Disappointment with God

Well AF, you can show up any day now.  I'd like to get this show on the road.

Okay, quick funny story.  So DH is pretty oblivious to the world of girls.  He grew up with only a brother, in a Korean home so many of the common North American experiences were lacking.  I don't even know how the subject came up, but he didn't know what AF stood for, and so I told him.  Ever since then, he thinks it is so funny to ask me if Aunt Flo has come for a visit yet.  Well, the other day we had some people over downstairs and he came up to get something.  When he saw me, he asked (in a pretty loud voice), "Did AF show up yet?"  I quickly hushed him and started laughing while he looked at me blankly.  It turns out, he thought AF was a secret phrase that only him and I knew!  It had me laughing like crazy.  Oh silly boys!  (Shh, don't tell him I told you this... but he used to think that a tupperware party was when a bunch of ladies got together and brought food for a potluck all in tupperware containers.... oh bless his soul!).

Anyways, I've been pretty teary lately.  I just feel emotional.  Tired of waiting ALL THE TIME.  It's not even babies and that stuff that has been making me cry.  Just the run of the mill touching commercial, kiss in a TV show, anyone facing disappointment.  I've been trying to live more for today but of course this is always in the back of my mind.  I think I am feeling just worn out from it all.  Once we can take some action again, I hope I'll pick up again. 

I had a pretty incredible moment the other day.  First of all, I was really happy for how I handled P&J having their baby.  It still is not really hard for me.  He is so darn cute, and I really do want to cuddle him like crazy.  They are still our friends, and that is what was most important for me.  I was thinking about all the women in the Bible who are barren.  It's a pretty big theme throughout the Bible.  I'm actually reading a book called "Disappointment With God" and it is really cool.  It just talks about 3 questions that people in the Church are often scared to ask: Is God unfair, is God silent, and is God hidden?  I'm pretty sure I'm not the first Christian woman to feel like God is being unfair, silent in not answering my petitions, and hidden from showing me understanding for why this is happening.  And as I realized that, I suddenly felt a sense of honour.  This may sound weird, but hear me out.  I do believe God exist.  I do believe He loves me.  I do believe He knows what is going on with me and that it breaks his heart.  I do believe there will be a time when I have a family.  The fact that I am going through this struggle right now only means that He thinks I can handle it.  I guess I do believe that He won't let me go through something I can't handle.  That doesn't mean it won't break me.  But in that breaking, I will be drawn closer to Him.  Closer for comfort.  Closer for peace.  Closer for refuge. 

I've also been finding my dog a great cuddler through the tough times.  She just seems to know what I need.  Here she is resting on my lap.

And here is a picture of P&J's little baby, PJ.  Isn't he a cutie?

The Joy is in the Journey

"The Joy is in the journey." That is a phrase my mom used to say that her father taught her. Basically it means that the destination is not always the main point of the journey; sometimes we are required to find joy without having reached our anticipated destination. I have tried to hold true to this phrase, but found it exceedingly hard considering the circumstances. I still trust in God. I still worship God. I see God as the maker of all things, as all-powerful, all knowing, and as in charge of all of life. I see Him as the creator. I see him as the King. But this does not mean that I can always put on a "happy face" and pretend my troubles don't exist. I think the Church has done too much of that throughout the past 100 years, which is why we are often seen as hypocrites. On the other hand, I don't think it is right to bemoan our sad state - why would anyone want to come follow Jesus if his followers were a bunch of whiny, mopey Debbie-downers. I just don't know what it means to find joy in my journey right now. I am trying. Oh am I trying so hard! Still, the feelings of hopelessness and discouragement have come. I feel like if I just spent enough time reading my Bible, or listening to worship music, or praying, they would magically go away. But I don't think that is the point. I'm not sure what this journey has to teach me. I am trying to be open.

All God's testings have a purpose - Someday you will see the light;
All He asks is that you trust him, Walk by faith and not by sight. (Zoller)

And still no period to show for anything... though I was up in the night with achey muscles, sore throat and a headache - feeling like I would definitely get "it" in the morning. But, I did not. So now we play the waiting game. I'll try another pregnancy test on the weekend if it doesn't come by then (today is day 34 so we'll give it at least a week of being late). And then I'll plan a doctor's appointment for next week. The waiting part seriously sucks, but I'm trying to live life as "normal" until we know otherwise.