Baby dream

Last night I had my first baby dream.  I don't think I have ever had such a vivid dream about having a baby.  I actually woke up, and thought for a split second that it was real.  In the dream, DH and I were walking by a park with a playground.  We had a little girl.  She was about one and a half, with soft brown curls and baggy britches (what we like to call the look of babies with cloth diapers).  She toddled over to the playground and DH and I suddenly realized that she was finally big enough to play on some of the toys.  Of course we decided that the slide was the best option, but there were two slides.  One was the new plastic kind (that makes your hair full of static), and the other was the old aluminum slide.  DH decided to try them both to see which would be safer for her to ride on, on our laps.  That was when I awoke.

It was a wonderful dream.  I think that in the midst of all that has happened, I have lost some of the reasons for why we are putting ourselves through such torture to get something we want.  But that dream reminded me.  We do want a baby.  We want one of our own.  We want to share life with a special little one.  We want to teach and to grow together.  So if that means dealing with the effects of all that comes with infertility (especially the clomid, which DH has nicknamed the demon drug), I'll take it.  It's all worth it for that dream I had to come true.

Feeling good

I don't have much to say except that I am feeling pretty good today.  Actually yesterday and today were both pretty good days.  It has been gross, gross weather here, like huge windstorms and tons of rain.  I was so looking forward to my yoga class!  It was a great class.  I love the instructor because she knows so much about the body and she keeps the class focused on what is good for your body.  She doesn't bring in a lot of the spiritual side, which I appreciate.  It really is just a good workout.  Yesterday I just felt really focused and centered during the class.  At the end, I felt so good!  I had wanted to use the steamroom/sauna but then I thought that maybe I should not while we are pursuing treatment.  I know that guys need to keep from overheating their fellows, but is it the same for ladies?

I came home feeling a bit elated, which I have not felt for a while.  DH and I cuddled up and watched some Downton Abby (I'm totally addicted to that show right now, I just love it!).  And today the sun is shinging and I'm still feeling pretty good.  Just waiting for the clomid crazy to kick in... I'll enjoy this feeling while it lasts.

The Dreaded Dentist

Well I seem to be a mixed bag of emotions here still. One moment I’m fine, and the next I am on the brink of tears for no apparent reason! I think I am also hyper-sensitive to anyone who is rude or inconsiderate too. I went to the dentist today and had my first moment of “public exposure.” On the intake form there was a section for any current medication and health problems that were being treated. And, for the first time in my life, I AM on a medication – clomid. So, of course, I had to put it down and write that I was seeing a doctor for fertility treatments. Also, I had seen another dentist in town, whom I did not want to keep seeing, and so I had asked for my files to be sent over. I called a little while back to confirm that they were sending my files and they said they would. Then I arrived today and the dentist did not have my files. It made me even madder at the previous dentist, and so I told the new one that I did not want to have any X-rays done because I had just had them done a few months ago. Anyways, the lady at the desk seemed to be a bit in a snuff because of it all (though maybe it was just my perception). She was also rude and slow at her job and it made me especially ticked off.

My visit with the dentist was good. The assistant was super nice and even asked me if there was a chance that I might be pregnant because they wanted to do a different type of X-ray (she told me not to go until I’m sure that I’m not pregnant). At the end of our visit she even told me not to worry about something (I don’t quite remember what) because “you have enough on your plate right now.” It was the first outside acknowledgment of what I am going through. And it felt so good! The dentist also acknowledged it slightly, telling me that it will happen when it happens and at least I am still young (…not always what I want to hear, but he was genuine and I actually appreciated that he mentioned it). He also thanked me for trusting him and I felt real safe.

