TTC after Pregnancy after Infertility

I feel like I haven't blogged about anything "real" in a long time.  What I mean by "real" is my own personal thoughts and feelings.  Yet lately this blog land space has been on my mind.  I miss it.

I've also had a lot of thoughts regarding infertility on my mind again.  So here we go.

Is it just me, or are a lot of people in the blogosphere finding themselves suddenly pregnant after pregnancy after infertility?  Maybe it's just the friends who I follow on here, but it seems to be a common theme.  That, or the decision to TTC for a second time.  And that's where I find myself.  No, not pregnant, but trying to decide whether to TTC again.

Our boys are nearly 16 months old.  Which, if we suddenly found ourselves pregnant, would give us a new baby right after the twins enter their terrible twos.  Are we not CRAZY for even considering that?  But I can't help it!  The thought is suddenly consuming my mind.  And I'm trying to figure out why it all of a sudden is so important to me.

Part of my brain has this notion that I can "trick" my body into getting pregnant easily again if I just try right away.  I only recently got my period back (sort of), and maybe I can suddenly get pregnant before my body realizes it is infertile.  Does that sound crazy?  I know I have heard others who feel the same way.  And I have seen it work!  So in a way, I feel like the pressure is on and I need to get on this fast before I lose my chance...

It may also be that the boys are definitely NOT babies anymore.  We have full-on toddlers in the house.  Which is wonderful, and fun, and exciting, and exhausting!  But I miss my babies.  And I feel like I want to experience all those beautiful baby stages again... this time not in shock and not while recovering from a fairly traumatic pregnancy/birth experience.

That is part of it too.  I can't help but want a normal pregnancy/birth experience.  I definitely feel like carrying twins, plus being on bed rest, plus having tons of bleeding/pregnancy complications, plus the NICU, plus post-partum hemorrhage was NOT the normal experience.  It's not that I'm ungrateful for my experience, but I just wonder what it would be like to experience a pregnancy without all the complications... or has infertility and my trauma ruined me of that?

I also think that if we do have a third child, I want him/her to be close in age to the boys, so that he/she is not a third wheel and left out all the time.  I feel like a child closer in age would allow them to break out of their "twinship" and befriend the other sibling more.  I don't know if we would go for a fourth, so that may be all we have.

I don't even know for sure if we want a third child.  We are a pretty happy family as it is.  I just can't stop thinking of trying for another one...

There will be no surprises for a while, as I still have the IUD.  We jumped on the birth control wagon as soon as we could since we really didn't want a surprise right away.  The shock of parenting newborn twins just scared us too much!  I'm back on a waitlist to see my OB and have the IUD removed, so this isn't going to happen anytime too soon.  I'm really just trying to figure out if it is what I want.

Okay, I know it is what I want.  I'm just trying to figure out if the reasons for me wanting it are rational and  reasonable.

So there you have it.  Oh, and can I just say that infertility definitely has changed sex for us forever (or at least it seems so!).  Yes, there are still those spontaneous, fun, enjoyable times... but how bad is it that when I go to the bathroom and see some ripe CM sitting there, my first thought is, "WE NEED TO HAVE SEX RIGHT NOW!" before realizing that I'm on birth control and not even capable of getting pregnant.  Yet it was like an uncontrollable urge!  I'm pretty sure that's not exactly how sex was designed to be.

Flying solo...

I've been meaning and meaning to sit down and write, and it just seems the time slips away all too quickly these days.  Currently I made a coffee and sat down to write while the boys are napping, but they decided not to nap.  They are jumping on their beds and laughing and yelling, while I ignore them and try to get through my coffee since I clearly won't be taking a nap.

My husband is away right now.  For TWO LONG WEEKS!  He's all the way across the world in Cambodia, so we can't even keep touch very well.  And the time is creeping by so slowly...

I do have lots of help and couldn't do this otherwise, but it still is not the same as having your partner around.

Meanwhile the boys are keeping me busy and being full-on toddlers.  MJ is mostly walking all around everywhere.  RJ just started walking this past week and will catch on quick.  Sleep has been a bit horrendous since my husband left (and that is the hardest part!).  I think they just wanted dad the first few nights and were up all hours of the night.  Since then they're back to sleeping through the night, but they're in-between that 2-1 nap transition, which is a nightmare!  The whole one-nap-is-not-enough and two-naps-is-too-much!  When they do nap, it is usually in the morning but then they can't quite make it to bedtime (up from 10:30-6:30 is a lonnnng stretch).  I'll write a whole post on this down the road.  They are just super unpredictable and that makes it tough for me, as right now the nap time is my only "down" time.  The days are long and I am exhausted when they are over.  I had all these grand notions and plans of things to get done while hubby is away... organizing and cleaning.  But as soon as the boys are in bed, it's clean-up, prep for the morning, check my email and read for a few minutes before I am passed out and done for the day.  It is exhausting! 

But I am surviving and know I will make it.  Just 6 more sleeps to go...

Time for ME

Recently one of my friends from a baby group mentioned how a lot of us are starting to get our identities "back" after having kids.  And I suddenly realized that it is true.  The shock of having twins threw me for a loop and there was a while I thought I never would be myself again.  I still think that my definition of my "self" has changed dramatically since the twins were born.  However, since they turned a year old, I find life returning to "normal" in some ways.  Maybe it's because they sleep through the night and I feel quite rested most days.  Maybe it's because I'm not nursing any longer and there is a sense of independence again.  Maybe it's just a natural progression in having a baby. 

The thing that I have found, however, is that even though I have more time for myself, I really don't know what to DO with myself.  It's either that the activities that I used to do take too much time and I can't really get into them, OR I just don't want to do those things anymore.  I think I wrote before about how many of my hobbies were domestic activities.  Now I get to do those activities all the time, just not with the leisure attached.  It is a rush get-this-done-before-the-babies-wake-up kind of thing.  So it's not quite the same amount of enjoyment, even though I am feeling fulfilled in using those skills to provide for my family. 

In the meantime, I still do need time for myself.  So here are some of the things that I do these days to recharge and feel "normal" in the midst of a crazy life.

1. Exercise!  This is huge for me!  If I have the time to work up a real good sweat or be outdoors on a beautiful day it is a bonus.  But even when I don't, a 30 minute walk pushing the stroller is great to settle my thoughts and help me breathe easier for the day.  I love our family walks, which we try to do 1-2x per week.  We often Ergo the boys down the trails to the beach and back around our little town center, stopping for a treat along the way.  The dog loves it when we all walk together too!

2. Coffee and reading.  Most of my reading honestly is catching up on my social media sites and briefly checking blogs, though I do want to start reading books again, especially before bed.  It's just so daunting on where to begin.  I used to LOVE reading but I'm totally out of the loop and don't even know which authors I would like anymore.  If you have any suggestions, please let me know!  Oh, and this only happens when the babies are napping and I don't have other pressing matters to attend to.

3. TV night with my babe (the big one).  Hubby and I love to cuddle up a few nights a week and catch up on shows or maybe watch a movie if we're not too tired.  Before I was a parent I knew so many parents who never watched movies or TV anymore, but I find this is our lifeline!  Maybe it changes when the kids go to bed later, but right now we need it.  Some nights we are sooo spent and all we want to do is light a fire in the woodstove, grab some junk food and zone out to something that makes us laugh.  I actually think it has connected us as a couple, despite what it may seem like.

4. Coffee date out with a friend, sans kids!  Okay, this has only happened like one or two times, but it has been incredible when it did happen.  I want to find a way to make this happen more. 

