I'm off!

I can't believe it but the time has come. Tomorrow I am off to Australia. I am not sure if I will post during that time or not, but I'm sure I will fill you in somewhere along the way. See you around!!!

Midwives and being "found out"

Just a quick update on my day today (it was quite eventful!).  This is a pregnancy post, and I think for the next little while a lot of my posts will be.  If you don't feel like reading the blog for a while, just skip on over.  

I had my first midwives visit today.  While they had assured me that my OB would not mind "shared care," it appeared he did mind it when I brought it up.  Still, he said it was my choice so I decided to go for the initial visit.  I am glad I did.  They give you much more time to ask questions and take care of you.  And, the best part is the post-partum care.  For the first 10 days they check up on you every other day (or every day, if needed), and then once a week for the first 6 weeks.  They offer lots of support for breastfeeding, and told me that with twins I will need that support.  Anyways, the visit was mostly just gathering information, but the midwife did offer to check the heartbeat.  She said she probably would only look for one, but I readily agreed.  It took her quite a while to find it because the baby was really low and behind one of my blood vessels, but eventually we heard it!  It was beating nice and strong at 160-170bpm.  She didn't try to find the second one, but just hearing that one was enough for me.  It made my day!

So at work today (I'm a counsellor if you didn't know), I had a client come in and state, "Well, I can't keep it in any longer.  I have to ask it.... are you pregnant?"  I knew I couldn't lie to her and make her feel terrible, so I told her the truth.  It just caught me right off guard!  She claimed she knew almost 5 weeks ago, which is ridiculous.  I couldn't blame her though, because I seriously am showing like crazy right now.  In the past few days it really just happened and it is soooo hard to hide.  I am so glad I am heading off on a vacation so I can hide away until I have an unmistakable bump!  I haven't told my co-workers though, and I'm in a dilemma what to do now.  I'm sure they must suspect it, but I don't know how to tell them.  I don't see all of them in one day, and I don't know who to tell first, or what.  I am thinking of maybe leaving them a note when I'm gone for the next staff meeting that I will miss.  Or just breaking the news to some of them before I leave tomorrow?  We'll see.

Anyways, today I definitely feel pregnant!  It feels real too.  Oh, and I had my first real twin dream last night!  I dreamed it was the day they were born, and we had them at home all swaddled up.  They were sooooo perfect and cute!  The only thing was, they just kept sleeping and sleeping.  They wouldn't wake up to eat, or cry, or poop.  I kept checking on them to make sure they were alive, and they were... they were just enjoying their sound sleeping time.  All of a sudden this pregnancy feels very real!

First OB Visit

We had our first OB visit (in our own city!) today.  It went fine, but wasn't anything ground-breaking exciting.  I like the personality of our OB, but today he seemed especially distracted and not fully focused on us.  He did congratulate us, but hadn't looked at our file, so didn't even know we were having twins.  I also caught him looking at his watch, but we did not take nearly the 30 minutes we were allotted.  I guess I was a bit disappointed, but it's not like I have much choice in this small town.

Basically, he just wanted to gather information from us.  How we got pregnant, when my last cycle started, when the IUI was.  He gave us our estimated due date (EDD) - Nov. 22nd - but briefly touched on how twins reach full term earlier.  He did give me some helpful information about when I will likely want to stop working.  It is even earlier than I expected...  probably at the beginning of September!  That kind of messes up my work situation, but oh well!  I'll try to keep myself busy this summer and see how things go. 

He didn't check the babies' heartbeats, which was disappointing.  He said that this early he wouldn't be sure he could hear them and didn't want to scare us if he couldn't.  I know others have heard heartbeats this early, but maybe the technology they use isn't as advanced?  Oh well!  Since we've heard them once I am pretty happy.  When I'm back from my trip we will have another appointment and hopefully hear them then.  If not, he will send us for an u/s.  Otherwise, my next u/s will be my 18-19 week detailed scan.  Wow!  I'm actually pretty happy as I was doing reading on ultrasounds this week and became a bit wary of them.  I don't want to subject my babies to more than I need to.  We also decided not to do the NT testing so my next appointment is right around 13 weeks. 

