Why I like to skip church (and how infertility has affected my views on church)

I want to share with you my confession.  It's Sunday today.  I skipped church again this week.  Since we were away last weekend, this is the 3rd Sunday I have missed. 

That may not seem like a big deal to most people.  Most people even who attend church regularly miss weeks from time to time.  You may not know this though, (please don't let this scare you away from my blog...I'm still a normal infertile girl), but my husband is a pastor.  A PASTOR of a church.  Which makes me... a pastor's wife.  I'm not sure how many of you have church backgrounds, but historically pastor's wives have been their own breed of women.  They are always nice, well dressed, they play the piano every Sunday, and they teach the children in Sunday school.  I never wanted to be a pastor's wife.  Actually, my father is also a pastor, as is my grandfather, and so on.  I had planned to escape the cycle.  In all honesty, I make a good pastor's wife.  I am nice.  I play the piano.  I am willing to help out where it's needed.  I do not swear, or dress scantily, or seek to cause a scene in social situations.  But here's the thing:

I don't really like going to church!  This dislike has grown over the years.  There are seasons where it is alright and I can manage going.  But there are other seasons where I just hate being at church.  It's not that I don't find it important.  I believe that Christians should gather together, should be in community, should teach each other and learn together.  I grew up going to church and it is familiar and safe for me.  I do love the idea of church! 

But I envy couples who do not have to go to church every Sunday.  Saturday is our only sleep-in lazy day, and often Saturday is the day that events are going on - farmer's markets, ski days, garage sales - so we're up early to embrace the day.  I love the idea of a lazy Sunday morning where we sleep in together, make pancakes and coffee, and then enjoy the day.  I've always said if church took place in the evening, I would much rather go.  There's never anything to do on a Monday or Thursday night.  I'd happily go to church then.

The other thing about church is all the babies.  It doesn't so much bother me to see them, except for one thing.  I don't know why, but I always wanted to be one of the moms who stood at the back of church with their baby.  When the baby fussed, they walked around.  If they had to change a diaper, they left the service for a while.  At the end of church, they met with other moms and talked about their children.  I always looked forward to this time in my life.  I guess it is a symbol of a desire that I always had.  That, and I wanted an excuse to be able to be late for church ("it was because of the baby"), walk around if I needed a break ("the baby is fussy"), and connect with other women my age.  Right now in my church, there are ZERO young married couples without kids.  The couples younger than us have their first child.  The ones our age and older have completed families and kids in school.  The ones without kids are empty-nesters who still just talk about their kids' lives now that they have left home.  So there really is nobody for me to connect with.  Church has become a lonely place for me.  Being in pastoral ministry is lonely to start with, because people treat you different or don't want to get too close.  Without kids, it has become unbearable for me, and every Sunday is a reminder of that.  Oh, and don't get me started on the comments people make if I ever decide to be nice and talk to someone with a baby or, heaven forbid, hold another person's baby!  "Your turn will be next."  "Isn't it about time you started a family?"  "When are you going to start a family?"  "Oh, your children will be sooo cute!" 

Is it any wonder I have no desire to go to church at this point in time?