5. Massage, hair appointments and the like.  I started having regular monthly massages as part of my self-care as a counsellor when I started working, and now I just keep it up since we have coverage for most of the year.  I just love those days!  I get regular haircuts at a hip salon that makes me feel young and fresh (hehe).  I would love, love, love to start acupuncture again at some point, but my acupuncturist has moved farther away and I don't know if I can afford the time for the drive and the appointment.  We'll see.  Especially if we do decide to TTC again...

I'd say that's a pretty good start right about now.  How about you?  What do you do to recharge?  

The end of nursing

It's a rare day that I actually have a chance to sit down and write a little bit.  I long to do so more often... but there are always other things that have to come first.  The boys are both napping, and I am sipping coffee rather than lying down for a catnap.  It's over a year since they've been born, and I still feel the need to nap every single day.  Even if it's just for 10 minutes... I have such a hard time getting through the day otherwise.  My days start at 6am and end at 10pm, so it feels like two back-to-back 8-hour shifts.  The midday closing of the eyes helps me make it through.  But it is also my only time "alone" so I want to start taking it back for myself, though some days sleep is the best thing I need. 

But that's all beside the point. 

The point is, we are officially done nursing.  And I feel so mixed about it.

On one hand, I am glad it went very smoothly.  I didn't really decide to be done, but we decided to try to cut out bottles more in the daytime, and switch the boys to sippy cups.  This encouraged them to drink more milk throughout the daytime.  I really was only nursing first thing in the morning.  But that nursing session got faster and faster, until they weren't really drinking at all and were only waiting for their cup of milk later on (and the cheerios that go with it).  So I experimented giving them a bottle or cup first thing in the morning, and all of a sudden... that's what they want.  There were a few days where RJ was waking up in the night when he was sick and I tried to nurse them, to help speed up his recovery.  But now, if I show them my breast, they just sort of examine it with a look like, "Yeah, I remember that thing" but they don't care to latch on anymore. 

And so I think we're done. 

It happened rather abruptly for me.  I stopped pumping on their first birthday, but I planned to keep nursing in the morning, and in the daytime or night if they were upset/hurt/in pain for a while longer...maybe until they were 2 years old.  I feel like, though, they saw the breast for nourishment, not as much for comfort.  And now that they are getting filled elsewhere, they just don't think they need it.  They are also busy little boys.  They don't want to stop playing to nurse.  No thank you mom!

I would do things differently if there were a next time.  I transitioned them pretty quickly to cow's milk, though now I realize I didn't really need to.   We started giving a bottle as part of the bedtime routine a long time ago, and I wish I would have kept that to be a special nursing time.  Also with sleep training, we stopped night nursing a long time ago.  But now I miss all those things.   All of my other friends with twins are done nursing too.  I just don't know if I was quite ready...

There is a part of me that feels like motherhood is about being physically connected to my babies.  For 8 months I carried them inside my body.  Then I birthed them out of my body.  Then for a whole year I sustained their life through my body.  It is such an incredible, bonding experience.  I guess I am now reframing my definition of motherhood as they (in a small way) detach from me.  It's a little bit sad.  

Those last few sessions nursing were very precious.  RJ had been sick and he cuddled and nursed for almost 20 minutes one time.  I won't ever forget those times of cuddles.  Overall, I am glad I had such a positive experience with nursing, even though it wasn't always easy.  I know I am lucky to have made it this far, and though it's sad, we are onto another chapter which will bring new joys. 

A day in the life of one year old twins

It's been a while since I've done a "day in the life of" blog post.  Now that the boys are one, I thought it would be neat to share what our (hectic) day looks like.  This is an example of a day that I am home with the boys alone.

6:00-7:00am - The boys usually wake up within this window (though last night we put them to bed at 7 and they slept through until 7:40am!!!).  I go into their room to greet them, and then take turns nursing them while the other one plays with toys in the room.  Oh, and the dog joins me to greet the boys first thing every morning.

7:00 - Cheerios and free play.  The first thing that RJ does when we leave the room is he goes to the kitchen and points at the cheerios cupboard and whines. Every. Single. Morning.  Haha, he is relentless when he wants something.  They each get a little cup of cheerios and we go into the living room (where they eat a few and shake most of the rest to the floor for the dog).  I set out a few toys, put on some music and they play while I get organized for the morning.  I put on the kettle (for tea, then for coffee), empty the dishwasher, make breakfast, try to make some snacks for the day, and currently boil water (we're on a boil water advisory so all our drinking water has to be boiled).

7:30/8:00 - We eat breakfast together.  Breakfast normally is a bowl of oatmeal, a shared piece of toast, and some bananna.  On days when we have more time we do pancakes, french toast or eggs.

8:00 - Playtime, get dressed, change diapers, and wake up dad (by jumping on him in bed, of course)

8:30/9:00 - By 9:00 the boys are down for their first nap, and usually sleep at least an hour, maybe an hour and a half.  This nap usually isn't a problem and they like to cuddle back in bed (so would I).  This is my time to get myself organized for the day, so I shower, clean up breakfast, start any laundry for the day and pack up our bag for the day.

10:30 - Once the boys are up, they get a bottle of milk (about 200mLs).  We are working to transition them to sippy cups, but they still love their bottles.  We change diapers and then usually try to head out to do something before lunch (baby group, StrongStart, groceries, or play at the park).  If we don't go out here it makes the day a little long.

12:00 - We aim to come home for lunch by this time and the boys have lunch, play around a little, and then go down for 2nd nap.  Lunch typically is sandwich, or crackers with hummus, cheese, veggies, and apple or orange.

1:00/1:30 - Naptime.  I usually take a little break here and try to close my eyes for a few minutes at least, but this is also the best time if I need to do any work (emails, phone calls) or prepare dinner.

3:00 - Boys are up and have another bottle of milk (200mls).  There are not usually too many activities for one-year olds in the afternoon, so this is where we try to be creative.  It's quite a long stretch between now and naptime, so I try to break it up.  If it's not pouring rain, we usually go out for a good walk during this time.  If it is, we sometimes have someone over, or I have baby help to play with the boys while I do other household chores.  Or we go for a drive and go shopping.  Their dad usually comes home during this time and joins in the fun.

5:00 - Home for dinner.  The boys still eat dinner really early so we don't eat all together, which is something I am looking forward to.  They eat much better when we are eating too, but there is just no way I am organized or hungry for our dinner by 5pm.  Dinner is usually leftovers from whatever we ate the night before if the boys can eat it.  They're a bit more picky right now, but they still like baby mush (jar food), pasta, sometimes squash and sweet potato.  Finding ways to serve them meat is the challenge.  I hope they soon start to feed themselves too...

5:30/6:00 - After dinner they have their final playtime.  These last few hours are the "crazy hours" where they are active, needy, whiny, and just need to burn off energy!  A few times we have gone to the park, but since it's fall now, it's usually too dark/wet.  All the toys get played with and thrown around until finally it's time to get ready for bed.

6:00/6:30 - Bedtime routine - We only bath them every second night (though they LOVE their bath).  Bedtime routine is bath, diaper, PJs, bottle (180mLs formula), story, sleepsac, soother, and bed.  They usually go down no problem!  Depending on how their last nap went, they usually are asleep by 6:30/7:00.  And we are exhausted!!!

But it's not over yet.... I like to do a quick tidy once we put them down so at least the toys are put away.  Then we finally eat our dinner.  Then it's time to do final dishes cleanup, sweep and mop the floors (they get so dirty every single day from these boys now), prepare food for the next day (usually just planning and pulling out meat), finish drying/folding laundry (it never gets put away on time) and get ready to start all over again in the morning.  That usually takes me till 8:30/9:00 when I finally put on the kettle for a cup of tea to enjoy, check my email, and cuddle up to watch some TV.  I try to be in bed by 10pm, just in case there are night wakings or an early start.

