Sex, money, kids and... weight gain?

There are a few topics that I find it hard to write about, despite my openness about so much of my body's inner workings.  Sex, money and weight gain are some of those topics (well, money not so much but we'll attack it anyways).  However, after reading quite a few posts about weight gain and sex (most recently an incredibly honest post by Jill at Infertility Unexplained and Alissa at MissConception), I thought I would put some thoughts down.  One of the main reasons I use my blog as an outlet is so that others who are sharing the same struggles may find comfort in knowing they're not alone.   Hopefully this is one of those posts (and I didn't realize how much I had to rant about here, so I'm sorry for the length).

Sex

This may be a shocker for some, but I was one of those girls who waited until I was married to have sex.  Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to commit to abstinence.  It wasn't so hard, considering I lived in a small town and was a church girl.  In college, I met the love of my life and we got married and had sex for the first time on our wedding night.  Sex was good.  Since we did not have others to compare ourselves with, it was fun, and felt free, and exhilarating.  Those feelings carried on when we went off birth control and started TTC.  Somewhere along the line though, the excitement was replaced by another feeling...  I don't want to say the word "dread" but it was almost like that... a feeling like what this was supposed to be, wasn't really what it was actually being.

People say that infertility ruins sex.  I'm not sure if it is just infertility, or if there are other issues in our marriage that make sex less than it should be, but I know that infertility definitely plays a role.

Even when we have sex "for fun," knowing that we are outside of our "fertile" period, there is less connection, less intimacy, less fun.  I think sex was designed for both pleasure and procreation.  If you lose the ability to procreate, it feels like sex has lost some of its purpose.  Along with infertility, your sex life becomes public, and no longer a private, intimate affair.  I must say, I am pretty private about my sex life, but DH is, by far, 10,000 times more private than me.  Giving samples, meeting doctors, talking about his "performance" - that is all wayyyyy over his line of comfort.  I'm not sure, but this may have caused him to close off slightly when it comes to actually having sex now (that's something I haven't thought of before and will put mre thought into).  And then there's the emotional part.  I definitely don't think DH and I have reached a place of peace about what is happening to us.  We each have our own personal struggles with it, and we have our struggles as a couple.  For the most part, though, we can close off that section of our emotions/brains that this affects and get on with regular life.  But sex... sex opens wide those doors and reminds us once again of what we are going through.  It's hard to enjoy sex when all it does is remind you of what it is not achieving.  

Money


Infertility and money is just a bitter issue for me.  I don't see how it is fair that women who CAN'T HAVE BABIES have to pay exorbitant amounts of money for treatments to have a kid.  I also don't understand why adoption is so darn expensive!  I saw an ad yesterday that brought light to the fact that it is cheaper to abort a baby than to adopt one.  WTF?!?!  Now we haven't actually had to pay very much yet, so I really can't complain, but when I read blogs of other women who have drained themselves in this endeavor, it just irks me.   People say that sex, money and kids are the biggest killers of marriage (sources of conflict).  I think that us infertiles get whacked with all three at once.


Weight


And now... don't get me started on this one!  I don't think I have EVER been as frustrated with my weight as I am right now.  So here's a quick recap.  I never once thought about weight as a kid.  I was average... put on a few pounds in high school and after graduating became conscious of my weight and started exercising.  In college I was quite in shape.  I was fairly petite and exercised daily.  I didn't put on the freshman 10lb gain, but I did start to fill out in the hips, etc.  Then I got married.  With marriage comes the obligatory 5lb gain.  I have always highly valued exercise.  I feel so much better when I am exercising.  I love the feeling after a good run or workout.  But my body is not the strongest.  And, like my mom, I tend to get sick if I overdo it or workout too hard.  Still, I tried hard and felt pretty good about my weight and body shape.

Fast forward to 5 years of TTC, 6 rounds of clomid, one IUI, a pregnancy with miscarriage... and here I am today, weighing more than I have EVER weighed in my life!  I think it is a combination of hormones whacked out by drugs, fertility drug bloating/water retention, comfort foods for those bad days, and lack of motivation to exercise on other days.  Fortunately, the one thing I have going for me is fairly good muscle tone.  Apart from my ever-expanding hips and butt, I am fairly toned in my muscle.  Still!  I recently pulled out my summer clothes from last year.  Last year I was larger than I had ever been and had to buy a whole new wardrobe for summer.  This year I couldn't even get my legs into some of the shorts.  It's weird though, because other pieces of clothing fit me just fine, and I even fit into a shirt I couldn't wear last year.  I think it honestly is my hips that have expanded and widened over this past year.

