The other day I spent the day at home taking care of my household. The boys came down with their first cold (insert sad face), my hubby woke up with a super sore throat, and even my dog cut her foot at the beach and was hobbling around on 3 legs. I wasn't feeling 100% but I was the "least" sick one, and so I was in charge of keeping everyone afloat.
It was supposed to be our day off - family day - and I had grand plans of doing some errands on my own and enjoying the sunshine with the boys. That did not happen. Instead I made tea, cooked meals, cleaned up after everyone, gave extra cuddles to the boys, cleaned the dogs paw, and rested when I could.
Throughout the day I experienced a range of emotions - from feeling slightly bitter about giving up my plans for the day, to feeling full satisfaction that I was needed and appreciated by my family. Today I felt completely like a MOM. And that got me thinking.
Being a mom is the hardest thing I have ever done, and yet, as many people express, it is the most rewarding too. There are days when I struggle with all that I have given up. I don't yet feel comfortable in my new skin as a mother. I miss having the time to dress up, do my makeup, shower and shave, and look like myself! I miss doing the little things that refresh and rejuvenate me, like enjoying a cup of tea, or going to the gym. I miss having the time to connect with my friends who bring me life. I miss the way the relationship my husband and I had as just a family of two. Everything is different now. Sometimes it is just hard to accept.
And yet, I am redefining what it means to be me, what it means to be married to my husband, what it means to be a family of four (plus our furry friend)! I may not be as put together as I was before kids. I may be a few pounds heavier. I may have less time to indulge in the hobbies I enjoy. My house may not be as tidy (though I still make quite an effort!). But I am becoming a more patient, selfless, compassionate person as these two babies look to me to fulfill all their needs. I am deepening the depth of the relationship with my husband as we seek to remain intimate through the busy schedule of caring for twins. I am gaining new skills as I seek to stretch our money further, use our things more efficiently, and provide for my family with the resources I have. I am learning (slowly) to give up my expectations and live in the moment, letting life ebb and flow as it will. This is the hardest one for me. I still face anxiety here from day to day, and I set standards for myself that are too high and get upset when I can't reach them. I wish it were easier for me to adapt... but it's not. Hapa Hopes wrote a great post that echoes some of how I feel.
I love what I am doing. I am so excited about the future and so happy that I get to be a mom. I don't know what/who I am going to become. I know that this is changing me from the very core.
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