Okay, I knew as soon as I typed up my post last night that I would need to temper it with another post today. I have done A LOT of thinking about why this situation bothered me so much.
Let me first say, that I really, honestly do not see this girl as a threat! I, too, was a younger girl who found it easier to hang out with guys more than girls. This girl is a bit older, so I would have expected her to outgrow it, but she is single and living with some younger girls, and she is just super friendly all around. I honestly don't think she has any ulterior motives. I think she thinks DH is a cool guy, but I am positive that she would completely back off if I even hinted at what I was seeing. I also really am not worried about DH and any "wandering eyes" or anything like that. I know that there was absolutely nothing meant by the texts that he sent. In fact, if I asked him, he would drop that friendship in a flash and not even talk to her if I wanted it. There have been other girls in the past that I was more worried about because I didn't trust their motives at all (even if they were just a bit clueless and naive). This situation is not quite like that.
Still, even after talking to DH again about it... even after rationalizing all the things that I wrote above, I do still feel bothered by it. I don't fully know why, and that is the most troubling part for me. I think it has something much more to do with me, and how I'm doing, than it does my husband. It might be that I feel like DH is putting energy/drive into things for everbody else, but when it gets to me that drivev is lessened. I don't know. I think we're both also trying to adjust back into life. I didn't think this miscarriage had affected me so much, but I really think that our world has now drastically changed. We never will see things quite the same again. I think we're both trying to reinvent ourselves in the "what if we never do have kids" kind of way. I think, in a way, we need to fall in love with one another all over again, in this current state of mind. So, how do we do that??? Thoughts???
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
The thing about jealousy...
I am going to write about jealousy today. And no, I'm not talking about IF jealousy this time. Right now I feel I need a little break from the world of IF, so I'm focusing on other areas in life. The thing that has come up this week is jealousy. (After writing I realized how long and rambly this is, so sorry for that).
The kind of jealousy I'm talking about is the "back-away-from-my-husband-go-get-your-own" kind of jealousy. You know what I mean? I never thought I was a jealous person, really. I do greatly trust my husband and it has never been an issue of me feeling like he's checking out other girls, or anything like that. He works at a job that is quite involved with lots of different people, and I've come to realize that when he helps others, it really is about their well-being and nothing to do with his own needs. He is good at that. We've built up a great layer of trust that can't be easily broken? So why, all of a sudden, did this issue surface and turn me into a babbling, jealous wife this past week?
I think there are lots of reasons for that! First off, here I am... post-miscarriage, emotional, fat, tired, trying to move on with life but not having a ton of self-esteem (especially in the looks department). I admit, I'm not at my best. (On a side note, this realization has spun me into a complete rampage of trying to look nice, exercise like crazy, buy new clothes, go out on the town, drink wine, and wear high heels... which is quite unlike me normally. I feel like I am trying to redo myself completely.).
Secondly, we have DH. DH is...to put it delicately...in a fragile emotional state. What I mean is that he is still reeling from all that we have been through, wanting to sleep all day and stay up watching TV all night, lost all motivation to do anything...and, in short, depressed. Now, someone in a state of depression is not going to be the one doting on their wife, telling her how beautiful she is, giving her physical affection and being all googly-eyed over her. So, add that to my already low self-esteem, and the bases are loaded for a home-run meltdown.
And so, the silliest thing this week set me off. I feel almost ashamed to write it, but here goes. There is this girl in our young adults group who has recently started coming out. She is a friend of a friend who has now moved away. Our friend is married, and probably about 8 years older than her, but when he lived here they ALWAYS hung out together. I only met our friend's wife once or twice, but this other girl was always with him. She actually lived in their basement. I know that this guy is totally in love with his wife, and must have seen this girl in a little sister sort of way but it just was a little weird for me. I remember thinking that I wouldn't let that happen if I was his wife.
So back to this girl. She really is great. I like her. She is fun, she is happy. The problem is, I think she has more in common with DH than she does with me. And I think she's one of those girls who just is used to talking to guys more, and so when she talks to DH, she is much more animated and expressive than she is when she talks to me. She does make the effort to talk to me, but I just feel like she doens't like me as much. So, when she casually mentioned that DH had TEXTED HER on the weekend, I couldn't handle it. I didn't express it to her, but boy did I give DH the cold shoulder. We were with a group at a bonfire and I was so mad at him! The text was nothing major, just about a concert we were at of a group that she loves and wasn't able to get tickets to. But still! Maybe I'm not up on texting etiquette, but I felt like it is not okay for DH to have any sort of private conversation with this girl who doesn't seem to always get boundaries and stuff. I completely trust DH, I think I just don't trust her. And I was jealous!
In addition to that was the fact that DH asked her to play music with him at church on Sunday. Now this is a touchy one for me. I used to play music a lot. I love music. I just don't play much anymore. I would LOVE to sing, but I am not confident at all with my voice. DH and I have played together a few times, but I really am not good and don't think I meet his standards. He likes to have things done well. So, I let him play with others. However... I have this thing about couples doing music together. I think it is so sweet and cute when a married couple plays music together. I would love for that to be us! Yet, as much as I say that, I don't make it happen. I don't know why, but I just don't practice. I don't play with DH. I want to, but something stops me. And it makes me so mad at myself... and partially mad at DH for not encouraging me on more. I wish I could just play and get good, but it's almost like I feel like I never will so why bother (plus there is always other things to do that seem more important). So, it wasn't just the fact that he had asked her to play (though anytime he asks a girl I get a bit jealous), but it was also the fact that it was JUST GOING TO BE THE TWO OF THEM. Ahhhhh!!!!!!
I know you're going to ask if I talked to DH about it... and I did. I pulled him aside at the bonfire to explain why I was so mad. And he said he understood. I think he was telling the truth, but the problem is I don't even understand myself in it all. I do trust him completely. But I'm still mad about it. Lately I find myself constantly looking for reassurance that he still likes me. Of course he still likes me. I just am having a hard time seeing it right now. So that must be where this is all coming from. Whew... I unexpectedly started crying at the end of that part there. I just want him to be lovey-dovey in love with me again. I feel like the past year has stripped us of that. And I don't know how to get it back.
Can anyone relate to any of this at all? (I'm sure there will be a follow up to this post once my thoughts have settled some more... this is pretty raw).
