Today started as a wonderful day. I woke up to fresh snow, took the dog for a walk/play at the park, had a nice up of coffee and spent some time cleaning the house. Then I decided to pay P&J a visit, since DH was working and I didn't have much else to do. Despite the fact that they now have a baby, J is still my closest friend here, and I was a bit lonely and needed a friend today. It was a nice visit. I had some baby snuggles, did some knitting and we had a nice chat. I got home, though, and my world felt crushed. I guess just being there this time it felt like everything was perfect. He is so cute and perfect. He does not cry too much (yet). They have the feeding/sleeping thing down pat. They are co-sleeping (something we have always wanted to do). Their lives already have a nice rhythm. I know things will change, and that it will not always be easy, and that they will have times where they want to pull out their hair. I know all that. J is also struggling (I think) with her emotions and maybe a bit of post-partum depression due to the c-section. I just realized that I would do anything to have what they have right now. Their current life IS my dream life. It is what I imagined it being like. And honestly, I AM SO JEALOUS! Not jealous in a bad way, like I wish them any harm. I just want what they have so badly. And today it really hurts.
I came home and tried to make some plans with DH to do something fun and distract myself from the pain. He is busy working on the sermon for Sunday and may not be free tonight. And the thing is, I really don't have any other friends to hang out with. At least none without kids. Or ones that are more "takers" than givers. And none that I can just call up on a whim to hang out with. I feel so lonely today.
DH gave me a big hug, and I shed a few tears. When, oh when will it be our turn?
I feel like I should be entering this IUI cycle with a bit more hope and optimism than I currently have. But I'm not. I feel like we're just going to throw away our money. If it hasn't worked all this time, the chances are slim that it will now. Unless maybe there's something that hasn't been found yet, and maybe IUI will bypass that obstacle and provide some unexpected success. I feel like if it doesn't work on the first try, it probably won't work at all. We'll cross that bridge when we get there.
Sending some hugs your way. It's completely natural to feel like you are. Of course you are jealous - you want what they have. We all do. I can't promise anything, though I wish I could, but keep your chin up. It has to get better, right?
ReplyDeleteDEFINITELY sending HUGS...BIG FAT HUGS!!! I hated going to friends' homes with their new borns and slapping on my happy face. It sucks. And you have every right to be jealous.
ReplyDeleteDon't lose hope on the IUI. I did 5 and 2 of them led to positive betas...they were low and didn't make it, but it was better than what we had trying on our own. I'm praying and hoping this works for you....may your baby dreams come true sooner rather than later...
I have had that... seeing someone else's life and going, this is my dream life and you have it... can't we BOTH have it? Why just one of us? :(
ReplyDeleteI also don't feel so optimistic this cycle. Luckily, I don't think uteruses and eggs and sperm know the difference. What will happen will happen whether or not we spend the energy thinking positively, I think. (I hope)