A Year

It was a year ago to the day that I started bleeding with the miscarriage from our first pregnancy.  One year ago.  I remember feeling angry, lost, hurt, hopeless, and not knowing where to turn. The year was filled with so many questions, such searching, hurt feelings, and more anger and bitterness as my husband and I tried to make sense of all we were going through.

A year later, and I am 13 weeks pregnant with twins.  I. Am. Pregnant.

I don't have answers to all the questions.  I still am working through the feelings of all we have gone through these past 6 years.  But what I do know, and what I want to share, is that there is always hope.  Even in the times that seem so dark, and when it seems like there is nowhere else to turn, hope is there.  You may need to borrow hope from someone else for a while, but it will come back.  It's like, as humans, we don't have an option but to choose hope.  We need hope in order to survive.  And at the end of the day, you never know what a year may bring.

Today I am celebrating.  I am home from Australia, on a mini-vacation with my husband, my dog, and my two little ragamuffins, cooking away inside of me.  Thank you Lord, for this special time.  May I treasure every moment.

I thought I was okay...

Today started as a wonderful day.  I woke up to fresh snow, took the dog for a walk/play at the park, had a nice up of coffee and spent some time cleaning the house.  Then I decided to pay P&J a visit, since DH was working and I didn't have much else to do.  Despite the fact that they now have a baby, J is still my closest friend here, and I was a bit lonely and needed a friend today.  It was a nice visit.  I had some baby snuggles, did some knitting and we had a nice chat.  I got home, though, and my world felt crushed.  I guess just being there this time it felt like everything was perfect.  He is so cute and perfect.  He does not cry too much (yet).  They have the feeding/sleeping thing down pat.  They are co-sleeping (something we have always wanted to do).  Their lives already have a nice rhythm.  I know things will change, and that it will not always be easy, and that they will have times where they want to pull out their hair.  I know all that.  J is also struggling (I think) with her emotions and maybe a bit of post-partum depression due to the c-section.  I just realized that I would do anything to have what they have right now.  Their current life IS my dream life.  It is what I imagined it being like.  And honestly, I AM SO JEALOUS!  Not jealous in a bad way, like I wish them any harm.  I just want what they have so badly.  And today it really hurts.

I came home and tried to make some plans with DH to do something fun and distract myself from the pain.  He is busy working on the sermon for Sunday and may not be free tonight.  And the thing is, I really don't have any other friends to hang out with.  At least none without kids.  Or ones that are more "takers" than givers.  And none that I can just call up on a whim to hang out with.  I feel so lonely today.

DH gave me a big hug, and I shed a few tears.  When, oh when will it be our turn?

I feel like I should be entering this IUI cycle with a bit more hope and optimism than I currently have.  But I'm not.  I feel like we're just going to throw away our money.  If it hasn't worked all this time, the chances are slim that it will now.  Unless maybe there's something that hasn't been found yet, and maybe IUI will bypass that obstacle and provide some unexpected success.  I feel like if it doesn't work on the first try, it probably won't work at all.  We'll cross that bridge when we get there.

Hope arises

I'm feeling very hopeful today.  I'm not sure why.  As I walked the dog before sunrise, and drove to work I was filled with a sense of peace and calm.  I felt happy again.  I even felt optimistic about having a baby... or enjoying life even if we don't have a baby right away.  I know we'll have a family some day.  For now, I want to be able to enjoy life as it is.  And today I did.

I don't expect that this will last, and I know I'll have "down" moments, but today I treasured this feeling.

Things at work are going really well.  As a counsellor in a small town, it can be hard to get "in" to the industry.  Somehow, through divine intervention (that's all I can figure out), I am having amazing opportunities.  Did I mention that I was hired to work one partial day a week at the place where I completed my practicum?  This will open up the door for me to do my own private counselling through an already existing agency.  It is incredible!  My colleague seems to think that the girl I'm covering maternity leave for won't come back either, so my current job might carry on.  And I am really loving it.  Sure, I feel overwhelmed and unprepared sometimes, but I think I'm doing an okay job for starting out.  It's really hard to measure.  But even yesterday I had a teenage client come in, who was suicidal when I first met her, and share her plans to go to college and get a degree and she was all filled with hope.  It was incredible.

