Away again

My work has sent me to a conference in Victoria for a couple days, so I'm off again.  I really wasn't sure how this was going to work with a pending miscarriage, but here I am, past 10 weeks with no bleeding, spotting or cramping, so I decided I'd take the trip.  I was a bit anxious leading up to going away, specifically because DH isn't with me.  I feel that he is my saving grace for whenever this disaster decides to strike.  Even at lunch before I left I was lamenting and telling him I didn't want to go.  But now that I'm here, I think it will be nice and I will try to enjoy myself.  My colleague who I went with even was sweet and right off the bat told me that we should have a "plan" in case "anything happens" during the conference.  I have her cell phone number and she is willing to be there for me and take care of me.  Isn't that sweet?  I had to tell her what was going on since I'm travelling with her and we're staying at her mom's house... but she's been great.  Also DH is ready to drive up in a heartbeat if I need.  I feel pretty confident though that there are no inclinations that a miscarriage is going to come in the next few days.  Nothing has changed (apart from my boobs resuming their normal small size).  I feel like my body isn't going to kick into gear to end this any time soon. 

 I did (and I really don't know why) take a pee test yesterday (I had one left and decided it had to go) and the positive line came up immediately.  However, I KNOW that Hcg remains in your body even AFTER you miscarry until your levels diminish enough to start ovulation again.  So I don't know why I did it.  I just wanted to see some sign of what was going on in my body, and maybe if the hcg is lowering, I thought it would mean the miscarriage is coming soon.  I don't feel one ounce pregnant though. I even had a glass of red wine tonight. 

So, that's where I'm at.  Ultrasound on Thursday, and then I'll probably schedule a D&C for the week after, right about 12 weeks.  I figure if my body doesn't do this naturally, I'll just get it over with as soon as possible.  The stories about taking the misoprostol scare me...  And sometimes you have to have a D&C anyways.  I trust my doctor and that he knows what he is doing (though he did say that the worst case risk is  puncturing a hole through the uterus, and if that punctures a blood vessel and you start hemmoraging that they may have to take out your uterus!  He said that in his 30 years of practice, he has never done that...still!).  Yikes!

Doctor's update and more...

I got in to see my doctor today.  There's kind of a story as to how things played out... but I'll try to keep it brief here.  He left a message on my home phone yesterday asking me to all this morning.  I was at work and called the clinic thinking they had forgot about me.  I spoke to the receptionist and she booked me in, and also mentioned that my doctor was going to be in the OR all weekend so it would work out great if I wanted a D&C.

Well, this morning I'm woken up to the clinic calling and the receptionist asked me if I could come in earlier, and also asked me not to eat or drink anything in case I wanted to go for surgery TODAY!  I said okay and hung up the phone.  What then resulted was a big fight between DH and I...  It wasn't so much that we were fighting with each other, but we were both so stressed out about everything and didn't know how to handle it.  DH was very opposed to me going for surgery, especially not without an ultrasound.  Eventually I called the clinic back with the intention of cancelling my appointment, and the receptionist convinced me to come in just to discuss things with the doctor.  She even said that there is no way they would try to coerce me into doing anything I didn't want to (which is what DH thought was happening).  Phew!  Still, that was not how I expected the morning to go.

So I went to the appointment.  It was very helpful.  Last time we hadn't even considered the other options so I heard the pros and cons of having a D&C or using misoprostol.  My doctor was so understanding!  He said that if my body was still producing the placenta, it could take 12-14 weeks before I do miscarry.  At the end of the visit, he even told me that if I would like peace of mind before choosing an option, he would gladly give me another ultrasound.  So I took it!  It's not scheduled till next week (since I'm away at a conference till Wednesday, fingers crossed).  But that will give us the confirmation to go ahead and get things over with if nothing has progressed.  And if I miscarry in the meantime, then that's fine too.  I told the doctor that the 12 week mark would be our cut-off and if we haven't miscarried by then, we would take action to.  I still would like a natural miscarriage the most.

And then!

I am still reeling from what else happened today.  As I left for the doctor, I noticed that someone had left a plant on our doorstep.  Attached to it was a little note card that was not signed.  However, it was handmade.  Part of it was a decorative paper that said "Blessing" on it, and the other side was paper that had the word "Baby."  On it was written two Bible verses.  The first was Psalms 32:8 "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you."  The other side, however (ggrrrrr!) had Psalms 127:3 "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward." 

WTF?!?!?!?

WHO DOES THAT?  Nobody knows that we were pregnant, apart from the people who know where we are at now.  The writing definitely looks girly, and not like an older person's writing, but somebody young.  Our guess is that someone thinks we are pregnant!  But who?!????  We have no idea!  It's kind of a gutsy and bold move to leave something like this for someone who you DON'T KNOW IS PREGNANT... and the fact that they are WRONG about it just makes us SOOOO ANGRY!   DH and I are both reeling in anger and don't know what to do with it.  Anyways, I hoped expressing it here would help me feel better, and I know that you will sympathize with me, which is what I need right now, haha. 

So I'm trying to keep it low key for the rest of the day.  I started a sewing project (my first quilt!) which I am excited to work on so that is the plan.  Tonight we'll stay in and watch a movie.  I just feel done today.  I could barely take the dog for a walk.  I'm emotional, and tired, and just need some space.  Whew!

The waiting time

Thanks ladies for the wonderfully helpful comments today!  It was a rough day overall, but I've made it through. 

I did take your advice and call my doctor's office.  Unfortunately, I live in a small town and the options are limited.  The clinic that I go to is the only gynecology clinic here.  I am currently in the care of the OB after a referral from my MD.  The RE that I saw for my fertility treatments is in the "closest" city that does treatments, and that is 3 hours away.  The lady I spoke to today was nice and said she would talk to the doctor and call me back, but unfortunately I did not hear back from them today. 

