I JUST BOUGHT PLANE TICKETS TO VISIT MY SISTER IN AUSTRALIA!!!!
I leave in 3 months time for 2 1/2 weeks! (though I'm already thinking that will be too short and might extend my trip). Holy crap! Australia!!!
The crazy thing is that I don't usually make snap decisions, but this time I just went ahead and did it. I had sort of been thinking about when would be a good time to go, and then my massage therapist was telling me of her plans to visit Australia in April, and then I went online to look at tickets and the deal was too good to pass up... and so I spoke to DH and bought the tickets. All in one day! I figured that there is not going to be a better time to go. My contract ends in April and I'll be in-between jobs again. My sister has had her first baby and that won't ever happen again. They are planning to come visit in December, so I don't want to go too close to then. So, now seems like the best time! We were planning on being really smart with our money and paying down debt, but something in me snapped and I just wanted to be spontaneous!
I've had a lot of emotions since I booked the trip (24 hours ago). I haven't actually "felt" excited, although I really am looking forward to it and know it will be a great time. I felt a little anxious/panic as I was trying to make the decision. Today I was feeling sad. I'm feeling nervous too. I realized that I have been holding off on making a lot of decisions this past year because all along I had the thought, "but I might be pregnant..." That is one of the reasons I didn't visit Australia sooner (that, and since I wasn't working money was real tight).
Clearly, I am not yet pregnant. I've taken on more work and am trying to get on with my life in other regards. Yet that worries me too. I'm not ready to give up TTC just quite yet (nor am I, but moving ahead is scary in some way). We are going to pursue IUI hopefully for the next 2 months, and then take a break for my trip, and maybe try again once I'm back. Hopefully I will head off on my trip with a bun in the oven... but if not, we'll resume after and decide what is next. I think it will be good for me to get away. Oh, I didn't mention that DH is not coming with me. It's just not doable. I am sad to go without him. I haven't been on an independent trip like this for SOOOO long! Though it might be nice to assert my independence once again.
So, that is my news for now. I feel like the next 3 months are going to fly by... let's just hope they are happy months!
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Sunday, January 20, 2013
The vacay
I said I would write a bit about DH's brother's wedding and our vacation. Now that I sit down to do so, I find I have nothing much to say. The wedding was fine. Fine, haha. It was very quickly planned (6 weeks I think), so it was pretty ordinary. It was the fastest wedding I've ever been to (started at 3pm, reception finished at 7pm). I guess that is the way it is with Korean weddings. It wasn't traditionally Korean, but mostly attended by Koreans, who aren't into dancing or partying...they just eat the meal and leave. I got to meet all of DH's aunts. His mother has 4 sisters (5 girls in the family), and I've only ever met one of them. That was the big deal for the weekend. I felt a pressure to look great, and act right, but it went completely fine and they loved me. The only bad thing about the weekend was that DH was exhausted by the end. He was the best man and was helping out the whole time, driving back and forth, doing errands, and keeping his brother sane.
By the time we arrived in Tofino for our vacation, he was spent! So much that he had a huge meltdown, of which I am still reeling from the effects. DH has always had trouble with his identity. Being second-generation Korean has left him feeling not fully Canadian, yet not fully Korean either. He is also not your typical "pastor" either. He is a musician/artist, loves cutting edge bands, dresses in style, and watches controversial movies. He has never fully fit with the pastoral image. Anyways, why am I writing this all again? Oh, because he has been asked to take on more responsibility at the church. They want him to be the lead preaching pastor, which he is really good at and enjoys (he is such an entertainer and great at public speaking). However this request has left him questioning whether he really wants to devote his life to being a pastor... He worries that he will have to forsake his other dreams in life. He worries about having regrets.
So, as much as tried to "rest" during our vacation (and we did!), our thoughts were still consumed by the decisions ahead of us:
- Should he take on this role, or should he quit pastoral work to try his hand at something else?
- If something else, what would that be?
- If we didn't stay at the church, that would mean selling our house and moving, which would be tough in this economy. This town is just too small for him to find other fulfilling work?
- I've just started this new job (only a 4 month contract). I'm trying to wrap my head around it all. And what will I do after it is over?
- We are scheduled to have an international student (or two) moving in sometime this month. Welcome to the craziness!!!
- What are we going to do about pursuing a family???
