Beta #1

PEOPLE.....

We have a beta!!!!!

Beta = 55

It's low (bringing back worries of repeating what happened last year all over again...), BUT, I am 99.9% positive that I didn't ovulate until 2-3 days after my IUI.... which means that today is only 11 or 12DPO.  55 seems like a fine number for that early in the game...right???  Please help me out here! 

Of course, I will have to wait 2-3 more days to test again to see if we have doublage or not...

And of course, I had to work late today and missed talking to my clinic about my results (I arranged to speak to them first thing in the morning... thank goodness for online results!)

I'm going for a walk to blow off some steam, but I'll write more soon.

Waiting out the two week wait

Can. Time. Move. Any. Slower. ????

I figured it's time I sat down and figured out a way to get through this next week and a bit.  It's great that I am already almost a week along, and only have 8 more days to go before testing day!  In the past, though, I have made myself lists of things to do during the 2ww in order to keep myself sane (see here for that list).  Nothing like a list to add some sanity to my life. 

We had a busy, busy weekend filled with lots of people events.  It was fun, but it has left me tired starting this week.  Part of me just wants to plow through the week, but I know that if I have some intentions, I will enjoy myself more and stress out less.  So this is what's in the plans (not just for this week, but for the next few weeks to get me through):

1.  Do you remember last year at this time, I hoped to host a Spring Tea Party for some of my girlfriends.  Then I had the whole pregnancy stress and miscarriage, so that got taken off the list.  Well, I have planned it again this year.  A friend actually sells tea and has these home parties, so I have organized a ladies dress-up event in a couple weekends.  I won't have to plan much, except a simple menu and decorations.  I'll keep you posted on that!

2. Planning my trip to Australia - I need to purchase my Visa, and make some final travel arrangements.  Then I need to figure out what I actually want to do while I'm there.  Have you been?  Any suggestions?  I'll be mainly in Sydney with a little weekend trip up to the Gold Coast or Sunshine Coast.

3.  Shopping!  I'm sure I need a few new outfits to take to Australia.  Plus I should go through my summer clothes to see what still fits and what I can take with me.  On that note, I need to have my suitcase repaired before I go too.

4. Spring cleaning!  My house isn't that dirty, but it's about time to tackle those jobs you never seem to want to do.  Pull out the fridge and stove and clean behind, clean out the fridge and oven, shine up those windows.  Plus, I'd really like to do a thorough purge of the house and organize closet spaces, etc.  I hate having so much stuff!  I'm not too good at purging though.  I told my BFF that if I am pregnant, she's coming over for a weekend to help me cull anything I don't need.  We are also having a new furnace put in in a couple of weeks, so that will give me a chance to re-organize the laundry room and tidy it up.  The other problem is getting rid of my husband's clutter...hmm...  (For a look at someone who is super crazy organized, with 5 kids... check out this blog.  It blows my mind!).

5. Plant some seeds in the garden!  This year I'm just going to plant them right outside rather than starting them inside and we'll see what happens.

6. Finish some sewing projects.  I need to finish the aprons I'm making for my sis-in-law and niece, and whip up a baby blanket for my new nephew, who is due in April.  I'm also recovering a cushion in the house.  Hope to get these done soon!

7. Plan a visit to Vancouver to see my BFF (and maybe do some shopping!).  This will definitely keep my insanity at bay.  I think I will plan it for after I get my results.  That way, we can either celebrate together, or mourn together with a bottle of wine. 

Wow, that is definitely a lot to keep me busy.  What's funny is that I looked over my post from last year when I was going through this same thing.  Not much has changed.  A lot of my intentions are exactly the same as they were a year ago.  In fact, our first IUI was less than a week away from this past IUI... March 1st.  How bizarre, how bizarre. 

(In other news... there are a few symptoms showing their face, which I believe I have seen before... maybe my mind is playing tricks on me... but it's helping keep me positive!  And this time I didn't have a trigger shot to blame the symptoms on.  It could just be hormones though too.)

Doing alright

I just wanted to follow that last post with a note that today things are much better!  There are still unresolved "issues" but we are doing okay and I hope that things will continue to get better.  I think that money is a big stress right now (and why DH is planning to buy a custom built guitar when we are in debt and trying to save and he is stressed I don't know... plus I only found that out by snooping on his email, I know, I'm so bad!).  Also DH told me yesterday that he doesn't know if he wants to continue on and do IUI again.  Well buddy, you have one week to change your mind!  AF is scheduled to come by soon and I want to be ready to go at it right away.  However, if he's not ready, I'm not too sure what I can do...