As for a decision on what I want to do... I still do want to wait.  I don't really know why.  I am worried about the risks of infection and scarring with a D&C, although it sounds like it would be lovely to have it all over with and not experience the physical pain of a miscarriage.  The misoprostol just scares me because of all the horror stories I read online of people have terrible labour pains after taking it.  And there is the risk of hemorrhaging (which I think my mom did with all her births and maybe one miscarriage too).  It's not the waiting that is hard for a natural miscarriage.  It's the fact that I have these events coming up and I am freaked out of having a gushing blood experience while I am somewhere inconvenient.  Other than that, I don't really mind waiting.  I didn't think I would feel this way.  I thought I would just want it over with ASAP so we could get back to business.  But surprisingly, I am not minding this waiting time. 

When I think about my future and where I hoped to be in a few months time, it sucks and I do get a bit panicky and sad.  But when I am in this moment right now, I feel alright.  I was pregnant.  That never happened before.  Even though I'm not technically pregnant right now I feel good about my body and my chances of it happening again.  I'm trying to enjoy life, and I like that feeling.  Maybe I'm just in denial of what's really going on?  I don't know.  But I trust myself and the process enough to know that where I am right now is right where I need to be.  And so, I'm okay with it. 

DH and I talked briefly tonight.  He kept getting mad when I would bring up this topic and want to talk about what we should do.  And then it clicked.  He feels so powerless over what is going on, and he wants to fix it and help, but there is absolutely nothing he can do to make this happen, or stop it from happening.  Let me tell you, from all of my psychology training, this is the worst feeling for a guy!  Guys need to feel powerful in a way - not in a "over-your-head" kind of way, but they need to feel useful and needed.  When that is stripped, they actually wither away.  So for DH right now, he doesn't want to talk about it.  He doesn't want to be reminded of his powerlessness.  And yet, he doesn't want me to go ahead with a D&C or the pills.  He doesn't even know why, but he's not ready for that yet.  He doesn't want me to be "proactive" in trying to control this.  He knows it is out of our control and he is grieving that.  So for now, I will respect his grieving and wait to hear what the doctor says.   

Arrgh!

I'm feeling rather frustrated today.  And flustered.  Flustrated it is. 

I haven't felt like writing a post for National Infertility Awareness Week, though I want to support it.  I haven't really felt like writing a post of my own.  I haven't felt like reading blogs, though I have checked up on a few people in the midst of important stuff.

I just wish this miscarriage would get itself over with.  I am tired of waiting and wondering when it will be.  I don't feel pregnant at all anymore.  I fit back into my clothes and my body is starting to look like mine again (minus a bit of a tummy that I think must be due to the contents still in my uterus).  I've started exercising well again, though it is leaving me exhausted all the time.  I was ready for bed at 9pm last night!  Went to bed by 11, woke up at 8 and went to the gym, now I'm ready to go back to bed again (but here I am at work). 

I want to call my doctor's office but I don't know what to say.  I pretty much know the answers I will get (yes, I've done a ton of googling).  They may offer misoprostal, which I don't really want to take unless they would do another ultrasound and confirm again for me that there is no growth.  I don't think they will do another u/s at this point.  My doctor said it could take 2-4 weeks to miscarry.  It's been two.  If nothing happens in another two weeks, then they would probably take me back again and do an u/s.  For now, they have kind of wiped their hands clean of me.  At this point I would consider a D&C, but again I would want to be absolutely SURE that nothing was there.  I'm a bit concerned about the risk of uterine scarring, which can have effects on fertility.  I don't have any signs of infection at this point in time so a D&C is not necessary.  I don't know whether I should ask to have my Hcg levels tested again... I hear they can keep rising even AFTER a miscarriage is over.  I have a conference coming up on Monday, and then the following Friday I go to Vancouver for a night for my cousin's wedding.  I need this to be over now, or wait until after that wedding!

I don't know what to do!  I am panicking, and flustrated, and can hardly focus. 

I need some help ladies.  What is your advice?

***UPDATE***  Thanks for the initial comments ladies.  Keep them coming!  I did just call my doctor and left a message with the receptionist about my concerns.  She is going to talk to my doctor and call me back at some point today.  I really appreciate your support!

I'm Back!

Hello!  I'm back from a little weekend get-away and getting settled in for the week.  Since we had originally booked a longer holiday, I have today off and the house to myself.  This is a rare occasion and I am definitely making the most of it!  House is cleaned, bread is rising, espresso has been drunk, and I'm soon about to pull out my sewing machine and listen to some tunes.

Our trip was nice.  It was not anything groundbreaking, but I think the time was good to help us process and settle with where we are at.  On the way to Tofino, I started to get anxiety and almost was having a panic attack.  There was something about leaving home, and going somewhere with no distractions around that just got to me.  I had a good cry in the car and once we arrived I felt much better.  We didn't really talk about things while we were there.  We had a few little discussions, and I shed a few more tears.  Mostly we just watched TV, cuddled, strolled on the beach and played with our dog.  We had some good weather, so that was so nice!  Coming back I started to get panicky again.  The thought of seeing all the people in our lives is tough.  Most people don't know what we're going on, so it's hard to be "hiding something" this big.  At the same time, we don't feel ready to hear all the insensitive and stupid comments if we did tell most people (especially because we work a lot with young adults, who just think they know it all and haven't experienced any real grief or hardships yet).  Even seeing my parents is tough.  On one hand, I crave their support and affection.  But on the other hand, I don't want to be pitied.  I know they wouldn't try to pity us... but it's not like they can act like nothing has happened either.  It's a hard place to be.