It was really good that we took a break at the end of our trip. I just feel like nothing got resolved. When an issue comes up, I want to resolve it, not just talk about it and leave it hanging. I like to tie up loose ends. Plus, DH's meltdowns are pretty legendary. He really doesn't have a handle on appropriate expression of his emotions sometimes. At least that's my viewpoint, haha. I am the opposite, however, and don't like to express some negative emotions (anger, frustration). We really need to better learn how to deal with each other in these heightened situations.
Anyways, here are a few pictures of the week. Thanks for listening to my long-winded thoughts!
Have I convinced you to visit Vancouver Island yet????
By the time we arrived in Tofino for our vacation, he was spent! So much that he had a huge meltdown, of which I am still reeling from the effects. DH has always had trouble with his identity. Being second-generation Korean has left him feeling not fully Canadian, yet not fully Korean either. He is also not your typical "pastor" either. He is a musician/artist, loves cutting edge bands, dresses in style, and watches controversial movies. He has never fully fit with the pastoral image. Anyways, why am I writing this all again? Oh, because he has been asked to take on more responsibility at the church. They want him to be the lead preaching pastor, which he is really good at and enjoys (he is such an entertainer and great at public speaking). However this request has left him questioning whether he really wants to devote his life to being a pastor... He worries that he will have to forsake his other dreams in life. He worries about having regrets.
So, as much as tried to "rest" during our vacation (and we did!), our thoughts were still consumed by the decisions ahead of us:
- Should he take on this role, or should he quit pastoral work to try his hand at something else?
- If something else, what would that be?
- If we didn't stay at the church, that would mean selling our house and moving, which would be tough in this economy. This town is just too small for him to find other fulfilling work?
- I've just started this new job (only a 4 month contract). I'm trying to wrap my head around it all. And what will I do after it is over?
- We are scheduled to have an international student (or two) moving in sometime this month. Welcome to the craziness!!!
- What are we going to do about pursuing a family???
It was really good that we took a break at the end of our trip. I just feel like nothing got resolved. When an issue comes up, I want to resolve it, not just talk about it and leave it hanging. I like to tie up loose ends. Plus, DH's meltdowns are pretty legendary. He really doesn't have a handle on appropriate expression of his emotions sometimes. At least that's my viewpoint, haha. I am the opposite, however, and don't like to express some negative emotions (anger, frustration). We really need to better learn how to deal with each other in these heightened situations.
Anyways, here are a few pictures of the week. Thanks for listening to my long-winded thoughts!
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| Us at the wedding |
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| The beach we stayed at |
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| Long Beach, Tofino |
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| Long Beach, Tofino (in the morning) |
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| Sunrise - Long Beach, Tofino |
Why I like to skip church (and how infertility has affected my views on church)
I want to share with you my confession. It's Sunday today. I skipped church again this week. Since we were away last weekend, this is the 3rd Sunday I have missed.
That may not seem like a big deal to most people. Most people even who attend church regularly miss weeks from time to time. You may not know this though, (please don't let this scare you away from my blog...I'm still a normal infertile girl), but my husband is a pastor. A PASTOR of a church. Which makes me... a pastor's wife. I'm not sure how many of you have church backgrounds, but historically pastor's wives have been their own breed of women. They are always nice, well dressed, they play the piano every Sunday, and they teach the children in Sunday school. I never wanted to be a pastor's wife. Actually, my father is also a pastor, as is my grandfather, and so on. I had planned to escape the cycle. In all honesty, I make a good pastor's wife. I am nice. I play the piano. I am willing to help out where it's needed. I do not swear, or dress scantily, or seek to cause a scene in social situations. But here's the thing:
I don't really like going to church! This dislike has grown over the years. There are seasons where it is alright and I can manage going. But there are other seasons where I just hate being at church. It's not that I don't find it important. I believe that Christians should gather together, should be in community, should teach each other and learn together. I grew up going to church and it is familiar and safe for me. I do love the idea of church!
But I envy couples who do not have to go to church every Sunday. Saturday is our only sleep-in lazy day, and often Saturday is the day that events are going on - farmer's markets, ski days, garage sales - so we're up early to embrace the day. I love the idea of a lazy Sunday morning where we sleep in together, make pancakes and coffee, and then enjoy the day. I've always said if church took place in the evening, I would much rather go. There's never anything to do on a Monday or Thursday night. I'd happily go to church then.