Overall I am feeling SO much better!  My moods and emotions have leveled out finally.  I think I have lost a ton of weight.  It might just be bloat from the pregnancy and drugs, but whatever it is, I feel WAY better about myself.  (I'm kind of dreading going back on the drugs in the future).  I have a tan too and that always helps you look/feel better.  We are eating healthy and I am exercising regularly again.  I have energy to get through most of the day (a few kicks of caffeine always help) and I'm finally feeling social again.  It is so nice to feel normal again!  


BTW, did anyone see that movie "Friends with Kids?"  We watched it last night and the preview made it look like it was a great movie for infertiles who have to put up with all the crap that people with kids display.  But I was pretty disappointed upon watching it.  There were some great, funny parts BUT the two friends friggin' decides to have sex with one another and share their baby 50%... AND THEY GET PREGNANT ON THE FIRST TRY!   It was supposed to kind draw attention to the fact that raising a baby IS hard, and those who think they can have it all (happy marriage, good kids, peaceful life)... can't.  Overall though, I was just quite offended by it all.  Any other thoughts?

First IUI

The deed has been done.  As of right now, there are 6 million little swimmers making their way to my soon-to-be-released eggs, all 4 of them!  Here's the scoop on how it happened (and it's quite a detailed account, for anyone who may be interested).

We got up this morning and had a nice leisurely drive to the city.  Once we got to the clinic, DH went in to give his sample while I took the dog for a walk and prayed, prayed, prayed like crazy!  I specifically prayed that he would be able to do what he had to, and that his little guys would be healthy and strong.  I took a picture of myself and texted him some support too!  It wasn't too long till he was out and we headed for some lunch.  He said it was awkward - it's just a small little room with a chair and a sink.  But he did it.  I was so proud of him.  This is WAY out of his comfort zone.  I know it's not comfortable for any guy, but my DH is especially sensitive about private matters like these (I think he blushes inside when I even say the word "sex").

After lunch we headed back in for the "fun" part.  DH came in with me and lay there waiting for the doctor.  This was the first time I felt nervous.  But the Dr. came in with some great news.  DH had given an awesome sample of 6 swimmers at 92% motility (after the wash)!  Woo hoo!  The Dr. said that it was really good.  He handed us the sample and made me check the name to make sure it matched up (haha, that was the best part).  He then wanted to check me to make sure everything was looking alright.  I had 4 eggs, but they had not been released yet.  And then it was time for the procedure (if you don't want to read all the gory details, you can skip the rest of the paragraph).  It was different than a normal U/S or Pap... definitely felt more invasive and uncomfortable.  First of all, whatever they put in first (to open me up, I assume?) felt warm, almost like a burning metal.  The Dr. made me cough to release some sort of pressure, or something.  Then he had to steady my cervix so he had to put some sort of device in, which pinched.  There was a feeling of cramping as this was all going on.  I think he then must have put the sample in because it felt like a cold liquid made its way up.  It was all a bit painful, more than any of the other procedures so far.  It may have just been that I was nervous and really had NO IDEA what to expect.  How do you mentally prepare for something like this?  Finally it was over.  It pinched as they took everything out, but that was it.  Done.

Since my eggs had not released, the Dr. wanted to give me a HCG shot to trigger the eggs.  He explained what I was to do next, and then left the room.  A nurse came in and gave me a shot in the belly (which stung, and still is tender).  Then we lay there for 15 minutes.  At this point both DH and I felt a surge of stress release.  Well, for me I was still feeling the effects of my anxiety, and got a bit shaky as I lay there.  DH just started to freak out about the possibility of having 4 BABIES!  This, in turn, freaked me out.  Eventually we put some music on our ipod and I tried to just relax.  Whew!

After that, I got dressed, we headed out to pay, and left.  That was it!  The Dr. said I would probably have some cramping today and tomorrow and that the shot might burn a little.  I was given a requisition for blood work in 2 weeks (two long weeks!).  We decided not to do much more and made a few quick stops and then started the 3-hour trek home.  I lay down most of the drive, just letting things "settle."  DH didn't want me to pee, haha, and I tried to hold it, but didn't last long.  I know it doesn't make a difference, but it still felt counter-intuitive.  I bought some grape juice, as I've heard that is good to help something with implantation (may be an old wives tale, but I'll try anything!).  Also picked up a pineapple on the way home.  It is supposed to contain bromelain, which helps stimulate the blood flow to the uterus.  Anything to help my lining develop is great!  And now I'm at home, in comfy pants, lying on the couch watching TV while a store-bought lasagna cooks in the oven.