Last night, once we were home, we were killing some time and went for a walk.  Somehow being home again opened our voices and we talked and talked and talked.  It was nice.  We spent some time praying.  I heard how DH is really doing and feeling about things.  We even discussed adoption, which is something we have never discussed so far.  DH might be taking a trip to Cambodia this summer with our church.  He wants to bring back a child, hehe.  Unfortunately, Cambodia is not open to adoptions due to corruption and human trafficking, but it was neat for us to talk about it.

I still haven't started to miscarry.  I'm wondering when it will be.  I'm feeling like I count as a missed miscarriage by this point, but I don't know.  I'm worried because next week I leave for a conference for work.  I do not want to have anything happen while I'm away from DH! 

And so, there's a little catch-up on my life.  I know it is National Infertility Awareness Week.  I am still figuring out how I want to participate but it is on my radar.  I am thinking of starting a new blog for close friends and family, and I "may" come out with our story there.  I have to talk to DH about that.  Oh, and I deactivated my Facebook account and created a new one for just close friends and family.  That feels SOOOO GOOD!  Thanks for checking in on me. 

9 Weeks and Waiting

Today is the official "9 week" mark.  I find it funny that our baby stopped growing at 5 1/2 weeks, and here we are 3 1/2 weeks later with NO signs of miscarrying.  In fact, over the past few days some of my pregnancy symptoms have come back full tilt (heartburn, nausea, fatigue).  I wish my body would just make up its mind.  I've not had any spotting yet either.  I had a bit of cramping today, but I think that's because I worked out at the gym and even did abs work. 

So, our trip is a go... but just not as planned.  We are no longer going to visit DH's parents.  I'm relieved now, but last night at 11pm I had my bag packed all ready to leave after work.  Then they called us and told us not to come.  DH and I were a little ticked off, to say the least.  My mother-in-law (MIL) decided to do her own internet searching on Korean websites and decided it was too risky for me to travel at all!  She was so intent on the fact that she had researched and DH said to her, "Mom, don't you think that we have researched about 400,000 times MORE than you."  But oh well.  I was a bit worried about how they would be anyways.  They really don't have a clue what is going on so I would have been told a million times to "just relax" and "you're still young, it will happen" etc. 

Instead, we are taking a wonderful get-away trip to... TOFINO!  I absolutely love Tofino.  We've rented a little (old and cheap) cottage on the beach, where our dog can come.  There's a fireplace and a TV, and we plan to keep it chill and do some walks on the beach and just relax.  This is absolutely perfect for me! 

Surprisingly, I don't really feel too sad about our loss right now.  I think that when it actually happens, I will break down, but I'm getting by alright for the moment.  I've been able to get through my days this week.  I think having a trip at the end of this week was a lifesaver for me. 

So, the saga continues.  Hope you all have a great weekend and thanks for the continued support!

False alarm

Well, nothing has happened since this morning. I actually just feel pregnant again. I'm not sure what is going on in my body. I just hope we don't have to wait too long. We were supposed to go for a little trip away this weekend but I'm worried to travel. It's hard not knowing when it is going to happen.

It's coming?

Well, the miscarriage may be on the way, but I'm not entirely sure. (**Warning, this is a TMI post!**)


I awoke at 6am this morning with an extreme urge to go to the washroom.  I think I awoke to some sort of uterine contraction.  I have never had that feeling before but it felt like my insides were being wrung out.  I could hardly stand, or sit... I just felt hugely uncomfortable.  It felt like I had to pee, but nothing happened.  After a few minutes, a HUGE wave of nauseau washed over me and I broke into a cold sweat.  Like my shirt got drenched!  Finally I was able to go to the washroom and emptied everything.  There was no bleeding.  It was just like the contraction expelled everything else surrounding my uterus.  After a while, I was able to lie down again and things seemed to calm down.  I even caught a little bit more sleep.

When it was time for me to get up for work, I felt alright.  I felt a bit shaky and scared, but I managed to shower and get ready and everything was fine.  I had an important meeting at work so I decided to go for the morning and then see how I'm doing.  Well, it's 10:00am and I haven't had any bleeding/spotting yet.  I don't really know what that episode this morning was all about.  My abdomen feels really full/bloated, like I'm about to get my period.  I think the bleeding will start soon but there are no other signs.  I've had to pee a million times this morning, but that's about it. 

Anyone else experienced anything like this?  I just wish I knew when it was going to start, and what it would be like at the beginning.  I know it's different for everybody, but this uncertainty is killing me.

(UPDATE: It's noon and I'm on lunch break and feel fine.  Guess it was a false warning for now.)

Being around people

Yesterday I had a good day again.  It was super productive, and a gorgeous sunny day.

Today I skipped church and stayed home to finish things around the house.  I can't bring myself to be around people yet.  It's this weird catch-22.  One on hand, I want to tell people what we are going through so that I don't feel so alone in my suffering.  On the other hand, I can't handle the stupid comments I KNOW people will say.  Even the well meaning ones just hurt.  For example, the most common comment I have gotten so far (and we've only told really close people) is, "Well, at least you know you CAN get pregnant."  I know that... but that does not in any way ease the pain we're in right now!  As one blogger said, you wouldn't tell a widow at a funeral, "Well, there's plenty of fish in the sea and I'm sure you'll have another chance again soon."  The feelings DO parallel.

