Disappointment with God

Well AF, you can show up any day now.  I'd like to get this show on the road.

Okay, quick funny story.  So DH is pretty oblivious to the world of girls.  He grew up with only a brother, in a Korean home so many of the common North American experiences were lacking.  I don't even know how the subject came up, but he didn't know what AF stood for, and so I told him.  Ever since then, he thinks it is so funny to ask me if Aunt Flo has come for a visit yet.  Well, the other day we had some people over downstairs and he came up to get something.  When he saw me, he asked (in a pretty loud voice), "Did AF show up yet?"  I quickly hushed him and started laughing while he looked at me blankly.  It turns out, he thought AF was a secret phrase that only him and I knew!  It had me laughing like crazy.  Oh silly boys!  (Shh, don't tell him I told you this... but he used to think that a tupperware party was when a bunch of ladies got together and brought food for a potluck all in tupperware containers.... oh bless his soul!).

Anyways, I've been pretty teary lately.  I just feel emotional.  Tired of waiting ALL THE TIME.  It's not even babies and that stuff that has been making me cry.  Just the run of the mill touching commercial, kiss in a TV show, anyone facing disappointment.  I've been trying to live more for today but of course this is always in the back of my mind.  I think I am feeling just worn out from it all.  Once we can take some action again, I hope I'll pick up again. 

I had a pretty incredible moment the other day.  First of all, I was really happy for how I handled P&J having their baby.  It still is not really hard for me.  He is so darn cute, and I really do want to cuddle him like crazy.  They are still our friends, and that is what was most important for me.  I was thinking about all the women in the Bible who are barren.  It's a pretty big theme throughout the Bible.  I'm actually reading a book called "Disappointment With God" and it is really cool.  It just talks about 3 questions that people in the Church are often scared to ask: Is God unfair, is God silent, and is God hidden?  I'm pretty sure I'm not the first Christian woman to feel like God is being unfair, silent in not answering my petitions, and hidden from showing me understanding for why this is happening.  And as I realized that, I suddenly felt a sense of honour.  This may sound weird, but hear me out.  I do believe God exist.  I do believe He loves me.  I do believe He knows what is going on with me and that it breaks his heart.  I do believe there will be a time when I have a family.  The fact that I am going through this struggle right now only means that He thinks I can handle it.  I guess I do believe that He won't let me go through something I can't handle.  That doesn't mean it won't break me.  But in that breaking, I will be drawn closer to Him.  Closer for comfort.  Closer for peace.  Closer for refuge. 

I've also been finding my dog a great cuddler through the tough times.  She just seems to know what I need.  Here she is resting on my lap.

And here is a picture of P&J's little baby, PJ.  Isn't he a cutie?