Being Changed

The other day I spent the day at home taking care of my household.  The boys came down with their first cold (insert sad face), my hubby woke up with a super sore throat, and even my dog cut her foot at the beach and was hobbling around on 3 legs.  I wasn't feeling 100% but I was the "least" sick one, and so I was in charge of keeping everyone afloat.

It was supposed to be our day off - family day - and I had grand plans of doing some errands on my own and enjoying the sunshine with the boys.  That did not happen.  Instead I made tea, cooked meals, cleaned up after everyone, gave extra cuddles to the boys, cleaned the dogs paw, and rested when I could.

Throughout the day I experienced a range of emotions - from feeling slightly bitter about giving up my plans for the day, to feeling full satisfaction that I was needed and appreciated by my family.  Today I felt completely like a MOM.  And that got me thinking.

Being a mom is the hardest thing I have ever done, and yet, as many people express, it is the most rewarding too.  There are days when I struggle with all that I have given up.  I don't yet feel comfortable in my new skin as a mother.  I miss having the time to dress up, do my makeup, shower and shave, and look like myself!  I miss doing the little things that refresh and rejuvenate me, like enjoying a cup of tea, or going to the gym.  I miss having the time to connect with my friends who bring me life.  I miss the way the relationship my husband and I had as just a family of two.  Everything is different now.  Sometimes it is just hard to accept.

And yet, I am redefining what it means to be me, what it means to be married to my husband, what it means to be a family of four (plus our furry friend)!  I may not be as put together as I was before kids.  I may be a few pounds heavier.  I may have less time to indulge in the hobbies I enjoy.  My house may not be as tidy (though I still make quite an effort!).  But I am becoming a more patient, selfless, compassionate person as these two babies look to me to fulfill all their needs.  I am deepening the depth of the relationship with my husband as we seek to remain intimate through the busy schedule of caring for twins.  I am gaining new skills as I seek to stretch our money further, use our things more efficiently, and provide for my family with the resources I have.  I am learning (slowly) to give up my expectations and live in the moment, letting life ebb and flow as it will.  This is the hardest one for me.  I still face anxiety here from day to day, and I set standards for myself that are too high and get upset when I can't reach them.  I wish it were easier for me to adapt... but it's not. Hapa Hopes wrote a great post that echoes some of how I feel. 

I love what I am doing.  I am so excited about the future and so happy that I get to be a mom.  I don't know what/who I am going to become.  I know that this is changing me from the very core. 

What I Ate - Nursing Edition

I've been meaning to do this post for a while.  One thing that surprised me incredibly when I started nursing was how hungry and thirsty I was!  I am not lying when I say that I ate more than I did while I was pregnant with twins.  Fortunately, this has settled down, but for those first three months I felt like when I wasn't nursing or sleeping, I was eating. 

For anyone else in similar shoes, I thought I'd share what a typical day of eating looked like for me:

5am - First breakfast: Bowl of oatmeal to tie me over till morning and help my milk supply
8am - Second breakfast: Eggs (usually 2), toast, and fruit (or a variation of an egg muffin, french toast, etc.
10am - Snack: Fruit or nuts
1pm - Lunch: Soup, sandwich and salad
4pm - Snack: Nacho chips with cheese and an apple; crackers and cheese
6pm - Dinner: Varied - Meat, carbs and veggies
9pm - Before bed snack: Cereal and milk
1am - Midnight snack: Yogurt or nuts

You can see that I certainly ate my fill!  I tried to keep a high amount of protein in my diet to keep me going.  I also incorporated lots of foods that I have heard are good for milk supply: oatmeal, avocado, cashews, seaweed, and the occasional beer. :)

Unfortunately, after giving birth I developed a HUGE sweet tooth that still has not gone away.  I blame it on the fact that I had gestational diabetes and couldn't fulfill my cravings during pregnancy.  I didn't add it in, but every day included an indulgence of chocolate, cookies, or cake, depending on what was available.  I'm trying to curb this habit now, but it sure is hard!  

So there you have it. 

My Anxieties

I have appreciated when others have shared their struggles through the transition to new parenthood.  Lately I have found myself struggling in unexpected ways and need an outlet for some of my thoughts. 

I was surprised that I was not struck by the "baby blues" after the twins were born.  Looking back now, I see that I was in almost a shock-like state of survival, that I don't think I had time to be depressed.  It is only in the last little while that I finally have begun to process the events surrounding the twins' birth (bed rest, pregnancy complications, NICU).  While the end result was incredible, I have come to realize that a lot of my experience was traumatic.  From time to time, I find myself reliving moments of those months and playing them over and over in my mind as I reflect and try to make sense of my emotions.

While I have not been affected by a huge depression, I have lately been experiencing bouts of anxiety to an extent that I never have felt before.  I expected to be a protective mama bear, but that isn't even the type of anxiety I feel.  I don't worry too much about the boys being hurt, or getting sick, or those types of concerns that are typical of new parents.  What I worry about is the boys' development, whether they are meeting milestones, how their brains are forming, and how I can them from any sense of trauma or unhappiness in their lives.  I know this is an unrealistic expectation.  I can't shelter them from anything bad happening... but I so wish I could!  I think that since I work in the mental health field, and see a lot of kids who experienced abuse/neglect/emotional trauma and/or who have varying degrees of disorders, I have a heightened awareness of how situations can affect children.  On a daily basis I worry that one baby's crying is going to traumatize the other baby!  In reality, though, all babies cry! 

