This post is not just about sex... I just thought that was a catchy title.
This post is about the loss of pleasure in all aspects of life I normally enjoy. It's not a depression thing. I've been depressed before and I don't feel that way at all. I just feel like I have an inability to enjoy the things that normally bring me great enjoyment. Sex is one of them.
People always talk about the way that infertility affects your sex life. Well let me tell you, if you're not one of those lucky people whose hormones rage to let you enjoy sex more once you're pregnant, you are out of luck. I seem to be one of those people. At least right now. It started off with a fear and worry of not wanting to "get in the way" of anything that might be going on in there. As much as they say that sex can't affect a baby, it just doesn't seem to be intuitive to mess around in there too much. After the u/s, DH became paranoid and didn't want to disturb things either. And since that time, I have felt fat, nauseaus, grumpy, and plain old not in the mood. Hopefully things will change once we reach the second trimester.
The other thing I have stopped enjoying is food! This seems counter-productive as I am hungry ALL the time! I have moments of feeling ravenous, but once I eat, I don't actually enjoy the food. I have aversions to food, but so far no major cravings. Sometimes I'll have a craving but by the time I get to it, I don't actually care for what I am eating any longer. And this is the one time I have license to eat whatever I want! Haha...ironic!
Other than that, I am going about my daily routine and activities, but not really enjoying things...drinking tea...visiting with friends...walking in the sunshine. I guess I would attribute it to just feeling a bit icky all the time.
Let me say though, I am NOT complaining! I just found this to be an interesting observation about being pregnant. I actually kind of enjoy the license not to enjoy things. There is no pressure and if I don't feel like doing something, I just don't have to! Every day that passes fills me with greater excitement about these little beings growing inside of me. Part of me feels guarded still and is not feeling super attached, and yet I another part of me is longing for the permission to bond with these babies. I think it is a natural process that will unfold in the right time. Tomorrow I am off to the OB... I will update you on how it goes!
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Sex, money, kids and... weight gain?
There are a few topics that I find it hard to write about, despite my openness about so much of my body's inner workings. Sex, money and weight gain are some of those topics (well, money not so much but we'll attack it anyways). However, after reading quite a few posts about weight gain and sex (most recently an incredibly honest post by Jill at Infertility Unexplained and Alissa at MissConception), I thought I would put some thoughts down. One of the main reasons I use my blog as an outlet is so that others who are sharing the same struggles may find comfort in knowing they're not alone. Hopefully this is one of those posts (and I didn't realize how much I had to rant about here, so I'm sorry for the length).
Sex
This may be a shocker for some, but I was one of those girls who waited until I was married to have sex. Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to commit to abstinence. It wasn't so hard, considering I lived in a small town and was a church girl. In college, I met the love of my life and we got married and had sex for the first time on our wedding night. Sex was good. Since we did not have others to compare ourselves with, it was fun, and felt free, and exhilarating. Those feelings carried on when we went off birth control and started TTC. Somewhere along the line though, the excitement was replaced by another feeling... I don't want to say the word "dread" but it was almost like that... a feeling like what this was supposed to be, wasn't really what it was actually being.
People say that infertility ruins sex. I'm not sure if it is just infertility, or if there are other issues in our marriage that make sex less than it should be, but I know that infertility definitely plays a role.
Even when we have sex "for fun," knowing that we are outside of our "fertile" period, there is less connection, less intimacy, less fun. I think sex was designed for both pleasure and procreation. If you lose the ability to procreate, it feels like sex has lost some of its purpose. Along with infertility, your sex life becomes public, and no longer a private, intimate affair. I must say, I am pretty private about my sex life, but DH is, by far, 10,000 times more private than me. Giving samples, meeting doctors, talking about his "performance" - that is all wayyyyy over his line of comfort. I'm not sure, but this may have caused him to close off slightly when it comes to actually having sex now (that's something I haven't thought of before and will put mre thought into). And then there's the emotional part. I definitely don't think DH and I have reached a place of peace about what is happening to us. We each have our own personal struggles with it, and we have our struggles as a couple. For the most part, though, we can close off that section of our emotions/brains that this affects and get on with regular life. But sex... sex opens wide those doors and reminds us once again of what we are going through. It's hard to enjoy sex when all it does is remind you of what it is not achieving.