The other thing about church is all the babies. It doesn't so much bother me to see them, except for one thing. I don't know why, but I always wanted to be one of the moms who stood at the back of church with their baby. When the baby fussed, they walked around. If they had to change a diaper, they left the service for a while. At the end of church, they met with other moms and talked about their children. I always looked forward to this time in my life. I guess it is a symbol of a desire that I always had. That, and I wanted an excuse to be able to be late for church ("it was because of the baby"), walk around if I needed a break ("the baby is fussy"), and connect with other women my age. Right now in my church, there are ZERO young married couples without kids. The couples younger than us have their first child. The ones our age and older have completed families and kids in school. The ones without kids are empty-nesters who still just talk about their kids' lives now that they have left home. So there really is nobody for me to connect with. Church has become a lonely place for me. Being in pastoral ministry is lonely to start with, because people treat you different or don't want to get too close. Without kids, it has become unbearable for me, and every Sunday is a reminder of that. Oh, and don't get me started on the comments people make if I ever decide to be nice and talk to someone with a baby or, heaven forbid, hold another person's baby! "Your turn will be next." "Isn't it about time you started a family?" "When are you going to start a family?" "Oh, your children will be sooo cute!"
Is it any wonder I have no desire to go to church at this point in time?
That may not seem like a big deal to most people. Most people even who attend church regularly miss weeks from time to time. You may not know this though, (please don't let this scare you away from my blog...I'm still a normal infertile girl), but my husband is a pastor. A PASTOR of a church. Which makes me... a pastor's wife. I'm not sure how many of you have church backgrounds, but historically pastor's wives have been their own breed of women. They are always nice, well dressed, they play the piano every Sunday, and they teach the children in Sunday school. I never wanted to be a pastor's wife. Actually, my father is also a pastor, as is my grandfather, and so on. I had planned to escape the cycle. In all honesty, I make a good pastor's wife. I am nice. I play the piano. I am willing to help out where it's needed. I do not swear, or dress scantily, or seek to cause a scene in social situations. But here's the thing:
I don't really like going to church! This dislike has grown over the years. There are seasons where it is alright and I can manage going. But there are other seasons where I just hate being at church. It's not that I don't find it important. I believe that Christians should gather together, should be in community, should teach each other and learn together. I grew up going to church and it is familiar and safe for me. I do love the idea of church!
But I envy couples who do not have to go to church every Sunday. Saturday is our only sleep-in lazy day, and often Saturday is the day that events are going on - farmer's markets, ski days, garage sales - so we're up early to embrace the day. I love the idea of a lazy Sunday morning where we sleep in together, make pancakes and coffee, and then enjoy the day. I've always said if church took place in the evening, I would much rather go. There's never anything to do on a Monday or Thursday night. I'd happily go to church then.
The other thing about church is all the babies. It doesn't so much bother me to see them, except for one thing. I don't know why, but I always wanted to be one of the moms who stood at the back of church with their baby. When the baby fussed, they walked around. If they had to change a diaper, they left the service for a while. At the end of church, they met with other moms and talked about their children. I always looked forward to this time in my life. I guess it is a symbol of a desire that I always had. That, and I wanted an excuse to be able to be late for church ("it was because of the baby"), walk around if I needed a break ("the baby is fussy"), and connect with other women my age. Right now in my church, there are ZERO young married couples without kids. The couples younger than us have their first child. The ones our age and older have completed families and kids in school. The ones without kids are empty-nesters who still just talk about their kids' lives now that they have left home. So there really is nobody for me to connect with. Church has become a lonely place for me. Being in pastoral ministry is lonely to start with, because people treat you different or don't want to get too close. Without kids, it has become unbearable for me, and every Sunday is a reminder of that. Oh, and don't get me started on the comments people make if I ever decide to be nice and talk to someone with a baby or, heaven forbid, hold another person's baby! "Your turn will be next." "Isn't it about time you started a family?" "When are you going to start a family?" "Oh, your children will be sooo cute!"
Is it any wonder I have no desire to go to church at this point in time?
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Rest
The wedding is done. We are back in Canada for our post wedding vacation. Holed up in this little cabin on the beach in Tofino for a few nights. Glorious! Are you all jealous? Will write all about the wedding once I regroup.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Sunday musings
I'm having a lovely morning today. I skipped church to have a morning at home to myself. The candles are lit, the coffee is made, and Ryan Adams Heartbreaker is playing on the record player. This is better than church any day, haha.
