Storm's a breakin'

To say that this week hasn't been the best is an understatement...

Fortunately, the storm broke yesterday and hopefully it's sunny skies from here.

DH is stressed out of his mind!  I didn't fully catch on until yesterday, but I was annoyed with him ALL WEEK for being so difficult.  I felt like I was running around doing everything, the only person thinking of things like what we were going to eat, and what to do with the dog... important things.  I felt like all he did was sleep, watch TV, and play guitar.  And that WAS all he did.  He barely talked to me, he didn't come to bed at night (fell asleep on the couch or stayed up on the computer), and he didn't listen to anything I asked him to do.  I felt like he hated me all week.  


Last night we had the blowout fight (which always comes after he's been brewing) and he admitted that it was all from stress.  It wasn't really a fight between us... it was more a breakdown on his part.  His breakdowns are just so darn difficult to endure.  He's stressed about so many things and can't even pinpoint what is making him feel so down.  He is stressed about the economy, about his job right now, about the church, about us having a baby (and not being able to afford it because of the economy and his job), about his parents, about.... the list goes on and on!  And unlike me, he's not at all willing to talk to ANYBODY about it (besides me!).  He may talk to one person about a portion, and another about a little bit more, but he's not able to get the whole thing out there for someone else to know ALL that is going on with him.  And that frustrates me to no end.  


So, I get to live with a grumpy, depressed, closed-down, boy who will barely talk to me about what is going on, leave his dishes and clothes all around, and is generally no fun to be around right now.


Oh please let this stage pass quickly!


(Sorry if this is too much of a bashing email.  I do hate complaining about my man because I honestly love him SO SO SO MUCH, but I really, really just needed somewhere to let it out today.  Anyways, it's not as much about him, as it is about me dealing with what is going on right now.  All I want to do is enjoy the sunshine this weekend...and enjoy a weekend after working 12 days straight!)

Hope among other things

Just wanted to update and say that things are feeling much more under control today.  I'm hoping and praying that the little swimmers will reach my egg and do their job!  Haha, it sounds so funny to me to even write something like that in a place that others will see... but it's the truth.  I actually even did visualizations this time and am sending lots of positive energy thoughts to myself, haha.  Hey, I figure it can't hurt and maybe will help.  I feel a bit hopeful about this month.  I am still processing the big fight DH and I had on the weekend, but I feel like it was a turning point.  We reached a point, even just for a moment, of feeling like we should just give up trying altogether.  DH was actually surprised that I went back for bloodwork the next day, because he thought we were just scrapping it for this month.  I went back though, because I felt a bit of a release emotionally and I just thought, "what if this IS the month?"  I wanted to make sure the proper steps had been taken if it were.  Then after that, we just had fun.  I don't think I'm at a point where I can completely give up trying, but last week was such a low of scrambling around trying to make everything work perfectly... and it was EXHAUSTING!  That is essentially what we fought about.  Of course DH is going to feel pressure when I am controlling every last detail of our lives in this regards.  I know it is the only way I know how to deal with this situation, but still... it maybe isn't actually helping all that much.  That's hard for me even to write actually.  And I don't know how to "fix" it.  I don't know how to change.  I don't know if I really want to.  But what I do want is to live this next month stress-free.  I want to enjoy the Christmas holidays with my husband, and our friends and family.  I don't want to be worried all about baby stuff.  I want to just relax.  It's hard, and I know there are still unresolved hurt feelings, but I am making an effort to be positive. 

In other news, all last night/this morning I felt little twinges in my abdomen, kind of like little bubbles.  I don't want to overanalyze anything, but maybe that is some sort of good sign?  Hoping and praying!!! 

Oh, and one last comment... I think the thing I am dreading most about being pregnant is the STUPID conversations people have with you.  My one friend J is pregnant and everywhere we go people ignore me and only talk to her about her baby.  It's like I'm not even there!  They never ask her about any other areas of life, only about how she's feeling, how her clothes are fitting, how tired she is, how big the baby is, whether it's a boy or a girl, etc. etc. etc.  It drives me crazy!  No wonder so many moms lose their identity in their baby.  If that is all that we can expect to talk to pregnant ladies about, how can we expect them to remain contributing members of society after the baby is born???  If/when I am pregnant, I plan to always turn the conversation around on anyone who asks me those idiotic questions and engage in a REAL conversation about REAL life!  There, that's my rant for the day.

Not for Christmas

Worst day EVER yesterday.  I'm still processing and trying to figure out how I'm feeling, so I'll make this short and give you the facts.  Went for my day 11 bloodwork to see if my LH surge was on its way (went early because it's falling over a weekend).  Waited all day, but was pretty sure that I was on my way to the surge.  Did a pee test (which never work), and had a very faint line.  Received a call from the Dr. last night saying that I had not surged yet, but my levels were elevated and he expected I would surge tomorrow.  BUT... the clinic is closed on Sundays (or at least they don't do IUI on Sundays), so he told me to "have intercourse on Sunday and we'll check back in the New Year." 

Not only have I been planning my whole month around this treatment...  not only have I been taking crazy fertility drugs that mess up my whole life.... not only have I been drinking disgusting TCM medicine... not only have I been paying for weekly acupuncture... not only have I been graciously hanging out with my friend who is 8 1/2 months pregnant and really hoping I would get pregnant before her baby is born... but NOW I can't even go through with the plan for this month.  And I'm all about the plan. 

So, needless to say, I was pissed.  Then we had to go to a STUPID Christmas banquet where people that should not have kids (seriously, they can't even afford to feed and heat these kids and continually ask for handouts for the kids, and then go get knocked up again!) let these monsters run around disrupting everything. 

And then we came home and after watching a movie "tried" to have sex.  We should do it today and Friday, to make sure things are running smoothly and just in case my surge started to come last night.  Well, somehow (maybe I'll get into it later) that turned into a HUGE fight, in which I even left the house at 1:30am in pajama pants and a tank top and bare feet and rubber boots and drove around the block.

That hasn't been resolved yet.  I was up first thing today to do another blood test (not sure it's even necessary, but I did it).  And now I get to go make-up with DH.  I think this is the bottom of the low.  I hate infertility. 

So there's my heart bared for you all to see (and I know I'm to blame and have my own things to work through, but still... this is where I am at). 

Anyone have any suggestions???