I don't feel as pregnant as I think I should be. This is my greatest concern right now. Right after we found out we were pregnant, and especially when we did our first few betas, I mainly felt a lot of exhaustion. This past week, I have made it through without being as tired as I think I should be. Maybe that's just pure determination to get through the week. I've been sleeping better through the nights and so I haven't been napping and I have even "stayed up" (till 10:30) a few times. I don't have to pee any more than I did before I was pregnant. My boobs are hardly sore. I haven't puked once! I still have had a bit of heartburn, but not much else. Today was the first day my stomach just felt kind of squishy and off all day. I had to make myself eat because nothing was really appealing. I just feel like if this baby is growing, the symptoms should be increasing. That just seems to make sense. However, I have read lots online about symptoms coming and going, and some people having none at all at this stage. Maybe I'm just lucky?
The wait till Tuesday seems so long! And it's actually not until Wednesday that we meet with the doctor to find out the results of the ultrasound. I'm worried. I've been passed off to the local OB office, but my regular doctor is away so it's someone I haven't met (I do hear he is great though). I'm worried they will just look at the size and growth, and not check the heartbeat. I really, really want to know if there is a heartbeat! I should just call my clinic to see about that. I'm also worried that this ultrasound will still be inconclusive and we'll be left waiting again. Ugh! I don't think DH could stand it!
I'm not sure exactly why, but this period of waiting is somehow different than our other waits. DH and I are both so unmotivated. We don't want to be around people at all. DH says that everyone just pisses him off right now. I don't think we've ever been in a situation quite like this, and we really don't know what to do with ourselves! We are going through the motions of life, but everything seems meaningless. Without really meaning to, I think we have been preparing for the worst. The part that I think I would hate most is just the period of having to wait before we try again. As much as I hope this baby is alive inside of me, I don't think I'm too attached yet... I don't really believe it is true. DH thinks I'm wrong and that I would mourn way more than I think. I'm more worried about DH. He has so much hope that this will work and if it doesn't I think he will be devastated. Also, I think I would be sad because this would mean there is more "wrong" with us, than just not being able to conceive. If we have troubles conceiving on our own, AND carrying a baby on our own, the chances are much slimmer. I really had hoped this was the end of our road.
Anyways, those are my Debbie downer thoughts for the day.
And, here's something to end this post on a lighter note. Another uncomfortable symptom that I have been having is CRAZY bloating! I actually get bloated on a regular basis, but with this pregnancy it is magnified. This is a picture of me yesterday in the morning, and then before bed. As the day progresses, my bloat is out of control! I have to be careful because people will really think I am pregnant if they see what I look like.
I am sorry that this is a stressful time for you & your DH! I have my next u/s on Wednesday too and am very nervous. I hope that Tues/Wed arrive fast for both of us and we hear/see great news!!
ReplyDeleteI totally know what you and your hubby are feeling. With my second pregnancy we went for an ultrasound around 6 weeks 2 days and all they saw was an empty gestational sac measuring 5 days. I was devastated. For me, although I tried to hold onto hope, I knew that things weren't going well. They should have been able to see something - fetal pole, heartbeat etc. I can only hope you don't face the same situation as I did. You definitely have a lot more to hold onto!
ReplyDeleteAs far as blaming yourself and thinking that there is more wrong - don't! I had 2 miscarriages after dealing with IF. In both situations my dr's told me that they were just 'bad luck'. Nothing was necessarily associated to the IF. I think what is harder when you have had to do ART and deal with IF a loss is just that much more compounded. Not that it doesn't hurt those who got pregnant on their first try any less, but for us the wounds are just that much deeper. I never thought I would survive 1 loss - let alone 2 when I dealt with a year of TTC ... I did.
You too...no matter the outcome...will survive. I hope that things will work in your favour on Tuesday and will check like mad to see if there is an update.
*hugs*
Deep breath, darlin. I'm still going with a late bloomer and hanging on to good results on Tuesday. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. It has got to be hard not feeling symptoms when you should. Though I have heard of people who don't have many symptoms at all. Including my cousin. You are not bleeding or cramping so today you are pregnant. Take it one day at a time. Keeping you, your Hubby and your little one in my thoughts and prayers.
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