Scars

Now that I am starting to feel settled at home again, the emotions of the past three months are starting to surface.  You know how you can operate on adrenalin for a while and eventually your physical body crashes and catches up with you?  I feel like that is what happened with my emotions.

Looking back, I can say now that I had a difficult pregnancy.  The first trimester was great!  I wasn't that sick, we were so excited about the twins, and I even managed to enjoy a trip to Australia.  It was during the second trimester that things became tough.  I had read about the challenges and complications common in twin pregnancies, but I didn't expect to be affected so deeply by it all.  First was the bleeding, then came stopping work early (at 24 weeks), then came house bed rest, followed by more bleeding, and finally hospital bed rest (3 hours away from home) with more bleeding.  This continued right until the birth.  The birth, itself, was probably the "easiest" part of it all, but that was closely followed by quite a stay (21 days) in the NICU, in a different town than we live in.  All in all, I spent 10 weeks away from home, 7 of those on hospital bed rest.

I am trying to figure out exactly how I feel about it all.  It's not quite anger, but I do feel ripped off that after all our years of struggling, I wasn't able to enjoy a "blissful" pregnancy the way that other people do.  But really, that is a minor feeling.  I more so feel like this whole experience has changed me in an intangible way.  I do not feel like the same person I was 9 months ago.  I know that my experience with infertility will never leave me.  However, I had already resolved the impact that infertility had on me and come to peace with my identity.  Also, having babies allowed me to close a chapter in the book of infertility.  There are still scars there but they are not at the forefront any longer.  Now I feel I have a new wound from the trauma of the pregnancy experience.  Like infertility, it also is a wound that other people cannot see or understand.  Yet it has impacted me so deeply.  I don't know how or when it will heal.  I just feel like it has altered the core of who I am.

The main place I see this represented right now is in regard to my bond to my babies.  Some people talk about being instantly in love with their babies when they meet them.  Other people experience a bonding process that evolves over time.  I think I would classify myself in that latter category.  I know there is no doubt that I am filled with a greater love than ever before for these babies.  I have become a protective mama bear.  I would (and have!) sacrifice anything for them.  But I don't always feel the gushy, lovey-dovey feelings right now.  I think that is in direct relation to the emotional healing that I am going through.  Again, I feel ripped off by this.  I guess it's just my way of grieving and reaching a place of healing.  I get scared by the idea of post-partum depression, especially since I tick off a lot of the boxes for risk factors.  But I don't think I am depressed.  I just think my bond with these babies needs to evolve in its own way and time. 

It's not that I feel judged by others about this either.  I guess I just don't feel like anyone would really understand what I'm going through.  That's the best way I can describe it right now.  I write this post in case there is someone else out there who may be feeling similar, so that you can know you are not alone. 

Doing alright

I just wanted to follow that last post with a note that today things are much better!  There are still unresolved "issues" but we are doing okay and I hope that things will continue to get better.  I think that money is a big stress right now (and why DH is planning to buy a custom built guitar when we are in debt and trying to save and he is stressed I don't know... plus I only found that out by snooping on his email, I know, I'm so bad!).  Also DH told me yesterday that he doesn't know if he wants to continue on and do IUI again.  Well buddy, you have one week to change your mind!  AF is scheduled to come by soon and I want to be ready to go at it right away.  However, if he's not ready, I'm not too sure what I can do...

Overall I am feeling SO much better!  My moods and emotions have leveled out finally.  I think I have lost a ton of weight.  It might just be bloat from the pregnancy and drugs, but whatever it is, I feel WAY better about myself.  (I'm kind of dreading going back on the drugs in the future).  I have a tan too and that always helps you look/feel better.  We are eating healthy and I am exercising regularly again.  I have energy to get through most of the day (a few kicks of caffeine always help) and I'm finally feeling social again.  It is so nice to feel normal again!  


BTW, did anyone see that movie "Friends with Kids?"  We watched it last night and the preview made it look like it was a great movie for infertiles who have to put up with all the crap that people with kids display.  But I was pretty disappointed upon watching it.  There were some great, funny parts BUT the two friends friggin' decides to have sex with one another and share their baby 50%... AND THEY GET PREGNANT ON THE FIRST TRY!   It was supposed to kind draw attention to the fact that raising a baby IS hard, and those who think they can have it all (happy marriage, good kids, peaceful life)... can't.  Overall though, I was just quite offended by it all.  Any other thoughts?