I also asked about my trip to Australia, and he had some helpful tips.  The biggest concern for a flight of that length is leg clots, so he told me to take low dose aspirin, wear support stockings, and try to walk around every 2 hours or so.  He also said I could increase my exercise a bit and do some yoga or swimming now.  He said that I should take advantage of being active while I can, because the later stages of twin pregnancies get very uncomfortable.  He talked a bit about the risks of twin pregnancies, specifically pre-term labour, but assured me that I will be well monitored once I reach that stage.  Unfortunately, this OB will be on holidays during the time I will be giving birth, so I will have a replacement doctor.  I asked about sharing care with the midwives in town (because they had assured me that he would be open to this), but he really tried to talk me out of it.  Sigh.  I do have an initial consult with them tomorrow so I will see how it goes.  I like the idea of using them in addition to the OB because they provide after-birth care and even come to your home a number of times to make sure that you are settling in nicely. 

And that was about it.  I didn't really find out much that I didn't know beforehand, but it's a start.  Afterwards DH said that we should go out to celebrate.  I asked him what we were celebrating, and he replied that at least this was a much better experience than last time we were in that office (which was when I was miscarrying my last pregnancy).  I definitely agreed so we went out for brunch (where I ate WAY too much food) and spent the morning together.  I can't really believe this is all happening.  I just keep going a day at a time, and I'm still pregnant! 

Sex, after pregnancy, after infertility

This post is not just about sex... I just thought that was a catchy title.

This post is about the loss of pleasure in all aspects of life I normally enjoy.  It's not a depression thing.  I've been depressed before and I don't feel that way at all.  I just feel like I have an inability to enjoy the things that normally bring me great enjoyment.  Sex is one of them. 

People always talk about the way that infertility affects your sex life.  Well let me tell you, if you're not one of those lucky people whose hormones rage to let you enjoy sex more once you're pregnant, you are out of luck.  I seem to be one of those people.  At least right now.  It started off with a fear and worry of not wanting to "get in the way" of anything that might be going on in there.  As much as they say that sex can't affect a baby, it just doesn't seem to be intuitive to mess around in there too much.  After the u/s, DH became paranoid and didn't want to disturb things either.  And since that time, I have felt fat, nauseaus, grumpy, and plain old not in the mood.  Hopefully things will change once we reach the second trimester.

The other thing I have stopped enjoying is food!  This seems counter-productive as I am hungry ALL the time!  I have moments of feeling ravenous, but once I eat, I don't actually enjoy the food.  I have aversions to food, but so far no major cravings.  Sometimes I'll have a craving but by the time I get to it, I don't actually care for what I am eating any longer.  And this is the one time I have license to eat whatever I want!  Haha...ironic!

Other than that, I am going about my daily routine and activities, but not really enjoying things...drinking tea...visiting with friends...walking in the sunshine.  I guess I would attribute it to just feeling a bit icky all the time. 

Let me say though, I am NOT complaining!  I just found this to be an interesting observation about being pregnant.  I actually kind of enjoy the license not to enjoy things.  There is no pressure and if I don't feel like doing something, I just don't have to!  Every day that passes fills me with greater excitement about these little beings growing inside of me.  Part of me feels guarded still and is not feeling super attached, and yet I another part of me is longing for the permission to bond with these babies.  I think it is a natural process that will unfold in the right time.  Tomorrow I am off to the OB... I will update you on how it goes! 

9 Weeks!

(This is a pregnancy post.  Feel free to skip over if you're not into reading it at this time.)

I wasn't planning to do weekly updates continually, but I'm finding it's helpful to ground myself and have something to work towards.  These are more for my benefit of keeping things straight and remembering what I am going through.

Today I am 9 weeks!  Again, it is going so slowly, yet I can't believe we are this far too.  There is a bit of discrepancy as to whether I am 9 weeks today, or 9w3d.  See, my ultrasound pics were dated at 8w1d, which confused me because according to my count, we were only 7w4d at that point.  The babies were measuring 7w4d and 7w3d.  So, I called my doctor's office to confirm.  They explained that they count from the time of the IUI, as if the IUI took place on day 14.  But for me, it took place on day 11.  So, if you count from my last menstrual period (LMP), I am 9 weeks today, but if you count from the IUI, I am a few days later.  Does that make sense?  I don't really know which is correct, but it doesn't matter.  The babies were still measuring right on track, and both days produce the same estimated due date.  I'm still going by the dates from my LMP, which is why I say I am 9 weeks today.