The kind of jealousy I'm talking about is the "back-away-from-my-husband-go-get-your-own" kind of jealousy. You know what I mean? I never thought I was a jealous person, really. I do greatly trust my husband and it has never been an issue of me feeling like he's checking out other girls, or anything like that. He works at a job that is quite involved with lots of different people, and I've come to realize that when he helps others, it really is about their well-being and nothing to do with his own needs. He is good at that. We've built up a great layer of trust that can't be easily broken? So why, all of a sudden, did this issue surface and turn me into a babbling, jealous wife this past week?
I think there are lots of reasons for that! First off, here I am... post-miscarriage, emotional, fat, tired, trying to move on with life but not having a ton of self-esteem (especially in the looks department). I admit, I'm not at my best. (On a side note, this realization has spun me into a complete rampage of trying to look nice, exercise like crazy, buy new clothes, go out on the town, drink wine, and wear high heels... which is quite unlike me normally. I feel like I am trying to redo myself completely.).
Secondly, we have DH. DH is...to put it delicately...in a fragile emotional state. What I mean is that he is still reeling from all that we have been through, wanting to sleep all day and stay up watching TV all night, lost all motivation to do anything...and, in short, depressed. Now, someone in a state of depression is not going to be the one doting on their wife, telling her how beautiful she is, giving her physical affection and being all googly-eyed over her. So, add that to my already low self-esteem, and the bases are loaded for a home-run meltdown.
And so, the silliest thing this week set me off. I feel almost ashamed to write it, but here goes. There is this girl in our young adults group who has recently started coming out. She is a friend of a friend who has now moved away. Our friend is married, and probably about 8 years older than her, but when he lived here they ALWAYS hung out together. I only met our friend's wife once or twice, but this other girl was always with him. She actually lived in their basement. I know that this guy is totally in love with his wife, and must have seen this girl in a little sister sort of way but it just was a little weird for me. I remember thinking that I wouldn't let that happen if I was his wife.
So back to this girl. She really is great. I like her. She is fun, she is happy. The problem is, I think she has more in common with DH than she does with me. And I think she's one of those girls who just is used to talking to guys more, and so when she talks to DH, she is much more animated and expressive than she is when she talks to me. She does make the effort to talk to me, but I just feel like she doens't like me as much. So, when she casually mentioned that DH had TEXTED HER on the weekend, I couldn't handle it. I didn't express it to her, but boy did I give DH the cold shoulder. We were with a group at a bonfire and I was so mad at him! The text was nothing major, just about a concert we were at of a group that she loves and wasn't able to get tickets to. But still! Maybe I'm not up on texting etiquette, but I felt like it is not okay for DH to have any sort of private conversation with this girl who doesn't seem to always get boundaries and stuff. I completely trust DH, I think I just don't trust her. And I was jealous!
In addition to that was the fact that DH asked her to play music with him at church on Sunday. Now this is a touchy one for me. I used to play music a lot. I love music. I just don't play much anymore. I would LOVE to sing, but I am not confident at all with my voice. DH and I have played together a few times, but I really am not good and don't think I meet his standards. He likes to have things done well. So, I let him play with others. However... I have this thing about couples doing music together. I think it is so sweet and cute when a married couple plays music together. I would love for that to be us! Yet, as much as I say that, I don't make it happen. I don't know why, but I just don't practice. I don't play with DH. I want to, but something stops me. And it makes me so mad at myself... and partially mad at DH for not encouraging me on more. I wish I could just play and get good, but it's almost like I feel like I never will so why bother (plus there is always other things to do that seem more important). So, it wasn't just the fact that he had asked her to play (though anytime he asks a girl I get a bit jealous), but it was also the fact that it was JUST GOING TO BE THE TWO OF THEM. Ahhhhh!!!!!!
I know you're going to ask if I talked to DH about it... and I did. I pulled him aside at the bonfire to explain why I was so mad. And he said he understood. I think he was telling the truth, but the problem is I don't even understand myself in it all. I do trust him completely. But I'm still mad about it. Lately I find myself constantly looking for reassurance that he still likes me. Of course he still likes me. I just am having a hard time seeing it right now. So that must be where this is all coming from. Whew... I unexpectedly started crying at the end of that part there. I just want him to be lovey-dovey in love with me again. I feel like the past year has stripped us of that. And I don't know how to get it back.
Can anyone relate to any of this at all? (I'm sure there will be a follow up to this post once my thoughts have settled some more... this is pretty raw).
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Still here
I'm still here. Still getting by. I think the bleeding has stopped for good. I went in for acupuncture today and she did a treatment to help draw out any remains in the uterus.
I've made it through the week and we're leaving first thing in the morning. Hooray. I only wish it were longer...
I think my hormones must be adjusting themselves, because I'm all over again. I want to cry, but I cant. Some things make me sad, and other things make me so happy, but I still don't feel like I can fully express my happiness. I am super cranky and on edge the last few days. I want the boys out of the house! I want friends, but I also don't want people around because I'm pooped from work. I feel exhausted pretty much all the time!
I just realized that next weekend is the weekend my brother-in-law moves out, and my sister and hubby (and baby in-utero) arrive for their visit. I'm not ready for that! I'm not nearly finished the quilt I'm making. And we're not emotionally ready to see them and hang out and have a fun time. DH is especially dreading it. Also there was a bunch of work/family/church stuff (all related) that came up this week. I am stressed. I can't handle any more stress. Neither can DH. But there really is no way to get out of it.
I think right about now, we need a miracle to get through this next month.
I've made it through the week and we're leaving first thing in the morning. Hooray. I only wish it were longer...
I think my hormones must be adjusting themselves, because I'm all over again. I want to cry, but I cant. Some things make me sad, and other things make me so happy, but I still don't feel like I can fully express my happiness. I am super cranky and on edge the last few days. I want the boys out of the house! I want friends, but I also don't want people around because I'm pooped from work. I feel exhausted pretty much all the time!
I just realized that next weekend is the weekend my brother-in-law moves out, and my sister and hubby (and baby in-utero) arrive for their visit. I'm not ready for that! I'm not nearly finished the quilt I'm making. And we're not emotionally ready to see them and hang out and have a fun time. DH is especially dreading it. Also there was a bunch of work/family/church stuff (all related) that came up this week. I am stressed. I can't handle any more stress. Neither can DH. But there really is no way to get out of it.
I think right about now, we need a miracle to get through this next month.
Monday, May 21, 2012
I thought it was over...
I thought it was over... but it's not.