And that's about it.

As you can see, it is so busy just managing the day-to-day that I still find it tricky to fit in any "extra" chores/jobs/activities.  That is something I really want to focus on especially as we come to the new year.  I find that all day I am planning and preparing for what is next, but I'd like to be able to just breathe a little bit more and live in the moment.  Now that I have started work, there is a whole new dynamic (that I'll write about on a different day).  But I do enjoy it all.  I love doing all the tasks that keep my family running.  I'm still learning how to adjust to this as my "new normal" but I think we're doing a pretty good job at managing so far.

Thoughts?  Any suggestions or stories to share about how your day looks?

Leaving baby time

The twins' first birthday is right around the corner (4 days, to be exact!).  Before it passes, I thought I'd take a moment to sit and gather my thoughts about it all.

Tonight is a lovely night.  It's 8pm, the boys are in bed, all the chores are done (besides folding laundry), and I'm sipping tea in a house to myself after a busy Thanksgiving weekend.  This morning I hired a housecleaner for the first time to deep clean my kitchen.  Then, this afternoon a family friend sent her daughter over to be a "mother's helper" and play with the kids while I cooked (turkey leftovers!).  My hubby fed the boys dinner while I escaped for a run.  Then we put them to bed and that was it.  It actually felt way too easy.  And then it got me thinking...

This entire year has been a marathon every single day.  I know that life with kids is busy, but I think that life with infant twins is a type of busy you just can't explain.  All day today I found myself thinking, "what should I be DOING right now."  Because, really, there is not ever a single moment to yourself.  Even when you have down time, your mind is full of a list of all the things that still need to be done.  Always.

I think that this IS parenthood, but I also think that life adapts and adjusts so that it doesn't feel quite as frantic as the first year (or it just changes to a different kind of frantic).  Luckily, I enjoy being busy.  But just having one day that was "easy" made me realize how busy I really have been.  It's probably a good thing for me to start to slow down a little if I can.

The boys are starting to change more rapidly every day.  It's not their physical appearance as much, but their personalities and capabilities.  It is incredible to watch.

Also, it terrifies me.

For years, we longed and longed to hold a baby in our arms.  Though "family" was the long-term focus, the immediate attention was on getting pregnant and having a baby.  Then that was achieved. All this year we have lived in that dream, taking care of two miracle babies.  And now they are nearly "not" babies anymore.  A year changes that.  And I really haven't planned or prepared for what is ahead.

I know we will figure out our role and place as we need to, but I feel this urge to make time stop and just "be" in the time we are in right now.  People say the first year goes so fast.  For me, it didn't.  It was hard work.  Every day I achieved was a celebration.  Every milestone a recognition that we were moving ahead.  When I think about the twins turning one, of course I am happy.  But there is also a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Is this baby time really almost over?  (I know they're still technically "babies" for a while, but toddlerhood is more on the horizon and the one year marker makes me very aware of this).

Despite what we have to celebrate now, I am still struck by the pangs of infertility pain at unexpected times.  Somehow, leaving baby time makes me feel like I should have that all resolved.  But I don't.

It's not that the first year went too fast... it's just that I don't know if I'm ready for what's ahead.

But, ready or not, here we go.

I'll let you know how it goes ;)

Sick babies

My babes are sick for the first real time, since being young (and having stuffy noses).  This week has been full on coughing, sneezing, snotty noses, needy, clingy, not wanting to eat, not wanting to sleep...the list goes on.  It's been a week of 5:30am wakings, 30 minute naps, and nap protests.  This mama is tiiiired!  There's been little downtime, and now hubby and I are sick too.  I keep expecting life to get easier, but then things like this come along, and show me again how little control I have in a world of babies.

But, amongst it all, there was a glimmer of light.  My little MJ learned to say "mama" finally.  Sure, he follows me around ALL day like a little puppy pulling on my pant legs and saying "mama, mama."  Sure he cried when I left and didn't let dad put him down for nap because he only wanted mama.  Sure he wants to be picked up a million times a day and my arms and back are killing me.  But I have a sweet little boy who truly loves his mama. 

Being a mom

I don't know who reads this blog much anymore.  If there is anyone reading who is still in the TTC trenches.  If there is, this may be a post you want to skip... maybe. :)

Giving birth to children and becoming a mother are life changing events... there is no doubt about it. As I have written about before, for me, the transition was not seamless, despite the incredible love I have for my children.  I struggled (and still do) to make sense of my new identity, to reconcile the hurt and pain from years in the trenches, and to adapt to my new role.  And now, nearly a year in, I find that role changing once again.

My boys are no longer completely dependent little babies.  Yes, they still are little.  They still are babies.  And they still depend on me.  But now entirely like they did when they were one month old. They are branching out in their little world, discovering what it means to be apart from "mom" for a period of time, and learning things like how to move, to communicate, and to eat on their own.  This transformation is truly incredible.

As I wrote about in this post, I, too, am branching out, back to the life that was put on hold when these little beings entered my life.  And just as they face separation anxiety being away from me, so I face anxiety being away from them and trying to find my way in a land that is familiar and yet so different.

So much changes in one year with children.

I am not the same counsellor who left my job a year ago.

I am not the same friend I was before I had children.

I am not the same wife who lived childless with my husband for 8 years before these boys entered our lives.

I think it is only natural to feel anxious.

I haven't yet figured out how to really enjoy life "on my own" again.  My best (and hardest) moments are when I am with my children.

I. Love. Being. Their. Mom. SOOOOO. Much.

It's all I really want to do right now.

I anticipate the milestone next month with a bit of trepidation.  In some ways, I want things to stay exactly as they are right now forever.  I know that can't be.

But I just want to hold on a little longer.  I'm not quite ready to move ahead just yet.

Summer luvin

Guys, can I tell you how much I just LOVE my life right now?

This summer is soooooo much fun!  Seriously.  It is super hard work, and having twin 8-(almost 9) month-olds has kept me busy.  There are moments of monotony and frustration, and frantic effort, but I really am really, really loving my life.  It is soooo different in so many ways, but it is starting to feel like "my" life again.  What "my" life means has changed so much in definition, but I can finally say that I am starting to feel like a normal human being again.

I still don't get a lot of time to myself, and when I do, I barely know what to do with myself.  By the time I get organized and start to do something, my time is up!  So, I usually just putter around the house, looking for ways to get more organized, or nap.  This means, though, that the summer has been super low key.  Just the way it should be!  I finally have moments where I don't feel like I "need" to be doing something.  I can just sit and BE and enjoy the moment.  Of course, this is still mixed with many frantic moments trying to finish so many things in the short time I have, but I love the challenge and it makes those relaxed moments so much more worth it.  

I usually plan one "outing" for the day, whether it be a play date, or a shopping trip, or just a stroll by the ocean.  We have a pretty strict routine, which I love and the babies thrive on.  Lately everyone has commented on how good my boys are!  I think I really am just lucky... and it could all change next week... but for now, I will savour it.

I love providing a clean, healthy, well-functioning home for my family.  All the things I used to like to do for fun (garden, organize, bake, sew), now serve a very specific purpose, and I love it!  Life is not as leisurely as it used to be (hah!), but it is filled with many of the same things, just in different ways.  We are getting braver in taking the boys out.  We went to a restaurant with friends for lunch.  We've gone picnicking.  We took them to the beach, for a hike, to the river, and of course, the pool in the backyard.  We put them down early and have the evening to ourselves to go to the gym, or for a walk, or plunk in front of the TV and zone out (I have a slight addiction to the Walking Dead right now).

