Wednesday, April 11th - 8:40 p.m.
I'm finding it hard to formulate cohesive thoughts right now. Some of the comments written have made me cry. I know you understand what I am going through. I can't describe how great that is. Right now I just want to hide myself away from anyone and everyone I know. I don't know why. I kind of feel ashamed, but in a strange way. It's not that I'm ashamed of anything I have done or how my body works... it just feels shameful somehow.
Anyways, here are the random thoughts floating around in my mind. Since I can't write fully, I'll put them in point term:
- I haven't had any symptoms today, and barely any yesterday. I wonder if my body is realizing it's not "really" pregnant and if this means I'll miscarry sooner.
- I have to call the midwives, and also my ND (who will be so sad). Who else do I need to let know?
- What am I going to do about the cards I sent my sister and brother? Do I tell them to get rid of them without opening them? When should I tell them?
- Now I can't be pregnant with my sister. That sucks! What sucks even more is that they are coming to visit and DH and I will be the only "childless" coupe (and we're the oldest). That is going to be the worst.
- I don't want to be friends with any of our friends who have kids anymore. Like, not at all.
- What if I miscarry while we are on vacation (starting a week from Monday)?
- My plan is now all ruined. My job finishes in September. That timing lined up perfectly... now what will I do? I need to work to be able to pay our mortgage. I recently got approved to become a certified counsellor and I could get more hours at the place where I am working a half day right now... BUT I DON'T WANT TO. Being pregnant was the perfect excuse out. I only wanted to work there till I had a baby. If I'm not having a baby now, I don't want to work there. But what will I do? How will I get out of my commitment. All I want to do with my life is be a mom! I don't want to work anymore!!!
- I am totally skipping church on Sunday.
- Should I return some of the "comfy" clothes I bought the other day?
- Eww, what about my weight? I have no drive to lose weight, but I can't handle being this heavy without being pregnant. I feel disgusting. I don't want to lose a bunch of weight just to gain it back again if we DO get pregnant again. Ahhhhhhh!!!!!
- When will we even have a chance of getting pregnant again? If we miscarry by mid-May, then we should be back to cycle by mid-June. Maybe we could do an IUI in July?
- DH doesn't even know if he can go through it again. I don't either. Yet I can't give up the idea of having our own kid... especially if there is a chance it is possible.
- I've been sitting in my bed for the past two hours. I've drank a large slurpee, a cup of tea, ate licorice and polished off some ice cream. Ayeyiyi!
- Why does it seem like infertiles are the ones who always miscarry? Isn't infertility enough of a struggle? Why this too???
- And what causes "chromosomal abnormalities"? I feel like it's a catch-all phrase they use when they don't know what went wrong. Why are people having these chromosomal abnormalities in the first place??? How come that isn't being studied???
- Should I see a counsellor? If so, who would I see in a small community where I, too, am a counsellor?
- How do DH and I support one another during this time? (That will be a whole other post!)
- What if there was some mistake in the ultrasounds and I WAS still pregnant. What if I drink alcohol and the baby is affected. But I want a drink SO BAD right now!
- I'm never attending a baby shower again!
- I am deleting my facebook account (already announced it... will officially do it later this week).
- I am no longer helping others in need, apart from what I do for my job to get paid. People can look after themselves from now on.
- I want to sell our house. It was bought on so many hopes that have now died. Even if we do have children, the way I hoped for it to happen has not happened. I feel like this house is a reminder of those hopes that never came true.
- I wish I could go back to being young and naive again.
- I don't know what I want to do with myself right now. There is absolutely nothing that I can think of that would make me happy right now. I want to get out of here, to go away this weekend. But I don't even know if I would enjoy that in actuality. I feel like I can't enjoy anything right now.
- I feel like I am dead inside.
Your words bring me back to how I felt after my ectopic pregnancy last year. My one yr anniversary is coming up next week and everything you feel is what I felt...just a different circumstance. I also understand the feeling of shame because I felt like a failure after multiple m/c and esp. after the ectopic. I shut down for a while because I was numb from the trauma and then anger set it and I wrestled with my faith. As a counselor, I sought counseling, but it didn't help me. It may be different for you depending on who you meet with. I gave up and starting reading books. Disappointment with God by Philip Yancey helped me more than the counseling sessions. I'm adding you to my blog roll and will keep you in prayer.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much Liz. It is so great to know I'm not the only one who has felt this way.