I also experience anxiety about how our lives have changed.  I know I can't go back (nor would I want to), but I have a tough time adapting to change, and this has been the HUGEST change I could ever have imagined.  There are times when I just cannot cope with how different life is, and all I want to do is ignore the babies and wash my floors and put my house back together the way I used to when I had two free arms and lots of free time.  I get flustered when I have tasks that I can't complete.  I always used to complete all my tasks... and more.  I used to keep my body in shape by exercising.  I made sleep a priority because it is so important for my emotional well-being.  All of these things are now out of my control.  And when I am not in control - I become anxious.

I get anxious about the lack of sleep.  Sleep has always been incredibly important to me, and I am the type of person who goes to bed at the same time each night, and rises early ready to go. I underestimated how much of an effect the sleep deprivation would have on me.  Some nights I go to bed in fear and trepidation, wondering when the babies will wake and worrying about how little sleep I will get.  That keeps me awake and makes me more anxious... it's a vicious circle.

Most days I can manage, but on particularly tired days, or when stressful situations arise, or when the boys cry too much - the anxiety takes over.

I spoke to my doctor about it the other day.  I don't think I need to be on a medication completely right now.  She suggested I explore some naturopathic remedies, but also gave me a prescription for an extremely low dose of adivan to take on an as-needed basis if I feel like I really need it.  It gave me a sigh of relief.  Since my normal coping mechanisms have been taken away (sleep, exercise, coffee with friends, retail therapy), it helps to have a back-up plan in place. 

All in all, I feel like I am doing fairly well, but I like to be preventative and not let things get too far gone before dealing with them.  So, that is where I am at now. 

Hemorrhage, D&C, Transfusion...oh my!

Well it's been an eventful few days here.  First off, the boys are great!  I'll update more on them later.

Me, on the other hand... not doing so hot.  It started a week ago, one week postpartum.  I had been bleeding since giving birth, and thought it was normal.  Towards the end of the first week I started passing bigger clots.  Then, I was in the NICU when I had a big bleed.  It just started gushing out of me after I had breastfed the boys.  Since I don't have a family doctor in this town, the NICU nurses suggested I go to emergency and be seen by a doctor.  Long story short, they did an ultrasound and found that I had retained some tissue in my uterus.  I was given misoprostol and that was supposed to be the end of it. (Though now I think my body does not really respond to misoprostol since I've had it three times and it hasn't done very much).  I bled a bit the next few days (but not much) and then it sort of slowed down.  That is, until Friday (two weeks post-partum).  

We were out for dinner with two friends who had come for a visit (both guys, at that, how embarrassing!).  As we were about to leave, I felt a gush of blood.  I tried to get up to run to the washroom, but the blood just kept coming.  I had to tell everyone what was happening.  As we sat there trying to decide what to do, the bleeding got worse.  I eventually told them to call an ambulance.  By that time, I had a pool of blood around my feet and had soaked completely through my pants (TMI, I know!).  The ambulance arrived and took me away on a stretcher.  In emergency the doctor saw me and then called the OB.  The OB attempted to release the rest of the blood by sticking one hand inside my uterus AND pushing on the outside of my abdomen (worst experience EVER... way more painful than childbirth!).  She then ordered an emergency D&C (it was 10:00pm) so I was taken away for surgery.  The D&C went well but I had lost a ton of blood. I couldn't even sit up in bed without almost passing out, so they kept me overnight.  The OB told me that the amount of products they had seen in the ultrasound did not accurately reflect how much retained placenta I actually had.  There was a lot of placenta still left inside, I guess.  As it was detaching, my body kept producing more blood to send to the placenta, and then the uterus would release it.  It built up to a critical mass and that is what caused the hemorrhage.  

In the morning they checked my blood levels and my hemoglobin was down to 50 (normal is 120-160) so I was ordered a blood transfusion (2 bags).  Apparently I was white as a ghost too.  And I was on IV fluids all day/night so I puffed up like a balloon.  But the blood helped.  Last night my levels were up to 80, which is what they were at during pregnancy.  Still low, but much more stable.  I was discharged and allowed to come back to the motel to rest up.  

Today my muscles are all sore (I think from the anesthesia) and my throat is swollen (they put a tube for oxygen down my throat), but the bleeding has almost all stopped!  I am pretty weak, but I really, really hope this is the end and I'll be on an upswing from here.  I saw the boys before we left the hospital yesterday but today I have stayed home and DH has brought my pumped milk in to feed them.  I miss them like crazy and feel bad for not being there, but I know I need to rest up and gain strength so I can better care for them.  I am worried that all the bottle feeding will affect their breast feeding, but everyone is telling me not to worry.  Once again, this is a setback but we will recover.