I really can't believe it is done.  What a weird day.  Now, of course, I'm obsessing over statistics about amount of eggs, sperm count and IUI...  I don't have anything in my agenda tomorrow, except for a Downton Abby date with my friend.  I need to start a new knitting project.  That will be my saving grace over this 2WW.  Overall, I feel really hopeful about today.  Everything seemed to line up.  I know it's not too common for IUI to work on the first shot, but maybe we'll be lucky?  Oh I have so many thoughts in my head right now, but I should probably stop blogging and save some for later.  Thanks for listening and thanks for all the support!  Will keep you posted!!!

Feeling good

I don't have much to say except that I am feeling pretty good today.  Actually yesterday and today were both pretty good days.  It has been gross, gross weather here, like huge windstorms and tons of rain.  I was so looking forward to my yoga class!  It was a great class.  I love the instructor because she knows so much about the body and she keeps the class focused on what is good for your body.  She doesn't bring in a lot of the spiritual side, which I appreciate.  It really is just a good workout.  Yesterday I just felt really focused and centered during the class.  At the end, I felt so good!  I had wanted to use the steamroom/sauna but then I thought that maybe I should not while we are pursuing treatment.  I know that guys need to keep from overheating their fellows, but is it the same for ladies?

I came home feeling a bit elated, which I have not felt for a while.  DH and I cuddled up and watched some Downton Abby (I'm totally addicted to that show right now, I just love it!).  And today the sun is shinging and I'm still feeling pretty good.  Just waiting for the clomid crazy to kick in... I'll enjoy this feeling while it lasts.

I thought I was okay...

Today started as a wonderful day.  I woke up to fresh snow, took the dog for a walk/play at the park, had a nice up of coffee and spent some time cleaning the house.  Then I decided to pay P&J a visit, since DH was working and I didn't have much else to do.  Despite the fact that they now have a baby, J is still my closest friend here, and I was a bit lonely and needed a friend today.  It was a nice visit.  I had some baby snuggles, did some knitting and we had a nice chat.  I got home, though, and my world felt crushed.  I guess just being there this time it felt like everything was perfect.  He is so cute and perfect.  He does not cry too much (yet).  They have the feeding/sleeping thing down pat.  They are co-sleeping (something we have always wanted to do).  Their lives already have a nice rhythm.  I know things will change, and that it will not always be easy, and that they will have times where they want to pull out their hair.  I know all that.  J is also struggling (I think) with her emotions and maybe a bit of post-partum depression due to the c-section.  I just realized that I would do anything to have what they have right now.  Their current life IS my dream life.  It is what I imagined it being like.  And honestly, I AM SO JEALOUS!  Not jealous in a bad way, like I wish them any harm.  I just want what they have so badly.  And today it really hurts.

I came home and tried to make some plans with DH to do something fun and distract myself from the pain.  He is busy working on the sermon for Sunday and may not be free tonight.  And the thing is, I really don't have any other friends to hang out with.  At least none without kids.  Or ones that are more "takers" than givers.  And none that I can just call up on a whim to hang out with.  I feel so lonely today.

DH gave me a big hug, and I shed a few tears.  When, oh when will it be our turn?

I feel like I should be entering this IUI cycle with a bit more hope and optimism than I currently have.  But I'm not.  I feel like we're just going to throw away our money.  If it hasn't worked all this time, the chances are slim that it will now.  Unless maybe there's something that hasn't been found yet, and maybe IUI will bypass that obstacle and provide some unexpected success.  I feel like if it doesn't work on the first try, it probably won't work at all.  We'll cross that bridge when we get there.

The Year for US!

Happy New Year!  I have been meaning to post for the last day and a half, but I really don't feel like I have much to say (now watch as I ramble on and on...).  Our New Year's celebration was pretty low key.  We had a few friends over and one couple that stayed till midnight (as we were falling asleep on the couches by the fire with a movie on).  I was not so excited about the changing of the year.  On one hand, I am glad 2011 is over with.  I can't pinpoint exactly why, but 2011 may have been the hardest year for me in my life so far.  The year itself had a lot of fun moments as we really got settled in our new home and community.  But the struggle with IF really took its toll.  I think I really expected this to be the year we would have a child.  We came into the year with all the preliminary work and tests being done.  We met with our first RE and went to our first fertility clinic.  We even had our first IUI scheduled.  I turned 30.  I really, really, really hoped that by the end of this year I would at least be pregnant.  This is the first year that the passing of the year was significant in that way for me.  Other years have passed and my thought has been, "Oh well, it will happen next year..."  With all the effort and work we put in this year, it was hard to watch the year slip by while we were, ultimately, in the same place we started.  We went through some very low times and I think IF took its biggest toll on our marriage this year.  Still, we came out together and ended on a high note together. 