Life. Is. Good.

And here are a few pictures to show how great our summer is (babies tell it best...babies without clothes, even better)

Twins 8-9 Month Update

Well, I guess you can tell when twin life gets busy again based on twin mamas start to fall off the blogosphere again.  That and the fact that it's summer means not much time for blogging.  However, I finally did my last month's update decided to lump it together with this month's.  So here is the scoop on the boys' 7 and 8 months of living:

Eat

These months have seen a huge shift in the boys’ eating patterns.  First off, RJ is nursing much better!  Whenever he is put to breast he will eat (unless he is full), but I am still pumping for two bottles and nursing him just for two feeds.  I guess I am still holding onto doubt that he will eat as much as he needs.  Though when it comes to solid food, I don’t have to worry.  This boy loves to eat!  We started Baby-Led Weaning (BLW) and he has eaten everything we give him.  He LOVES food.  Basically he will sit in a highchair as long as we allow him and eat continually until we stop giving him food.  He loves to feed himself.  MJ started a bit slower, but now he eats just as heartily.  The boys have eaten all sorts of foods: bananna, avocado, sweet potato, toast, peach, pear, squash, chicken, beef, pork, lamb...and that’s all just what they have fed themselves.  We also do some pureed food but it is time consuming and BLW works well for us.  We have tried to cut down a milk feed, so now they have 4 main feeds, with a little snack or two of milk and they eat 2-3 solid food meals a day (lunch is usually just a snack).  We haven’t had them weighed since their last set of shots (which in adjusted age was just at the start of 7 months), but RJ weighed about 16 1/2 lbs... and MJ weighed 18 1/2 (bruiser!). We are not worried about them any longer (little porkers).  I really think RJ just likes to do things himself and is much happier eating a variety of foods.  RJ is wearing some 6-9 month clothing, and more 9-12 month, and MJ wears 9-12 or 12-18.  He is huge!  Both are in size 4 diapers.  

Sleep

Sleep has improved so much that we can finally say the boys are sleeping through the night.  Wahoo!  Party time!!!  They still wake occasionally, but they have slept through for many nights.  Sometimes when they do wake they are able to self-settle too.  Teething threw that for a bit of a loop, but all in all they are doing very well.  Naps have settled into a nice routine too.  They go down at 9 for an hour to an hour and a half, and then again at 1:00 for and hour and a half to two hours.  If they haven’t napped well sometimes they will sneak in a third nap, but usually just an early bedtime.  They go to bed between 6:30-7:00pm (which gives us a nice evening to ourselves).  I am soooo glad we used a sleep consultant and developed some great sleep habits right away.  They still use soothers, which we’d like to get rid of, but it’s tough.  

Play

Again, it has been a fun time for play.  These boys are such characters!  I love seeing their personalities develop more and more as time goes on.  At about 8 months they started sitting up on their own, and from there things quickly happened.  MJ has been moving to the crawling position and then back to a sitting position all on his own.  He rocks back and forth in the crawling position but only moved backwards until today (July 13th).  Today MJ officially crawled!  And it was a real crawl.  We were so proud.  RJ is also on the move!  He doesn’t do a traditional crawl, but uses one side of his body to pull himself forward.  He is now just starting to try the crawl position a bit too.  We spend a lot of the day just playing on the floor and the rest of the time it feels like they are eating haha.  We try to get out once a day, either for a walk, or to the park, or to a group.  The boys haven’t really started interacting with other children, but are slowly starting to “play” with one another.  RJ loves to be outdoors looking at trees and MJ seems to like noises like trucks and airplanes.  RJ is still very vocal and knows what he wants and doesn’t want.  He is quite silly and giggles a lot.  He also has become quite the flirt, particularly amongst ladies.  He still is extremely responsive to music and wants to jump and dance and sing.  MJ is less vocal, apart from using the back of his throat for a very guttural sound but sometimes laughs and likes to sing during church.  He is a charmer when he smiles and just has such a sweet disposition.

Events

A HUGE milestone for the boys was finally the development of teeth!  While we were away on holidays, the boys both popped out two each!  And they got their first tooth on the very same day.  Our summer vacation was the biggest event during this period.  We took a trip to Harrison Hot Springs for a friend’s wedding and then carried on to Kelowna for nearly 2 weeks with D’s parents.  The boys did fantastic with all the travel and new scenery.  They slept great in their travel cots, did awesome during the driving, and adapted well to being in a new home.  We tried to keep their schedule pretty consistent and it really worked.  They had a great time with D’s parents (especially his dad).  We also celebrated their first Father’s Day with taking them out to brunch (which was more work than it was worth it with just the two of us handling two babies).   We also took the boys for their first “swim” outdoors, but they just cried at the waves and the cold water in the lake.  We tried a river too, but they just weren’t into it.  I guess we should start with a warm kiddie pool and see how that goes.  We continue to meet with the moms from our preemie group and take the boys to church.  It will be great once they are moving around in the fall and we can take them to more “active” groups of kids.  For now, we’ll sit back and enjoy this summer as much as we can!  

Feeding Machine

Okay mamas, here's a callout for some help.

Just when I thought we had reached a nice stride and things were relatively "easy," things change.  That seems to be the way with twins.  You can never get comfortable for too long. 

We are in the process of dropping the third catnap, moving to two naps a day AND starting solids three times a day.  The boys are still nursing/bottle feeding at LEAST 5x per day (more like 7 most days).  Nursing/pumping/bottle feeding can take 30-45 minutes.  Feeding solids can take 30-60 minutes, depending on how long I let them sitting there feeding themselves.  I haven't done the actual math, but that is a LOT of time spent feeding babies! 

From the friends I have spoken to, they tend to only nurse 4-5x a day since switching over to solids.  Has that been your experience?  I'm excited for this new transition, but nervous too.  There are always hiccups with transitions.  Does anyone have any advice?  What kind of schedule did you have for your babies around 8 months?

As for sleeping, it is going great!!!  I do think we are ready to drop the third nap, since the boys have lately been sleeping so well for the first two naps (on most days - I don't want to say so and jinx it).   The first nap is usually an hour and a half around 9:00.  The second nap is  1 1/2-2 hours, though we have often had to wake them up from this nap to keep them on "schedule" for a third nap.  It may take them a while to adjust and lengthen out these naps even more as we drop the third nap.  On days they don't nap well we can throw that third nap in there, or if we need to be out later into the evening.  The downside is that for a while this will mean early bedtimes (probably 6/6:30).  I remember seeing other moms go through this stage and it sucks (especially in the summer), but eventually it will lengthen out to later.  And once the schedule is established, we should be able to tweak it here and there for special events.

All in all, we have great sleepers and eaters, and the work we have done has paid off!  Now, I just need to figure out how to adjust myself to this new routine (more on that later).

Twins 7 Month Update

This must be where twin life suddenly gets busy again!  I'm nearly 2 weeks late, but here is the 7-month update for the boys. 

