worst day

I wrote a bunch of posts over the past few days and I'm going to post them throughout today now that I am ready to share our story.  They are long, but they are my thoughts and helped me to process what has happened

Tuesday, April 10th - 3:00 pm

Welcome to the worst day of my life.

It began at my ultrasound on Tuesday afternoon.  I went in hopeful and ready to have a quick ultrasound and head back to work, knowing the results would come later the next day.  I drank the required 1 litre of water an hour before my appointment.  DH met me and we checked in on time and waited.  By the time it was my turn (they were late) I could hardly walk due to the pain/pressure from the urine in my bladder.  DH was told he could not come in the room and that she would bring him in if there was something big enough to see.  So I went by myself.  When I went to lie on the table, I couldn’t even pull my legs up due to intense pressure in my bladder.  I begged to be able to let a little pee out, and she said okay.  Then it was much easier to lie down.  The technician was very friendly and explained every step thoroughly.  She started with an abdominal scan and was very thorough in checking my uterus and both ovaries.  She took dozens of photos.  She then said that she also wanted to do an internal scan and so I undressed and got ready.  I had thought this would be my first appointment where I didn’t have to take off my clothes… alas.  It was a bit different than at my fertility clinic, as she handed me the wand under the blanket and asked me to direct it in.  Once in there she poked around and took a bunch more pictures.  I was probably in there for 20 minutes.  Towards the end she told me some information. 

She said that everything was looking good… for a baby that is 5 ½ weeks along.  There was a gestational sac and a yolk sac, but she couldn’t see a baby.  I mentioned that last week it was only measuring 5 ½ weeks and so that probably meant it had stopped growing.  She said, “Well, you never know.” 

And that was it. 

Tomorrow our doctor will be able to compare both images, but we are not expecting good news.  I suspect it is a blighted ovum.  Fuck.

The worst was telling DH.  Somehow I knew that I would be the stronger one if this happened.  I didn’t even cry.  I just felt numb.  But DH lost it.  He wants to give up.  Everything.  He wants to quit his job.  He wants to move out of this town.  He doesn’t think he can go through this again.  He has a broken heart.

We had a name chosen for our firstborn child (if it was a boy).  DH doesn’t want us to use that name for any other babies.  If this baby dies, the name dies with it.  In actuality, the name represents the hope we have that we will ever have a child.  That hope has died.

I’ve read a bit about misdiagnosed blighted ovums and people who discover a healthy baby with a heartbeat at week 9 or 10.  I don’t think that is our case.  I think we will wait out a miscarriage.  That means our baby making will be put on hold for months.  That means my sister will go on to have a baby without me joining her. 

I don’t know what we will do from here.

I feel so finished.

I want to quit my job and lock myself away and never talk to anyone again.  And I can’t stand to see DH hurting so much.