I hope 2012 is the year for us.  I know that everyone struggling with IF says that.  I am encouraged through reading blogs because most of the people that I follow have eventually found a way to have a child, specifically those with unexplained infertility like us.  If we had a known condition and it was very rare that we would ever conceive, I would have pursued adoption already by this point.  But the hope is still there.  People with IF get pregnant ALL THE TIME.  Sure, it may have to be assisted, but that's okay with me (well it's not really okay, but I'll make it be okay).

We are on our way to a healthier, happier year and for that I am glad.  DH actually preached about waiting on God's timing yesterday.  I cringe slightly when people say that because the people who usually say that are those who haven't had to significantly "wait" for something.  They say it in this spiritual voice, but they really have no idea what it means to actually wait for something.  I don't get God's timing.  I don't know why some people have babies so easily and others don't.  This is the part of God that I really don't get.  I do want to trust.  Sometimes it just seems so silly.

Anyways, to those of you who follow as IF friends, I wish you the very best 2012 and the fulfillment of all your heart's dreams.  I am excited for one of my first friends SLESE over at Mommyhood After Fertility Frustration with the birth of her miracle baby.  And to those of us who wait... let us wait with dignity and grace and may this be the year for us!

P.S. I was featured on the Creme de la Creme list of blogs over at Stirrup Queens blog.  Check it out here.

Vent sesh

Okay, so I am processing my feelings this morning so I apologize if this post is a little more vent-like than normal. DH and I had an appt. at the gynecologist today to review his last lab sample and take next steps. Turns out his sperm are fine. Everything was in the normal range. The only special note was regarding some infected skin tissue they found in the sample. It could be some kind of prostate infection. So, back to the doctor he goes for more testing to make sure everything is okay there. The doctor said that this should not be inhibiting his fertility, unless it is a bigger problem. We did get a prescription to start Clomid on my next cycle and try it for a few months. I also pushed to have him refer us to the Fertility Clinic in Victoria so we can get started on the waitlist. We will consider having an IUI if we don’t get pregnant between now and then. I figure it could be a few months before we even get into there. Hopefully my schedule allows us the time we need to make the trek there and back when the need arises (see, I’m thinking way too much ahead here already!).

Right now, I am just feeling mad. Plain old mad. I am mad that we have had to go through this thing at all. I am mad that my sweet DH has had to be subjected to these tests and the questioning of his manhood again and again (I know it doesn’t actually threaten his manhood, but he still feels the burn). I am mad that we can’t talk openly about what is going on because he is still dealing with the emotions of it all (not that I blame him at all, I just wish it were more acceptable of a topic to bring up). I am mad that there is no explanation or answer as to what is wrong. All we keep hearing is, “Everything looks normal.” If everything looks normal, then WHY have we not been able to conceive for five fucking years? And most of all I am mad at people telling us, “You’re still very young. You have lots of time!” We don’t have lots of time. I want to start my career. I just invested years of my life and thousands of dollars in a MA degree. I wanted to have kids and then start into the career… not start my career and then have to put it on hold for 5-10 years while I raise a kid (or more).

I guess the meeting wasn’t all that I expected it to be. I don’t know what I expected. Maybe I wanted them to tell us there was no chance of us having kids ever, and that way we could move on and be done with it. It’s kind of like the Canucks last night. We all really wanted them to win, but after it was over we just felt relieved that it was over and the verdict was done. No more time spent waiting, wondering if they could pull through or not. I feel like I am in a constant state of waiting, wanting to know what is going to happen. I’m just tired of it. At the same time, however, it’s good that there was no “bad news.” We still have a chance to have a little one of our own. The door is not closed completely. That should give me hope (though right now I don’t feel it). If it’s any consolation, DH said he was glad we went to the appointment (after fretting and dreading it so much). I’m proud of him.

So, now, again… we wait. And “keep trying.” I am thinking of going public with this blog soon. So far I have kept it private as a spot to air my own thoughts. But lately I have been following other blogs and find it so helpful to see the perspectives of other people going through the same thing. I would love to share my perspective and maybe find some more people to band with me in this journey. I think I’ll have to go through and maybe edit a few posts, get rid of names and stuff, and make sure I’m okay with anybody reading it. It’s quite scary, but I think it would be good for me. Lately I have just wanted to tell everybody what is going on, to get it out there in the open. And I think DH is even feeling ready to have some more support. The question is HOW? I’ve never even witnessed someone go through this to see how they handled it. I don’t know where to start.

Also, on a side note, I have recently been seriously considering the idea of adoption. We’ve been watching a show called “Modern Family” and there is a gay couple who adopts a little girl. I can’t say why (and this may sound funny), but I see DH and I as similar to the personalities/characters of the gay couple. And adoption seems to work very well for them. I know it’s fake and make believe… but for the first time it gave me the feeling of, “Yeah, we could do that.” So now, to wait for my other part (DH) to catch up! Hehe!