I don't want to be too superstitious or anything like that... but when I was back in college I thought I never wanted to get married and I thought I didn't want to have kids.  I believed that there were so many hurting, lonely people in the world and I wanted to "parent" them.  I actually dreamed about working with girls who had been sexually exploited and showing them love and acceptance.  While my dream didn't pan out exactly how I thought it would.... I am now working with girls who have been sexually assaulted and abused and hurt.

When I decided I wanted kids, I always wanted to have little boys.  There's something about little boys that I just love, especially the pre-teen age.  I don't know what it is, but I love the little boy mind.  Recently I watched Peter Pan and my heart was warmed by the little lost boys in Neverneverland.  In the past month, my client load has shifted and I am seeing SO MANY young pre-teen boys.  Sure, they have issues... but they are mine to care for, to help, to build relationship with.  This "dream" has come true in its own way.

I don't know what this all means... and maybe it's just my own rambling, but somehow it brings me hope.  As much as I really want a baby, I'm not a "kid" person.  I'm never the one playing with the kids at get-togethers, I don't just take people's babies to hold, I don't know how to interact with kids in most settings.  Sometimes the thought of having a little person around freaks me out!  A baby seems easy because you just have to take care of its needs, but once it can talk and play, I have no idea what I'd do!  However, we want a family.  It may not look the way I wish it would... but I feel hopeful that it will happen.

Hope among other things

Just wanted to update and say that things are feeling much more under control today.  I'm hoping and praying that the little swimmers will reach my egg and do their job!  Haha, it sounds so funny to me to even write something like that in a place that others will see... but it's the truth.  I actually even did visualizations this time and am sending lots of positive energy thoughts to myself, haha.  Hey, I figure it can't hurt and maybe will help.  I feel a bit hopeful about this month.  I am still processing the big fight DH and I had on the weekend, but I feel like it was a turning point.  We reached a point, even just for a moment, of feeling like we should just give up trying altogether.  DH was actually surprised that I went back for bloodwork the next day, because he thought we were just scrapping it for this month.  I went back though, because I felt a bit of a release emotionally and I just thought, "what if this IS the month?"  I wanted to make sure the proper steps had been taken if it were.  Then after that, we just had fun.  I don't think I'm at a point where I can completely give up trying, but last week was such a low of scrambling around trying to make everything work perfectly... and it was EXHAUSTING!  That is essentially what we fought about.  Of course DH is going to feel pressure when I am controlling every last detail of our lives in this regards.  I know it is the only way I know how to deal with this situation, but still... it maybe isn't actually helping all that much.  That's hard for me even to write actually.  And I don't know how to "fix" it.  I don't know how to change.  I don't know if I really want to.  But what I do want is to live this next month stress-free.  I want to enjoy the Christmas holidays with my husband, and our friends and family.  I don't want to be worried all about baby stuff.  I want to just relax.  It's hard, and I know there are still unresolved hurt feelings, but I am making an effort to be positive. 

In other news, all last night/this morning I felt little twinges in my abdomen, kind of like little bubbles.  I don't want to overanalyze anything, but maybe that is some sort of good sign?  Hoping and praying!!! 

Oh, and one last comment... I think the thing I am dreading most about being pregnant is the STUPID conversations people have with you.  My one friend J is pregnant and everywhere we go people ignore me and only talk to her about her baby.  It's like I'm not even there!  They never ask her about any other areas of life, only about how she's feeling, how her clothes are fitting, how tired she is, how big the baby is, whether it's a boy or a girl, etc. etc. etc.  It drives me crazy!  No wonder so many moms lose their identity in their baby.  If that is all that we can expect to talk to pregnant ladies about, how can we expect them to remain contributing members of society after the baby is born???  If/when I am pregnant, I plan to always turn the conversation around on anyone who asks me those idiotic questions and engage in a REAL conversation about REAL life!  There, that's my rant for the day.