime soon. My blog will likely remain photo-less apart from what I upload from now on.
Second, I went to the gym last night! It was my first time in probably 8 months, since I was put on modified bed rest! I am really determined to get my body back in shape and want to spend the next few months working off the rest of my pregnancy weight. I also signed up for a yoga class once a week. My parents will babysit so I can have the "night off." I hope to get to the gym two additional times a week, walk the boys almost daily, and maybe run once on the weekend (that is super ambitious, but I'd rather set my sights high).
Third, I think we have a bit of teething going on here! MJ just hasn't been himself, has been chomping on his hands, and I can see some teeth making their way. I don't think they will break through for a while yet, but already the battle has begun. Yikes!
Fourth, we are still having some issues with RJ, but I have settled more into the routine of pumping and bottle feeding him. It's not so bad and it does provide some stability knowing how much he is eating. I am managing to nurse him at least one to two times a day too, so that feels good. I'll write more about this another day.
Fifth, now that we have hit the 5 month mark, it really feels like things are changing. We have hit a bit of a stride, and even with two night feeds still (we're working on dropping one soon), we can function somewhat like normal human beings again. We are doing our own cooking most nights (we ate so many freezer meals and takeout the first 3 months). I am getting some chores done through the day (though still really appreciate the help from my parents and friends who pop in to get a task done a day). I am finding time to exercise. I have the confidence to take the boys out a lot more (though with our sleep training I am still limited). Sleep and naps are getting MUCH better, so I have the time in the day to regroup and do normal things like shower and eat. I love it! And I hear it only gets better once they start eating solid foods, which won't be too much longer. Things are feeling good.
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