Scars

Now that I am starting to feel settled at home again, the emotions of the past three months are starting to surface.  You know how you can operate on adrenalin for a while and eventually your physical body crashes and catches up with you?  I feel like that is what happened with my emotions.

Looking back, I can say now that I had a difficult pregnancy.  The first trimester was great!  I wasn't that sick, we were so excited about the twins, and I even managed to enjoy a trip to Australia.  It was during the second trimester that things became tough.  I had read about the challenges and complications common in twin pregnancies, but I didn't expect to be affected so deeply by it all.  First was the bleeding, then came stopping work early (at 24 weeks), then came house bed rest, followed by more bleeding, and finally hospital bed rest (3 hours away from home) with more bleeding.  This continued right until the birth.  The birth, itself, was probably the "easiest" part of it all, but that was closely followed by quite a stay (21 days) in the NICU, in a different town than we live in.  All in all, I spent 10 weeks away from home, 7 of those on hospital bed rest.

I am trying to figure out exactly how I feel about it all.  It's not quite anger, but I do feel ripped off that after all our years of struggling, I wasn't able to enjoy a "blissful" pregnancy the way that other people do.  But really, that is a minor feeling.  I more so feel like this whole experience has changed me in an intangible way.  I do not feel like the same person I was 9 months ago.  I know that my experience with infertility will never leave me.  However, I had already resolved the impact that infertility had on me and come to peace with my identity.  Also, having babies allowed me to close a chapter in the book of infertility.  There are still scars there but they are not at the forefront any longer.  Now I feel I have a new wound from the trauma of the pregnancy experience.  Like infertility, it also is a wound that other people cannot see or understand.  Yet it has impacted me so deeply.  I don't know how or when it will heal.  I just feel like it has altered the core of who I am.

The main place I see this represented right now is in regard to my bond to my babies.  Some people talk about being instantly in love with their babies when they meet them.  Other people experience a bonding process that evolves over time.  I think I would classify myself in that latter category.  I know there is no doubt that I am filled with a greater love than ever before for these babies.  I have become a protective mama bear.  I would (and have!) sacrifice anything for them.  But I don't always feel the gushy, lovey-dovey feelings right now.  I think that is in direct relation to the emotional healing that I am going through.  Again, I feel ripped off by this.  I guess it's just my way of grieving and reaching a place of healing.  I get scared by the idea of post-partum depression, especially since I tick off a lot of the boxes for risk factors.  But I don't think I am depressed.  I just think my bond with these babies needs to evolve in its own way and time. 

It's not that I feel judged by others about this either.  I guess I just don't feel like anyone would really understand what I'm going through.  That's the best way I can describe it right now.  I write this post in case there is someone else out there who may be feeling similar, so that you can know you are not alone. 

A Year

It was a year ago to the day that I started bleeding with the miscarriage from our first pregnancy.  One year ago.  I remember feeling angry, lost, hurt, hopeless, and not knowing where to turn. The year was filled with so many questions, such searching, hurt feelings, and more anger and bitterness as my husband and I tried to make sense of all we were going through.

A year later, and I am 13 weeks pregnant with twins.  I. Am. Pregnant.

I don't have answers to all the questions.  I still am working through the feelings of all we have gone through these past 6 years.  But what I do know, and what I want to share, is that there is always hope.  Even in the times that seem so dark, and when it seems like there is nowhere else to turn, hope is there.  You may need to borrow hope from someone else for a while, but it will come back.  It's like, as humans, we don't have an option but to choose hope.  We need hope in order to survive.  And at the end of the day, you never know what a year may bring.

Today I am celebrating.  I am home from Australia, on a mini-vacation with my husband, my dog, and my two little ragamuffins, cooking away inside of me.  Thank you Lord, for this special time.  May I treasure every moment.

Vent sesh

Okay, so I am processing my feelings this morning so I apologize if this post is a little more vent-like than normal. DH and I had an appt. at the gynecologist today to review his last lab sample and take next steps. Turns out his sperm are fine. Everything was in the normal range. The only special note was regarding some infected skin tissue they found in the sample. It could be some kind of prostate infection. So, back to the doctor he goes for more testing to make sure everything is okay there. The doctor said that this should not be inhibiting his fertility, unless it is a bigger problem. We did get a prescription to start Clomid on my next cycle and try it for a few months. I also pushed to have him refer us to the Fertility Clinic in Victoria so we can get started on the waitlist. We will consider having an IUI if we don’t get pregnant between now and then. I figure it could be a few months before we even get into there. Hopefully my schedule allows us the time we need to make the trek there and back when the need arises (see, I’m thinking way too much ahead here already!).

Right now, I am just feeling mad. Plain old mad. I am mad that we have had to go through this thing at all. I am mad that my sweet DH has had to be subjected to these tests and the questioning of his manhood again and again (I know it doesn’t actually threaten his manhood, but he still feels the burn). I am mad that we can’t talk openly about what is going on because he is still dealing with the emotions of it all (not that I blame him at all, I just wish it were more acceptable of a topic to bring up). I am mad that there is no explanation or answer as to what is wrong. All we keep hearing is, “Everything looks normal.” If everything looks normal, then WHY have we not been able to conceive for five fucking years? And most of all I am mad at people telling us, “You’re still very young. You have lots of time!” We don’t have lots of time. I want to start my career. I just invested years of my life and thousands of dollars in a MA degree. I wanted to have kids and then start into the career… not start my career and then have to put it on hold for 5-10 years while I raise a kid (or more).

I guess the meeting wasn’t all that I expected it to be. I don’t know what I expected. Maybe I wanted them to tell us there was no chance of us having kids ever, and that way we could move on and be done with it. It’s kind of like the Canucks last night. We all really wanted them to win, but after it was over we just felt relieved that it was over and the verdict was done. No more time spent waiting, wondering if they could pull through or not. I feel like I am in a constant state of waiting, wanting to know what is going to happen. I’m just tired of it. At the same time, however, it’s good that there was no “bad news.” We still have a chance to have a little one of our own. The door is not closed completely. That should give me hope (though right now I don’t feel it). If it’s any consolation, DH said he was glad we went to the appointment (after fretting and dreading it so much). I’m proud of him.

So, now, again… we wait. And “keep trying.” I am thinking of going public with this blog soon. So far I have kept it private as a spot to air my own thoughts. But lately I have been following other blogs and find it so helpful to see the perspectives of other people going through the same thing. I would love to share my perspective and maybe find some more people to band with me in this journey. I think I’ll have to go through and maybe edit a few posts, get rid of names and stuff, and make sure I’m okay with anybody reading it. It’s quite scary, but I think it would be good for me. Lately I have just wanted to tell everybody what is going on, to get it out there in the open. And I think DH is even feeling ready to have some more support. The question is HOW? I’ve never even witnessed someone go through this to see how they handled it. I don’t know where to start.

Also, on a side note, I have recently been seriously considering the idea of adoption. We’ve been watching a show called “Modern Family” and there is a gay couple who adopts a little girl. I can’t say why (and this may sound funny), but I see DH and I as similar to the personalities/characters of the gay couple. And adoption seems to work very well for them. I know it’s fake and make believe… but for the first time it gave me the feeling of, “Yeah, we could do that.” So now, to wait for my other part (DH) to catch up! Hehe!