DeleteI'm so sorry you have to even think of any of these questions. It really is so unfair. Take some comfort in knowing that as horrible as you feel, everything you are feeling and thinking is 'normal' for right now. I honestly believe that with a miscarriage, no matter how early or what type, you need to go through the stages of grief. It's so different for everyone, so I don't know if this will even help you, but this is something that helped me get through it. First in regards to the cards, I'd ask for them to save them for you. It took me many, many months, but once I got out of my depressive state I wanted EVERYTHING that had to do with my pregnancy. Ever card I sent or received, every picture, the flowers, everything. I'm so glad I have those things now. At the time, I couldn't look at a single thing, but now I can't imagine not having them. Also, one random day about 3 months afterwards, I went for a random run and I loved the feeling. I wans't good at it, nor did I get far, but for those few minutes....I don't know, I just felt....I don't know how to explain it. But it was the only time I wasn't crying and sad. So I started running more, and found it a great motivator to get up each day and have something to look forward to. Running may not be your thing, but something is, you just have to find it. Keeping you in my thoughts. Not that there's much I can do, but if you need someone to talk to I'm here. Stay strong. xxxx
ReplyDeleteThanks for the suggestions to hold on to the memories of this event, no matter how painful it is right now. Also I went to the gym yesterday and it felt so good!
DeleteRight now the most important thing you can do is focus on YOU! You need to do whatever it is that makes you feel good. Some days, that may be sitting on the couch watching silly movies, others it may be walking by the beach. Whatever it is - just do it!
ReplyDeleteI found that each day I gave myself one task I had to complete - whatever it was - I had to do it. So that way, if I just wanted to sit on the couch, I wouldn't feel guilty. If it was doing laundry, going for a 30 min walk, dishes, whatever...I had to complete that one task. It was easy - given it was only one. Then I didn't perpetuate the depression by feeling depressed for not being able to do anything around the home. I would start by that.
Don't react too quickly on anything. Your home is still the home that you can fill your dreams with. You and your hubby will have the family you wanted - it just not be the way you had hoped. Everything will happen in time...in some way.
Give yourself time to grieve this pregnancy and don't jump into getting pregnant again too fast. I did this and I don't think I was emotionally or physically ready yet. Make sure you are completely ready before going through it again. Not saying it would happen to you but if another loss were to happen, it hurts 100 times worse. You need to ensure you are prepared for anything before trying again.
You will get through this. Focus on doing things for yourself and not on doing things to be a mom. Once you find yourself again, the universe will provide.
My thoughts are with you!
I appreciate the suggestions not to act rashly right now. That's all I want to do, but I do see the wisdom in letting things settle. Also, I am excited to take a break and allow ourselves time to heal.
DeleteBreathe. I know this sucks. It's the worst feeling in the world but remember this: It gets easier. The worst thing you can do right now is try to make decisions. Even small ones like whether to return clothes. It's the hardest thing to do right now but try to BE GOOD TO YOURSELF. This heady-explodey thing will go away. You will find clarity. This will get better.
ReplyDeleteSending lots of love your way.
Everything you feel is normal. All of it. The shame, the fear, the wanting out, the wanting away from others. Normal and ridiculously unfair.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to quit my job, sell my house, move out of the country and pretend we were 21 and young and free and fearless without any of this gunk and pain. Please don't make the decisions now. I had a similar work thing around my first due date, but somehow it worked out. You will have to make choices, but not now. Right now try not to worry about the card to your sister or anyone else for that matter. Take care of yourself in the most basic ways.
I wish I could hug you and cry with you and pour a glass of wine with you. Like others have mentioned, this phase will pass but in the mean time if you need to lock yourself in your bedroom with icecream and tissues, do it.
Thinking of you.
Yes, please come for a glass of wine. :)
DeleteInfertiles aren't the only ones who miscarry. The more people I tell about our fertility struggle the more I hear from people about their miscarriages. I don't know if that is helpful to know or not.
ReplyDeleteAll of your feelings sound normal, if awful and painful... I do think seeing a counselor may probably be helpful. If your town is too small maybe you can talk to a counselor over the phone? I wonder if there are phone-only grief counselors.
You know this but give yourselves time and permission to grieve and heal.
HUGS.
I have thought a lot of the things you wrote. Most recently the selling the house thing. After our 3rd failed IUI I felt the same way. We bought this house with the thought of filling it with kids.
ReplyDeleteKeeping you and your Hubby in my thoughts and prayers. Take care of you and each other. Give yourself all the time you need to grieve. Seeing a counselor might be a good idea. I am being helped a ton. Hugz!