It is so great to be alone finally. DH and I both took the week between Christmas and New Year's off. We had planned to hang out with friends and family, go snowshoeing, and have some other adventures. With him being so sick, we spent the whole week on the couch watching TV. We also were together 24/7 and hardly saw anyone else. I think it was a little too much for both of us! I mentioned briefly before that the tension built and built until finally it exploded... on our anniversary of all days! That evening we had a huge fight. I really have no idea what it was all about. DH was in a grumpy mood from the start of the day and I think I had just had enough. We didn't do anything for our anniversary. We ended up having lunch out with friends after church and then a walk on the beach. We bought a cake and came home to watch a movie, and then the fight ensued. Fortunately it blew over quite quickly and even now the details are fuzzy to me (though at the time it was a big one... I even texted my girlfriends for some support, which I don't normally do). I should write a post about fighting another time. I have lots of thoughts/questions for all of you out there!
Anyways, I was really, really glad to start my new job this week and have an ounce of independence again. It went well and I think I will enjoy it, even though it only is a 4-month contract. I'm also looking forward to the income it will bring in! As much as it was nice to be out of the house for a bit, though, I really love my time alone in the home. DH hasn't been working much this week, though, so this is the first time I am alone. Something about having the house to myself just restores my soul. I need to do some cleaning/decluttering to be completely at ease, but still this is nice. I'm working on a few projects and hope to post some pictures later on.
When I look back at the holidays for 2012, there are some special moments that stand out. As much as it sucked to have DH sick, it was kind of romantic cuddled up by the fire as a family (me, him and our dog) doing nothing. We drank a lot of rum and coke and just did whatever we felt like. The snow we had over those 2 weeks was magical and fun. I did get out cross country skiing with my mom once, and DH and I went for our traditional New Year's snowshoe (though we normally do it on New Year's eve, but since his coughing fits come at nighttime we decided to go in the day instead). Our home was cozy and beautiful with the twinkling lights and Christmas tree. All in all, I think it provided a bittersweet time of grieving and building some hope for the future.
I don't know what the future holds right now, but the story is not over yet. In our fighting, DH said he was exhausted and finished with trying to have a family. We spoke briefly last night though, and he said he still does want a family. He is just burnt out and exhausted from trying. I understand that. I think I am ready to get back at it again (I don't think I ever really stopped wanting to try). My guess is that we will try one more IUI in the next few months. After that, who knows? I am surprising myself with considering doing IVF. Due to our situation, it might be the best shot, but it is something we never really considered. I'll write more about my thoughts about it another time. I'm also really open to adoption. I contacted the local agency already and have the initial papers, but DH is not ready to even look at them yet. But I think this is the year we need to make some hard decisions. I turn 32 this year, and with my egg quality/quantity diminishing, we don't have much time left. I'm hoping to save, save, save $$$ the next few months, and then we can decide what is ahead!
So there are my rambling thoughts for today. Here are a few pics from the holidays I'll leave you with!
It is so great to be alone finally. DH and I both took the week between Christmas and New Year's off. We had planned to hang out with friends and family, go snowshoeing, and have some other adventures. With him being so sick, we spent the whole week on the couch watching TV. We also were together 24/7 and hardly saw anyone else. I think it was a little too much for both of us! I mentioned briefly before that the tension built and built until finally it exploded... on our anniversary of all days! That evening we had a huge fight. I really have no idea what it was all about. DH was in a grumpy mood from the start of the day and I think I had just had enough. We didn't do anything for our anniversary. We ended up having lunch out with friends after church and then a walk on the beach. We bought a cake and came home to watch a movie, and then the fight ensued. Fortunately it blew over quite quickly and even now the details are fuzzy to me (though at the time it was a big one... I even texted my girlfriends for some support, which I don't normally do). I should write a post about fighting another time. I have lots of thoughts/questions for all of you out there!
Anyways, I was really, really glad to start my new job this week and have an ounce of independence again. It went well and I think I will enjoy it, even though it only is a 4-month contract. I'm also looking forward to the income it will bring in! As much as it was nice to be out of the house for a bit, though, I really love my time alone in the home. DH hasn't been working much this week, though, so this is the first time I am alone. Something about having the house to myself just restores my soul. I need to do some cleaning/decluttering to be completely at ease, but still this is nice. I'm working on a few projects and hope to post some pictures later on.
When I look back at the holidays for 2012, there are some special moments that stand out. As much as it sucked to have DH sick, it was kind of romantic cuddled up by the fire as a family (me, him and our dog) doing nothing. We drank a lot of rum and coke and just did whatever we felt like. The snow we had over those 2 weeks was magical and fun. I did get out cross country skiing with my mom once, and DH and I went for our traditional New Year's snowshoe (though we normally do it on New Year's eve, but since his coughing fits come at nighttime we decided to go in the day instead). Our home was cozy and beautiful with the twinkling lights and Christmas tree. All in all, I think it provided a bittersweet time of grieving and building some hope for the future.