Last night I passed the sac. I won't get into all the details here, except to say that it was surprising, slightly traumatizing, and a bit yucky. I had felt fine all day. I even went for 2 walks. I told DH that I felt like my womb was still inflamed, and hurt to touch, but overall I felt much better. My bleeding had mostly subsided. And then, while we were out with your young adults group (in Boston Pizza of all places), it came out. Shocking. All night long I had bad cramping again and was up almost every hour. I hope it's all out now. I still feel a bit crampy and inflamed, so I'm not sure if that means there's more? I'm not sure what anything means anymore. Clearly, I have no idea what my body is doing, and it's not doing things the "standard" way (if there is even one).
I'm exhausted, but at work today. The only thing getting me through is that DH and I are going away for a night for a concert in Vancouver. I'm so excited! We almost weren't going to go due to finances, but we decided that we need a FUN night away. Just have to make it to Friday...
Last night I passed the sac. I won't get into all the details here, except to say that it was surprising, slightly traumatizing, and a bit yucky. I had felt fine all day. I even went for 2 walks. I told DH that I felt like my womb was still inflamed, and hurt to touch, but overall I felt much better. My bleeding had mostly subsided. And then, while we were out with your young adults group (in Boston Pizza of all places), it came out. Shocking. All night long I had bad cramping again and was up almost every hour. I hope it's all out now. I still feel a bit crampy and inflamed, so I'm not sure if that means there's more? I'm not sure what anything means anymore. Clearly, I have no idea what my body is doing, and it's not doing things the "standard" way (if there is even one).
I'm exhausted, but at work today. The only thing getting me through is that DH and I are going away for a night for a concert in Vancouver. I'm so excited! We almost weren't going to go due to finances, but we decided that we need a FUN night away. Just have to make it to Friday...
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Spring photos
I almost forgot that I promised a picture of my latest project. It is not done yet, but I am working on my first quilt! After I got that wonderful sewing machine for my birthday I really wanted to make a quilt. Only problem, I have never made one before (besides some quilted placemats in grade 11 sewing). But, I just decided to go at it! The plan is to give it to my sister for her baby, but I might just keep it for myself. We'll see. It is still in progress. I have to finish the quilting and then I hope to put a border of satin all around the edges. It is so cozy. I'll get a better picture up once it's done.
Today I did make it out to the Farmer's Market. Here's a shot from there.
And I came home with a bunch of tomato plants and got them staked up to grow nice and big!
Oooh, and I don't remember posting a picture of my "girly" room I created. Since I live with so many boys (3 right now) I decided I need a space for myself. So I rearranged the guest room and put in a sewing center, a tea and reading area and just girlied it up. I love it!
And don't worry. I did take a nap today! I'm resting again now and then we're having P&J over for dinner. It will be nice to see some friends again.
Today I did make it out to the Farmer's Market. Here's a shot from there.
And I came home with a bunch of tomato plants and got them staked up to grow nice and big!
Oooh, and I don't remember posting a picture of my "girly" room I created. Since I live with so many boys (3 right now) I decided I need a space for myself. So I rearranged the guest room and put in a sewing center, a tea and reading area and just girlied it up. I love it!
Friday, May 18, 2012
Afterthoughts
Today was a much better day! I felt alive again today. I still had some moments of cramping/pain but they were minimal, likely due to the fact that I kept taking painkillers all day today. I took it quite easy but couldn't sit and do absolutely nothing, so I mopped the floors and was the "overseer" as DH and his brother power-washed the house and used the weed-eater on the lawn. Later I tried to sweep the deck and realized that was a bad idea as I had some cramping afterwards. Overall I felt pretty good though. I tried to nap but wasn't nearly as exhausted (plus I had slept for almost 11 hours last night). I just felt so relieved to be through the worst of it!
Emotionally, I actually feel really good. All day I just had this settled, happy feeling, like when you have a secret and there is a smile tucked softly in your lips. I tried to explain it to DH and the closest feeling I could relate it to was nostalgia, where you are remembering something that gives you good memories. I don't know why I feel that way today. Maybe it's partly the hope I have that now we can move on... and the feeling I have that we WILL be successful. Or it just could be hormones readjusting back to normal and maybe I've just been a grump for so long that I forgot what it was like to be happy. Haha! I realized that I barely cried at all during this whole ordeal. The only time tears came was last night, when I was in so much pain. I had heard about a lady we used to know who just had a baby. She must be over 40, and had adopted 2 children already because her and her husband couldn't have kids. I don't know what happened... I didn't even know she was pregnant... but I looked her up on Facebook and there she was holding a brand new baby. Something about that just broke me and I cried and cried.
There's a few thoughts I've been mulling on in going through this miscarriage. Some may be advice for others going through this, and some are just simple observations. Here they are:
- Part of me wishes I had gone ahead with the D&C, or even the misoprostal much earlier than I did. If I had of known the whole ordeal would have been drawn out so long (we found out that we had a blighted ovum at 7 1/2 weeks and did not miscarry naturally until 12 1/2 weeks!), I would have sped it up for sure. We just kept thinking, "Well, it might be tomorrow..." I was scared to use the misoprostal (now I don't think it was much worse than what I experienced) and I didn't want to do a D&C unnecessarily. I'd like to think that the extra time we waited allowed us to emotionally come to terms with what had happened. When it did actually happen, it wasn't surprising and we were ready for it. Somehow, I think that made it easier. I still wonder, though, how we would feel it we had gone ahead with it sooner...
- The lack of precise information about miscarriages is really annoying! I read and read online, but everyone's experience is unique. The part I hated most was not knowing what to expect! It was so reassuring when I received some of your comments (like the one from Mo... thank you!) that helped me see that what I was going through was normal.
- In hindsight, I wish that more people knew about our pregnancy so they could have been there for us through the miscarriage. It was really awkward to be in a place where we were waiting to miscarry, but had not yet. Now that it is over we do plan to tell people that we had a miscarriage and hope we'll get some "after" support.
- Hot water bottle, cool cloth, comfy pants and ibuprofen were lifesavers! At first I had read not to take ibuprofen, but once the nurse told me I could take it and it would help the cramps, I found that it worked way better than tylenol. Thank you nurse!
- I know I had heard about miscarriages before, but really I had no idea the impact of what they were like. I guess that I had never really thought through the process before. Even knowing that my mom had a miscarriage didn't really clue me in. I kind of thought it happened, and it was over, and people move on. For one thing, I didn't realize that they could be so long and drawn out (though I think our case was a bit abnormal). And secondly, I didn't realize the impact that they can have - both physically and emotionally.
