Leaving baby time

The twins' first birthday is right around the corner (4 days, to be exact!).  Before it passes, I thought I'd take a moment to sit and gather my thoughts about it all.

Tonight is a lovely night.  It's 8pm, the boys are in bed, all the chores are done (besides folding laundry), and I'm sipping tea in a house to myself after a busy Thanksgiving weekend.  This morning I hired a housecleaner for the first time to deep clean my kitchen.  Then, this afternoon a family friend sent her daughter over to be a "mother's helper" and play with the kids while I cooked (turkey leftovers!).  My hubby fed the boys dinner while I escaped for a run.  Then we put them to bed and that was it.  It actually felt way too easy.  And then it got me thinking...

This entire year has been a marathon every single day.  I know that life with kids is busy, but I think that life with infant twins is a type of busy you just can't explain.  All day today I found myself thinking, "what should I be DOING right now."  Because, really, there is not ever a single moment to yourself.  Even when you have down time, your mind is full of a list of all the things that still need to be done.  Always.

I think that this IS parenthood, but I also think that life adapts and adjusts so that it doesn't feel quite as frantic as the first year (or it just changes to a different kind of frantic).  Luckily, I enjoy being busy.  But just having one day that was "easy" made me realize how busy I really have been.  It's probably a good thing for me to start to slow down a little if I can.

The boys are starting to change more rapidly every day.  It's not their physical appearance as much, but their personalities and capabilities.  It is incredible to watch.

Also, it terrifies me.

For years, we longed and longed to hold a baby in our arms.  Though "family" was the long-term focus, the immediate attention was on getting pregnant and having a baby.  Then that was achieved. All this year we have lived in that dream, taking care of two miracle babies.  And now they are nearly "not" babies anymore.  A year changes that.  And I really haven't planned or prepared for what is ahead.

I know we will figure out our role and place as we need to, but I feel this urge to make time stop and just "be" in the time we are in right now.  People say the first year goes so fast.  For me, it didn't.  It was hard work.  Every day I achieved was a celebration.  Every milestone a recognition that we were moving ahead.  When I think about the twins turning one, of course I am happy.  But there is also a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Is this baby time really almost over?  (I know they're still technically "babies" for a while, but toddlerhood is more on the horizon and the one year marker makes me very aware of this).

Despite what we have to celebrate now, I am still struck by the pangs of infertility pain at unexpected times.  Somehow, leaving baby time makes me feel like I should have that all resolved.  But I don't.

It's not that the first year went too fast... it's just that I don't know if I'm ready for what's ahead.

But, ready or not, here we go.

I'll let you know how it goes ;)