This week was not too much different than last week.  I am having a harder time wanting to eat food, even though at times I am ravenously hungry still (first thing in the morning and at lunch).  I usually have to force down dinner, and I find I get full super quick too!  Usually mid-afternoon and in the evening is when the morning sickness hits.  It's usually bad at night, and I am so tired that I just go to bed at 9:00 rather than staying up and feeling sick.  However, the past few days I haven't been SO tired, and have stayed up later and not needed to nap during the day.  My breasts just got sore again.  I actually went bra shopping to find something more comfortable because at the end of the day my boobs are just dying to get out of the bra.  I've haven't gone up a whole cup size, but I've filled it out nicely and had to expand the bra length to make it around my torso.  That's the other thing... I definitely do not have a flat stomach!  It is always worst at night (gas and bloating) but there is always a bit of a bump.  Fortunately my bloating has gone down, but now there is a clear distinction starting to show.  I think I will post my bump pictures, for my reference.  Oh, and I've gone up 8lbs so far.  Not sure how much is bloat... but as soon as I started the clomid I noticed the numbers starting to climb.  I do have the linea nigra starting to show on my belly.  I noticed it first at like 7 weeks, but now DH can clearly see it too.  I haven't been too emotional, but I did cry watching the Voice the other night - at a point that wasn't even sappy.  DH just laughed at me.  He says that I have been a bit "crazy" lately, but I don't see it. :)

I still worry when my symptoms fluctuate.  Shouldn't I be more hungry?  Why aren't I tired?  Did my tummy get smaller?  Why don't I feel sick today?  And yet, every day there is a time where I definitely feel pregnant.  Plus, no spotting or bleeding is always good!  So, that's where I am today!  Just over a week until I leave to see my sister!  I AM SO EXCITED!  And I have my first OB appointment coming up on Wednesday, then a Midwives appointment on Thursday.  Oh my!  I'll be sure to keep you posted on how they go. 

(Also I've added a bump page on the right side of screen if anyone is interested in seeing)

A Work Encounter

It finally happened.  I have been waiting for this day for the past two years, since I started counselling.  Today a teenager came in and told me her story of getting pregnant with her boyfriend, and of her experience having an abortion.  And I was able to handle it. 

This is a day I have dreaded since the day I started my work.  I have worked with many teenagers with histories of sexual abuse.  One common theme for these girls is sexual experimentation or acting out.  There were times where my clients had pregnancy scares, but this was the first real pregnancy I have experienced.  I have known this girl for a while, and that may have helped the seeds of bitterness and resentment not to take root.  But I also felt a sense of peace, thinking that maybe the God who cares about me knew when I'd be ready to face something like this.  With these two precious beings growing inside of me, the blow was softened.  I recall facing a situation a year ago in which a girl thought she was pregnant and spoke to me of her options and abortion.  I remember vividly feeling the unfairness of it all, and even going so far in my mind as to having an urge to offer to adopt her child (not that I could ever actually do that in such a scenario).  I'm sure I went home from work that day and had a huge cry. 

Today is different.  It makes me angry that there are so many who struggle to carry just one child, and these 14 year old girls surprisingly find themselves 13-weeks pregnant, and choose to give their child up.  Yet today, it did not crush me.  And in that, I find great relief!

Our little secret

I realized yesterday that DH and I are keeping the "secret" of having twins, to mostly ourselves.  When we found out we were pregnant, we couldn't wait to tell those in our inner circle the news!  I would have blabbed it out for all to hear, except that I'm trying to surprise my sister when I go to see her.  However, since we found out about the twins, our clutches have considerably closed.  Sure, we told our parents right away, and I broke the news to just one of my BFFs.  For some matters of work, DH had to share the news with some of his colleagues (he was planning to be on a trip to Cambodia for the beginning of the month of November, which is my due date month... and twins do often come early).  But other than those few people, we haven't really wanted to tell anyone. 

Part of it may be fear based, but I think there is something so deliciously nice about having a secret like this to keep.  Every time we think about the twins, a smile creeps across our faces.  I know it won't last for much longer.  I am definitely starting to show, and have to try really hard to keep covered up so people won't guess.  I'm glad that I am escaping to Australia in a week and a half.  If we can just keep the secret till then, I'll gladly come back 3 weeks later proudly bearing my bump. 