It's also hard for me to be around people because I don't feel like smiling and pretending I'm okay... yet I don't want to share our struggle with just anyone.  So I'm worried I'll just look like a jerk, ignoring people, not participating in conversations, and not taking the time to ask others how they are doing.  I know I shouldn't worry about this, but I think that is something deep in me that I'm sensitive about.  So I'd rather just avoid people right now.  (Unfortunately tonight I can't because it's our young adults bible study at our home, which is why I'm venting this all out now, beforehand).

I also feel it's hard to talk about our pending misarriage without bringing up our whole back story, and I'm not sure I want everyone to know about that yet.  Maybe after the miscarriage I'll be able to talk about it just like a miscarriage, which I know many others have faced.  But this miscarriage is tied to so much more for me.  I don't know how to separate it from the struggle with infertility that has plagued us for years.

I dread going to work tomorrow.  I know that once I'm there and in session, I'll be okay.  The thought of getting up and facing work is just torturous to me right now.

*Sigh*

A Better Day

Today was a better day.  DH and I decided today was a date day and that we needed to get out of here for the day.  We went to Campbell River (woo hoo!) and went for a hike with the dog.  It was a nice day.  The hike wasn't anything too amazing but it was so nice to get out.  Then we went and had lunch at a restaurant right on the water.  We lingered and had coffees.  It was so nice!  We puttered around some shops and then came home.  The best part of the day was the driving half an hour each way.  DH and I just talked.  We didn't talk about infertility or our loss.  We just talked about other stuff that is important to us.  For a little bit, it felt like we were our pre-infertility selves.  It was so refreshing!

Last night we were hit the hardest.  I don't know why, but evening came and we didn't really have anything to do.  All the emotions came flooding in.  I cried and cried.  I started feeling a bit traumatized by everything, and felt pretty anxious.  Fortunately, DH was strong and just held me while I cried and then took me out for ice cream.  I made him come to bed with me because I couldn't be alone.

My mom flew out to Hawaii with her sisters and dad yesterday.  She said that the entire flight there, her and my aunt just cried for us.  My mom and dad are wonderful and so supportive.  Apparently it has hit my dad pretty hard too.  They were so hoping for us!  I saw my dad today and he hugged me so hard, for so long.  I also told my sister today.  That was hard and she was so sad and cried so much for us.  Her pregnancy hormones probably didn't help. :)  She has had a bit of a scare this weekend too as she has had some bleeding.  Apparently her placenta is sitting just above the cervix and there's a bit of a pool of blood below.  She is at risk for placenta previa if it stays that way (she's just at 13 weeks).  That's still a scare.

I want to thank everyone for the wonderful comments!  I feel so overwhelmed by the support here.  I'd love any other tips on how to prepare for/manage a loss like this.  I am finding the suggestions so helpful. Thank you all for caring!

How I Am Doing

Wednesday, April 11th - 8:40 p.m.

I'm finding it hard to formulate cohesive thoughts right now.  Some of the comments written have made me cry. I know you understand what I am going through.  I can't describe how great that is.  Right now I just want to hide myself away from anyone and everyone I know.  I don't know why.  I kind of feel ashamed, but in a strange way.  It's not that I'm ashamed of anything I have done or how my body works...  it just feels shameful somehow.

Anyways, here are the random thoughts floating around in my mind.  Since I can't write fully, I'll put them in point term:
- I haven't had any symptoms today, and barely any yesterday.  I wonder if my body is realizing it's not "really" pregnant and if this means I'll miscarry sooner.
- I have to call the midwives, and also my ND (who will be so sad).  Who else do I need to let know?
- What am I going to do about the cards I sent my sister and brother?  Do I tell them to get rid of them without opening them?  When should I tell them?
- Now I can't be pregnant with my sister.  That sucks!  What sucks even more is that they are coming to visit and DH and I will be the only "childless" coupe (and we're the oldest).  That is going to be the worst.
- I don't want to be friends with any of our friends who have kids anymore.  Like, not at all.
- What if I miscarry while we are on vacation (starting a week from Monday)?
- My plan is now all ruined.  My job finishes in September.  That timing lined up perfectly... now what will I do?  I need to work to be able to pay our mortgage.  I recently got approved to become a certified counsellor and I could get more hours at the place where I am working a half day right now... BUT I DON'T WANT TO.  Being pregnant was the perfect excuse out.  I only wanted to work there till I had a baby.  If I'm not having a baby now, I don't want to work there.  But what will I do?  How will I get out of my commitment.  All I want to do with my life is be a mom!  I don't want to work anymore!!!
- I am totally skipping church on Sunday.
- Should I return some of the "comfy" clothes I bought the other day?
- Eww, what about my weight?  I have no drive to lose weight, but I can't handle being this heavy without being pregnant.  I feel disgusting.  I don't want to lose a bunch of weight just to gain it back again if we DO get pregnant again.   Ahhhhhhh!!!!!
- When will we even have a chance of getting pregnant again?  If we miscarry by mid-May, then we should be back to cycle by mid-June.  Maybe we could do an IUI in July?
- DH doesn't even know if he can go through it again.  I don't either.  Yet I can't give up the idea of having our own kid... especially if there is a chance it is possible.
- I've been sitting in my bed for the past two hours.  I've drank a large slurpee, a cup of tea, ate licorice and polished off some ice cream.  Ayeyiyi!
- Why does it seem like infertiles are the ones who always miscarry?  Isn't infertility enough of a struggle?  Why this too???
- And what causes "chromosomal abnormalities"?  I feel like it's a catch-all phrase they use when they don't know what went wrong.  Why are people having these chromosomal abnormalities in the first place???  How come that isn't being studied???
- Should I see a counsellor?  If so, who would I see in a small community where I, too, am a counsellor?
- How do DH and I support one another during this time?  (That will be a whole other post!)
- What if there was some mistake in the ultrasounds and I WAS still pregnant.  What if I drink alcohol and the baby is affected.  But I want a drink SO BAD right now!
- I'm never attending a baby shower again!
- I am deleting my facebook account (already announced it... will officially do it later this week).
- I am no longer helping others in need, apart from what I do for my job to get paid.  People can look after themselves from now on.
- I want to sell our house.  It was bought on so many hopes that have now died.  Even if we do have children, the way I hoped for it to happen has not happened.  I feel like this house is a reminder of those hopes that never came true.
- I wish I could go back to being young and naive again.
- I don't know what I want to do with myself right now.  There is absolutely nothing that I can think of that would make me happy right now.  I want to get out of here, to go away this weekend.  But I don't even know if I would enjoy that in actuality.  I feel like I can't enjoy anything right now.
- I feel like I am dead inside.