Eat

This was a fun month for food!  We started introducing solids to the boys.  So far we have tried banana, apple, sweet potato, and carrot.  Next we will try some meats.  RJ LOVES eating.  We have tried baby-led weaning and he is totally into feeding himself.  He has great fine motor skills and is able to bring the food to his mouth himself.  He especially loves bananna.  MJ can’t quite manage to get the food to his mouth so we help him out, but he is good at “chewing” and so proud of himself for eating.  MJ is still nursing like a champ, though he feeds pretty quickly now (about 10 minutes).  He is also starting to go to the breast for comfort when we are in a new place.  It is cute.  RJ mainly bottle feeds, but he will take the breast sometimes just before or after a nap, but not for long (5 mins max.).  So I still pump him bottles (though my supply seems to be decreasing a bit so I hope I can keep it up).  We currently do 5 milk feeds a day, and 2 solid feeds.  Sometimes there is a night feed, but for the most part that has been dropped.  We haven’t weighed them for a few weeks so I don’t have an update to give there.  

Sleep

We JUST made the switch to dropping the night feed!  It hasn’t quite materialized to us getting more sleep quite yet because they still wake up a few times and we are teaching them to self-soothe (which takes longer for them to get back to sleep).  I pump once a night too, in order to keep up supply.  I know it is a great step for the future, but is a little bittersweet.  I do love those precious night-time cuddles.  With the amount of time we spent up with them at night, it is sad to say goodbye to that era.  That said, I am so excited about the prospect of more sleep (soon!).  The boys sleep for nearly 12 hours.  Naps are still hit and miss but they are starting to improve.  I can definitely count on one nap that is 1 1/2 to 2 hours long, and another for 45 mins to an hour.  

Play

It has been so neat to watch the boys grow in their physical development this month.  They have learned to roll from back to front AND front to back.  MJ does it all the time, but RJ is still just experimenting.  They are so close to sitting up on their own too.  They will roll themselves and squirm around to try to reach toys.  They put everything in their mouths.  They have a special fascination with tags on clothing and toys.  RJ loves to watch the trees and the sky when we are outside.  They both enjoy music.  RJ “dances” and sings to music videos that Dan shows him.  MJ sings along at church.  They love being at the nursery at church and “playing” with the other kids.  RJ is a bit more cautious of new environments and takes a while to warm up, but MJ smiles and interacts with new people right away.  RJ is quite talkative and even talks himself to sleep.  MJ is quieter but talks most in the morning and sometimes as he is putting himself to sleep.  RJ loves to stand and jump. He likes to play in the exersaucer.  He likes to be tickled.  MJ has started to play with my hair and grab at my face.  He loves being thrown in the air and “flying.”  They are super smiley and giggly and such fun to interact with.  

Events

Our biggest event this month was a visit from halmaoni and halabaji (the Korean names for grandma and grandpa - my husband’s parents).  They brought presents for the boys and the boys had a great time being fed by them, reading stories, and playing on the floor together.  Halmaoni took videos the whole time.  They were obviously smitten!  This month was also Mother’s Day.  During the visit, we went out for lunch with halmaoni and my mom with the boys.  They were awake and well-behaved for the entire meal!  Our own Mother’s Day was low key.  We had church in the morning (it was a potluck Table Sunday) and had the evening off to spend as a family.  I had requested that we do a hike, so on Monday we walked with the boys at Seal Bay (the ocean).  Other than that, it was pretty normal.  The month really just flew by!  I can’t believe we are past the half-way-to-a-year mark.  Stop growing up so fast boys!

Twins 6-Month Update

Well, it's late, but here is my 6-month update, for those who are interested in following the lives of our twin boys.  I think everyone says this at this point, but I can't believe we are halfway through the year already!  Each month keeps getting better and better.  I sure do love these boys.

Eat

Eating actually improved this month.  After coming to terms with RJ’s eating difficulties, I started pumping and feeding him more bottles and just nursing MJ.  RJ became a champ at eating and grew a ton!  By his six month weigh-in, he was up to 15lb,3oz.  MJ continued to grow consistently as well and is a whopping 17lb, 14oz.  This definitely puts him in the 50th percentile now.  RJ also decided to come back to the breast for comfort nursing and nursing in the night.  He even did a few small feeds when we were out and about.  Hopefully this is another step forward.  A big event this month was also cutting out one of the nighttime feeds!  It is not completely consistent, but it is well on the way.  We also introduced a little bit of rice cereal before bed.  This may be the reason the nights are better.  And the boys love it!  All month they would watch me eat and move their mouths imitating me.  So when we tried cereal they were ready to go.  RJ actually took to it faster than MJ, who was a bit skeptical of this food that wasn’t quite mama’s milk, but he soon caught on too.  We feed about 2 Tbsp around dinner time before their bedtime bottle.  MJ is a fast eater and finishes the breast in about 10-15 minutes.  RJ drinks anywhere between 120-160mL from the bottle depending on how hungry he is. 

Sleep

As I mentioned, we worked down to one feed per night after we sorted out our daytime schedule.  We have a pretty consistent schedule going of two big naps (9am and 12pm) that last an hour to an hour and a half, and then a catnap before dinner.  Creating this consistency has also helped the nights go smoother.  We generally try to put the boys down by 6:45/7:00 and hold them off till 2am for a feed, and then have them sleep through till 7am (though it is often 6:30 where they really get going).  I am still pumping during the night once and sleep is a bit broken up because they don’t sleep steadily, but it is a step in the right direction.  

Play

This month was eventful for play.  The boys are so much more interactive and it was great to hang out with them and do new things.  The big thing they learned this month was rolling over!  Well, sort of learned it.  They can easily roll to their bellies, but have not mastered rolling back again.  This was fine for daytime play, but still causes some issues at night if they roll to their belly and want to get back but can’t.  MJ started sleeping on his belly but RJ panics and cries when he ends up on his belly.  They also mastered bringing objects to their mouths (and they eat everything now!), starting at their hands, and are starting to grab at their feet.  Their language has not really progressed.  MJ became a bit quieter as RJ became more talkative this month.  They both like to “sing” to music (and RJ tends to tap his feet to the beat).   They also are starting to raise their hands to be lifted “up” when they are tired of being on the ground.  They notice when we leave or enter the room and especially love to hear daddy’s voice (they stop whatever they are doing - eating, playing, etc. as soon as he speaks).  They are a  lot of fun!

Events

We did not do any major events this month, but got into a routine of taking the boys for a daily family walk at the end of the day.  They are starting to stay awake more during walks and enjoy the fresh air and looking at the trees and sky.  We enjoy the special time as a family walking down by the beach, and into town for a coffee.  We purchased a Bob double stroller and I am excited to start taking the boys for runs soon too.  Oh, we also started to attend a “Mother Goose” program at the rec center.  It is an hour of singing and nursery rhymes for babies.  It is a lot of stimulation but the boys enjoy the music a lot. 

Twins Routine

So this post is not so much about our actual routine with twins, but about all the "extras" they don't tell you about when you have babies.  We finally have a pretty good schedule in place, so much so that I am starting to have a bit of free time (what?!?!?).  Still, at any given moment in the day, it feels like there are always tasks waiting to be done.  I have to choose to take time for myself instead of doing the tasks; or else I would never have a moment's peace.  Babies are so much work!  And when I do take time for myself, the tasks are still waiting to be done at the end of the day.  Fortunately, they have become such a part of our routine that we whiz through them and can usually find time to wind down and cuddle up on the couch with a book or TV show before bed. 

For interest's sake (if anyone cares), I thought I'd share what all these extras are that fill the time we are not interacting with the twins.  Oh, and on a side note, I realized that the reason twins are so exhausting is not just all the extra work (I'm used to that), but it is the constant interaction.  I am a true introvert at heart and all day long I am talking/singing/playing with TWO little beings.  That wears me down!  At the end of the day I look forward to the quiet time to clean up, gather my thoughts, and enjoy a cup of tea in silence.  But I do love them to bits!

