Yesterday I had a good day again. It was super productive, and a gorgeous sunny day.
Today I skipped church and stayed home to finish things around the house. I can't bring myself to be around people yet. It's this weird catch-22. One on hand, I want to tell people what we are going through so that I don't feel so alone in my suffering. On the other hand, I can't handle the stupid comments I KNOW people will say. Even the well meaning ones just hurt. For example, the most common comment I have gotten so far (and we've only told really close people) is, "Well, at least you know you CAN get pregnant." I know that... but that does not in any way ease the pain we're in right now! As one blogger said, you wouldn't tell a widow at a funeral, "Well, there's plenty of fish in the sea and I'm sure you'll have another chance again soon." The feelings DO parallel.
It's also hard for me to be around people because I don't feel like smiling and pretending I'm okay... yet I don't want to share our struggle with just anyone. So I'm worried I'll just look like a jerk, ignoring people, not participating in conversations, and not taking the time to ask others how they are doing. I know I shouldn't worry about this, but I think that is something deep in me that I'm sensitive about. So I'd rather just avoid people right now. (Unfortunately tonight I can't because it's our young adults bible study at our home, which is why I'm venting this all out now, beforehand).
I also feel it's hard to talk about our pending misarriage without bringing up our whole back story, and I'm not sure I want everyone to know about that yet. Maybe after the miscarriage I'll be able to talk about it just like a miscarriage, which I know many others have faced. But this miscarriage is tied to so much more for me. I don't know how to separate it from the struggle with infertility that has plagued us for years.
I dread going to work tomorrow. I know that once I'm there and in session, I'll be okay. The thought of getting up and facing work is just torturous to me right now.
*Sigh*
Sometimes you just have to be alone to take everything in and figure things out for yourself. Just promise me you will reach out when you are ready. That is a difficult thing for a lot of us. Asking for help even if it's just someone to listen.
ReplyDeleteI had trouble being around people at the beginning of my miscarriage also. I got the exact comments and people just don't get it. It does get better, I never thought it would but it does. The pain will always be with you but it does get better. I hope that things go well tonight and you tell people when you feel that you are ready to tell people, it may help to talk about it. I told people at work, kind of had to, and they were so understanding. I'll be thinking of you.
ReplyDelete