The Diagnosis

Wednesday April 11, 2012 - 6:00pm

Today we went to our OB for our official diagnosis.  Actually our OB was away, so we met a new doctor at the clinic.  I felt like I knew how the visit was going to go, and there were no surprises.  We were told that there was a gestational sac measuring at 5 weeks with a yolk sac, but no fetal pole or no heart rate.  Basically, there was no fetus.  This is called a blighted ovum.

I came prepared with a bunch of questions because I knew I wouldn't remember when there.  Here are the questions I asked with the doctor's answers:

Q: Is it possible that we just could not see the fetus at this stage... if it was hidden or just small?
A: It is not likely.  At this stage (7 week, 5 days) there should be a fetal pole at least.

Q: How long will we have to wait for a natural miscarriage?
A: It could take up to a month for it to start naturally, sometimes a bit longer.

Q: What are the options for miscarriage?
A: First, have a natural miscarriage and wait for the cramping and bleeding to start.  Second, take medication (misoprostal) to begin uterine contractions and do an endometrial biopsy, which can trigger the placenta to bleed out.  Third, have a D&C (this is never something I would consider unless absolutely necessary and I told him that).

Q: What can I expect with a miscarriage?
A: Miscarriages are different for everyone, but it will be like a heavy period.  It will start with cramping and then the bleeding will take place, likely for a week.  At some point you may pass the placenta, but it is hard to tell the difference between clots and the placenta.  If it was later in the pregnancy, there would be other considerations but with a 5-week size sac, it should be pretty straightforward.

Q: When will my system resume back to normal?
A: It will take about 4-6 weeks after the bleeding to have your next period.  Usually it takes place one month after the uterus has been emptied.  Most RE's like you to have one regular cycle period before resuming treatment.

Q: Do I continue to treat my body as if it is pregnant?  i.e. coffee, alcohol
A: Resume life as normal.  Continue normal activities.

Q: Why did this happen?  Does it mean something more is wrong?
A: When an embryo fails to develop, like in the case of a blighted ovum, it is likely due to a chromosomal abnormality.  25% of women have a miscarriage within the first 13 weeks of pregnancy.  After 13 weeks that percentage goes down to 2%.  Of the 25% who miscarry in the first trimester, studies have shown that 70% (I think this was the stat) are a result of chromosomal abnormality.  There is no reason to suggest anything else is wrong.

Q: Is it likely that we will miscarry again?
A: No.  Actually, your situation is what we would call a good prognosis.  You were diagnosed with unexplained infertility.  You were able to conceive on your first IUI.  A pregnancy was achieved, which shows that your egg and sperm are compatible.  You are young.  There is no reason to think you will not conceive again.

Q: Is it true that after a miscarriage there is a more likely chance of conceiving soon?
A: No, but even if you have to do IUI again it is likely that you will conceive.

And that was it.  We walked out feeling like it was just what we expected, yet saddened that there wasn't any hint of good news.  The part where I burst into tears was when the doctor said, "There's not likely to be a miracle in this case."  I believe in a God of miracles.  I believe in a God who heals the barren women.  Even if that doesn't happen to us, I believe it can.  And even science can't change that.

Divine Intervention: A story of faith

Tuesday, April 10th - 9:00 pm

Carrying on.  This is a long story, but I want to get all the details out.

I went back to work after the appointment and had 2 more clients to see.  Fortunately I was able to push my problems out of my mind and help out some others.  We had really good sessions.  Once I was done I was so ready to come home.  Only problem is that there was a church staff meeting at our house.  DH had told them he wasn't going to be there, so we hid out in the basement eating dinner and then we took off.  I just wanted to walk.  So we went to our favorite walking beach where you can just walk and walk and walk.  We took the dog along too (she is the most comfort anyone could ever ask for).  DH was still really upset.  He didn't even want to walk and so after a while he headed back but I needed to keep going.  All I could do was walk. 

As he was walking back to the car, I noticed another guy walking out from the parking lot.  I didn't think much of it until DH turned back and started walking with him.  Eventually I turned around and went to meet them.  When I saw who it was, I almost burst into tears. 

There is a wonderful guy from our church who has been such a friend to us over the past little while.  He is brilliant (has 2 degrees and went to Princeton University), compassionate, and just the most solid Christian I think I have ever met.  Of all of our friends, I think I would trust him the most when it comes to matters of faith.  He was the one who was walking on the beach - a completely empty beach apart from us.

Oh, I forgot to mention something.  Pretty much the whole drive to the beach, DH and I talked about our faith and (especially for him) how this rattles everything we have ever believed in.  In our anger/hurt/frustration we wanted to renounce the faith then and there.  However, DH kept coming back to the fact that it seemed like God kept putting things in our path that drew our attention back to him (his dad having a dream, the picture that my mom had, a sermon we listened to that talked about another infertile couple).  So faith was very much on our mind. 