- On that note, I know that a lot of people do something to remember their lost baby. I feel torn about this one. Because right from the beginning we knew there was a problem, and because it was a blighted ovum, I never really felt attached to an actual "baby." Still, we had the potential to have a baby, and that failed. Also I don't know how/when to actually "date" the miscarriage as a day to remember. I think I will mark it as May 16th, since that's when the major bleeding started and all. I did pass a bit of something tissue like that could have been the sac... the nurse said it was too small, but it was only a 5-week sac that was shrinking in size. So I think it could have been the baby sac. That was on the morning of the 16th so that is the day I will choose to remember. My mom bought me a plant in memory of this life and I will plant that.
- I plan to take good care of my body the next little while and do what I can to nourish it back to health and vitality. If anyone has any tips on natural remedies to aid in recovery after a miscarriage, feel free to pass them on! Has anyone done a fertility cleanse? I might try that once my cycle gets sorted out.
- As much as I am excited to get back to baby-making, I don't feel anxious to get going. I'm sure that as soon as things start up again, I'll want to get right back at it, but right now I feel glad to be able to let my body get itself sorted out. I also have grand notions that we will become pregnant quite quickly again. I know that is not always the case and so I need to protect myself from disappointment. I just can't seem to shake off that notion...
Well, that's all for now. Oh, I have to show you the project I've been working on during my down-time here (to keep me from going crazy!). Stay tuned for a photo tomorrow. Goodnight everyone!
Emotionally, I actually feel really good. All day I just had this settled, happy feeling, like when you have a secret and there is a smile tucked softly in your lips. I tried to explain it to DH and the closest feeling I could relate it to was nostalgia, where you are remembering something that gives you good memories. I don't know why I feel that way today. Maybe it's partly the hope I have that now we can move on... and the feeling I have that we WILL be successful. Or it just could be hormones readjusting back to normal and maybe I've just been a grump for so long that I forgot what it was like to be happy. Haha! I realized that I barely cried at all during this whole ordeal. The only time tears came was last night, when I was in so much pain. I had heard about a lady we used to know who just had a baby. She must be over 40, and had adopted 2 children already because her and her husband couldn't have kids. I don't know what happened... I didn't even know she was pregnant... but I looked her up on Facebook and there she was holding a brand new baby. Something about that just broke me and I cried and cried.
There's a few thoughts I've been mulling on in going through this miscarriage. Some may be advice for others going through this, and some are just simple observations. Here they are:
- Part of me wishes I had gone ahead with the D&C, or even the misoprostal much earlier than I did. If I had of known the whole ordeal would have been drawn out so long (we found out that we had a blighted ovum at 7 1/2 weeks and did not miscarry naturally until 12 1/2 weeks!), I would have sped it up for sure. We just kept thinking, "Well, it might be tomorrow..." I was scared to use the misoprostal (now I don't think it was much worse than what I experienced) and I didn't want to do a D&C unnecessarily. I'd like to think that the extra time we waited allowed us to emotionally come to terms with what had happened. When it did actually happen, it wasn't surprising and we were ready for it. Somehow, I think that made it easier. I still wonder, though, how we would feel it we had gone ahead with it sooner...
- The lack of precise information about miscarriages is really annoying! I read and read online, but everyone's experience is unique. The part I hated most was not knowing what to expect! It was so reassuring when I received some of your comments (like the one from Mo... thank you!) that helped me see that what I was going through was normal.
- In hindsight, I wish that more people knew about our pregnancy so they could have been there for us through the miscarriage. It was really awkward to be in a place where we were waiting to miscarry, but had not yet. Now that it is over we do plan to tell people that we had a miscarriage and hope we'll get some "after" support.
- Hot water bottle, cool cloth, comfy pants and ibuprofen were lifesavers! At first I had read not to take ibuprofen, but once the nurse told me I could take it and it would help the cramps, I found that it worked way better than tylenol. Thank you nurse!
- I know I had heard about miscarriages before, but really I had no idea the impact of what they were like. I guess that I had never really thought through the process before. Even knowing that my mom had a miscarriage didn't really clue me in. I kind of thought it happened, and it was over, and people move on. For one thing, I didn't realize that they could be so long and drawn out (though I think our case was a bit abnormal). And secondly, I didn't realize the impact that they can have - both physically and emotionally.
- On that note, I know that a lot of people do something to remember their lost baby. I feel torn about this one. Because right from the beginning we knew there was a problem, and because it was a blighted ovum, I never really felt attached to an actual "baby." Still, we had the potential to have a baby, and that failed. Also I don't know how/when to actually "date" the miscarriage as a day to remember. I think I will mark it as May 16th, since that's when the major bleeding started and all. I did pass a bit of something tissue like that could have been the sac... the nurse said it was too small, but it was only a 5-week sac that was shrinking in size. So I think it could have been the baby sac. That was on the morning of the 16th so that is the day I will choose to remember. My mom bought me a plant in memory of this life and I will plant that.
- I plan to take good care of my body the next little while and do what I can to nourish it back to health and vitality. If anyone has any tips on natural remedies to aid in recovery after a miscarriage, feel free to pass them on! Has anyone done a fertility cleanse? I might try that once my cycle gets sorted out.
- As much as I am excited to get back to baby-making, I don't feel anxious to get going. I'm sure that as soon as things start up again, I'll want to get right back at it, but right now I feel glad to be able to let my body get itself sorted out. I also have grand notions that we will become pregnant quite quickly again. I know that is not always the case and so I need to protect myself from disappointment. I just can't seem to shake off that notion...
Well, that's all for now. Oh, I have to show you the project I've been working on during my down-time here (to keep me from going crazy!). Stay tuned for a photo tomorrow. Goodnight everyone!
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Evening update
Thanks everyone for all the wonderful comments and support! Since not many people around me actually know what is going on, it is so great to have your support.
I feel WAY better than I did when I wrote the last post. I'm not quite sure why, but I suddenly feel "normal" again. I was soooo out of it, probably due to lack of food and lots of tylenol. I took the second dose of misoprostal almost 4 hours ago. Since then, everything has majorly calmed down. It's weird because I was expecting it to get way worse. Maybe I didn't insert it far enough in? Or maybe this is the calm before the storm? I don't know, but I'm not complaining at having a bit of reprieve. I was able to get out of bed, eat a tiny bit of dinner, do some sewing (I have to get this quilt done before my sis arrives in a few weeks). The contractions have mostly stopped and it's more like cramping now. The bleeding has actually subsided a bit. I'm not sure that means it's "over" but for now I feel alright. I sent DH out for some gelato and am going to cuddle up with a movie and the hot water bottle (Yes Crystal, it has worked wonders! So has a cool cloth on my belly with the hot water bottle on my lower back). I'll probably check-in with my RE tomorrow to make sure everything seems okay and go from there.