Now I'm NOT a dieter.  I just can't do it.  I love eating way too much.  I just can't give up some foods.  I try to do the "everything in moderation" deal, but even when I think I'm doing it, I still end up overeating on sweets and carbs.  I still exercise and I've been in a good routine.  But I have to do quite a bit in order just to maintain my weight, so losing is real tough.  Also I just haven't had all my energy back since the miscarriage.  So even when I want to exercise, I sometimes can't.  It's so maddening!

So right now, this is the most frustrating thing of all!  I look at my friend J, who had a baby in January, and who looks like she is right back to her pre-pregnancy weight, toned arms and everything, and I am insanely jealous!  I am roughly 15-20lbs over my ideal weight, and I do not have a baby or anything to show for it.  I am bitter and mad and frustrated.  DH and I are making an effort over the summer to get in shape.  Without our student here we are able to cook what we want.  We're planning to go on a juicing diet for a while (just drinking vegetable juice for dinner some nights), and I'm continuing on with my berry/green smoothies for breakfast.  The biggest thing I need to work on is giving up sugar.  That will be hard!

Whew!

I guess I had way more to say than I realized.  I still feel like I could go on, but I will stop it there for your sake (and maybe do a part 2 once I've had time to settle).  I realize this is one huge rant, but I guess that is what I needed today too.  These clearly are some of the most annoying side effects of infertility.  Boo!

On a lighter note, I decided to search infertility in Pinterest, and found an image I thought I'd share.

And so it begins...

So I started my period today... which means that in 3 days I start the clomid cycle. I already feel stressed out and like a basket-case with everything going on that I am a bit worried about how I’ll react (most worried for my poor DH and him having to put up with me). I hear that it can make you pretty hormonal and mood swingy and emotional and…you get the picture. Oh well! I am slightly concerned because hubby has not yet had his dr. appointment. It was supposed to be for tomorrow but the dr. had to change the date to next week. So, we will start off on this (expensive) medicine without knowing if there is something wrong on his end that needs to be dealt with first. Oh well. C’est la vie! For now, I just keep doing whatever I can to help this process and that gives me sanity in this life.

The more I think about it, the more I am stumped completely. Why are we infertile? Why are so many women and couples facing infertility? What has happened in our culture? Is it diet and nutrition? Is it the chemicals that surround us all the time? And would it make a difference to actually eliminate those things that could be impeding, or is it too late? I wonder if we drastically changed out diet (no sugar, cut out all processed foods, hormone-free/organic meat and dairy), would that affect things? I guess right now I don’t believe it would. I feel like if there is something wrong, it is bigger than us. And so, I’ll keep spinning my wheels doing what I can to try to make a difference. 5 years is pretty weird though. If it hasn’t happened now, will it ever? We haven’t been given the closed door, and that makes it even more mysterious. If we knew what was wrong, we could move on from there. But we don’t. And that is the worst part.

I had a major meltdown last night. I saw some recent photos of myself and felt soooo fat and ugly. I don’t understand why I have been trying SO hard to workout hard and lose weight, but I have not. Maybe I have more stamina/strength, but I feel even bigger than I did before! It is so frustrating. I know I don’t eat the best, but I don’t want to have to count all my calories and resist enjoying good food. I just want to be free to enjoy life…

Then there is the issue of our house. Money is going to be quite tight for the next couple months without students. We just got more bills we weren’t aware of. Our credit cards are pretty high. And then there is my student loan I have to start paying off soon. It’s a lot to worry about. We had a talk about it last night. We love our house. But we bought this house with the intention of having a family in it. With just the two of us and a dog, it is too big. Too much waste (energy, heat, water). Too much space. Too much cleaning. We don’t like living with students, but it is a necessity to keep up this large house. We really like the house. We just thought things would be different… I guess that’s the key. There is so much we thought would be different…