Money
Infertility and money is just a bitter issue for me. I don't see how it is fair that women who CAN'T HAVE BABIES have to pay exorbitant amounts of money for treatments to have a kid. I also don't understand why adoption is so darn expensive! I saw an ad yesterday that brought light to the fact that it is cheaper to abort a baby than to adopt one. WTF?!?! Now we haven't actually had to pay very much yet, so I really can't complain, but when I read blogs of other women who have drained themselves in this endeavor, it just irks me. People say that sex, money and kids are the biggest killers of marriage (sources of conflict). I think that us infertiles get whacked with all three at once.
Weight
And now... don't get me started on this one! I don't think I have EVER been as frustrated with my weight as I am right now. So here's a quick recap. I never once thought about weight as a kid. I was average... put on a few pounds in high school and after graduating became conscious of my weight and started exercising. In college I was quite in shape. I was fairly petite and exercised daily. I didn't put on the freshman 10lb gain, but I did start to fill out in the hips, etc. Then I got married. With marriage comes the obligatory 5lb gain. I have always highly valued exercise. I feel so much better when I am exercising. I love the feeling after a good run or workout. But my body is not the strongest. And, like my mom, I tend to get sick if I overdo it or workout too hard. Still, I tried hard and felt pretty good about my weight and body shape.
Fast forward to 5 years of TTC, 6 rounds of clomid, one IUI, a pregnancy with miscarriage... and here I am today, weighing more than I have EVER weighed in my life! I think it is a combination of hormones whacked out by drugs, fertility drug bloating/water retention, comfort foods for those bad days, and lack of motivation to exercise on other days. Fortunately, the one thing I have going for me is fairly good muscle tone. Apart from my ever-expanding hips and butt, I am fairly toned in my muscle. Still! I recently pulled out my summer clothes from last year. Last year I was larger than I had ever been and had to buy a whole new wardrobe for summer. This year I couldn't even get my legs into some of the shorts. It's weird though, because other pieces of clothing fit me just fine, and I even fit into a shirt I couldn't wear last year. I think it honestly is my hips that have expanded and widened over this past year.
Now I'm NOT a dieter. I just can't do it. I love eating way too much. I just can't give up some foods. I try to do the "everything in moderation" deal, but even when I think I'm doing it, I still end up overeating on sweets and carbs. I still exercise and I've been in a good routine. But I have to do quite a bit in order just to maintain my weight, so losing is real tough. Also I just haven't had all my energy back since the miscarriage. So even when I want to exercise, I sometimes can't. It's so maddening!
So right now, this is the most frustrating thing of all! I look at my friend J, who had a baby in January, and who looks like she is right back to her pre-pregnancy weight, toned arms and everything, and I am insanely jealous! I am roughly 15-20lbs over my ideal weight, and I do not have a baby or anything to show for it. I am bitter and mad and frustrated. DH and I are making an effort over the summer to get in shape. Without our student here we are able to cook what we want. We're planning to go on a juicing diet for a while (just drinking vegetable juice for dinner some nights), and I'm continuing on with my berry/green smoothies for breakfast. The biggest thing I need to work on is giving up sugar. That will be hard!
Whew!
I guess I had way more to say than I realized. I still feel like I could go on, but I will stop it there for your sake (and maybe do a part 2 once I've had time to settle). I realize this is one huge rant, but I guess that is what I needed today too. These clearly are some of the most annoying side effects of infertility. Boo!
On a lighter note, I decided to search infertility in Pinterest, and found an image I thought I'd share.
Sex
This may be a shocker for some, but I was one of those girls who waited until I was married to have sex. Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to commit to abstinence. It wasn't so hard, considering I lived in a small town and was a church girl. In college, I met the love of my life and we got married and had sex for the first time on our wedding night. Sex was good. Since we did not have others to compare ourselves with, it was fun, and felt free, and exhilarating. Those feelings carried on when we went off birth control and started TTC. Somewhere along the line though, the excitement was replaced by another feeling... I don't want to say the word "dread" but it was almost like that... a feeling like what this was supposed to be, wasn't really what it was actually being.
People say that infertility ruins sex. I'm not sure if it is just infertility, or if there are other issues in our marriage that make sex less than it should be, but I know that infertility definitely plays a role.