So, once the kids are in bed, here is what we are doing:
- Clean up bath/towels/clothes
- Put away dinner dishes (or finish cooking/eating dinner if we haven't made it to that yet)
- Clean up toys in the play area (it's nice to have a "grown up" looking home before bed)
- Washing and sanitizing bottles from the day, then putting them back together and putting them away
- Pumping milk for the night feed that my hubby does
- Usually throwing in a load of cloth diapers (I do this every 2 days or so)
- Folding any laundry from the day and *trying* to put it away
- Stuffing cloth diapers to prepare for the next day, as well as refilling diaper baskets for the night/morning
- Finishing any other chores that were started during the day and not finished (cleaning bathroom, mopping floors, etc.)
- Pulling out/prepping any food for meals for the next day
- Finally sitting down with a snack (chocolate) and a cup of tea, celebrating that we made it through another day with twins!

During the day, while the boys are napping, or if they are actually content playing on their own, I am usually making/eating food, cleaning up dishes, prepping bottles, pumping, getting myself showered/ready, putting in laundry, sorting clothes (they grow through things so quickly!) and trying to get to any chores I can.  So you can see why I am kept busy! 

My Anxieties

I have appreciated when others have shared their struggles through the transition to new parenthood.  Lately I have found myself struggling in unexpected ways and need an outlet for some of my thoughts. 

I was surprised that I was not struck by the "baby blues" after the twins were born.  Looking back now, I see that I was in almost a shock-like state of survival, that I don't think I had time to be depressed.  It is only in the last little while that I finally have begun to process the events surrounding the twins' birth (bed rest, pregnancy complications, NICU).  While the end result was incredible, I have come to realize that a lot of my experience was traumatic.  From time to time, I find myself reliving moments of those months and playing them over and over in my mind as I reflect and try to make sense of my emotions.

While I have not been affected by a huge depression, I have lately been experiencing bouts of anxiety to an extent that I never have felt before.  I expected to be a protective mama bear, but that isn't even the type of anxiety I feel.  I don't worry too much about the boys being hurt, or getting sick, or those types of concerns that are typical of new parents.  What I worry about is the boys' development, whether they are meeting milestones, how their brains are forming, and how I can them from any sense of trauma or unhappiness in their lives.  I know this is an unrealistic expectation.  I can't shelter them from anything bad happening... but I so wish I could!  I think that since I work in the mental health field, and see a lot of kids who experienced abuse/neglect/emotional trauma and/or who have varying degrees of disorders, I have a heightened awareness of how situations can affect children.  On a daily basis I worry that one baby's crying is going to traumatize the other baby!  In reality, though, all babies cry! 

I also experience anxiety about how our lives have changed.  I know I can't go back (nor would I want to), but I have a tough time adapting to change, and this has been the HUGEST change I could ever have imagined.  There are times when I just cannot cope with how different life is, and all I want to do is ignore the babies and wash my floors and put my house back together the way I used to when I had two free arms and lots of free time.  I get flustered when I have tasks that I can't complete.  I always used to complete all my tasks... and more.  I used to keep my body in shape by exercising.  I made sleep a priority because it is so important for my emotional well-being.  All of these things are now out of my control.  And when I am not in control - I become anxious.

I get anxious about the lack of sleep.  Sleep has always been incredibly important to me, and I am the type of person who goes to bed at the same time each night, and rises early ready to go. I underestimated how much of an effect the sleep deprivation would have on me.  Some nights I go to bed in fear and trepidation, wondering when the babies will wake and worrying about how little sleep I will get.  That keeps me awake and makes me more anxious... it's a vicious circle.

Most days I can manage, but on particularly tired days, or when stressful situations arise, or when the boys cry too much - the anxiety takes over.

I spoke to my doctor about it the other day.  I don't think I need to be on a medication completely right now.  She suggested I explore some naturopathic remedies, but also gave me a prescription for an extremely low dose of adivan to take on an as-needed basis if I feel like I really need it.  It gave me a sigh of relief.  Since my normal coping mechanisms have been taken away (sleep, exercise, coffee with friends, retail therapy), it helps to have a back-up plan in place. 

All in all, I feel like I am doing fairly well, but I like to be preventative and not let things get too far gone before dealing with them.  So, that is where I am at now. 

Twins 5 Month Sleep Training

I mentioned a while back that we have hired a sleep consultant to help us out over the next little while.  I know it is still early for sleep training, but most moms I have spoken to have babies who either sleep the night (without feeds), or only nurse once by this point.  Our boys were still getting up 3 times a night to eat!  I think it was just the pattern they were used to, and not that they were necessarily hungry.  However, the sleep deprivation reached a new low and I was ready to move on.

I heard of this consultant from a few other twin moms in the area, who found great success with her.  The support is great, because it is ongoing for as long as you need, and we only paid $200!  I think that is totally worth it to help twins (and us) achieve a healthy sleep life.

The first thing she did was have us fill out a questionnaire about their current sleep/eat/play patterns, as well as a bunch of questions about their health and personalities.  Then she drafted up an awesome sleep plan for us.  It was encouraging because it was pretty close to what we were doing, but provided something to work towards.  We decided we would try to start implementing the changes with the hope of having the plan in place by the time they reach 4 months adjusted age (which is tomorrow!).

So, for those who are interested, here is the plan we currently have (and some notes on how it is going).

7am - Wake up time for the boys.  If they are not awake we go in and turn on the lights and wake them up.  If they are up early, we try to leave them in their cribs till this time (usually they wake up talking and not necessarily crying).  I then stagger feed them for the morning and have playtime till the nap.

9am - Nap #1.  This is supposed to be at least an hour nap.  We are having troubles transitioning the boys past the first sleep cycle of 45 minutes, so they often wake up after 40 minutes and we leave them fussing till the hour is up (we put in soothers, pat their backs, rub their tummies).  Once they are up, we feed again and then play.

12pm - Nap #2.  This nap should last between 1-2 hours, though we aim for the two hour mark so that they can last longer through the afternoon.  Usually one of them wakes up early from this one too.  We can often get RJ back to sleep with his soother and a blanket, but MJ is having issues falling asleep after waking up, so sometimes we pull him out and bring him to the bed in our room and help him resettle.  We aren't supposed to be doing this, as they are supposed to learn to sleep through each others' cries/fussing, and we aren't supposed to take them out early, but we also want RJ to learn to sleep himself, and so it is a toss up.  We are currently working with the consultant on how to handle this.  Once they are up, we feed again, and then have playtime.

3-4pm - Nap #3. Depending on the afternoon, this is when we schedule the 3rd nap.  It is only supposed to be 30-60 minutes, but often the other naps are shorter, and I feel like the boys can't quite make it to bedtime if this nap is not long enough.  So we have resorted to going for a walk or a drive.  Once they are in motion, they sleep much better and longer.  Or, sometimes they go down at 3 or 3:30 and if they only sleep for half an hour, we will take them for a walk after so that they can continue to rest till close to 5pm.  This may not be the right thing to do, but by this time I am tired and just need a break!  All the things I read say that if they are not sleeping well, put them to bed early, but we just can't do bedtime earlier than 6:30/7:00.  It is tough enough as it is.  Anyways, more on that later.  Once they are up, we do a top-up feed and then play until bedtime.  We try to start the bedtime routine around 7 and have them tucked in between 7:30/8:00 (unless they have had a bad nap day and we bump it earlier).  It's just hard with DH getting home from work, trying to get dinner in order and cleaned up, and then get them ready for bed while they are becoming fussy.  This is, by far, one of the most draining times of the day.  Fortunately, our boys go down to bed very well so far!  I hope this doesn't change as they get older...

