Countdown is on.

Sorry for the suspense since my last post. I got "it" the next day and didn't have the heart to respond. It was a full week late, which has never happened in my memory. It sucked. And it meant that I definitely will not be pregnant before I turn 30 - which is tomorrow (and that was a big deal for me). Not only have I been freaking out about the upcoming event, but that same day I got my period was the day of the big earthquake/tsunami in Japan. And ever since then there has been a nuclear crisis growing. It's been an intense few weeks, and I have had so much mulling around in my mind, but have found it hard to put into words. I still don't feel like I can describe how I am feeling. It has shaken me up and I am questioning everything and feeling hopeless, but without much choice but to move on. And now it's the eve of my 30th birthday.

I feel numb. I don't want my birthday to come. But since I know it has to come, I want it to be fantastically special, and I don't think it will. I went to Vancouver on the weekend to spend time with my girlfriends. It was a great day and I felt special and loved and we even had a great talk over coffee about everything that is going on. But it didn't fix anything. And I know that we are going to New York in a few weeks and that is to be my big birthday celebration. I know I'll be excited for it when it comes. But I just have a hard time finding joy "in the moment" these days. Even when I am happy and smiling, I have a sadness in my soul that will not go away. I don't know how to make it go away.

So we've planned a dinner/dessert even for tomorrow night. On one hand I want it to happen because I do want to feel special on such an important day (I'm really into celebrating the significance of days, and having this birthday be my 30th birthday on the 30th of March is significant!). On the other hand, I don't even want people to know it is my birthday and that I am turning 30. I am not at peace with it. Why, then, would I want to celebrate with people?

I suppose I'll just suck it up and make it through the day. Nothing outward will really have changed. It's just an ever-growing crisis of faith and identity growing within soul... And the countdown is on.

The Joy is in the Journey

"The Joy is in the journey." That is a phrase my mom used to say that her father taught her. Basically it means that the destination is not always the main point of the journey; sometimes we are required to find joy without having reached our anticipated destination. I have tried to hold true to this phrase, but found it exceedingly hard considering the circumstances. I still trust in God. I still worship God. I see God as the maker of all things, as all-powerful, all knowing, and as in charge of all of life. I see Him as the creator. I see him as the King. But this does not mean that I can always put on a "happy face" and pretend my troubles don't exist. I think the Church has done too much of that throughout the past 100 years, which is why we are often seen as hypocrites. On the other hand, I don't think it is right to bemoan our sad state - why would anyone want to come follow Jesus if his followers were a bunch of whiny, mopey Debbie-downers. I just don't know what it means to find joy in my journey right now. I am trying. Oh am I trying so hard! Still, the feelings of hopelessness and discouragement have come. I feel like if I just spent enough time reading my Bible, or listening to worship music, or praying, they would magically go away. But I don't think that is the point. I'm not sure what this journey has to teach me. I am trying to be open.

All God's testings have a purpose - Someday you will see the light;
All He asks is that you trust him, Walk by faith and not by sight. (Zoller)

And still no period to show for anything... though I was up in the night with achey muscles, sore throat and a headache - feeling like I would definitely get "it" in the morning. But, I did not. So now we play the waiting game. I'll try another pregnancy test on the weekend if it doesn't come by then (today is day 34 so we'll give it at least a week of being late). And then I'll plan a doctor's appointment for next week. The waiting part seriously sucks, but I'm trying to live life as "normal" until we know otherwise.

Oh the agony...

Well, woke up this morning to a BIG FAT NEGATIVE! I didn't really think it would be positive, but still it was disappointing. But no period yet. Then I got to work and discovered just the slightest amount of spotting. So slight it was hardly noticeable, but spotting nonetheless. I don't think I resigned myself to the fact that my P might be coming because I still kept hope. Throughout the day I felt pretty normal. I had a bit of a headache and indigestion feeling this afternoon. And this evening my stomach has not felt "right" (bloated, but wanting to eat, sick feeling at the thought of some foods). Again I don't know how much is in my head. And now, the day is almost over and I still have not got it. I had another small twinge of spotting, and so now it feels like it might come tomorrow. Which would be fine if it just came already and got it over with! But it's now 5 days late...tomorrow will be 6! I could have been done with it all already if it had come on time. And f course I can't help thinking the "what if..." It is so odd for it to be so late. I hate this not knowing and being in-between. I want to know one way or the other. Aaah!

We did talk about how we would think about pursuing other options, like IUI, if it doesn't happen this time. Sigh.

We need a miracle. Anything that would happen at this point in time would be a miracle, and we will see it that way.

The title name

Well I became a slacker on the 10th day of the cleanse and we kind of gave it up. The weekend was hard to stay "healthy" and then we've just had some busy days/road trips, resulting in fast food, blech! I'll try to write more about it later.

But, in other news... the thing that has been on my mind, is that I am actually 4 DAYS LATE as we speak. A full four days, which has not happened in my recollection EVER. It is day 32 today. And I woke up yesterday with a cold sore (which sometimes happens to people in early pregnancy). And I have not had any spotting or discharge at all (also weird). And my breasts were quite tender for a good 3-4 days, which usually only happens for one day at the most. So... here I am. I just got a pregnancy test and will wait till the morning to try (I tried one tonight but it showed negative). They say to use the first urine of the morning. I also feel a bit fluttery in my tummy. Not like period cramps. A bit heartburn too. But maybe I am just making all of these up due to wishful thinking. I'm not sure what I'll do if my period does come. :( This is the last chance before my 30th birthday. Not that that should be as big a deal as I am making it out to be. I was kind of resigned to turn 30 without being pregnant. But now the hope is alive again. We'll see. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but it is seriously hard not to! I am expecting that even if I don't get my period tomorrow, I may see a BFN on the test because it's still early. But we'll see.

That's all for now. I am super tired. We drove to Victoria after work last night to see a show, and then drove home again afterwards. Got to bed at 2:30 and up for work at 8. It is time for me to get some real rest!

Here's to hoping, and wishing, and praying!!!!

The Cleanse: Days 6-9

I don't have too much detail to write for these days. Just trying to remember to say something before I forget.

We had a bit of a slip up over the weekend, but I'm not too concerned. We went for a big 12km cross-country ski on Saturday. Once we were done we headed to the lodge to chill and just had to get ourselves a steamed milk hot chocolate. It was the most glorious thing I have ever tasted! Talk about deprived, hey? And I didn't even feel sick after drinking it.

Sunday was a different story because we hosted an Academy Awards party. We asked everyone to bring snacks and I thought there would be a bit more assortment. However, all that was brought was chips, donuts and cupcakes. And we didn't eat dinner beforehand. All in all, however, I didn't do too bad. I had a few Hershey's chocolates, some chips, some punch and then a few bite-size appetizers. But afterwards and into the next day, I felt pretty terrible. Cramping and general blahness. I purged by going for a nice run on Monday and eating well. Unfortunately, once you slip once it is easy to bend the rules a bit... We made popcorn on Monday too and oh it was good!

We are almost done the bottle of cleanse powder we have and I don't think I'll buy another one. We had a no meat day today and we'll try to do no meat tomorrow. Then for the rest of the week I just plan to continue eating healthy. By the weekend I want to start reintroducing foods to see if any react with my system.

So, that's the plan! My energy levels have been alright. I do notice if I don't get enough sleep so the focus is on going to bed on time this week. Just had a great yoga class today and a bath with epsom salts and a nice body scrub. Ready to cuddle up and rest the night away then begin again tomorrow!