Even when we have sex "for fun," knowing that we are outside of our "fertile" period, there is less connection, less intimacy, less fun. I think sex was designed for both pleasure and procreation. If you lose the ability to procreate, it feels like sex has lost some of its purpose. Along with infertility, your sex life becomes public, and no longer a private, intimate affair. I must say, I am pretty private about my sex life, but DH is, by far, 10,000 times more private than me. Giving samples, meeting doctors, talking about his "performance" - that is all wayyyyy over his line of comfort. I'm not sure, but this may have caused him to close off slightly when it comes to actually having sex now (that's something I haven't thought of before and will put mre thought into). And then there's the emotional part. I definitely don't think DH and I have reached a place of peace about what is happening to us. We each have our own personal struggles with it, and we have our struggles as a couple. For the most part, though, we can close off that section of our emotions/brains that this affects and get on with regular life. But sex... sex opens wide those doors and reminds us once again of what we are going through. It's hard to enjoy sex when all it does is remind you of what it is not achieving.
Money
Infertility and money is just a bitter issue for me. I don't see how it is fair that women who CAN'T HAVE BABIES have to pay exorbitant amounts of money for treatments to have a kid. I also don't understand why adoption is so darn expensive! I saw an ad yesterday that brought light to the fact that it is cheaper to abort a baby than to adopt one. WTF?!?! Now we haven't actually had to pay very much yet, so I really can't complain, but when I read blogs of other women who have drained themselves in this endeavor, it just irks me. People say that sex, money and kids are the biggest killers of marriage (sources of conflict). I think that us infertiles get whacked with all three at once.
Weight
And now... don't get me started on this one! I don't think I have EVER been as frustrated with my weight as I am right now. So here's a quick recap. I never once thought about weight as a kid. I was average... put on a few pounds in high school and after graduating became conscious of my weight and started exercising. In college I was quite in shape. I was fairly petite and exercised daily. I didn't put on the freshman 10lb gain, but I did start to fill out in the hips, etc. Then I got married. With marriage comes the obligatory 5lb gain. I have always highly valued exercise. I feel so much better when I am exercising. I love the feeling after a good run or workout. But my body is not the strongest. And, like my mom, I tend to get sick if I overdo it or workout too hard. Still, I tried hard and felt pretty good about my weight and body shape.
Fast forward to 5 years of TTC, 6 rounds of clomid, one IUI, a pregnancy with miscarriage... and here I am today, weighing more than I have EVER weighed in my life! I think it is a combination of hormones whacked out by drugs, fertility drug bloating/water retention, comfort foods for those bad days, and lack of motivation to exercise on other days. Fortunately, the one thing I have going for me is fairly good muscle tone. Apart from my ever-expanding hips and butt, I am fairly toned in my muscle. Still! I recently pulled out my summer clothes from last year. Last year I was larger than I had ever been and had to buy a whole new wardrobe for summer. This year I couldn't even get my legs into some of the shorts. It's weird though, because other pieces of clothing fit me just fine, and I even fit into a shirt I couldn't wear last year. I think it honestly is my hips that have expanded and widened over this past year.
Now I'm NOT a dieter. I just can't do it. I love eating way too much. I just can't give up some foods. I try to do the "everything in moderation" deal, but even when I think I'm doing it, I still end up overeating on sweets and carbs. I still exercise and I've been in a good routine. But I have to do quite a bit in order just to maintain my weight, so losing is real tough. Also I just haven't had all my energy back since the miscarriage. So even when I want to exercise, I sometimes can't. It's so maddening!
So right now, this is the most frustrating thing of all! I look at my friend J, who had a baby in January, and who looks like she is right back to her pre-pregnancy weight, toned arms and everything, and I am insanely jealous! I am roughly 15-20lbs over my ideal weight, and I do not have a baby or anything to show for it. I am bitter and mad and frustrated. DH and I are making an effort over the summer to get in shape. Without our student here we are able to cook what we want. We're planning to go on a juicing diet for a while (just drinking vegetable juice for dinner some nights), and I'm continuing on with my berry/green smoothies for breakfast. The biggest thing I need to work on is giving up sugar. That will be hard!
Whew!
I guess I had way more to say than I realized. I still feel like I could go on, but I will stop it there for your sake (and maybe do a part 2 once I've had time to settle). I realize this is one huge rant, but I guess that is what I needed today too. These clearly are some of the most annoying side effects of infertility. Boo!
On a lighter note, I decided to search infertility in Pinterest, and found an image I thought I'd share.
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