But for now, it's our little secret.  And I want to enjoy it just as it is. 

8 Weeks!

(This is a pregnancy post.  Feel free to skip on over.)

Well, as I sit here at 4:30am, stuffing my face with a snack of peanut butter toast and milk, I thought, why not write a quick update?  I'm 8 weeks today!  I don't know why, but somehow getting to this point seems like a milestone to me.  We've passed the point where we lost our baby a year ago.  We saw our babies with healthy measurements and heartbeats.  I guess I feel like I can rest a bit now, which is wonderful.  Sure, I still go back and forth throughout the day feeling like I'm not sick enough... something must be wrong.... reading forums like crazy.... finding out there are others who have the same experience as me with completely healthy pregnancies...  trying to rest assured... etc.  But somehow, there is a sense of peace and like I can move on.  The past few days at work were so much easier than the days leading up to the ultrasound.  I feel like I can make it through to my vacation now.  Yes, I am still planning on taking my trip to Australia!  My RE said there was no reason for me not to.  I've researched and can't find any harm in going.  The only "risks" are that I might have to put up with more nausea on the plane, and might not have much energy while I am there.  But since my sister has a 7-month old baby, I'm sure we'll be taking lots of naps. :)

DH and I have started to dream a little about what life would be like with twins.  Okay, maybe dream is too nice of a word... it is more like freak out about all that has to be done!  Tomorrow I'm sitting down and making myself a list.  I don't plan to tackle things until I'm back from my trip, but just having a list helps me get it out of my head.  From what I have read, there is a greater chance that twin pregnancies are put on bed rest earlier, and have less mobility/ability to get things done in the later days of pregnancy, which means tasks should be completed earlier on.  This may have sent me into a bit of a frenzy (We have to move our bedroom into the spare room.  Should we replace the carpet while we are at it?  What about the wallpaper we currently have up?  We'll have to take it down and put something else up.  Where are we going to find two of everything?  Two cribs...two carseats...double stroller.  I need to reorganize all my cupboards!)  You get the point.  I think at the end of it all, I am just excited. 

I woke up the other morning with my hands caressing my belly and broke out into a huge grin.  I just get happy every time I think of those little ones growing inside me.  My mom keeps texting me saying, "Where are you going to fit TWO babies?  You have such a short torso.  How is it going to work?"  It's quite humorous actually.  I think she's in just as much shock and excitement as we are. 

So, to sum it up, here are the symptoms that I am currently facing:
- Fatigue: This is the biggest thing I notice.  If I make it through the day without a nap, I am ready for bed by 9pm.  Ideally, I like to nap after lunch for an hour, or as soon as I come home, have dinner, take the dog for a walk, and get ready for bed again.  I am so much fun to be around right now...  I still am making myself walk every day, if I can.  It's tough at times, but I usually go around dinner time when I can't stand to be around food being prepared.  The fresh air is so nice.  Thank God for a husband who likes to cook!
- Food aversion: Meat....yuck!  Veggies...force them down.  I never want to eat dinner, but force myself too, or else I am up at 4am (hence this post) with the most growly tummy ever!
- Cravings: Oranges.  Can't get enough of that citrus fruit! 
- Nausea: Slightly in the morning on my way to work; definitely at dinner time when I don't feel like eating.  No puking, but strong sense of smell and most common smells just gross me out.  I kind of feel "icky" all day long sometimes. 
- Appetite: I have to eat first thing in the morning to avoid feeling sick.  By lunch time is when I am the most hungry (even when I snack all morning) and want a big meal.  I usually am hungry for dinner, but nothing sounds appealing, and I make myself eat a snack before bed.  Lately I feel so gross though by the end of the day as if I have eaten too much, so I think I need to cut down my meal sizes.  I find I get fuller much quicker, but have to keep eating throughout the day to avoid being hungry.   Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night starving! 
- Sore boobs: Check!  I think I've reached the point where I need to find a new bra.  I'm just not comfortable and can't wait to get home and strip it off. 
- Belly: Fluctuates in size.  Right now it's normal, but it bloats on and off throughout the day.  Usually by 3pm it is the "biggest" and I look like I'm 4-5 months pregnant.  I'm not sure if it is hormones, or what.  There is not a bump, but I have filled out a little.  And I've gained back all of my pre-pregnancy weight that I had lost the few months prior.  I chalk it up to hormones too. 