I feel WAY better than I did when I wrote the last post. I'm not quite sure why, but I suddenly feel "normal" again. I was soooo out of it, probably due to lack of food and lots of tylenol. I took the second dose of misoprostal almost 4 hours ago. Since then, everything has majorly calmed down. It's weird because I was expecting it to get way worse. Maybe I didn't insert it far enough in? Or maybe this is the calm before the storm? I don't know, but I'm not complaining at having a bit of reprieve. I was able to get out of bed, eat a tiny bit of dinner, do some sewing (I have to get this quilt done before my sis arrives in a few weeks). The contractions have mostly stopped and it's more like cramping now. The bleeding has actually subsided a bit. I'm not sure that means it's "over" but for now I feel alright. I sent DH out for some gelato and am going to cuddle up with a movie and the hot water bottle (Yes Crystal, it has worked wonders! So has a cool cloth on my belly with the hot water bottle on my lower back). I'll probably check-in with my RE tomorrow to make sure everything seems okay and go from there.
Day 2: Miscarriage
This is definitely the least fun thing I have ever had to go through!
The contractions I faced yesterday lasted pretty much all night. I slept for about 2 hours and then was up til 3am. Finally I called the24-hour nurses line and the nurse was wonderful. I was basically worried because though I was having all the contractions, they weren't producing anything (tissue, clots, etc.). I was bleeding, but that was it. Also the pain was getting more and more intense (probably a 6/7 out of 10). She basically told me that if the pain got any worse, or if I became feverish or lightheaded, I should go to the hospital. She also told me I could take ibuprofen (I had only taken extra strength tylenol). That did the trick. I finally fell asleep and slept through till morning.
Pretty much all of today has been spent in bed. I had to call my RE this morning and he told me that he would like me to take the misoprostal to get things moving along. So I took the first dose this morning and will do another one this afternoon. That was super gross, but anyways... moving along. I don't think it has really helped yet. I am bleeding more but still not passing the tissue that I need to. Hopefully this second dose will really get things going. I am so tired of the constant pain all the way from my uterus to my lower back. My body is tired of going through this. I can barely eat anything because food makes me feel super sick. DH looked at me and said I look so haggard, haha.
I just want it to be over soon. I feel like I'm ready, but obviously my body does not. Maybe there are some deep seeded emotions not wanting to let go of this little life and my body is holding on for that. I don't know. All I know is that I can't wait till this is over and life can resume to normal once again. I really don't wish this experience on anybody!
The contractions I faced yesterday lasted pretty much all night. I slept for about 2 hours and then was up til 3am. Finally I called the24-hour nurses line and the nurse was wonderful. I was basically worried because though I was having all the contractions, they weren't producing anything (tissue, clots, etc.). I was bleeding, but that was it. Also the pain was getting more and more intense (probably a 6/7 out of 10). She basically told me that if the pain got any worse, or if I became feverish or lightheaded, I should go to the hospital. She also told me I could take ibuprofen (I had only taken extra strength tylenol). That did the trick. I finally fell asleep and slept through till morning.
Pretty much all of today has been spent in bed. I had to call my RE this morning and he told me that he would like me to take the misoprostal to get things moving along. So I took the first dose this morning and will do another one this afternoon. That was super gross, but anyways... moving along. I don't think it has really helped yet. I am bleeding more but still not passing the tissue that I need to. Hopefully this second dose will really get things going. I am so tired of the constant pain all the way from my uterus to my lower back. My body is tired of going through this. I can barely eat anything because food makes me feel super sick. DH looked at me and said I look so haggard, haha.
I just want it to be over soon. I feel like I'm ready, but obviously my body does not. Maybe there are some deep seeded emotions not wanting to let go of this little life and my body is holding on for that. I don't know. All I know is that I can't wait till this is over and life can resume to normal once again. I really don't wish this experience on anybody!
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
The one about the miscarriage
It's here. It's official. I am miscarrying.
***Warning: This is a TMI post about my current state of miscarriage.***
I went back to the doctor on Monday to see what he said and, surprisingly, I started very lightly spotting that morning. We had a talk anyways and decided that if the spotting hadn't progressed by the end of the week, I would take misoprostal. Tuesday was just more spotting, and I had some slight cramps at the end of the day.
This morning I was woken up near 5:00am with waves of cramping. Though similar to period cramps, it was different and more intense. I tried to count to see if it was contraction-like in the timing but gave up. I wavered between sleep, cramps, and using the washroom until I got up at 8:00 for work. I wasn't bleeding very much yet and thought I'd see how bad I was doing. So, I took the dog for a walk! I came back and showered and got myself ready. I was still cramping, but it would just come every few minutes and then subside. I decided I'd go in for a meeting I had this morning and then likely do a short day. I actually survived pretty well at work but was feeling slightly foggy and out of it so I decided to come home. When I got home, I napped. Since I woke up though, the cramping has definitely increased. It is kind of like a constant pain radiating from my uterus to my back. It still comes in waves and gets intense, then tapers off. I am bleeding a bit more, and just now starting to pass some tissue. I had called the doctor earlier to see if I should still pick up the prescription for misoprostal and he said to take it if things hadn't "advanced" by tomorrow morning. So I picked it up. I'm freaked out of using it though, and now I'm thinking I might not have to.
Currently, I can't figure out what to do with myself. It's uncomfortable lying down. It's uncomfortable sitting. I can barely walk around except slowly and carefully. I tried reading and couldn't concentrate. I tried eating but feel kind of ill. My sink is full of dishes that I want to do, but can't even muster up the energy to get to. A hot water bottle has been helpful and I'll probably go distract myself with some TV.
I did call sick into work tomorrow too so we'll see how this goes and go from there. I don't know if I can expect it to get worse, or if it will be like this for a long time... the hardest part is not knowing! Any other tips or suggestions on how to get through this??? Thanks for the support!
***Warning: This is a TMI post about my current state of miscarriage.***
I went back to the doctor on Monday to see what he said and, surprisingly, I started very lightly spotting that morning. We had a talk anyways and decided that if the spotting hadn't progressed by the end of the week, I would take misoprostal. Tuesday was just more spotting, and I had some slight cramps at the end of the day.
