My Anxieties

I have appreciated when others have shared their struggles through the transition to new parenthood.  Lately I have found myself struggling in unexpected ways and need an outlet for some of my thoughts. 

I was surprised that I was not struck by the "baby blues" after the twins were born.  Looking back now, I see that I was in almost a shock-like state of survival, that I don't think I had time to be depressed.  It is only in the last little while that I finally have begun to process the events surrounding the twins' birth (bed rest, pregnancy complications, NICU).  While the end result was incredible, I have come to realize that a lot of my experience was traumatic.  From time to time, I find myself reliving moments of those months and playing them over and over in my mind as I reflect and try to make sense of my emotions.

While I have not been affected by a huge depression, I have lately been experiencing bouts of anxiety to an extent that I never have felt before.  I expected to be a protective mama bear, but that isn't even the type of anxiety I feel.  I don't worry too much about the boys being hurt, or getting sick, or those types of concerns that are typical of new parents.  What I worry about is the boys' development, whether they are meeting milestones, how their brains are forming, and how I can them from any sense of trauma or unhappiness in their lives.  I know this is an unrealistic expectation.  I can't shelter them from anything bad happening... but I so wish I could!  I think that since I work in the mental health field, and see a lot of kids who experienced abuse/neglect/emotional trauma and/or who have varying degrees of disorders, I have a heightened awareness of how situations can affect children.  On a daily basis I worry that one baby's crying is going to traumatize the other baby!  In reality, though, all babies cry! 

I also experience anxiety about how our lives have changed.  I know I can't go back (nor would I want to), but I have a tough time adapting to change, and this has been the HUGEST change I could ever have imagined.  There are times when I just cannot cope with how different life is, and all I want to do is ignore the babies and wash my floors and put my house back together the way I used to when I had two free arms and lots of free time.  I get flustered when I have tasks that I can't complete.  I always used to complete all my tasks... and more.  I used to keep my body in shape by exercising.  I made sleep a priority because it is so important for my emotional well-being.  All of these things are now out of my control.  And when I am not in control - I become anxious.

I get anxious about the lack of sleep.  Sleep has always been incredibly important to me, and I am the type of person who goes to bed at the same time each night, and rises early ready to go. I underestimated how much of an effect the sleep deprivation would have on me.  Some nights I go to bed in fear and trepidation, wondering when the babies will wake and worrying about how little sleep I will get.  That keeps me awake and makes me more anxious... it's a vicious circle.

Most days I can manage, but on particularly tired days, or when stressful situations arise, or when the boys cry too much - the anxiety takes over.

I spoke to my doctor about it the other day.  I don't think I need to be on a medication completely right now.  She suggested I explore some naturopathic remedies, but also gave me a prescription for an extremely low dose of adivan to take on an as-needed basis if I feel like I really need it.  It gave me a sigh of relief.  Since my normal coping mechanisms have been taken away (sleep, exercise, coffee with friends, retail therapy), it helps to have a back-up plan in place. 

All in all, I feel like I am doing fairly well, but I like to be preventative and not let things get too far gone before dealing with them.  So, that is where I am at now.