That's about it for now!  Thanks for checking in.

First (miracle) ultrasound... and more!

Just home from a whirlwind day.  To sum it up in the words of DH, it was "surreal."  We had our first ultrasound at 7w5d and there was a heartbeat.

In fact, there wasn't just one heartbeat.... THERE WERE TWO!  We are having twins!!!!

Here's how it all went down.  We left our house bright and early at 7am this morning to make the 3-hour drive to the RE's office.  When it was finally our turn to go in, we were so nervous.  The doctor came in and went right to it, looking around.  When the probe first went in, it all looked empty, and the first thought that went through my mind was, "What if there is nothing there?"  I don't know how that could be possible, but that's what I thought.  Soon enough, though, I spotted the black sac with a tiny blob inside.  He identified it as a baby and instantly the tears started to flow.  At that point he started to move the probe around, and I kind of lost track of what was what, until he said, "You're having twins!"  In shock, I think I kind of laughed/sobbed, and asked him if he was joking, to which he replied, "That is not something I generally joke about" in a humorous manner.  It was quite funny.  I grabbed DH's hand and was laughing and crying at the same time.  I think I was just in shock!  He measured Baby A, and then moved the probe to pick up the heartbeat.  Instantly we heard it.  It was unmistakable, and so loud and strong.  It was the most incredible sound I had ever heard!  He went on to measure Baby B, and took a bit longer to find the heartbeat.  Both DH and I were scared for a second, because on the screen the line was blank, but as he adjusted, the heartbeat came in as loud and clear as the first one.  I wish we could have listened to it all day.  It made me giddy with excitement!  That was pretty much it, and he told me to get dressed and meet him in his office.  DH and I were both in tears.

In his office, he sat us down and talked through some details.  Baby A is measuring 7w5d at 1.50cm, which is just perfect I believe.  The pictures on the u/s specify my GA(LMP) (which I believe is last menstrual period day for measurement) at 8w1d, but I think that is incorrect.  I will call tomorrow to ask why.  Baby B is one day behind at 7w4d and 1.39cm, but I think that is quite common.  The doctor did explain that twin pregnancies are considered "high risk" pregnancies so he wants me to meet with my OB as soon as I can.  He also said that I won't be able to use the midwives because they are not able to deliver twin pregnancies.  That is fine with me... I kind of like my OB a lot and am happy to have him back.  The RE said that he was surprised that we are having twins.  He also said that this greatly increases our fertility and we should be prepared that we may get pregnant easier in the future.  Hah!  I asked him if he thought it was due to the better egg quality from the COQ10, and he kind of shrugged and said it is possible.  We may never really know...

And that was about it!  We were officially "discharged" and do not have to go back to him for now, though he asked for us to keep him updated on how things go.  DH and I didn't really know what to do with ourselves after that.  When we got to the car we called his parents first.  We want to tell mine in person.  Of course they were shocked and excited.  After that we decided to eat some Korean food (since the babies are half Korean, we figured we should treat them right!).  We then went shopping, haha!  I need some clothes for my trip to Australia and since we were in the city, this was my chance.  I went on a HUGE shopping spree, stocking up on clothes I will be able to wear through the spring/summer.  None were maternity clothes, but they all have lots of give and will work well.  I feel like I am already "showing" so many of my current and last year's clothes will not make the cut. 

The drive home was filled with listening to music, as we kept on randomly blurting out thoughts and questions about what our future will be like.  DH: We're going to have to buy a bigger car!  Me: Hopefully we'll get hand-me-downs from all our friends who have kids already.  DH: You are going to get SO BIG!  Ladies pregnant with twins always get big!  Me: Are we going to have a family band now?  DH: Holy crap!  This means I really have to grow up now.  Me: No wonder I've been so tired and feel like I've gained so much weight already.  DH: We're definitely going to need a breast pump now.  Haha!  It was quite comical as I think about it now.

So, now we're home, trying to resume life for the week, amidst the most life-changing news we have ever received.  I know it's early on, but I can't help but be excited right now.  This is a moment we have dreamed out.  We always talked about having twins.  We already have a boys and girls name chosen, and we have been dreaming of these children for many years.  For now, I want to savor every moment of the knowledge of these dear little darlings growing inside of me. 