This morning I was woken up near 5:00am with waves of cramping. Though similar to period cramps, it was different and more intense. I tried to count to see if it was contraction-like in the timing but gave up. I wavered between sleep, cramps, and using the washroom until I got up at 8:00 for work. I wasn't bleeding very much yet and thought I'd see how bad I was doing. So, I took the dog for a walk! I came back and showered and got myself ready. I was still cramping, but it would just come every few minutes and then subside. I decided I'd go in for a meeting I had this morning and then likely do a short day. I actually survived pretty well at work but was feeling slightly foggy and out of it so I decided to come home. When I got home, I napped. Since I woke up though, the cramping has definitely increased. It is kind of like a constant pain radiating from my uterus to my back. It still comes in waves and gets intense, then tapers off. I am bleeding a bit more, and just now starting to pass some tissue. I had called the doctor earlier to see if I should still pick up the prescription for misoprostal and he said to take it if things hadn't "advanced" by tomorrow morning. So I picked it up. I'm freaked out of using it though, and now I'm thinking I might not have to.
Currently, I can't figure out what to do with myself. It's uncomfortable lying down. It's uncomfortable sitting. I can barely walk around except slowly and carefully. I tried reading and couldn't concentrate. I tried eating but feel kind of ill. My sink is full of dishes that I want to do, but can't even muster up the energy to get to. A hot water bottle has been helpful and I'll probably go distract myself with some TV.
I did call sick into work tomorrow too so we'll see how this goes and go from there. I don't know if I can expect it to get worse, or if it will be like this for a long time... the hardest part is not knowing! Any other tips or suggestions on how to get through this??? Thanks for the support!
Monday, May 14, 2012
Maybe?
It might just be happening...
I woke up this morning to my first ounce of spotting since this whole rigamaroo began. Woo hoo!!! It hasn't progressed to much more than that, but right now, I'll take it.
I survived yesterday. It wasn't so bad. I was so worried that I was going to miscarry on Mother's Day. How traumatic a memory would that be? At the same time, I was getting so antsy hoping it would happen soon. Yesterday was the nicest day we've had all year long (24 degree weather!). I even got to "skip" church because our dog was a bit sick and DH didn't want to leave her locked up. So I happily volunteered (so glad I did!). We had lunch with my mom and some friends. I was pretty demotivated with the nice weather so I didn't accomplish much else, but it was an enjoyable day. Only one person thought of me and checked up on how I was doing (love you BFF!), but that was enough.
I go to see the doctor later this morning. He wanted to review my last ultrasound report and I figure it would be good to hear what he has to say. Will keep you posted.
I woke up this morning to my first ounce of spotting since this whole rigamaroo began. Woo hoo!!! It hasn't progressed to much more than that, but right now, I'll take it.
I survived yesterday. It wasn't so bad. I was so worried that I was going to miscarry on Mother's Day. How traumatic a memory would that be? At the same time, I was getting so antsy hoping it would happen soon. Yesterday was the nicest day we've had all year long (24 degree weather!). I even got to "skip" church because our dog was a bit sick and DH didn't want to leave her locked up. So I happily volunteered (so glad I did!). We had lunch with my mom and some friends. I was pretty demotivated with the nice weather so I didn't accomplish much else, but it was an enjoyable day. Only one person thought of me and checked up on how I was doing (love you BFF!), but that was enough.
I go to see the doctor later this morning. He wanted to review my last ultrasound report and I figure it would be good to hear what he has to say. Will keep you posted.
Friday, May 11, 2012
musings of the mind
DH and I had a lovely drive this morning for me to see the counsellor. It was such a gorgeous sunny day. We picked up coffees, put on some tunes, and went on our way. The way down we actually had a nice time just talking about stuff. Not fertility stuff, but just other life stuff. It was nice.
My appointment with the counsellor went well. It wasn't anything groundbreaking, and for part of the time I felt like I could have been the one asking myself the questions, since they were things that I have been saying to myself all along. But there were a few highlights and things that came to awareness. I'm going to list a few here to help me gather my thoughts about today:
- Right now I have a lot of resentment towards my parents. It's not that they are bad parents, but I'm obviously not putting enough boundaries up because I'm building resentment (more on that another day)
- Due to the previous realization, I am going to have a talk with my parents (or write a letter) asking them to step back a bit from their involvement in our lives with regards to infertility.
- I really value my husband and how he has handled all of this. I want to honour him more and respect his wishes for space and privacy (from other people) when he needs it. One way to do that involves not having my parents as involved in our lives right now.
- I need to learn to say no. I always thought I was pretty good with boundaries and all that. However, I've realized that I only say no if I have a valid excuse! It is nearly impossible for me to say no to somebody if I just don't want to do what they are asking m. I always come up with an excuse or go along with what I'm being asked to do. Even this morning, my brother-in-law wanted us to make the 3-hour drive with him to look at houses in Victoria where he is moving. I didn't want to go, but I had told him we would try to make it. Conveniently I booked my counselling appointment on the same day so that I couldn't go!
- DH and I are "normal" (as far as infertiles go) in our struggle to maintain intimacy in baby-making right now. BUT... the good news is that it won't always be that way! It is possible for us to get back to the way things were before.
- One of my hardest struggles with infertility is my lack of control. I am the kind of person who does what needs to get done and works hard to achieve what I want. I am an overachiever, efficient, productive, a hard-worker. To work so hard at something and have done everything "right" and not have it work is BRAND NEW for me. I don't really know how to handle it.
- I really feel like I have come to peace with this miscarriage (not meaning that I'm not sad) through this time I've had to grieve. For the most part, I don't mind how long it has taken, because I probably would have needed as much time just to grieve emotionally. (I just hope it doesn't mean my body will take that much longer to get back to normal).
There. So, looking at all that, I guess I would say today was pretty successful. Wow! DH and I had a yummy sushi lunch (gotta get it in while I can) and then drove home. What was crazy is that just as we were walking to the appointment, we ran into one of DH's childhood best friends. He doesn't live in that city, but just happened to be there overnight and was just chilling. So DH had a chance to catch up with him while I had my appointment. That was pretty cool.
I am fighting some sort of bug right now. I felt like I hadn't been real sick for so long. I was on such a good trend. And it's gorgeous weather this weekend so that kind of sucks. But today was a good day and I'll cuddle up early tonight and hope that a good night's sleep will cure all ails. Thanks for listening!
My appointment with the counsellor went well. It wasn't anything groundbreaking, and for part of the time I felt like I could have been the one asking myself the questions, since they were things that I have been saying to myself all along. But there were a few highlights and things that came to awareness. I'm going to list a few here to help me gather my thoughts about today:
- Right now I have a lot of resentment towards my parents. It's not that they are bad parents, but I'm obviously not putting enough boundaries up because I'm building resentment (more on that another day)
- Due to the previous realization, I am going to have a talk with my parents (or write a letter) asking them to step back a bit from their involvement in our lives with regards to infertility.