11:30pm/12:00am - Night feed #1. We are supposed to wake them up but we usually wait till the first one wakes up, feed them, then wake the second one up. 

3:30am/4:00 - Night feed #2.  Same thing... feed one, then the other.  They are supposed to go right back down, but we've been having troubles settling RJ after this feed.  He is usually up for an hour at least. This is a frustrating time so we are working on what to do with him here. 

7am - Start all over again.

It really is a manageable schedule, if it works.  Both the babies have periods where they won't settle and if one if up, they throw the whole schedule off.  It's a work in progress.  Since we started doing scheduled naps, most days have been so much easier.  I have had time to eat lunch, to sip tea, and actually get things done!  Now, if we get the nights in order so I can sleep, I will be even happier!  The hard part is getting up to pump so that hubby can do the night feed.  I'm not sure how to get around that one.  If I go to bed at 9, and don't pump before getting up for the 3:30 feed, I am way too engorged and choke the babies and make them scream, lol.  So I usually pump before bed at 9, then get up again around 1, then get up for the feed at 3:30, and then try to sleep another hour or two after the feed before they are up.  That is still a broken up sleep night and I am pretty exhausted still.  But there is hope! 

As you may have guessed if you've read my blog much, I am a schedule kind of girl!  I would have loved to be more flexible, feeding on demand, etc. with babies... but with twins, that is pretty much impossible. So it actually helps me be less anxious knowing that there is a schedule in place and having a framework to work from and towards.  We aren't doing any cry-it-out yet (not till 6 months, at least), but really just working to implement healthy sleep habits for the boys.  All in all, it is going very well and I hope the next few months bring much more success!

Twins 5 Month Update

5 Month Update

I'm a few days early, but since I had some time to sit down and write, I thought I'd post this now.  As challenging as raising twins are, it is such incredible fun too.  I absolutely LOVE the stage the boys are in (apart from the "wonder week" difficult behavior).  Also, they are so incredibly cute!  How can you not love them?

So, here's this month's update for anyone who is interested.

 

Eat

This month the picky eating trend continued with RJ.  We did everything we could to rule out thrush, nipple confusion, ear infection...and at the end of the day we have decided he just is a picky eater.  He even struggles with the bottle at times but he is too distracted to eat during the day.  His nursing sessions only last 5-10 minutes but he can drink 120-160 from a bottle.  MJ settled down in his eating, but continues to do well at breastfeeding.  He nurses in 10-20 minutes and drinks 140-160 in a bottle.  We only tandem feed 1-2x per day now, but it is cute when we do. The boys play with each other’s hands and stare at each other.  RJ now weighs 13lbs, 5oz and is in size 1-2 diapers and 3-6 month clothing and MJ weighs a whopping 15lbs, 11oz and is in size 2 diapers and mostly 6 month clothing!

Sleep

Though people say the 4-month regression maybe is not real, we definitely felt the effects of a regression this month.  It hit RJ especially bad.  He was going through such brain development and learning lots of new skills, but it really affected his eating and sleeping.  After quite a few nights of 7-8 feedings between the two boys, we buckled down and hired a sleep consultant.  We have only just started to implement some of the changes, but I am really excited to get the boys on a better schedule so that we can have happier, healthy boys.  Sleep and food are the most important things right now, so it was well worth it to shell out $200.  Also she will continue to support us through different stages of growth and development as the boys get older.  Our hope is to have the boys feed just twice through the night.  We are getting close, though usually RJ needs an extra little top-up early in the morning (and often he snuggles with us after that).  The boys go to bed no problem between 7-8pm, and usually get up by 7:30.  We had Daylight Savings last week and it threw us off a bit, but they seem to be adjusting now that we have incorporated a new schedule.  The goal is to have 3 naps of a total of 4 hours per day as well.  Here’s to hoping the next month gets us on track!

Play

This has been the most fun development to watch this month.  The boys really did hit a 4-month brain development growth spurt.  All of a sudden they were so much more active!  They love to hold objects with both hands and bring them to their mouths.  They put anything they can into their mouths (especially their hands).  They reach for objects hanging over them.  They are much better at tummy time and hold their heads up and are starting to reach towards object (sometimes).  They aren’t rolling over yet, but RJ especially is always squirming around.  He loves to kick his arms and legs like crazy and hits anything in his way.  They both sit in the bumbo seats and will reach for toys on the tray in front of them.  RJ is especially talkative this month.  MJ doesn’t cry in the mornings, but wakes up and sits in his crib “talking” until we come get him.  It is so cute!  The best is how excited they get about music!  We try not to let them watch media, but occasionally we play a music video on the computer and they both love it!  RJ moves all around and “sings.”  MJ sings and just stares engrossed in the music.  We love it.  

Events

This month was pretty busy with church events and just surviving, but after the AGM we decided to take our first trip with the boys!  We went to Tofino and stayed at Middle Beach Lodge along with our friend L.  It was such fun!  Super tiring, but still fun.  We took the boys walking on Long Beach in their new Ergo carriers, and played in the cabin by the fire.  We enjoyed hanging out in the lodge drinking coffee and watching the waves.  Even with a 3-hour drive each way, the boys did great.  They are quite adaptable and it was fun to be away with them.  Other than that, we carried on with our regular activities of church, preemie group, play dates, and walks as often as we could.  The boys are much more aware of their surroundings and the people around them so it is so much fun. 

My New Normal

Lately I keep finding myself wondering when life will return to "normal"... and then I realize this IS my new normal.  I think that any transition to parenthood feels this way, but I would venture to guess that parenting multiples highlights this in an extreme way. 

When I used to dream of being pregnant and having a baby, I naively thought it wouldn't change our lives that much.  I mean, I knew our lives would change, but I thought we would continue to be the people we were and do the same things we did, just with an addition of a baby.  I've watched friends post their photos on Facebook of eating out in restaurants, of having tons of people over for parties, of going camping or away on family vacation, all with their new baby in tow.  Though their lives had dramatically changed, they still were able to live the live they led prior to kids.  I always imagined that would be me.  In fact, it was a priority I was willing and ready to fight for.

In reality, though, that's not the way my life is right now.  Having twins has changed everything for me.  It's not that doing those things is impossible with twins; but I do think there is double the amount of effort (and risk) involved in bringing two babies along - especially if I am on my own.  One set of hands for two babies just doesn't cut it in all these situations.  I still live in fear of what if they both wake up and start screaming while in public.  One baby is difficult enough to manage, but two is literally impossible!  One baby would always be crying, and I guess I'm not ready to face that situation in public.

And more than that, I realize that I have had to change myself in order to adapt to this new life.  Which is fine.  For one thing, I am a home body.  I love my home.  I love being home with my boys.  I am okay not to have people over as frequently as we did.  I don't mind wearing comfy clothes all day, though I do try to get out of the house even for just a walk every few days.  This part of parenting multiples is okay by me.

There are, though, many changes that I did not anticipate in becoming a parent.  I didn't realize that taking even a 5 minute shower would become a coveted event... and a bubble bath - well that's just unheard of.  I didn't think that I would never be able to eat a meal in peace, and would have to scarf down my food as quick as possible, or learn to eat with a baby in my lap.  I didn't know that I would never have clean clothes because they are always marked with spit-up (okay these are just trivial examples, but still!).  I didn't anticipate that every single decision I make would make me consider the impact on my babies before thinking of myself.  I didn't realize that my relationship with DH would become a challenge to upkeep, simply due to the lack of time and energy we have for one another.  I didn't know that becoming a parent would change ME so very drastically.