We have a heartbeat!

I'll update more once I'm home...but just wanted to pass on the good news. We are overjoyed right now. Thanks for all the support and love!

Remembering the past, reaching for the future

I'm a jumble of thoughts and emotions today.

I came home from work early today.  I felt like I really didn't "need" to, but the past few days I was feeling pretty blah, and I just didn't have the emotional energy to attend to my clients like I needed to today.  I'm not sure if I'm fighting a bit of a flu, or if it is just all pregnancy symptoms too.  Either way, I decided to give myself a break and leave work early (I'm also considering taking tomorrow off too...shhh, don't tell!).  It was so tough to go into work today.  I don't know if it is just because I only have 3 more weeks at my one job, and I'm starting to "check out" already.  Or it could be that my mind is consumed/worried/anxious about our upcoming ultrasound on Wednesday.

I think the latter is weighing on me more than I realize.  The other night I sat down to write down our TTC history in a notebook so that I have a hard copy and not just the notes on the computer.  Our ultrasound is on April 10th this year.  It just so happens, that a year ago, on April 10th, we went for a 2nd ultrasound with our first pregnancy to confirm viability.  April 10th was the day we were diagnosed with a blighted ovum.  Despite the fact that I feel way more pregnant than I did last year, I think I am subconsciously bracing myself for bad news.  In most cases, you could say that as long as there is no bleeding, everything is fine.  But last time my body missed the miscarriage, meaning that it continued to produce the gestational sac, even though the baby inside wasn't growing.  What if that is what is happening this time?  I really don't think it is... I do really feel positive that this is our time to have a baby... but I think underneath it all I am very aware of the memories of last year.  Maybe that's why I'm not feeling so hot right now.  Maybe my body is giving me time to emotionally prepare, to rest, to have some space from the worries of work so that I can focus on what we need as a family right now.  I think that is possible.

I'm caught in-between wanting to embrace this pregnancy and enjoy myself (amidst the feeling icky), and not wanting to get too attached.  All that I really want for this ultrasound is the permission to move on.  The permission to go ahead and rejoice and become attached to this little being growing inside of me.  When I first found out I was pregnant, I impulsively signed up for some Baby Center forums, which I now get daily emails about.  I glance over the new thread topics, but I can't bring myself to comment or join into another community apart from this one.  I have pregnancy books, but I don't care to look at them.  I'm supposed to have my first mid-wife appointment this week, but I don't even feel like I want to go yet.  I really hope that this ultrasound confirms things, and that we are able to move on.

Cristy, at Searching for our Silver Lining, wrote a fabulous post about Infertility Amnesia vs. Healing.  I really don't think it's possible for me to have infertility amnesia.  I am consistently conscious of the road we have travelled to get this far.  I am aware of how different our journey is from most of the families around me.  I am aware of the hurt that will never fully go away, the jealousy that will always flare up, the missed time that I will always regret.  And yet, I plan to be completely devoted to enjoying this pregnancy and (hopefully) our miracle baby.  So here I am, reaching to the past, and hoping for the future at the same time.

7 weeks update

*This is pregnancy post... mixed in with other thoughts.  Feel free to skip over*

Here we are... 7 weeks in.  Time is going so slowly still!  Each day seems like an eternity as I countdown till the big ultrasound.  5 more days to go now.  I can make it.  Fortunately, I am feeling more and more pregnant with each day that passes. 

This past week, the nausea and fatigue set in.  Big time!  I haven't yet puked, but I rarely ever puke, even when sick with the flu.  I think I have only puked once since I was a child.  However, instead of puking, I get to put up with the incredibly uncomfortable feeling of an upset stomach ALL THE TIME!  I have been super bloated too, which is not very nice either (and is stressful because I'm constantly trying to hide my "bump" so that nobody sees it yet).  And the tiredness... oh my!  This week I became one of those people you hear about... got home from work, took an hour nap, had dinner, cleaned up, and went to bed at 9:00 for the rest of the night.  Seriously!  I don't know what happened, but I just couldn't do it.  I had one terrible, terrible day at work where I felt horrid all day long.  At that point I honestly wondered how I would make it through the next month of work before my schedule settles down.  All my romanticized ideas of being pregnant flew out the window, that's for sure.  And yet, there wasn't a moment in the day where I wasn't aware that right now, I am pregnant.  That is the coolest thing.  Every time I mention feeling sick to DH, he just breaks out into a huge smile.