I don't know what the future holds right now, but the story is not over yet. In our fighting, DH said he was exhausted and finished with trying to have a family. We spoke briefly last night though, and he said he still does want a family. He is just burnt out and exhausted from trying. I understand that. I think I am ready to get back at it again (I don't think I ever really stopped wanting to try). My guess is that we will try one more IUI in the next few months. After that, who knows? I am surprising myself with considering doing IVF. Due to our situation, it might be the best shot, but it is something we never really considered. I'll write more about my thoughts about it another time. I'm also really open to adoption. I contacted the local agency already and have the initial papers, but DH is not ready to even look at them yet. But I think this is the year we need to make some hard decisions. I turn 32 this year, and with my egg quality/quantity diminishing, we don't have much time left. I'm hoping to save, save, save $$$ the next few months, and then we can decide what is ahead!
So there are my rambling thoughts for today. Here are a few pics from the holidays I'll leave you with!
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| Cross country skiing |
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| My prezzies from DH |
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| New Year's Snowshoe! |
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| So pretty! |
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| New hair for the New Year! |
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Happy New Year! And the winner is...
Happy New Year everyone!
I'd like to announce the winner of Home Grown Love's first ever give-away... the prize goes to...
Jenny at Sprout! Jenny has been TTC for the past few years and just recently received her surprise BFP! It is super exciting, so give her some love. The prize will be a hand-made cowl I am working on knitting, but it's not quite done yet. I'll post a picture of it once it is all finished (hopefully soon!). Jenny, you can email your address to me through my blogger profile and I'll send it in the mail once it's done.
Thanks again to all my readers/friends for supporting me this year. This year has been a pretty shitty one. But let's hope that one shitty year means the next will be better. DH and I didn't really want to celebrate over this holiday period (plus he was sick, which was a bummer). As I packed up the Christmas decorations tears streamed down my face, thinking of all that this year should have been, and mourning the fact that another year went by with unfulfilled longings. We didn't go out to celebrate New Year's last night, but we stayed in playing games (well, chess actually), drinking rum and cokes, watching a movie, and having some, *ahem* 'special' cuddle time. It was a really nice way to end the year together and ring in the new one on a good note. At least for a night, the baby-making worries were put aside and we just had a plain old good time. (And it made up for the massive fight we had the night before, on our anniversary... but more to come on that another time).
Today I am exhausted. We stayed up late last night and didn't sleep in. We went for a snowshoe this afternoon which left us both pooped! I start my new job tomorrow, and in two weekends we head off for DH's brother's wedding and then a vacation. So I have lots on my mind! It'll be a busy few weeks, but I'll try to write more when I can.
Until then, Happy New Year!
I'd like to announce the winner of Home Grown Love's first ever give-away... the prize goes to...
Jenny at Sprout! Jenny has been TTC for the past few years and just recently received her surprise BFP! It is super exciting, so give her some love. The prize will be a hand-made cowl I am working on knitting, but it's not quite done yet. I'll post a picture of it once it is all finished (hopefully soon!). Jenny, you can email your address to me through my blogger profile and I'll send it in the mail once it's done.
Thanks again to all my readers/friends for supporting me this year. This year has been a pretty shitty one. But let's hope that one shitty year means the next will be better. DH and I didn't really want to celebrate over this holiday period (plus he was sick, which was a bummer). As I packed up the Christmas decorations tears streamed down my face, thinking of all that this year should have been, and mourning the fact that another year went by with unfulfilled longings. We didn't go out to celebrate New Year's last night, but we stayed in playing games (well, chess actually), drinking rum and cokes, watching a movie, and having some, *ahem* 'special' cuddle time. It was a really nice way to end the year together and ring in the new one on a good note. At least for a night, the baby-making worries were put aside and we just had a plain old good time. (And it made up for the massive fight we had the night before, on our anniversary... but more to come on that another time).
Today I am exhausted. We stayed up late last night and didn't sleep in. We went for a snowshoe this afternoon which left us both pooped! I start my new job tomorrow, and in two weekends we head off for DH's brother's wedding and then a vacation. So I have lots on my mind! It'll be a busy few weeks, but I'll try to write more when I can.
Until then, Happy New Year!
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