Anyways, all-in-all it was a good experience. Tomorrow I go for my day 21 progesterone! I don’t even know if progesterone is affected if you get pregnant, but secretly I hope that I am pregnant and something shows up different, hehe. But that is wishful thinking and I should really ground myself in reality. I have been feeling a bit blah and am super sensitive to any possible symptom that I experience! Last night I had a real bad cramp in my right side – I actually woke up my husband. All through the night I felt pressure in my abdomen and into this morning. Could that be a sign of anything happening (apart from cysts forming, dear God I hope not!)? I wish it were, but I don’t want to get my hopes too high, either. I just realized that I am scheduled to get my period a few days before we leave to go camping out in the wilderness (only with porter potties). That would royally suck (especially because we were planning some hikes on trails that are frequented by bears…) so I am really hoping it either comes early, and gets it over with, or comes quite late… or (best case scenario) doesn’t come at all! Of course if we are camping and it’s late I will be freaking out and probably wait till we get home to take a pee test…

Clomid Day 2

Just thought I'd give a little update on the clomid here. I don't really know what to expect with it, but I'm the kind of person who thinks that recording things can never hurt. :) I feel very emotional today and ready to cry at anything. I'm not sure if that's a result of the drug, or just that I feel very overtired and like I can't get enough sleep these days. I also had a wicked headache earlier today. I NEVER get headaches. Occasionally I get a small one coinciding with my period, so it could have been that... but this was pretty bad. I had to lie down and just wanted it to be dark. Well, I guess I can hope it is all working!

I had a really good time at church today. Dan spoke about Ruth and Boaz. I want to be like Ruth, who in the midst of her suffering and losing everything, still had faith in God. And God aligned things to work out perfectly for her.

I'd like to have the elders in the church (and their wives) pray for us. My dad suggested doing anointing with oil. I don't know if I believe in that... but some support and prayer wouldn't hurt at all. I used to have faith in healing in these types of situations, but I'm not sure what I think now. It gave me some hope today to realize that every woman in the Bible who was barren and prayed for a baby got one. I honestly feel like it's just in God's timing. And like we'll have a great story to tell of God's faithfulness.

And so it begins...

So I started my period today... which means that in 3 days I start the clomid cycle. I already feel stressed out and like a basket-case with everything going on that I am a bit worried about how I’ll react (most worried for my poor DH and him having to put up with me). I hear that it can make you pretty hormonal and mood swingy and emotional and…you get the picture. Oh well! I am slightly concerned because hubby has not yet had his dr. appointment. It was supposed to be for tomorrow but the dr. had to change the date to next week. So, we will start off on this (expensive) medicine without knowing if there is something wrong on his end that needs to be dealt with first. Oh well. C’est la vie! For now, I just keep doing whatever I can to help this process and that gives me sanity in this life.

The more I think about it, the more I am stumped completely. Why are we infertile? Why are so many women and couples facing infertility? What has happened in our culture? Is it diet and nutrition? Is it the chemicals that surround us all the time? And would it make a difference to actually eliminate those things that could be impeding, or is it too late? I wonder if we drastically changed out diet (no sugar, cut out all processed foods, hormone-free/organic meat and dairy), would that affect things? I guess right now I don’t believe it would. I feel like if there is something wrong, it is bigger than us. And so, I’ll keep spinning my wheels doing what I can to try to make a difference. 5 years is pretty weird though. If it hasn’t happened now, will it ever? We haven’t been given the closed door, and that makes it even more mysterious. If we knew what was wrong, we could move on from there. But we don’t. And that is the worst part.

I had a major meltdown last night. I saw some recent photos of myself and felt soooo fat and ugly. I don’t understand why I have been trying SO hard to workout hard and lose weight, but I have not. Maybe I have more stamina/strength, but I feel even bigger than I did before! It is so frustrating. I know I don’t eat the best, but I don’t want to have to count all my calories and resist enjoying good food. I just want to be free to enjoy life…

Then there is the issue of our house. Money is going to be quite tight for the next couple months without students. We just got more bills we weren’t aware of. Our credit cards are pretty high. And then there is my student loan I have to start paying off soon. It’s a lot to worry about. We had a talk about it last night. We love our house. But we bought this house with the intention of having a family in it. With just the two of us and a dog, it is too big. Too much waste (energy, heat, water). Too much space. Too much cleaning. We don’t like living with students, but it is a necessity to keep up this large house. We really like the house. We just thought things would be different… I guess that’s the key. There is so much we thought would be different…