Okay, back to the beach.  We all walked a bit together (came across a dead walrus... that was interesting), and eventually our friend kept going and we hung back.  We were going to just leave but our dog decided she wanted to keep going and followed our friend and basically ditched us.  So we hung around, walked a bit more and eventually he came back with our dog following.  What is interesting is if our dog had not followed him, we would have just left and never had this encounter.

DH and I had talked about telling our friend what was going on, because if we were feeling too weak to pray, we know that he would pray for us.  But as I was working up the courage to bring it up, he said this:

"Now, since it's Divine Intervention that we both happen to be walking at the beach at the same time, is there anything that I can pray for for you guys?"

I lost it.  I burst into tears.  We told him our story.  I told him that we didn't even have the faith to pray.  And he responded, "Well, that's why you have the Church, to help and hold you up when you can't do it yourself."  And he prayed for us. 

I don't know why this happened.  I don't know if this is another one of the "signs" that DH keeps thinking God is bringing across our path.  I don't know if this was just a message from God, reminding us that He is there with us right now.  I was kind of feeling like distancing God from everything that is happening.  I wanted to believe there is a God out there, who made things and rules things... but I don't want to believe that He is personally involved in our lives.  I'd rather just live with the fact that bad things happen to good and bad people, and good things happen to good and bad people.  There's no rhyme or reason for it.  But if God is intimately involved with our lives, and cares that we are struggling right now, I don't know how to deal with that.

worst day

I wrote a bunch of posts over the past few days and I'm going to post them throughout today now that I am ready to share our story.  They are long, but they are my thoughts and helped me to process what has happened

Tuesday, April 10th - 3:00 pm

Welcome to the worst day of my life.

It began at my ultrasound on Tuesday afternoon.  I went in hopeful and ready to have a quick ultrasound and head back to work, knowing the results would come later the next day.  I drank the required 1 litre of water an hour before my appointment.  DH met me and we checked in on time and waited.  By the time it was my turn (they were late) I could hardly walk due to the pain/pressure from the urine in my bladder.  DH was told he could not come in the room and that she would bring him in if there was something big enough to see.  So I went by myself.  When I went to lie on the table, I couldn’t even pull my legs up due to intense pressure in my bladder.  I begged to be able to let a little pee out, and she said okay.  Then it was much easier to lie down.  The technician was very friendly and explained every step thoroughly.  She started with an abdominal scan and was very thorough in checking my uterus and both ovaries.  She took dozens of photos.  She then said that she also wanted to do an internal scan and so I undressed and got ready.  I had thought this would be my first appointment where I didn’t have to take off my clothes… alas.  It was a bit different than at my fertility clinic, as she handed me the wand under the blanket and asked me to direct it in.  Once in there she poked around and took a bunch more pictures.  I was probably in there for 20 minutes.  Towards the end she told me some information. 

She said that everything was looking good… for a baby that is 5 ½ weeks along.  There was a gestational sac and a yolk sac, but she couldn’t see a baby.  I mentioned that last week it was only measuring 5 ½ weeks and so that probably meant it had stopped growing.  She said, “Well, you never know.” 

And that was it. 

Tomorrow our doctor will be able to compare both images, but we are not expecting good news.  I suspect it is a blighted ovum.  Fuck.

The worst was telling DH.  Somehow I knew that I would be the stronger one if this happened.  I didn’t even cry.  I just felt numb.  But DH lost it.  He wants to give up.  Everything.  He wants to quit his job.  He wants to move out of this town.  He doesn’t think he can go through this again.  He has a broken heart.

We had a name chosen for our firstborn child (if it was a boy).  DH doesn’t want us to use that name for any other babies.  If this baby dies, the name dies with it.  In actuality, the name represents the hope we have that we will ever have a child.  That hope has died.

I’ve read a bit about misdiagnosed blighted ovums and people who discover a healthy baby with a heartbeat at week 9 or 10.  I don’t think that is our case.  I think we will wait out a miscarriage.  That means our baby making will be put on hold for months.  That means my sister will go on to have a baby without me joining her. 

I don’t know what we will do from here.

I feel so finished.

I want to quit my job and lock myself away and never talk to anyone again.  And I can’t stand to see DH hurting so much.

Blighted Ovum

From Wikipedi:a: An anembryonic gestation (aka blighted ovum) is a pregnancy in which the very early pregnancy appears normal on an ultrasound scan, but as the pregnancy progresses a visible embryo never develops.

Blighted ovum.  This is our diagnosis.  Our baby has not grown, or never even formed in the first place.

And so we wait for a miscarriage to take its toll.

I'm writing a full detail of the accounts of the past few days, but I'm not ready to post it right now.  Thanks for the love that has been sent so far.  It means a lot to know that you guys care.  Thank you.

Not Good...

It's not looking good.

We haven't met with the doctor yet, but the ultrasound technician mentioned a few things.  She couldn't find a baby in the sac.  The sac is measuring right on schedule... for 5 1/2 weeks.  This means nothing has changed since the ultrasound last week.  We find out today if there have been any changes since a week ago.  It sounds to me like a blighted ovum.  I've read lots of stories where these are misdiagnosed, but I don't think that's our luck.

I wrote up a big post, but I'll post everything once we have more answers.  We are not doing okay.  I don't know what more to say right now. 

Today

Today is the day of our second ultrasound.  However, we don't find out the results until tomorrow.  I'm not even sure if we will be able to see our little baby on the screen at all.

I was doing fine for the weekend, but now that I am back at work I am majorly stressed out and trying to hold it all together.  It didn't help that when I talked to the lady at my doctor's office to see if they were going to check the heartbeat, she said called it a viability ultrasound.  Viability!  To me that assumes that they think it is not viable to start with. 