- I really value my husband and how he has handled all of this. I want to honour him more and respect his wishes for space and privacy (from other people) when he needs it. One way to do that involves not having my parents as involved in our lives right now.
- I need to learn to say no. I always thought I was pretty good with boundaries and all that. However, I've realized that I only say no if I have a valid excuse! It is nearly impossible for me to say no to somebody if I just don't want to do what they are asking m. I always come up with an excuse or go along with what I'm being asked to do. Even this morning, my brother-in-law wanted us to make the 3-hour drive with him to look at houses in Victoria where he is moving. I didn't want to go, but I had told him we would try to make it. Conveniently I booked my counselling appointment on the same day so that I couldn't go!
- DH and I are "normal" (as far as infertiles go) in our struggle to maintain intimacy in baby-making right now. BUT... the good news is that it won't always be that way! It is possible for us to get back to the way things were before.
- One of my hardest struggles with infertility is my lack of control. I am the kind of person who does what needs to get done and works hard to achieve what I want. I am an overachiever, efficient, productive, a hard-worker. To work so hard at something and have done everything "right" and not have it work is BRAND NEW for me. I don't really know how to handle it.
- I really feel like I have come to peace with this miscarriage (not meaning that I'm not sad) through this time I've had to grieve. For the most part, I don't mind how long it has taken, because I probably would have needed as much time just to grieve emotionally. (I just hope it doesn't mean my body will take that much longer to get back to normal).
There. So, looking at all that, I guess I would say today was pretty successful. Wow! DH and I had a yummy sushi lunch (gotta get it in while I can) and then drove home. What was crazy is that just as we were walking to the appointment, we ran into one of DH's childhood best friends. He doesn't live in that city, but just happened to be there overnight and was just chilling. So DH had a chance to catch up with him while I had my appointment. That was pretty cool.
I am fighting some sort of bug right now. I felt like I hadn't been real sick for so long. I was on such a good trend. And it's gorgeous weather this weekend so that kind of sucks. But today was a good day and I'll cuddle up early tonight and hope that a good night's sleep will cure all ails. Thanks for listening!
Thursday, May 10, 2012
12 weeks and nothing!
Wow, 12 weeks?!? How long can a missed miscarriage actually last? I am pretty confused at the moment. I thought for sure by now it would be over. I debated calling my RE this week since I didn't talk to him after last week's ultrasound. But then I decided if I have waited this long, I might as well just keep waiting. I don't see much point in going for a D&C for a 5 week embryo that is shrinking in size. Anyways, I just got home and my doctor DID call today and wanted to speak to me about the ultrasound reports. He won't be in the office tomorrow though so I'm going to have to wait till next week anyways. So, I guess I'll keep waiting!
I actually don't feel super anxious about it anymore. I feel like time is wasting away, but I don't feel so urgent at the moment (who knows though, that could change in the next 5 minutes). Even if I intervened in the process of miscarriage, I feel that my body would still have to take the same amount of time to reset and get back to normal. I'm hoping we could try another IUI sometime this summer. The next few months are pretty crazy anyways. We have a holiday in June and my family all coming to visit. Our exchange student is graduating and DH's brother is moving out (he got a job...hooray!). So by July 1st, we will be ALL ALONE again. I am SO EXCITED for that. I figure that is when we'll resume TTC.
Oh, and tomorrow I am making the hour trek to see the fertility counsellor. I hope it's worth it!
I actually don't feel super anxious about it anymore. I feel like time is wasting away, but I don't feel so urgent at the moment (who knows though, that could change in the next 5 minutes). Even if I intervened in the process of miscarriage, I feel that my body would still have to take the same amount of time to reset and get back to normal. I'm hoping we could try another IUI sometime this summer. The next few months are pretty crazy anyways. We have a holiday in June and my family all coming to visit. Our exchange student is graduating and DH's brother is moving out (he got a job...hooray!). So by July 1st, we will be ALL ALONE again. I am SO EXCITED for that. I figure that is when we'll resume TTC.
Oh, and tomorrow I am making the hour trek to see the fertility counsellor. I hope it's worth it!
Monday, May 7, 2012
Weight loss, and other stuff
This is my post to tell you all that I have had enough! Today I put on yet another pair of pants that do not fit. Now that it's spring, I'm breaking out my spring/summer clothes and barely ANYTHING fits me. This pair of pants fit last year, and last year I felt like I was more overweight than I had ever been. Today I couldn't even get them over my hips. I don't know what happened through this non-pregnancy, but it's like my hips completely reshaped themselves in a period of 3 weeks... and they're not going away. My bloating has mostly gone down but my belly certainly is much larger than before. I attribute that to the fact that for some reason my body is still holding onto this non-viable pregnancy (almost 12 weeks and no bleeding/spotting). The one good thing I'm trying to take away is that at least my body can sustain a pregnancy once it's there, haha.
And so, this morning I went shopping for some pants yet again (3rd time this month) and while I was there I picked up some natural diet pills! Now I am not a dieter. I have NEVER done this before. I have done cleanses and things like that. But I saw these pills that we had samples of at the Naturopathic office I worked at (PG-X daily) and bought them on a whim. I don't know how effective they will be, but they are just supposed to help get your fibre intake and suppress your appetite so you don't overeat and snack. I think that's been my problem. I've been really good with exercise this whole time (whenever I had the energy). I've even started trying to work out once a day and going for a walk each day too. But I definitely am an emotional eater. I've found that lately when I am bored (which is often because I've lost all drive to do the things I love), I eat. If I'm sad or down, I eat. If I want to reward myself, I eat. And so on.
So, in addition to my hormones and body being all out of whack, I'm certainly not helping by eating extra calories. I've started a "clean eating" diet and hopefully this will get me back on track.
In other news, I also contacted a counsellor today. She lives an hour away, but she specializes in working with infertility and I'd like to see someone outside of my community/professional field, if possible. I think this would be a really good thing for me, and maybe DH too. My struggle with this miscarriage has also brought up a lot of other "stuff" that I have been (not) dealing with and I want to get my mind and body in shape together.
I still have no drive to work. I am going through the motions of life. I'm forcing myself to be social because I know it's good for me, but really I don't want to see anyone or do anything. The only problem is, I then get so depressed and the emotional pain hurts so badly! Sigh.