I am still getting used to my "new normal" in my life with twins.  Sometimes I treasure it, and sometimes I struggle to accept it.  I somehow keep expecting that once we reach a point, things are magically going to go back to how they were before, except that we'll have two precious babies along.  That's not exactly how change works.  So right now, I am learning to embrace my new normal, and to stop waiting for life to return to its previous pace.  I wouldn't want to go back anyways. 

4 Month Review

We are snowed in today, and my sis and bro-in-law are visiting so I have freer hands and finally a chance to update.  So here goes, as quickly as I can, until the babes need to eat again.

Four Months

This month went by in a whirr!  I’m a week late in writing and I honestly can’t remember what has gone on this month.  We have seen a lot of changes in the boys, but it is hard to pick out specific details as things happen so quickly.

Eat/Sleep

Eating was a challenge this last little while.  MJ went through a growth spurt and was eating like CRAZY!  He now weighs at least 14lbs.  RJ has been very difficult with his feedings.  We haven’t been able to identify the cause of the problem (thrush, stuffy nose, bottle preference, distractibility, ear infection), but he is super picky about eating.  The conditions have to be absolutely perfect in order for him to focus and actually eat something.  He is finicky on breast and only lasts 5-10 minutes most days.  His bottles range from 60-140mLs depending on his mood.  MJ is consistently breastfeeding 15-20 minutes (sometimes 30-40) and drinking 120-160mLs.  At his last weigh-in, RJ was 11lb,8oz.  The boys are wearing 3-6 month clothing (MJ wears some 6 month outfits) and in size 1-2 diapers (1 is a bit tight but can do sometimes).  

Sleep has been hit and miss.  Since his growth spurt, MJ has been doing much better!  He normally wakes up once, and sometimes twice a night.  For the first time just after turning 4 months he slept 12 hours, straight through the night!  RJ normally sleeps well right after his bath (4-5 hours) and then is up every 3 hours after that, so usually 3 times per night.  The boys typically wake up between 7:30-8:00am and go to bed at the same time at night.  We try to do 3 naps per day and rely on the walk or drive for the long nap of the day.  

Play

The boys are so much more interactive now.  They both talk a lot.  MJ coos like crazy, and RJ just makes the loudest squaks and squeaks.  They often “talk” to one another in the morning.  Other than that, they aren’t too aware of each other’s presence, except when tandem nursing - they like to touch and hold hands.  It is super cute.  They love to lay on their pay mat and try to grab at the toys.  They can hold on pretty well, when they are not moving so much.  They both kick their legs a lot.  We are practicing rolling over with them but they are not quite ready for it.  MJ tries to sit himself up whenever he is propped back.  They both can hold their necks more steady (MJ more than RJ) and practice tummy time every day.  Once a week we go to Preemie Group at the Infant Development Center.  It is a lot of stimulation but they enjoy the toys and the play there.  They both suck on their hands and are just starting to “look” at them.  

Events

This month has been pretty busy just doing normal life.  We have gotten out to church more frequently, and go to group once a week.  Those are the most consistent activities of the week.  Other than that we try to do daily walks when it’s not raining/snowing.  A few times we have met with friends with other twins for walks too.  The routine to our day is great and I am slowly gaining a bit more time to myself (though I don't expect that to last long). 

All in all, I really love this stage the best so far (apart from the feeding woes) and continue to look forward to what is next. 

A day in the life... with 3-month old twin boys

I always love reading about other people's days with babies.  If you're about to have twins, here is a taste of what my life is currently like.  People say the first 6-8 months with twins are just a blur.  So far, it is true!  The first 8 weeks especially are so insane.  I really can't remember anything about how I felt...it was pure survival.  By about 12 weeks we sort of got into a routine, which has made my life so much better.  I know it is subject to change over and over again, but for now, it is great!

8:00am - Day begins!  PUT THE COFFEE ON!!!  I try to get up prior to this feed to get myself ready, but it depends on how much sleep I have had, and how tired I am.  This schedule is also plus/minus an hour, depending on how the previous night has gone.  The boys have their first feed (usually I tandem feed them).  Burp, wash faces, change them for the day ahead.  Have a bit of playtime, unless they are still sleepy and ready to go back down for a nap.  After each feed I change diapers, burp, and then try to get in a pumping session while they play and/or nap.  So, really a feed can take 1 1/2-2 hours easily. 

9:30am - Hopefully they have gone back down and I can get myself some breakfast and maybe a shower.  Usually it's too much to ask for both shower AND food in between feeds, so I try to clean up the kitchen a little and get ready for the day.

10:00-11:00 - Boys wake up again hungry.  Try to hold out till they are both awake, and tandem feed again.  They are more awake after this feed so we have some play time, try to work on tummy time, etc.  While they are playing, I will try to get some lunch ready for whenever I have a chance to eat.  If I have help.

12:30pm - Naptime for the boys (and maybe for me if they both magically go down together).

1:30-2:00 - Up for a feed again.  Sometimes for this feed I will bottle feed one and breastfeed the other, for some one-on-one time. 

3:00 - Hopefully if it's nice out, I try to get out for a walk before it's too cold/late.  This has been working out nice because they nap in the stroller, or just chill out watching everything.  I walk for about an hour when I can.  It's great to take a break and get out of the house by this point in the day. 

5:00 - They almost always wake up by this point in time, and here begins their fussy period (the witching hour?).  We do what we can to entertain them, rock them, nurse, while trying to clean up the house a bit and prepare supper (my DH is home by this point).

6:00 - Tandem feed.  We have been doing this feed and then trying to put them down for one more "nap" before we bath them and put them to bed, but we might switch this up.  They have a hard time napping at this hour and usually fuss (or scream) while we are trying to eat and clean up. 

7:00 - Bedtime routine!  Bath, comfy PJs, bottle feed, burp, and bed.  Our goal is to have them in bed by 8:00.  Usually after their bath they will have a good stretch of sleep.  This gives us a chance to finish eating dinner, clean up dinner, do any last tasks around the house, wash and prepare bottles, and hopefully have a few minutes of downtime.  I often try to go to bed as soon as I can after this point!

11:00pm/12:00am - Up for a feed.  We are trying to have help for this feed so that we can sleep (I get up for a quick pump to supply for the night).  Whomever is helping will bottle feed the boys. 

2:00-3:00am - Bottle feed.  Usually DH and I will do this together, unless they are staggered, in which case he is "on shift" and will feed them.  Right now we try to have someone (my dad or a friend) on shift from 10-1 so we both can sleep.  Then DH is on shift from 1-4 and I take 4-7.  When it is just DH and I, we do 10pm-2am and 2am-6am shifts.  The hope is that when the boys aren't feeding, that person can sleep in the room with them during their shift (though that doesn't always happen).  I get up every 3-4 hours to pump.

5:00-6:00am - Up for an early morning small feed.  They haven't been eating as much at this feed, so sometimes I will breastfeed them individually, or tandem if they wake up together.  If I am super exhausted I will give them a bottle (bottle feeds go faster for the most part).  If I feed them individually, I often take them into bed with me and feed them lying down so I can doze.

8:00am - We start all over again!   

This really is a "rough" sketch of how things goes.  The naps are not nearly that straight forward.  Usually one twin will fall asleep first, and by the time the next one goes down, the first one is up again.  So I feel like I am constantly putting a baby to sleep... that itself is exhausting!  I hardly have many hands free moments so I try to get as much done as quickly as possible when I do.  That, too, is exhausting.  Overall, it really just is exhausting.  And from what I hear, we soon will enter the four month sleep regression...oh my!!!