3 more hours to get through till the appointment.  And then I'm back to work for 4 more hours!  And then we don't have our doctor appointment until 3:00 tomorrow!!!  I don't know how I'm going to make it. 

In good news, I had my first tiny bout of morning sickness today.  I didn't puke, but I dry heaved a fair amount.  The only thing is, I'm not feeling any of my other regular symptoms (sore boobs, fatigue, bloating).  Oh the agony!  I'll be sure to update if there is anything to update tonight. 

Maternity shopping

I went shopping today.  I shouldn't have.  I was just fed up with my weight.  After months of fertility drugs I started off my last cycle above my regular weight.  Since our IUI (March 1st), I have been taking it really easy and not pushing myself too hard.  Since our BFP, low HcG and quesionnable ultrasound, I have been taking it even more easy.  I'm still going for walks every day but I cut out going to the gym, or going jogging or any other high cardio activity.  I tried yoga 2 or 3 times but that is about it.  Add to that my fatigue and exhaustion and most days I prefer having a nap to doing any activity.  Add to that my fear of morning sickness and so my constant snacking habits and worry of making sure I am getting in all the right nutrients.  Add to that the extreme bloating that I have been experiencing for the past few weeks that makes me look like I should be 4-5 months along!  I do also feel like my uterus is taking shape and like I can see a definition that wasn't there before... not sure if that is in my head but I hope it's a growing baby and growing home for that baby.

All that to say, my clothes are not fitting me right!  I know it is way too early and that I shouldn't be needing to alter my wardrobe yet... but I do.  Yesterday I tried on 5 outfits to try to find something acceptable to wear to church.  I constantly feel like I need to suck in so that people won't ask me if I am pregnant.  And jeans have become the most uncomfortable thing EVER!  As soon as I get home I change into my yoga or "I give up on life" pants.  And then I'm happy. 

So my mom picked up a few pairs of yoga pants for me for an Easter present.  One of them didn't fit quite right, so I went today to see if I could exchange it.  I found another great pair, and then a pair of capris.  Even though they are yoga wear I feel like I could almost dress them up a bit for when summer comes and wear them to work on more casual days.  I also popped over to Winners.  I don't know what came over me, but I had my most successful shop at Winners ever!  I never find things there.  I found another pair of yoga pants (that are quite stylish), two tops (that hide my growing belly nicely), a pair of pant/leggings that will look great with a long shirt overtop) AND a grey striped cotton summer skirt that can be worn folded over as a skirt or as a sleeveless dress.  I bought them all!  I tried to make sure that they were clothes that I liked and would wear if this pregnancy does not work out but I couldn't help sticking out my belly (which was quite bloated today) and imagining wearing them with a real baby belly inside.  Oh I really hope I'm not jinxing myself here. 

I'm in a super organizing mode and just want to go home and reorganize my wardrobe and pack away all those clothes that just don't fit.  But I'm at work and need to put in a couple of hours before I can go home... 

Tell me I'm not crazy, please! 

For Fun

First of all, I found this hilarious blog post that I wanted to share.  Enjoy!

http://blog.almostadad.com/2007/07/why-pregnant-women-yell-at-you.html

Secondly, I took some pictures of my recent home endeavors and wanted to share them here for something other than fertility talk. 

Here are some pictures of the new pillows I made with my wonderful sewing machine.  I hope to start working on a baby quilt for my sister soon. 

And here are some pics of the process of making homemade laundry detergent.  It is SO easy, and much more environmentally friendly and affordable.  If anyone would like the recipe, this is all it is:
- 1 bar of shaved bar soap (I use Ivory and grate it with a cheese grater)
- 1/2 cup borax
- 1/2 cup washing soda
All you do is stir and stir and stir until it is very fine and mixed well together.  I do about 6 batches at once and that fills up a bit more than half of an ice cream pail.   Then, use 2 tsp per load of laundry!  My laundry is fresh and clean and the colors have stayed in all my clothes.  I love it.  

Lastly, here are the cinnamon buns I made yesterday.  They were soooo yummy!  I only had one, since I'm trying to watch my sugar intake, but they are definitely the best I have ever made. 

Grumbles

I forgot about a symptom that just started in the past few days.  I am extremely grumbly!  DH has nicknamed me Baby Grumbles.  He actually thinks it is cute, which is quite nice.  I haven't been super emotional, crying and everything. But the grumbles and crankiness has set in.  I had a dream last night that all these people were at my house, using things in the kitchen that I had planned to use for dinner and I was sooooo cranky at them.  I woke up and I was in the most foul mood!  After taking the dog for a walk I realized that I wasn't shaking the feeling and so I chose to skip church this morning and stay home. It was the right choice.  I ended up sleeping for two more hours!  I guess I needed it.  I'm hoping that's a good sign that little baby grumble is growing lots.  Today my head has been kind of in a fog and I've just laid low.  I still feel like I could sleep more even.  It's been quite nice and I'm hoping we can go for a little walk to the ocean later.  Oh, and I made some delicious looking cinnamon buns.  Mmm!  The day has turned out to be not so grumbly after all.

7 Weeks!

Well, today marks the official "7 week" stretch, according to when we had our IUI (though only 6 weeks and 5 days since my LMP). 