And so, this morning I went shopping for some pants yet again (3rd time this month) and while I was there I picked up some natural diet pills! Now I am not a dieter. I have NEVER done this before. I have done cleanses and things like that. But I saw these pills that we had samples of at the Naturopathic office I worked at (PG-X daily) and bought them on a whim. I don't know how effective they will be, but they are just supposed to help get your fibre intake and suppress your appetite so you don't overeat and snack. I think that's been my problem. I've been really good with exercise this whole time (whenever I had the energy). I've even started trying to work out once a day and going for a walk each day too. But I definitely am an emotional eater. I've found that lately when I am bored (which is often because I've lost all drive to do the things I love), I eat. If I'm sad or down, I eat. If I want to reward myself, I eat. And so on.
So, in addition to my hormones and body being all out of whack, I'm certainly not helping by eating extra calories. I've started a "clean eating" diet and hopefully this will get me back on track.
In other news, I also contacted a counsellor today. She lives an hour away, but she specializes in working with infertility and I'd like to see someone outside of my community/professional field, if possible. I think this would be a really good thing for me, and maybe DH too. My struggle with this miscarriage has also brought up a lot of other "stuff" that I have been (not) dealing with and I want to get my mind and body in shape together.
I still have no drive to work. I am going through the motions of life. I'm forcing myself to be social because I know it's good for me, but really I don't want to see anyone or do anything. The only problem is, I then get so depressed and the emotional pain hurts so badly! Sigh.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
05-05-05
And so, it all began. It wasn't a dramatic proposal, but it was fully real and encapsulated who my DH is. He was tender, a little shy, slightly rebellious (almost forgot to get on one knee), and head over heels in love with me. He hasn't changed. I really am a lucky girl. I think about that almost every day. I know we've had our struggles, but I really wouldn't give it up if it meant I didn't get to be with my awesome man. He is all I ever wanted.
Today the sun is shining and my apple tree is in full blossom. It's going to be a better day.
Friday, May 4, 2012
The timing of things
I thought I was doing alright yesterday. Turns out I'm not.
I'm pretty much having a colossal meltdown today, on the brink of tears at nearly everything. It's not even the loss of our pregnancy that I am mourning. I am mourning the loss of time that IF has taken away. I don't know what sparked this on. Tomorrow is May 5th. On May 5, 2005 (05-05-05), my DH proposed to me. That was 7 years ago. SEVEN! We have been married for 6 1/2 years. I went off the pill 5 1/2 years ago. We have been TTC for about FIVE years. 5 years... one pregnancy... one miscarriage. It is just not fair.
I know we have accomplished things that a lot of people have not. We own a house. I have a Master's degree. We both have jobs in our areas of study. We have paid off our undergrad debt. We have traveled. I truly am grateful for all these things. So I don't know why I get so hung up on the fact that we do not yet have kids. I'm 31 years old. But I just feel old. I don't know hardly anyone (apart from my wonderful BFF) who has been married as long as us or is as old as us and does not have kids. It's not just that. It's that I feel ripped off for having to have waited so long for something. By the time my mom was 30, she was finished having us 3 kids. When I look ahead to the future, I see a big question mark. I don't know what it will look like. I still have hope we will have kids. But if we are going to receive the "blessing" of having a child... why couldn't it have been sooner? Why the torturous long wait? That is what I don't get. I don't know what to do with the pain of having to wait for all this time. I just want some sort of answer.
There's a few people in the IF community who have gotten their BFP's this week. While I am so happy for them, I also find myself feeling jealous. Why didn't ours stick? Why were we given the hope only to have it torn away?
I guess I just don't know what to do with all these questions and feelings inside of me. I can't contain my tears. I don't like the feeling of despair that resides in my being. But I don't know how to make it go away.
I'm pretty much having a colossal meltdown today, on the brink of tears at nearly everything. It's not even the loss of our pregnancy that I am mourning. I am mourning the loss of time that IF has taken away. I don't know what sparked this on. Tomorrow is May 5th. On May 5, 2005 (05-05-05), my DH proposed to me. That was 7 years ago. SEVEN! We have been married for 6 1/2 years. I went off the pill 5 1/2 years ago. We have been TTC for about FIVE years. 5 years... one pregnancy... one miscarriage. It is just not fair.
I know we have accomplished things that a lot of people have not. We own a house. I have a Master's degree. We both have jobs in our areas of study. We have paid off our undergrad debt. We have traveled. I truly am grateful for all these things. So I don't know why I get so hung up on the fact that we do not yet have kids. I'm 31 years old. But I just feel old. I don't know hardly anyone (apart from my wonderful BFF) who has been married as long as us or is as old as us and does not have kids. It's not just that. It's that I feel ripped off for having to have waited so long for something. By the time my mom was 30, she was finished having us 3 kids. When I look ahead to the future, I see a big question mark. I don't know what it will look like. I still have hope we will have kids. But if we are going to receive the "blessing" of having a child... why couldn't it have been sooner? Why the torturous long wait? That is what I don't get. I don't know what to do with the pain of having to wait for all this time. I just want some sort of answer.
There's a few people in the IF community who have gotten their BFP's this week. While I am so happy for them, I also find myself feeling jealous. Why didn't ours stick? Why were we given the hope only to have it torn away?
I guess I just don't know what to do with all these questions and feelings inside of me. I can't contain my tears. I don't like the feeling of despair that resides in my being. But I don't know how to make it go away.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
11 weeks, ultrasound, and goodbye
We just had our "peace of mind" viability ultrasound. As expected, there is no fetal pole. The technician said that the embryo is actually measuring smaller than last time. She was nice and sweet and got permission to tell me all that was going on after hearing my side of the story. I was able to see the screen as she was looking. I saw the little sac and knew immediately. I am glad I got to see it one last time. She said there was no indication of when I might miscarry. If my doctor determines it is a missed miscarriage I will likely have a D&C. Otherwise, I may wait it out, though that could take up to 14 weeks. She also told me that she could tell my ovaries had been stimulated. She said there were lots of follicles still there. I hope that means greater chances once I do ovulate again.
That's all I have to say for now. I'm not surprised by today, but I'm still processing where I'm at. It's been a long week.
I think I'll go for a walk on the beach.
But I am so happy for a fellow blog friend who just got a positive beta with her FET after losing twins last year. Head on over to give her some love!
That's all I have to say for now. I'm not surprised by today, but I'm still processing where I'm at. It's been a long week.
I think I'll go for a walk on the beach.
But I am so happy for a fellow blog friend who just got a positive beta with her FET after losing twins last year. Head on over to give her some love!
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