I don't even know what to write about, except that I feel like the only thing to do right now is to write.
The visit with P&J and new baby PJ (those are actually his initials!) was fine. It was fun. I didn't feel sad. But let me back up and describe the whole day. This morning started off really nice. It was my day off and I was excited to enjoy it. It was sunny, I drank tea and lazed about and then got to cleaning house (I love to start the weekend with a clean slate). J was planning to come over for tea and knitting this afternoon but had an appointment scheduled for this morning. While I was waiting to hear from her, I received the call from P that they were in the hospital and she was being brought in for an "imminent" c-section because they were worried that the baby had an infection and they needed to get it out right away to see what was wrong. Due to the suddenness of the event, they had no supplies. J's mom was visiting but she was stuck carless at their house. So they asked if we could go to their house and pick up the hospital bags for them. DH came home from work (he has flexible hours and had the car) and we headed over. We hoped we could see them and DH was planning to stay with P if need be. While there we ran into a nurse we know from our church who was working in maternity. She went to check on things and said that we couldn't go in because J was about to go in for surgery. She took the bags and we had no choice but to go home and wait (there wasn't even a waiting area as far as we could see). So we came home.
The rest of the afternoon passed uneventful. I think I was pretty restless and a bit worried so I kept myself busy doing laundry, knitting, etc. I had a massage scheduled at 3 and decided to walk over. I kept my phone on just in case we got the call. No call. I got home and started dinner then decided to take the dog for a walk. I was getting really worried by this time. I don't know how long c-sections take. DH had spoken to J's mom who said that if the baby did have an infection it would need to be taken to the next city (because we don't have full facilities for babies here) but since J was having surgery she would have to stay behind while P went on his own. I prayed a lot today. On my walk I passed by a close friend's house (a lady from our church) and stopped in to ask her to pray. We prayed together right then and there and as soon as we finished my phone rang. It was DH and he was calling to tell me that P&J had a 9lb, 5oz HEALTHY baby boy! There was no sign of infection. The doctors don't know what they thought they had seen, but nothing was wrong. It was probably nice that she had a c-section for such a big baby. He really was a miracle.
Anyways, they invited us to come by after dinner and so we did. It was really casual (which I so appreciate about them). We picked up coffee and food and flowers for them because P had been way too nervous to eat earlier. I held the baby. I guess the thing with babies is that I never feel a real connection with them. Even my niece, I just didn't really feel anything special when I met/held her. I don't really have a thing for babies. More than that, I just want us to have a family... our family. It was actually really nice visiting P&J because they still were normal. I guess it affirmed that they will still be our friends after having a baby. Sure they will be busy, but they will still be the same P&J that we like so much.
Now we're back at home and I just feel drained and tired. I don't really know what I am "feeling." I'm not giddy or happy. I'm not sad. I'm not even wistful. I didn't cry today. I didn't really feel any feelings of jealousy when I saw them (especially when they changed the gross diaper). I came home and immediately felt like I needed to "do" something... to keep my hands busy. I couldn't sit and just lose myself in TV. I had to be active. I put dishes away and did more knitting before I decided to try to get my thoughts out here.
I guess I keep thinking about the day that P&J sat in our living room and told us they were expecting. That day is so vivid in my mind. We were really happy for them. And sad for us. But this whole time has passed. They have moved on. We are in the same place. I'm tired of being here. I want to move on.
I did chat briefly with a new friend I made here who is due with a successful IVF baby in February. I barely know here, but we are going to get together soon. She said that her story is very similar to ours and she knows how hard it will be. It will be SO nice to actually talk to someone who understands. I guess I haven't really had that yet.
So, that is where today leaves me.
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