I don't feel as pregnant as I think I should be.  This is my greatest concern right now.  Right after we found out we were pregnant, and especially when we did our first few betas, I mainly felt a lot of exhaustion.  This past week, I have made it through without being as tired as I think I should be.  Maybe that's just pure determination to get through the week.  I've been sleeping better through the nights and so I haven't been napping and I have even "stayed up" (till 10:30) a few times.  I don't have to pee any more than I did before I was pregnant.  My boobs are hardly sore.  I haven't puked once!  I still have had a bit of heartburn, but not much else.  Today was the first day my stomach just felt kind of squishy and off all day.  I had to make myself eat because nothing was really appealing.  I just feel like if this baby is growing, the symptoms should be increasing.  That just seems to make sense.  However, I have read lots online about symptoms coming and going, and some people having none at all at this stage.  Maybe I'm just lucky?

The wait till Tuesday seems so long!  And it's actually not until Wednesday that we meet with the doctor to find out the results of the ultrasound.  I'm worried.  I've been passed off to the local OB office, but my regular doctor is away so it's someone I haven't met (I do hear he is great though).  I'm worried they will just look at the size and growth, and not check the heartbeat.  I really, really want to know if there is a heartbeat!  I should just call my clinic to see about that.  I'm also worried that this ultrasound will still be inconclusive and we'll be left waiting again.  Ugh!  I don't think DH could stand it!

I'm not sure exactly why, but this period of waiting is somehow different than our other waits.  DH and I are both so unmotivated.  We don't want to be around people at all.  DH says that everyone just pisses him off right now.  I don't think we've ever been in a situation quite like this, and we really don't know what to do with ourselves!  We are going through the motions of life, but everything seems meaningless.  Without really meaning to, I think we have been preparing for the worst.  The part that I think I would hate most is just the period of having to wait before we try again.  As much as I hope this baby is alive inside of me, I don't think I'm too attached yet... I don't really believe it is true.  DH thinks I'm wrong and that I would mourn way more than I think.  I'm more worried about DH.  He has so much hope that this will work and if it doesn't I think he will be devastated.  Also, I think I would be sad because this would mean there is more "wrong" with us, than just not being able to conceive.  If we have troubles conceiving on our own, AND carrying a baby on our own, the chances are much slimmer.  I really had hoped this was the end of our road.

Anyways, those are my Debbie downer thoughts for the day.

And, here's something to end this post on a lighter note.  Another uncomfortable symptom that I have been having is CRAZY bloating!  I actually get bloated on a regular basis, but with this pregnancy it is magnified.  This is a picture of me yesterday in the morning, and then before bed.  As the day progresses, my bloat is out of control!  I have to be careful because people will really think I am pregnant if they see what I look like.

Work, shmork.

Did I mention that at church on Sunday someone asked me point blank if I was pregnant?  And no, it was not because of anything I was wearing that emphasized my bloated belly.  I asked her where she had got such a notion, and she said she heard a rumour that I had "a glow."  What?!?  There is only one lady in the church whom I have told about us (the sweet older pastor's wife) and I am sure she would not have mentioned anything!  Unless maybe she hinted at something, and the rumour just grew.  Anyways, it was quite awkward.  I laughed and shrugged it off and lied saying that I wasn't.  I hardly know this lady and she did admit that she was just being nosy.  But still...! 

I don't know how I'm going to make it through the next few weeks.  I am consumed by thoughts of this growing baby.  I hate going to work, and I hate being at work... even though I know I do love my job.  I have no desire to be here.  I just want to lie in bed and go for walks.  I wish, wish, wish that I could just quit and do nothing.  I've never felt so demotivated in my life.  This is NOT normal for me.  I don't know how I am going to get through.  Maybe once there is more certainty, I'll be able to yield to the enjoyment of pregnancy and resume life as normal.  Maybe?

I have my first midwife appointment today.  It was scheduled a while ago and they are quite busy and won't be able to see me for a while, so I would rather go now, even with the uncertainty.  Maybe they'll have some insight that will help ease my mind.  I also got in touch with the local OB here, since my fertility doctor has handed me over to be monitored here so I don't have to keep making the 3-hour trek.  They have sent my referral for an ultrasound for next week and once that is set up, I will make an appointment with the OB as well.  Whew! 

From all the reading I've done online, it doesn't seem to be a huge deal if a baby is measuring slightly off this early in the game.  They often catch up within a few weeks.  The bigger problem arises if there is no heartbeat detected.  I just feel like our little guy is going to be alright.  I could be wrong though but that is something I don't really want to face yet. 

"Still pregnant...but..." Or " The Emotional Roller Coaster Continues"

As you can see from the title of this post, today did not go exactly as hoped. 

We got to see our little one for the first time today.  All that we really saw was a tiny sac with a tiny pole inside.  The thing is, the sac is measuring a week smaller than it should be.  It measured right around the 5 1/2 week mark, our doctor said.  As of today, we are 6 weeks, 4 days past the IUI.  I think it's just the doctors job, but he told us that this likely means that we will have a miscarriage.  Well, he did say it wasn't completely hopeless, and that sometimes the growth catches up, but I think he sees more cases end in miscarriage and his job is to prepare us for the worst.  The only reason he could give for it would be a possible chromosomal abnormality, which I think is just a catch-all answer doctors use when they have no explanation for it. 

The hardest part was that this was not at all what I expected!  I expected to either see a healthy baby, or not.  We are really grateful that it is not an ectopic (that was our doctors big worry) but this really doesn't answer anything for us.  I've done a tiny bit of research since we came home, and sometimes they can just be slow growing at first and still be okay.  Also, if I did ovulate a few days later than he thought (I had ovulation pains 2 days after the IUI), couldn't it have implanted later and put us behind schedule?  Well I don't think too much speculation can help, and so the ride continues and we wait till next week for another ultrasound. 

It seems like it's been a tough week in the IF blog world.  I really hoped to cheer up things with some good news. 

Any tips on how to get this baby to grow, grow, grow???