I'm Back!

Hello!  I'm back from a little weekend get-away and getting settled in for the week.  Since we had originally booked a longer holiday, I have today off and the house to myself.  This is a rare occasion and I am definitely making the most of it!  House is cleaned, bread is rising, espresso has been drunk, and I'm soon about to pull out my sewing machine and listen to some tunes.

Our trip was nice.  It was not anything groundbreaking, but I think the time was good to help us process and settle with where we are at.  On the way to Tofino, I started to get anxiety and almost was having a panic attack.  There was something about leaving home, and going somewhere with no distractions around that just got to me.  I had a good cry in the car and once we arrived I felt much better.  We didn't really talk about things while we were there.  We had a few little discussions, and I shed a few more tears.  Mostly we just watched TV, cuddled, strolled on the beach and played with our dog.  We had some good weather, so that was so nice!  Coming back I started to get panicky again.  The thought of seeing all the people in our lives is tough.  Most people don't know what we're going on, so it's hard to be "hiding something" this big.  At the same time, we don't feel ready to hear all the insensitive and stupid comments if we did tell most people (especially because we work a lot with young adults, who just think they know it all and haven't experienced any real grief or hardships yet).  Even seeing my parents is tough.  On one hand, I crave their support and affection.  But on the other hand, I don't want to be pitied.  I know they wouldn't try to pity us... but it's not like they can act like nothing has happened either.  It's a hard place to be.

Last night, once we were home, we were killing some time and went for a walk.  Somehow being home again opened our voices and we talked and talked and talked.  It was nice.  We spent some time praying.  I heard how DH is really doing and feeling about things.  We even discussed adoption, which is something we have never discussed so far.  DH might be taking a trip to Cambodia this summer with our church.  He wants to bring back a child, hehe.  Unfortunately, Cambodia is not open to adoptions due to corruption and human trafficking, but it was neat for us to talk about it.

I still haven't started to miscarry.  I'm wondering when it will be.  I'm feeling like I count as a missed miscarriage by this point, but I don't know.  I'm worried because next week I leave for a conference for work.  I do not want to have anything happen while I'm away from DH! 

And so, there's a little catch-up on my life.  I know it is National Infertility Awareness Week.  I am still figuring out how I want to participate but it is on my radar.  I am thinking of starting a new blog for close friends and family, and I "may" come out with our story there.  I have to talk to DH about that.  Oh, and I deactivated my Facebook account and created a new one for just close friends and family.  That feels SOOOO GOOD!  Thanks for checking in on me.