I'm trying to get a handle on how to manage all of these new symptoms amidst my busy schedule.  Sleep is super important.  Also I'm trying to eat regularly and make sure I fuel up at the beginning of the day.  Today I had a huge breakfast but that has helped.  Part of the problem is that I feel so sick that I don't feel like eating anything.  The only thing I like right now is fruit (I love fruit!), and maybe cereal or toast.  Getting protein and veggies in me is tough sluggings.  I figure that it's okay because things will round out as time goes on.  I haven't been craving sugar or other sweets so that's good too. 

I've put DH strictly on morning dog duty, and making dinner after work.  This seems to work because I can get up, go to work (try to take a quick power nap at lunch if there is time), come home, sleep for an hour, eat dinner, walk the dog (or manage a trip to the park to throw the ball if too tired) and then go to bed.  That's my life right now.  I still have tons to get done before I go to Australia so I'm hoping I can squeeze in little projects from time to time.  Right now, getting anything more than the essentials done is super tough! 

So, that's where I'm at today.  I'll post an update as soon as I have the ultrasound!  I'm quite excited!!!

Oh, and I had my first "baby" dream last night.  We were at the ultrasound and I couldn't see the screen but DH could.  The doctor said nothing, but once it was over, I motioned to DH to ask how many babies there were.  In a matter of fact way, he said, "Two."  I screamed out... "Two!"  We were having twins!  It was such an exciting moment.  I'm pretty sure based on my Hcg numbers that there is just one snug little bug in there, but I wouldn't be sad if there were two after all.  

Sharing the news!

Just as a side note, I wanted to let you all know that I'm still deciding how to treat this blog now that I'm pregnant.  I don't want it to become inundated with only pregnancy posts; however, especially at the beginning, that is all that is on my mind.  I still hope to write about infertility and other life stuff, but pregnancy might take the front seat for a little while.  I will try to always qualify those posts with a one-liner at the top so feel free to skip over if you're not in the mood for reading about pregnancy.  Apart from a few really dark times for me, I actually found it really hopeful and helpful to read about others' experiences with pregnancy after infertility. 

This past week we told a bunch of people about our pregnancy.  I know it's early but we really wanted to have people's support just in case things do turn out badly, you know?  The first people we told were DH's parents over the phone.  They were super excited, and kept saying that they were proud of us for waiting so patiently (hah.. patient is not the word I would have given myself).  Funnily, both of them wanted to know "when" it had happened.  DH's mom outright asked me if it happend on Valntine's day.  Oh Korean in-laws.  We had a good chuckle after. 

It was a bit more difficult to figure out how to tell my parents.  They didn't know that we were trying again, and we have kept them a bit more distant lately, since we live in the same town and wanted some privacy through this all.  Also they have had their own struggle in understanding all that we went through last year and they are still hurt by it all.  In the end, we decided to leave a little pair of baby socks hanging on their front door with a sign saying, "Coming soon to a neighbourhood near you...November, 2013."  Of course as soon as they found it we got the call.  They were excited, but you could tell there was reservation keeping them from getting too excited.  They really don't want to see us hurt again.  However since then, my mom has grown in excitement and even brought by a "Mama Bear's Survival Kit" full of little containers of ginger, almonds, Metamucil (hah!), crackers, vegetable juice, and mints.  It was super cute! 

Lastly, we told our young adults Bible study group.  As I mentioned before, we observed Lent this year with a group of them, and we were (secretly) praying specifically for an answer to our prayers about infertility.  On Easter weekend, we had a huge party/feast/karaoke night, and shared testimonies of how God had heard our prayers through Lent.  We shared our story with the group.  It was pretty special and we are glad that they know so that they can support us either way.  The young guys were especially funny, immediately calling "shotty" on who gets to be godfather. 

That's all that we are telling for now, oh, except DH's brother who is visiting this weekend.  I really want to keep it a secret to surprise my sister with in a month so we've told people strict instructions for keeping it quiet.  Once I'm back from Australia and into the second trimester, we'll make it public knowledge (though we have vowed not to post anything about it on Facebook... I even might be closing down my account).  So, that's the story so far.  It feels good and makes it seem more real to share with the people who are close around us.